I have just read some of your posts and the one thing that I read over again is the wanting to have a life back. I don't know if I ever knew/know what life is for me, and I am afraid of it. Please don't think I am crazy, or totally a weirdo I already think that way of myself. When I posted yesterday I was in so much pain, mentally and physically. I realized after reading my replies that I really am scared of school starting. As much good it is for me, I am scared of being "out there." How do I start to feel and think that life is good, and it isn't full of other people controlling you? I don't think I had to think for myself until now. When I was little it was my dad, he told me how I felt, whether I was hot or cold etc. Then I let the hospital do it for me. Now I am choosing to do it for myself. The only problem is I am terrified of something, I can't figure it out. I could tell you that I know there is a very small part of me that realizes life is worth being clean, and living, I try to visualize and grab on to that part everyday. I just can't seem to catch myself when I let the "symptoms" take over the issues.
Does anyone understand or am I a total lunatic?
Oh Lord, Captnanny, I do understand so very well what you are writing and feeling! While our reasons may be different, I, too, had an overwhelming fear of life for a long time. I so feared all the responsibilities that I thought would be 'forced' on me again when I got better. For so many of the years of my life, I had kept myself in the 'problem fixer" cycle and felt so less worthy when I stopped totally being the problem fixer and instead became the one who needed problems fixed. I felt less worthy, but stayed right there because I was more afraid of getting back into the swing of real life and having responsibilities again.
In my 'year of discovery,' as I tapered, I really learned a lot about a lot of things. One thing I learned was that all the people who had problems that needed fixing continued on in their lives without my input. Thier problems continued, or they found other people and ways to help them in their various struggles whatever they were. I was scared of life because of my own learned behavious is what I discovered. Imbedded in me, partly by nurture, partly by my acceptance, was this strong, strong feeling of responsibility to others. When I took on the responsibility of others, I felt okay and good about myself. But I grew so weary of that after many years. It was not the cause of my breakdown, but it undoubtedly is part of what kept me there. Being ill, being incapacitated, was a great excuse for not being involved. It kept me from facing some responsibilities that I didn't even realize were not mine to face! Man, oh man, I have to tell you... that fact was a heck of a revelation to me! I have never been immature in that I did my job, took care of business and stuff. However, a new maturity has grown so strong in me this past year about my place in my corner of the world. I no longer have to simutaneously chair a union, feel total responsibility for my adult children, be the go-between in all family relationships. I have only to be responsible for my own actions and lend a helping hand, a caring ear, to the extent that I can, that I am truly willing to. It took a lot of work and pain and growing to get here and it came about slowly. Here, I am going to share an example of it with you.... this board means a great deal to me, a great deal. As I grew stronger in recovery and restoration, I felt an obligation to the board that was unbalanced. If I saw a post that was unanswered, I felt an overwhelming obligation to post a response. Overwhelming. Sometimes, when it was way past the time for me to be winding down so I could rest, I stayed online to reply to a post anyway. Slowly, it started to dawn on me more strongly that however much I cared about the people on the board,, I had to change my thinking about it. I was practicing a bad habit in letting others' issues consume me and taking too much responsibility in areas that were not mine to be so responsible about. I started to back off and finally wrote a post explaining that I would not be posting as much because I needed to move on in life. I started working on this issue in other areas of my life also. I don't feel anymore like I have to drop everything because the kids need a babysitter. I can say "No, I have other plans," and not feel guilty anymore. It is not uncomfortable anymore putting my own life first at times. It took baby steps to get to this pint ( those famous baby steps, huh??).
For you, the fear of life is facing it withour others directing you. From all you have shared, it is so understandable, Captnanny! A point in your life has come where you sense the need, a true need, to really strike out on your own. As an adult, as a woman, as a capable human being. And you are all these things inside... you have sensed these things now, are allowing the thoughts of these things to surface. Acting on letting them loose is going to be scary at times. Kind of like a baby being born, you are resisting and coming out screaming and hollering into a new place in life. Out of the womb of others dircting you and your actions into a place of making your own decisions and guiding your own life. I think that, like me, you are struggling to let go of a painful, but somehow safe place, of pain and drugs. Struggling to break out of your hiding haven there. Took tiny steps up the ladder, made it up to the edge of the diving board, but afraid to jump. That doesn't seem so strange to me! Chuckles.
Captnanny, you are moving on, progressing. You are doing a good job. There is a lot of overcoming of issues in your life and you are tackling them. We can not undo and change our thinking after a lifetime of experiences overnight. It takes time, work, effort. You are certainly putting in the work and effort. I think the frustration is coming from the time element. Old dogs can be taught new tricks... but the learning of them is proportionate to the lifetime behind them.
Today you have glimmers of what life might be like for you. The glimmers will come more often and more strongly with each good decision you make, with practice of accepting yourself as an adult, a woman, a capable doer.Each day that passes, each baby step you take, will bring more confidence.
Captnanny, I did not read your posts of yesterday, but lets start with today because thats what matters.I know many people in your situation. Have you considered talking to a professional about these things you write on the boards? What you get here is good advice and opinions and I think you need more than that.No one controls you, you control you.I would advise selfhelp books but I think the latter is the way to go.peace. fitz."Another day another opportunity in which to excell".
Fitz first of all thank you for caring and yes I have a therapist and a psychiatrist. I have been tapering since I think the end of October or beginning of November. As time goes on I realize more and more where my problems lie.
