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Old 01-11-2008, 12:19 PM   #1
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who am i

thats a good question. I haven't been here for a while. I was on a taper. I was doin gr8 but on the last strech of the taper when I was almost done, down to the last dose. yep I messed up. I look at it and I new right from the begining but I just couldn't stop till they were all gone. Now I didn't go crazy it was only for a week and the amount i took I used to be able to take in a couple of days. I knew that i just needed to be done. I admit now that I will never probrably be able to take opiates even for a real pain condition. Lower back. I can't handle taking meds responsibly. It's really not my fault . This time I just knew that after this I was going to be done I have way too much to loose a lovely wife, 2 graet kids, animals a house. I have put everyone and everything on the line for something as stupid as this. Well here I am and I am done. It felt real good to say that it made me stop sobbing for a minute. I am in pretty good withdrawls. took the day off from work. hopefully by monday i will feel a lot better maybe not but this is temporary right. I dont really think that wd should be that badmaybe not any worse than this. I went from 190mg of avinza down to 30 in 6 weeks. One thing that I have in my favor is that I have a lot more coping skills now then I did 2 months ago. I just got to deal with it get through it accept it a take it day by day. I new at the first little extra one that this ****** had to stop. I was done. I just could not stop right then and their. What I am really worried about is my wife I feel like I may have lost her. She knew that i was on a taper and on the last drop down but she doesn't know that I messed up. She has just been through sooooooo much with me. She knows that today was the day I was done, 1-11-08. She is such a great wife mother friend. I just wnt to get through this an appreciate what I have. Sorry that I was rambling.

 
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Old 01-11-2008, 03:40 PM   #2
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Re: who am i

hey - you've done the right thing. just hang in there inhguy. i know how you feel about your family/wife - but what more could a man want as a motivator for positive change. you've still got it all. just keep going my friend - one day at a time - you CAN do it.

keep us posted

yoss

keep on keepin on
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"All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain."

 
Old 01-11-2008, 06:30 PM   #3
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Re: who am i

Hi Inhguy

Let the mess up go. You did it, it is over and today is today. To keep holding onto the guilt is a sure path into using again. Let it go.

I know you love and appreciate your wife very much. I believe she knows it too, or she wouldn't be walking alongside of you. My husband walked alongside me for a long time. I am sure the whole process of dealing with me got tiresome for him, but love kept him plodding along with me. Love and hope.

The guilt thing. Man, I lived in Guilt Haven Central for the last few years especially. The more I isolated, the worse I felt about what I was doing to my family. I just wasn't there for them the ways I wanted to be. This is where a beg indicator showed itself about my drug abuse. The guilt would so overwhelm me, I would feel so powerless to change what was happening, that I would hide from it by taking a couple of more pills. Not for physical pain, but for relief from anguish. The guilt is not productive, Friend. It is an enemy to us. We can survive withdrawal. It is hard, it is absolutely crummy, but we can survive it. Once that detox is done and the body has finished purging itself of all remnants, we need to push ourselves into actions that do not cause guilt. At first, that action may well mean just concentrating on not using. However, far beyond that, we must begin to concentrate on things that fill our lives with feelings of well-being. Time with the family, time alone in reflection about where we want to be, time finding activities that are healthy and normal. It takes work, Inhguy, but persistence here will pay off big.... we find ourselves restored, revitalized, living our lives with a sense of satisfaction and happiness. This is a truth, Friend. Believe it, practice it and find it for you.

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Old 01-11-2008, 08:55 PM   #4
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Re: who am i

Well its 11:30 and I just got about 1 1/2 hours of sleep. I must have rolled over 200 gazillion times and passed out not even knowing it. Man oh man this is a crummy feeling. Wouldn't be that bad if I could actually sleep. Well I got a long night ahead of me most likely I will be awake till sunrise. Reach thanks for the kind words they are always appreciated. It is amazing how when you start to dwell on how bad the wd is how you can get soo much worse.

