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Old 01-06-2008, 12:53 PM   #1
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Need a Pep Talk, Big Time....

I relapsed after being clean for 2 months and have been back on Vics for a couple months. I am starting detox tomorrow and could use a pep talk. I have quit so many times and I need this one to be the one that works. I can get through the detox, but it is the after that is so hard for me. The weird druggie in me convinces me that I need the Vicoden and that I deserve them. Rationally, I know that the opposite is true and that I should NEVER take another one again. My life has been seriously hindered by these drugs and there are a lot of excellent opportunities presenting themselves to me right now but it will only work if I am clean and clear headed. I have signed up for a program that trains you to do a mini triathlon in 6 months so I will have to exercise, which is a big help for me mentally and physically. I have all the shame in the world for what I have done to my life. I cannot be this person anymore, hating myself for my weakness and all the secrets that go along with it.

 
Old 01-06-2008, 01:10 PM   #2
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Re: Need a Pep Talk, Big Time....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lisa62 View Post
I relapsed after being clean for 2 months and have been back on Vics for a couple months. I am starting detox tomorrow and could use a pep talk. I have quit so many times and I need this one to be the one that works. I can get through the detox, but it is the after that is so hard for me. The weird druggie in me convinces me that I need the Vicoden and that I deserve them. Rationally, I know that the opposite is true and that I should NEVER take another one again. My life has been seriously hindered by these drugs and there are a lot of excellent opportunities presenting themselves to me right now but it will only work if I am clean and clear headed. I have signed up for a program that trains you to do a mini triathlon in 6 months so I will have to exercise, which is a big help for me mentally and physically. I have all the shame in the world for what I have done to my life. I cannot be this person anymore, hating myself for my weakness and all the secrets that go along with it.
Hi there. I started on Vics and Lortabs and eventually was up to a huge daily dose (more than 300 mgs of oxy a day). For an entire year I was a shadow of who I am. You just HAVE to stop. What keeps me going is thinking about my family. I managed to keep a great career and everything together through my addiction but things were starting to crumble before I stopped. I quit cold turkey and it was HELL HELL HELL. Never have I experience such a thing. Things are so much brighter and clearer now. I hope you will do this and let people see the best of who you are. I wish you the best.

 
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Old 01-06-2008, 01:31 PM   #3
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Re: Need a Pep Talk, Big Time....

Hey Lisa.... I'm gonna do my best here to stay away from the "you can do it's" - and the "atta girl's"....lol....because it truly seems like you have the perfect head right now to make this happen. And you know as well as I do that that's the biggest part of it.

I wish you the best friend.... I think you know the good that is in store for you when it is all over.

Good Luck.

tat*

 
Old 01-06-2008, 04:12 PM   #4
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Re: Need a Pep Talk, Big Time....

Thanks for the replies. I know what I am up against. But I am hoping for the something extra this time that will make it permanent because I just can't go through this over and over. I blink and six months have gone by and I am trying to quit again. It is ridiculous to waste my life this way. I have dreams that are not coming true because of my addiction. Don't get me wrong, I am a highly functioning addict, but I could do all the things that have fallen by the wayside. I have fantasies of going to a 3rd world country where there are no narcotics so that I couldn't get them even when the addict voice in my head starts whispering " You could just take one....and there would be no detox, just a little buzz.."

 
Old 01-06-2008, 06:12 PM   #5
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Re: Need a Pep Talk, Big Time....

Lisa,


Life is real and takes no prisoners; it is we that imprison ourselves,unintentionally.

When we finally realize that the "key" to freedom is in our possession, we meet with the uncertainty of what life will be like after the fog has cleared.

Food for thought.

I wish you the best.

Phoenix
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Old 01-06-2008, 08:05 PM   #6
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Re: Need a Pep Talk, Big Time....

hey lisa --I only have a few secs right now but I want to chat more later. I was RIGHT were you are now 2 months ago. I am currently 1 month into training for a marathon and Half Ironman. I really changed my life around. Look back at the crazy road I have had with the STUPID pills. on and off for close to 5 years. YUCK. I am really doing good physically right now, but mentally its always a battle. I will touch on more later.

