I am an addict, and the monster inside me just wont go dormant. I have been using for about 8 years, nothing heavy then, just vikes, percs and xannies. Of course I didn't think these "low grade narcotics" were going to eventually have me crossing the invisible line of "Im OK, I just ate a couple pills with a friend" to "I'm unemployable, hateful, dont own anything or have a relationship with anyone I used to know. (In some cases that's good) It just seemed when I hit 20 I was like everyone else. We all used a little. Then some friends graduated to coke and Heroin, & I never saw those people again. The rest of them dont seem to take pills at all anymore. I guess there's your dividing line. I was so hard up for dope one day I waited with this guy for 6 hours. and when it showed it was tar. I knew I couldnt snort it, I had never even seen it before, so I let them load me up and shoot. I felt like I was floating on a cloud of cotton candy. Now I sit here with my arms still burning from last night and early this morning, from shooting vinegar wit a gen. Fent patch. Im sick. I havent slept in two days, I have to go to a job interview and I know when I get detoxed or clean again, I'm still going to want a pill I can shove in my mouth before Im even vertical for the day. I have an awesome sponsor. Its just ME that is not taking my problem seriously enough.
I am in a 12 step program I attend every day. I have been through OD and detox way too many times. I really work my program sometimes, and sometimes I get so angry I cant be receptive when Im there. Especially since my Dad goes to the same Mtngs. I hit. I'd give about anything for this to be behind me. I know I will always have this disease of addiction, but I want the humility and serenity first so it will go into remission. Nothings ever been good enough for me, and now my attitude toward everything is so bad I cant be around a group without ******* a few of them off. But I guess since they are junkies like me, they are probably the same. Oh God, I just wish I knew what to do. Help me find a way to follow his path and not mine. I am way too poor to get detoxed or get on Suboxone. I feel Like Im looking at a tall glass of water I cant drink from. Well thanks for listening to my rant.
Apolline
You are hurting and you need to get in touch with your sponsor ASAP. I have a brother who was in the same boat as you are noq and he is now on his 4th prison sentence for doing stupid things to support his habit . he is in his mid 40'2 and has spent the last 20 years in and out of prison for stupid felonies to support his crack addiction. You have to WANT to be clean and stay clean and accept any help that is handed your way
GOOD LUCK
With a serious opiate addiciton it takes more than just wanting to stay clean....We all "want" to stay clean, but many of us can't..and it's not because we are weak, or stupid, or lazy, it's because the brain has been effected and you will do whatever it takes to feel relief and sleep....and the detox is the easy part...it's the staying clean that is hard, for most people anyways. I can't tell you how many times I have detoxed cold turkey only to relapse a month or two later...and my usuage got worse every time, until i was playing with heroin too.
There are always programs available Apolline....Usually they come with a waiting list, but you could always check yourself into a hospital detox for a few days to at least get clean. You really have to be proactive in finding treatment, but there's always a way to get it, even without $$$$.
good luck to you and hang in there! It's a learning experinece and i have yet to meet anyone who quit opiates on their 1st attmept.
Apolline.... If you are way too poor, then get soe help from Welfare or Social Services. I know mannnny people who are poor - but were/are addicts - and still get their Suboxone. You CAN get help, you just have to seek it. Take advantage of the system if you need. But for chrissakes, it sunds like you WANT to be clean, so JUST DO IT.
We're here for ya....really we are. But YOU have to take the first step. Lets make a deal.... You take the first step, and all of us here will follow right behind you and give you any help you need. I know it may not sound like much, but this place is a GODSEND.