 
Old 01-12-2008, 01:58 AM   #5
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Re: who am i

hey inhguy - have you read some of the posts about withdrawals - there are some measures you can take to help with the symptoms. i drank my body weight in tonic water and eat lots of bananas - both of these help with the 'restless leg syndrome' which keeps you tossing and turning.

keep going man.

yoss

keep on keepin on
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"All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain."

 
Old 01-12-2008, 02:31 AM   #6
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Re: who am i

yeh I have read the sample home detox and I am doin stuff like the nyquil, valerian root, tylenol pm, st. johns wort. I think I need to drink more water though. More than 24 hours have passed. You know all the years in pm noone ever told me that this would happen someday if i had to come off the meds. I figured it out pretty quick.

 
Old 01-12-2008, 03:26 AM   #7
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Re: who am i

Man talking about not having any ambition to do anything. I just feel crapy all over. I have stuff to do but all I can think about is I feel like crap and how am I going to find the strength to do it. It can definetly be consuming. Inever want this feeling of wd again.

 
Old 01-12-2008, 03:59 AM   #8
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Lewt HB User
Re: who am i

hey guy, what stood out from your first post was when you said you could never have pain killers in opitae form even if you had a real pain, it took me back to when i was in treatent, on the first night there desprate for some kind of hoit, when i felt my kidney pain, i acted on it and made them take me to the hospital, thinking i could get some morphine. it wasnt to be as i was told if i did have it i couldnt continue with the treatment program, and i think the chap that took me had seen it all before. Anyway i choose not to have any type of mind alturing medicine or chemical now. just as i know i dont process the effects the same as say my brother does. i crave more and more. eventually i'd end up back on my drugs of choice...
I dont get to many medical problems now i have stopped drinking and using i did have a procedue to sort the kidney stones out which i did without what they wanted to give me. it did hurt but not anywhere near as much as the pain of active addiction i lived with for years. like you said the feelings of losing your wife, me reading your post kicked off a little flash back in feelings and tbh i am glad thats all it is today. thats real pain imo.

ione of the things that made learn what all this keep it in the day talk was about was the same fear you have of not being able to get satisfactory medical help should i need it in the future, and my mate just turned round and asked are you in pain today lewt? no, so don't worry yourself about it or the head can tell you you'll always need it so whats the point giving up.

i wish you well in your detox. have you any plans for when your detox is finished?

Lewt.,

 
Old 01-12-2008, 04:20 AM   #9
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Re: who am i

No real plans for after detox. I just need to get through this so I can then move on. I say this now and forever. I don't think I will ever be able to take opiates again or not at least for a very very long time and if I do it would have to be for a short duration. I'm leaning towards the never though. Suggestions would help for after detox. I know of some things but right at the moment my brain is fried and its hard to think of anything.

 
Old 01-12-2008, 04:21 AM   #10
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Re: who am i

I am fine with saying that. Never again.

 
Old 01-12-2008, 04:32 AM   #11
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Re: who am i

Yoss I have been reading your origanal post and you must be somewhere around 2 mos. How is you sleep now. Oh SLEEP that sounds soo good. Wish I could.

 
Old 01-12-2008, 04:34 AM   #12
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Re: who am i

Quote:
Originally Posted by lnhguy View Post
I am fine with saying that. Never again.
ok that's good i was just posting my experience, the times ive said never again then picked up later that day i cant count, its cos i was afriad off a whole life without sustance. that why i keep it in the day..... however if your fie with saying never agian its all about personal choice.

have you considered any of the anonymous fellowships?