O
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Old 01-07-2008, 12:16 PM   #7
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Re: Need a Pep Talk, Big Time....

Hi Lisa
It sounds like you know the withdrawal routine pretty well. Do you know what it is that causes you to think you need the vic's? Is it pain, irritability, depression all of the above? If so then you need to be aware of this. Log it, I know exactly how you feel. How many times do I have to put myself through this before I get it!
Well, I am still tapering, don't know if that works for you. What I noticed is that at first everything seemed to need me to have opiates. I needed to function, then to ease my irritability. Now it is the exaggerated pain. That is the biggie. It's like my brain has learned how to get me more, exaggerating pain to point where I feel like it is killing me.
It's not killing me, pills will not help this pain only make it worse. I have to let it be, not easy at all, don't like it one bit. But if i don't do it this time, there will be another time and another time and I just don't want to keep doing this. I am giving this a good solid chance. I come on this board every day just to make myself aware of the people who have come out the other end, those who need support like myself and you.
I find it to be a very hopeful and helpful place. I often lurk, when I am in pain or don't have enough time.
I just want you to know that it sounds like you are ready this time, and you are asking the questions you need to ask. How to keep off of them? Allowing the thoughts, feelings to come then blow them out of your mind, come and post here. Yell at those thoughts. Remember where you are right now. Keep this thread in your house or write it down so you remember where you are at this moment. You don't want to be back here saying the same thing six months from now. At least that's what I keep thinking. If you are then you start there again. We are here for you. It sounds like you are truly ready.
keep us updated.
MP

 
Old 01-07-2008, 04:02 PM   #8
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Re: Need a Pep Talk, Big Time....

hey lisa --I dont have the HIGHER POWER thing either. At this point I go a few times a week and that is enough for me. I share every once in a while, but its really mentally and physically refreshing to be in a place that ALL walks of life are in the same boat as you (if not WAY worse). NA does not care if you believe that a GOAT is your higher power, its just that you feel that something is more powerful than YOU. The addiction is that for me. there are HARD cores that PREACH at the meetings, but that goes in one ear and out the other, but they have ONE true point, the HIGH% of people that stay clean are the ones at the meetings, its just a fact that we CAN NOT do this on our own, we CAN get clean on out own easliy, but we cant stay clean for long without an external source. thats my 2 cents
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Old 01-07-2008, 05:43 PM   #9
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Re: Need a Pep Talk, Big Time....

I could blame my addiction on many things: pain, depression, cancer, death in the family, bla , bla, bla. The truth is that Vicodin felt so amazing. In the beginning anyway. What once felt so great was elusive and so many important life things went by the wayside as I sought that initial state of bliss. I actually have more pain on them, I think. And I crave isolation when I am using them. It is a BAD road to go down because it just causes more problems than I started with. And then I become terribly guilt ridden that I am a total loser who has no self control. I tis too exhausting to live like that. I just want to be a normal person who can go on a week long river trip without calculating my pills. Not having to worry about how and where to get them will be a great freedom. Thank God they are not so available on-line anymore. I am sure that there are thousands out there who got hooked from the easy access of the internet. I just want to be awake and participate in my life, be proactive and not just run from every stress into a pill bottle. Day 1 is almost over.

 
Old 01-07-2008, 06:55 PM   #10
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Re: Need a Pep Talk, Big Time....

WOW WOW WOW --Lisa I dont get blown away much by POSTS but you blew me away on this one. We are so alike. I feel exactly the way to you did for so many years. You can do this. There is another side. I am there now. Its not all roses, but its clear.

I had cancer, death in family, depression, sleep problems and the pills made it a whole lot better. You get your life back by deleting the pills. Its takes a bit to get over the WD's, but we can help with that. staying with you step by step. I got the JUNK over the net also, I am REALLY happy that they are starting to clamp down on the records (new stuff each 12 months etc) --I know the routine, been there done it. You are right, there are SOOOOOO many like us. We are just the brave ones that realize that we do not want to live like this.

congrats

O
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Old 01-07-2008, 08:18 PM   #11
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Re: Need a Pep Talk, Big Time....