Reach, your words are my feelings right now. The one thing I would like to add is that after I started that thread I tried to remember when I truly felt alive and unafraid. It was for 6 weeks in Virginia. My mom, me and my sister moved there to get away from my dad. Let me tell you, I felt safe, confident, had my own friends and actually had a cool mom. I swam every day and it was a very mundane lifestyle since we didn't have much to live on, but I was happy. I felt like shiny and secure and I was willing to try anything. Then she went back to him.
So I think that is what is the pit of my stomach that knows I do want to live a different life. Who would I be now with those feelings? I would be excited to go to school to meet new people and learn. I still wouldn't like the homework but who does. I would feel lighter, freer to make my own decisions without the fear of death over me. I could come home after work or school and make myself dinner, sleep comfortably in my bed and keep my house clean. It seems so delightful right now. I know though that I have to keep it small. Small steps to get me there. If I can only accept the fact that my dad no longer acknowledges me because of my choice to not live his way of life, which was obsession with death. I didn't really want to be obsessed with it, there has always been something in me that wants to live. So I was punished for it. I will move on, he doesn't know whether I am miserable or happy. So I don't have to play the game anymore. I may lose this in an hour when both kids are home, but I have it written down. I realize this will come slowly with times where I can feel it and times when I can't. but right now I am very grateful to have been able to muster up that feeling and bring it to the present as a goal. So Reach, I guess I do know what it is like to live a mundane ordinary life. It is a blessing of happiness. Though it was only six weeks, when it's time for me I choose to make it a lifetime. Today I say that, what will I say tomorrow? Oh for the love of peet. I do kind of get comfortable in this tormenting pain and taper. But one step at a time, one toe in the water first. By the way, where is the pool? Ha ha
Captnanny, Yo cap, I can read in your writing so much more than what you write, do you understand? When you write it is long and precise but so much more in you that you hold on to and do not write. I don`t understand this fatherlee obsession with death, nor should I, but what has this done to you?Do you fear death? are you thinking more about death than most people do?Was your father in the armed forces or some background where he saw these kind of things?You don`t need to answer, much can be said for silence.You have moved around quite a bit in your life so far but one can move further with there mind and live in the right place and I believe you are on your way.peace.fitz. "Doin whats gotta get done".
Last edited by fitz31; 01-10-2008 at 05:57 PM.
Reason: add ending
Hey Fitz thank you for kind of reading between the lines. I guess my father got it from his father, neither were in a war, just highly (political). The obsession with death was for it. I was raised in a very weird way, let's just call it to be obsessed with dying, not living. The part of me that I talk about is very small but I remember so well feeling that I don't like obsession but scared to let go of it because of punishment.
So now, I'm trying to catch the wanting life, get rid of the crazy death thought. You know looking back at all the times I was suicidal, I wonder how much of it was just for dad's approval. I knew and consistently hoped to be saved. This time, I can only save myself, I have to be the one to do the work, my therapist, this board, the pills can't do the work for me. I have to participate in the process. I want to now. It is just really hard since I am kind of a beginner at this.
well, at least I KNOW I WANT TO LIVE, I like saying that, i think for the first time.
bye for now,
welcome to the world, captnanny! I am new on this board but I have read much of your journey and I think you are wonderful and brave and can do anything you set your mind to. I am just so happy for you to experience the realization that you want life! What a huge, huge thrill! Good for you, go get it and embrace it and be happy and well!
captnanny, i read you OP don't think your strange i have had all them feelings. terror, fear misery bewilderment...... i knew my active life as a user was coming to an end about 6-9 months before it did and i used to wake with the feelings you discribed in your OP and the only thing that subsided them was a chemical or if i was abit flush herb... it was a circle i would not wish on anyone but possibly one on the main things that pushed me to make the decession i needed to to throw in the towel once and for all. i dont like being uncomftable or in pain, and when the pain i got from the effects of using was 1000 times worse than any feelings or thoughts i used on i knew there had to be a different way.
hey capt - we all know you're gonna come up smelling of roses - you think you dont have what it takes? think you cant think for yourself? go back and read everything you have posted in response to other peoples problems - these aren't the words of someone who cant do it 'on their own'. these feelings are natural - they'll pass - if for some reason they dont then you know the best place to start asking advice
with the opiates gone - the flood of feelings almost overcomes you entirely - its what i like to call 'becoming human again' - sometimes we just need to learn how to deal with these feelings/emotions that have been supressed for so long.
im looking into anger management, am attending meditation classes and have enlisted in an aikido class - try and fill your life with things that will occupy you in a positive way.
as always capt - keep on keepin on - its all we can ever hope to do.
big hugs going out to you - from me.
"All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain."
Yes Yoss it is like all these feeling/issues come flooding over me and there is not a pill for this. I have to realize that some of it is my brain trying to heal, AND the issues need to get dealt with. It can no longer be one or the other. I have to work on them both at the same time. That has been a huge thing for me, it always had to be one or the other. it could never be both. So of course I never chose which one to work on 'cause it can not be seperated.
Now as I feel these feelings, I think a lot of the time they come as physical feelings and I have write down what it feels like to understand where they came from. Like for instance my neck, it feels like broken, so stiff nothing will release it from spasming. So I say it's like a brick wall. Ok my feelings must have to do with feeling broken, one part of me wants to hang on to my dad's way for god knows what reason, it's ridiculous but I have to recognize it. The brick wall might be my fear to move, to change my thinking and actions. Do you understand how right now it's almost like my body is feeling the things I can not quite put into words unless I catch it, write what it feels like. I got that from my therapist and it seems to work well.
The only way out is go within and release the negativity I have learned and has been ingrained in me and replace it with little positive thoughts, the steps that I have taken, my gratitude for people etc.
Well anyone still reading this, God bless,