It's never been this bad...
I am an addict, and the monster inside me just wont go dormant. I have been using for about 8 years, nothing heavy then, just vikes, percs and xannies. Of course I didn't think these "low grade narcotics" were going to eventually have me crossing the invisible line of "Im OK, I just ate a couple pills with a friend" to "I'm unemployable, hateful, dont own anything or have a relationship with anyone I used to know. (In some cases that's good) It just seemed when I hit 20 I was like everyone else. We all used a little. Then some friends graduated to coke and Heroin, & I never saw those people again. The rest of them dont seem to take pills at all anymore. I guess there's your dividing line. I was so hard up for dope one day I waited with this guy for 6 hours. and when it showed it was tar. I knew I couldnt snort it, I had never even seen it before, so I let them load me up and shoot. I felt like I was floating on a cloud of cotton candy. Now I sit here with my arms still burning from last night and early this morning, from shooting vinegar wit a gen. Fent patch. Im sick. I havent slept in two days, I have to go to a job interview and I know when I get detoxed or clean again, I'm still going to want a pill I can shove in my mouth before Im even vertical for the day. I have an awesome sponsor. Its just ME that is not taking my problem seriously enough.
I am in a 12 step program I attend every day. I have been through OD and detox way too many times. I really work my program sometimes, and sometimes I get so angry I cant be receptive when Im there. Especially since my Dad goes to the same Mtngs. I hit. I'd give about anything for this to be behind me. I know I will always have this disease of addiction, but I want the humility and serenity first so it will go into remission. Nothings ever been good enough for me, and now my attitude toward everything is so bad I cant be around a group without ******* a few of them off. But I guess since they are junkies like me, they are probably the same. Oh God, I just wish I knew what to do. Help me find a way to follow his path and not mine. I am way too poor to get detoxed or get on Suboxone. I feel Like Im looking at a tall glass of water I cant drink from. Well thanks for listening to my rant.