The thing is.....I have been where you are too. Why the Hell did I let myself go back here is my question. And how do I stop it from happening again? I think I need to be much more vigilant. I can't relax after a month and just forget about the addiction. I need to set up a reward system or goals in order to progress and maybe that would stop me in a weak moment when pills present themselves. It has always caught me off guard before when I relapsed.....a pill in a pocket -which led to using again. I feel gross so I am going to try and hit the hay. Day 2 tomorrow...

 
Old 01-07-2008, 10:36 PM   #12
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Re: Need a Pep Talk, Big Time....

Hey Lisa, hang in there girl. Med guy was right about the Higher Power part of the meetings. One thing they have done for me is not to let me "relax and forget about my addiction". Plus, it is nice to have people you see face to face who know how you feel and will not judge you for anything you've done. I tried to quit so so so many times on my own, and it just didn't work for long. The meetings and program have been the only things that have worked for me. I'm wishing you luck!!
RTBD

 
Old 01-08-2008, 09:10 AM   #13
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Re: Need a Pep Talk, Big Time....

Thanks RTBD and Med Guy,

I think my reluctance to attend a meeting is tied to the feeling that I will be one of "those people" . Coming to this board and actually admitting it out loud was a big step for me and going to a meeting would be HUGE. I know I am one of "those people" but I just don't want to be. I want to think of myself as a person who had a problem and solved it. The quick fix is OBVIOUSLY not the answer. I have been trying that for 7 years off and on. Isn't the definition of stupid doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? As I was trying to fall asleep last night, I thought to myself that if I had a pill, I would take it. Today, I don't feel that way. I mentioned that I have been putting many things off and the BIG one is that I am severely in debt due to going through cancer treatment for 2 years. I finally called a bankruptcy attorney yesterday, so that is progress. Day 2, Whoo.

 
Old 01-08-2008, 12:22 PM   #14
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Re: Need a Pep Talk, Big Time....

Hey Lisa.... I know you dont WANT to be one of 'those people' - none of us do - but the sad truth is, is that you are....we all are. Admitting that was a huge step for me too....I think it was for almost everyone. You don't really know me well, but I myself am a functioning addict.... Professional career, single Dad of six kids (yes, really)....and admittance was sooooo freaking hard. But I did - and it has all been much smoother for me since. I recently admitted to my boss the amount of meds I was on, and you know what he said? He said, "you know, I often wondered if you were on meds because soetimes you just dont make sense". Now all this time - in MY mind - I wa perfectly 'normal'. And I myself don't over-abuse either....I take as much as directed AS directed - always. And there were days when I had people 'wondering'. It really blew my mind.

I've been tracking your posts, even though I havent been able to respond all that much lately, and you REALLLY seem to have the 'right head' to get through this....really you do. I actually remember saying to myself as I was reading your posts "an, she really wants this, and really has her act together to do it".... Seeing the bankruptcy attorney was HUGE for you I'm sure.....I know, because I have to do the sae thing myself soon. It's a step nobody wants to take, but sometimes we gotta do what we gotta do, right?

But back on track....congratulations on getting to day 2. Day two is a BIG one. (Actually, 2, 3, and 4 were my hardest). You're doing great, really you are. Keep up the good work ....you CAN do this.

God bless you....and stay strong!! We're all with ya here.

tat*

Last edited by tat2duser; 01-08-2008 at 12:22 PM.

 
Old 01-08-2008, 07:29 PM   #15
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Re: Need a Pep Talk, Big Time....

Tat, thank you. I can relate to the fact that I think I am more high functioning than I really am. I have woken up and thought about conversations where I was truly blathering on and on and jumping from one subject to the next. All the while thinking I am witty when I was most likely annoying as Hell. Yet another reason to never use again. Day 2 is pretty lethargic and achy. But it will be over soon!

 
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