 
Old 01-12-2008, 08:15 AM   #13
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Re: who am i

Hello Inhguy

It is amazing how when you start to dwell on how bad the wd is how you can get soo much worse

Yes, Inhguy, that is a real truth in your words. Somewhere along the time of my own tapering, I was sitting in my doctor's examination room with my hubby and doctor. I was sobbing and suffering and generally feeling out of control. My doctor, who is a compassionate man always, but blunt when he needs to be, turned to me and said, " Get ahold of yourslf, you are only withdrawing from drugs." I was so mad at his words that I couldn't even reply. I was crushed and thought, " ONLY withdrawing????? You have NO idea how bad this is, Buddy." I went home and stewed for a number of days about this. Thought up a million replies I might have given but couldn't think of at that moment in time. My anger was so great that it actually outweighed the withdrawal symptoms..... I was concentrating more on my anger that the physical angst of withdrawal. Then I finally began to think about his words more logically. He hadn't lost his compassion for me; he was speaking on a practical level. As a physician, he knew I was not in a life-threatening situation. I was going through a really difficult process, but the end result would be completion of detox. There was going to be a good ending to all of this. Many issues in life do not have that certainty. We can count on, depend on, a good ending when we finish detoxing.

I think this was a turning point for me. I began to look at what was happening as a practical process. When it got really bad, I forced the thoughts into my mind that it was all going to have a good ending. Was it bad? Hell, yes. However, so were the three childbirths I had gone through. They ended also with a good outcome. Withdrawal sure took a lot longer than the childbirths, but I believe when my thinking changed here, I found the ability to endure the withdrawal symptoms so much better.

We need to voice the agony of what we are enduring for sure, but not lose sight of the fact that there is going to be a good ending.

Inhguy, I need to share something with you a subject that Lewt has broached gently. The plan for when detox finishes. It is a vital component for us. In the overall picture of regaining and maintaining a life free of drug abuse, detox and withdrawal is but one goal in a process that encompasses many goals. If we only see detox as the goal, when we meet that goal with nothing else planned ahead, we fall flat on our faces. Addiction is not only a matter of receptors in our brains, it is also a mindset, a thinking a certain way, about drugs. We must have plans in place that will help us to change our thinking. Not about 'just say no' to drugs, but a new thinking about how we handle life. No one, not one single person, can change the thinking until we put ourselves in a position to hear others thoughts about thinking. A twelve step fellowship ( I really like that phrase!), a therapist, a social worker.... whatever your personal choice, must be in place as a counter-balance to our thinking. Devil's advocates, fellow human beings, whatever term we want to use for the people who can challenge our thinking and enable us to see where we need to change it. Please. please, understand and accept how vital it is to develop this goal and carry it out.

From the Island of Sodor
reach

 
Old 01-12-2008, 08:49 AM   #14
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Re: who am i

yes i know that I have to have something in place after. i have been seeing a theripist for months. how good it has done. I can't answer that yet. thank goodness that I live in a place were you cant find things off the street or anything like that. I had turned into a man who had this problem and was all alone in life. I drew back from my wife and family and had ditched the few friends that i had. Right now I feel alone. My wife seems to avoiding me as well am i avoiding her I just cant deal with the conflict right now. I need to get through this were i am in a better state of mind. To even be able to take care of myself. I dont think that this would have been any easier even if i hadn't messed up. Reach your words mean soo much to me. everyone i thank you even if i haven't posted to you. I will get through this. It is the hardest thing i have everdone. My wife is going to a holidy bash tonight. don't i feel like a champ.

 
Old 01-12-2008, 09:52 AM   #15
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Re: who am i

hey inhguy - keep on it mate, at the start there was about 1 - 2 hours a night, a week later it was up to about 3 hours. a week later it was 5. it stayed on 5ish for another 2 weeks then my sleep went back to 'normal' - at the moment i could sleep for as long as my wife and child will let me . so about a month till its getting back to what you're used to - it sounds a long way off - and i know that being sleep deprived is a very 'testing' state to be in - but weigh it up - 1 month against the rest of your natural healthy life. im not going to say it flies by - but you CAN do it.

be strong - keep focused on what you are achieving and what a difference this will make to your life.

hang in there mate.

yoss

keep on keepin on
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"All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain."

 
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