I have a quick question. I have a friend with whom I live with for ten years. She is one of my best friends but I had trouble dealing with her family. She is one of ten brothers and sisters. The whole family lives within a five mile radius if not together. Since I moved out over a year ago because I couldn't handle the constant coming and going of the family. They just would barge in at anytime. If anyone knows of my family, we are very limited.
Anyways, since I moved out, every single time she calls she wants to do something. So last week I finally told her that I needed some time. The withdrawal process is hard, and she is always talking about her family. She almost has no identity but a "----girl" last name of family.
So my question is when I finally called her yesterday, we talked for almost an hour. I thought it was good. She immediately called back and invited herself over for today. I had told her before that I wanted to be the one to ask her to do something. I told her I'd call her back today to let her know.
I don't know what to do. If I tell her yes, it may seem like she can now do this at anytime. If I tell her no, I may be racked with quilt. Do I want her to come over? I'm not sure, I'm kind of mad that she still didn't respect my request.
So What should I do?
go with what YOU feel capt - you dont really need anyone on here telling you what to do in this situation. life is going to bring up many things you'll have to decide for yourself - after being on opiate autopilot for a long time - i know its difficult - but you can do it. What do YOU really want to do today? ask yourself again - no matter wether you think you're gonna hurt someones feelings.
hope this helps capt
hang in there
i think the idea of being 'racked with quilt' sounds quite nice like an opiate warmth (just teasing - i make SP's all the time - its just that it sounded a bit too freudian for me to pass up )
"All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain."
"All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain."
Yoss you got me laughing!!! Oh how I mispell so many things. I had to read it twice to realize what I actually typed. Too funny. Yes I know I have to figure out on my own what I want. I guess what it comes down to is I am a little mad that she still did not honor my request. That was all I asked of her, was to not ask me to do anything until I ask her. I called with the hopes of just talking. Then to get a call back within seconds asking to do something made me mad. I guess I should tell her. It's like she tends to forget she acted like I was invisible for all those years, or she just took me for granted and now expects me to be available everytime she wants. We were not married, I am not a lesbian, neither is she, to my knowledge but she acts like we were. Like I left her and the family.
All I really wanted was for her to honor my request. I feel kind of let down.
But that was hilarious what I wrote, quilt actually, how do you spell guilt? Oh I just realized. Ha ha
Well I'm not going to have her come over basically because I don't feel like it. She knows how I feel, or at least I told her that her constantly asking or telling me to do things, just popping in has got to stop.
I am not quite sure what you meant Christian by basing friendships on my terms. It sounds like I demanding her to do it my way or not. THAT IT NOT THE CASE AT ALL. I simply can not have her call me everyday, tell me how crazy my family is and how she doesn't understand why her family isn't the norm.
If you meant to be supportive, take it elsewhere.
Thank you reach, yoss, I gotta good laugh outta my mispelled word. Being wrapped around a warm quilt does sound good, wait or did I spell guilt?
After 10 years of of living together, she probably thinks of you as family, or a best friend, and since her family operates that way, she thinks it's the norm. It will probably take a while to get things were you would like them to be, and you'll have to learn to just say no sometimes. When I was younger I had a friend who use to do the same thing, and pop in unexpectedly all the time wanting to "hang out" because he was bored. He just wouldn't listen to my requests to call 1st. It got to the point, when he would show up unexpectantly, I would grab me car keys and tell him, opps sorry, I'm just off to an appointment, then actually drive around the block a few times or run to a store for a few things. It was better than me getting mean or being annoyed all day. He finally got the hint, but quit coming around all together, which is what might happen with you if she gets offended. I guess how important her friendship is to you will determine how hard you will work at making it better. And remember, some people are just as thick as a brick and have no manners or class. Good luck with her!!
Manno that is exactly what it is like. All I basically was asking in this post was, do I have the right to be or feel ignored because she still asked to do something anyway?
I would only be saying yes to make her feel better. Do I still care about her as a friend? Absolutely, and I have done the same for her when she needed her space.
Anyway, Christian, I would like you to know that you truly hurt my feelings. I think I am a good friend. I care about people, I listen to them whenever they tell me something. Right now I am tapering, I'm irritable, moody and very restless. I have to say and this might sound rude, and Yoss check my sp, causing I'm crying too hard, but Christian, you are mean as hell. Who are you? did I miss the post where you introduced yourself or did you just pop on here to blow everyone away. I don't feel comfortable with you here, I have no right to keep you from posting.
I want you to know that what was said hurt very much. I going through the emotions, physical withdrawals and all I was asking was a simple question that had to do with my own strength of character. I refuse to let it blow me away though. It does hurt but I will not tell myself that I am a bad friend.
I just had to get that out, there's more, but I'd be banned.
As we all know, during detox and recovery, we must think about ourselves, we must be a little bit "selfish," for lack of a better word, to pull ourselves out of active addiction. If your friend is a little hard-headed and won't listen to your wishes and needs, then too bad for her. You are a loving, caring person (I have read most, if not all, of your posts). I don't think anyone in their right mind would refute that statement, anyone that knows you from these boards.
These emotional times can lead to a relapse, and we don't want that. This is your time, mp, where you set the rules for your life, your friendships... rules that will make or break your sobriety. Tell her, if you can, that she must honor the conditions for social interaction that you have asked for. She must be able to "hear and understand" what is best for you, right now, at this very moment. If you asked someone to quit posting on your threads, they should honor that request as well. If they dont, then to *ell with em.
Christian, please - go somewhere else. The last thing anybody here needs is someone making them feel worse than they already do. Yes, sometimes constructive criticism is good, but you're not sincerely being constructive, you're just trying to push buttons - which you have done. Wouldn't your time be better spent somewhere else? If you remain here, I'm pretty sure there are a few people who WON'T - and that's not cool. Some people NEED this place.
So c'mon....be a man - have a heart - leave everyone alone....and take it somewhere else, will ya?
Thanks guys I am not leaving,
if I have to I'll just not read his posts. He's obviously been on other boards here and well hope he chooses to go ranting around another one, if any are left.
Well it was a tough one, tough day to be exact and I did not need that comment. I though had the choice to wallow in it and stew, or believe it and say to myself that I am a terrible person. No, I can't do that to myself right now. One person does not have that much power over me. I came on, vented, not all of it of course and then started to read. My goal was to relax, stay in one place for one hour. I couldn't sleep so I started reading. Now I'm interested in the stages of childhood. I know I know them but I want to find out where mine got messed up so that I can start anew. I have adult skills which will make it alot easier, it may also be fun to play.
Well I'll be back later.
THanks again guys, and Reach.
My sister had a friend that sounds a lot like yours.
I've found that when relationships change, the one who changes it can move forward on that change and the other needs a mis-step or 2 or 3 or 5 before acknowledging that "something's different".
(and I want you to know that I think you made a positive change. The relationship doesn't sound like you both mutually contribute and receive 50%). I think Christian was trying to say something to that effect but it's not what you say, it's how you say it, so I've been told, grin.
Anyway...stick to your guns. My sister was the type another poster said - if her friend showed up unannounced/invited, Sis would get her keys and say "I can't talk right now." I think it's important to not offer explanations or excuses, esp false ones. We sometimes think we have to explain everything and I think you have enough to focus on right now.
If your friend can't adjust to the New You, well...not probably a friend you want as New You.
I wish you continued strength as you move forward.