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Old 01-14-2008, 02:47 AM   #1
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'Parents of' - can anyone relate?

Do parents of hardened drug addicts detach from their child emotionally, to stop themelves the pain and grief that they suffer when they are in their childrens' lives?

And to those who have had to take the above action with their child - Do you feel like it is an ever ending grieving process that you are going though?
You come to terms with them as they are, accept it is their choice etc, but then when you hear about your child from any source, all the pain returns again as though you've just be told they've died and it comes as such a shock, (again and again and again........)
Thanks for taking the time to read.

 
Old 01-14-2008, 03:43 AM   #2
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Re: 'Parents of' - can anyone relate?

hi isitme.

my child is too young to be addicted to anything but smarties (kind of like Rees's pieces).
But i was once the child who caused the hurt and pain. My mother explained to me what it was doing to her - and her words were virtually the same as yours. We even kept away from each other for nearly a year - when we did see each other it was terrible - 2 people who loved each other trying to keep their distance.
i may not be a parent in the situation you have mentioned - but as i said - i was the child - and if there was hope for my mother - then there is hope for you to.

i wish/hope that the day of reconciliation is close for you

i'll cross my fingers for you

take care

yoss

"all those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain"
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Old 01-15-2008, 01:50 PM   #3
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Re: 'Parents of' - can anyone relate?

Quote:
Originally Posted by isitme View Post
Do parents of hardened drug addicts detach from their child emotionally, to stop themelves the pain and grief that they suffer when they are in their childrens' lives?

And to those who have had to take the above action with their child - Do you feel like it is an ever ending grieving process that you are going though?
You come to terms with them as they are, accept it is their choice etc, but then when you hear about your child from any source, all the pain returns again as though you've just be told they've died and it comes as such a shock, (again and again and again........)
Thanks for taking the time to read.
Hello isitme,

I will give you my take on it;

Parents of drug addicts who truly care about their offspring can only detach in percentages(if only to take a look at the situation objectively); no two being the same.

I have nothing against Al-Anon and others, as they do provide helpful information and insight.

"Tough Love" means being stern while still loving the child(no matter what age,they are still our children) regardless of the situation.

Those that are more emotional may find it more difficult embracing the above mentioned concept.

There are some parents out there who blame themselves for their children's actions and have earnestly tried to keep them on the "straight and narrow path"; my heart goes out to them.

You see, none of us are perfect and many will fall into the category of "if I only did something different" thinkers.

It is fair to say that, as parents, we want to see our children break free of the hold that substances may have on them; keep that position.

Where there is hope, an innate will exists and where there is a will, there is a way.

The concept of grieving refers to someone/something that we have lost and has no reasonable ability to return.

Your child is "lost" in one sense but the door remains open(in your heart) for return.

Simply put, if you didn't care, this would not effect you as it does.

I consider this world fortunate to have people like you in it; you are not alone.

Take care.

Phoenix
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Last edited by Phoenix; 01-15-2008 at 04:35 PM. Reason: clarification

 
Old 01-15-2008, 03:16 PM   #4
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Re: 'Parents of' - can anyone relate?

to detach is hard to answer...alot of different variables here, age, do they live at home, are they trying to quit, or do they just want to continue on the addiction path? Its a hard one to answer, mine lives at home where i have too see him every day, he is clean most of the time..I have zero tolerance and am not allowing it much longer in our home..right now he is in an outpatient program and working. as long as he keeps trying we are here for him..but me and husband decided if he starts again, he is out..

 
Old 01-15-2008, 04:17 PM   #5
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Re: 'Parents of' - can anyone relate?

Dear isitme,

I can only tell you that I couldnot detach, I hung on for dear life. I gave my son love when at times all I wanted to do was strangle him. The pain that one experiences is like no other that I have ever felt. I have to say that the joy of my son comming out of the dark hole he was in was just as powerful as the pain.
I learned to grab on to a moment of happiness in something as small as a smile between us, even if only for a second. I went through all the stages of was it something we did as parents, was it the friends he hung with. Regardless of what it was it was happening.
I guess you as a parent have to decide what will work for you, I took the attitude that I would get between my son and the drugs anyway I could. We decided no matter what we wouldnot give up on him, even if he gave up on himself. He will have a year clean on Jan 24.
This is just my opinion but I looked at it like if he had say cancer, heart trouble( I know they are not self inflicted) would I give up on him if he had a relapse. No I would not.
I truly wish that your heart mends and the grief you feel lessons. There is always hope. Take care of yourself.
Eric's Ma

 
Old 01-16-2008, 12:32 PM   #6
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Re: 'Parents of' - can anyone relate?

My son is a recovering heroin/crack/pain killer pills addict. He is 26 now and has been mostly clean for three years. A year ago he had a slip with crack (his first time using it) but it didn't last long. He sought help after a couple of weeks of using it. His real addiction was to opiates.
He lived withe me. Just the two of us. I loved him and hated him sometimes for what he was doing to our family. I couldn't let go of him. When I found the heroin I went crazy. I dumped 44 packs of it along with 11 / 80 mg Oxycontin pills down the toilet and told him to get clean or get out. The thing is we had a very close relationship. But at the same time he knew I always did what I said. So he got clean at home. Wouldn't go to meetings. I drug tested him daily for months. But he still has the addict mentality. He went to Florida for a winter because he loves fishing and when he came back for the summer I wouldn't let him live with me because I knew if he did he wouldn't work and he'd suck the life right out of me even though he wasn't doing drugs. He ended up sleeping in his van in the Walmart parking lot. He didn't like that and ended up getting a job and renting a room. Now he lives in Buffalo and is doing quite well. The job he has is the longest he has ever worked at one place. He has a girl who doesn't do drugs. His last girlfriend died of a heroin overdose after they broke up. I went to Al Anon and it helped to a point but I could never fully detach from my son and never will.

But I also won't give him money or a place to stay. He's old enough to work and provide for himself. But I will always talk to him and be there for him emotionally. It took me a long time to learn all this. His whole drug thing started in Jan of 2003.

 
Old 01-17-2008, 03:16 AM   #7
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Re: 'Parents of' - can anyone relate?

How can I be there for him emotionally, (at his time of need), which is now...............when the mere mention of his name/situation he is in, leaves me 100% emotionally battered and bruised?
He is at his lowest point he's ever been his whole life, emotionally, physically, mentally. The doctor has stopped the methadone, so he is in withdrawal. Do moments of introspection happen at this phase? I'm not even sure whether what I have called detachment from him over the last 6 years at least, has actually meant that or whether it's more a case of I've shut myself off/put that wall up/avoided him because I'm not sure what it is I am dealing with, just drugs or drugs and a personality disorder. So all my thoughts conflict each other eg - depression. Is he truly depressed? If the answer is yes, then I would be there for him in an instance, but if the answer is no, not really, he is merely trying a new tactic on me to evoke pity, (as others are no longer taken in by what he say), then my actions would be different. Every single part of his life - I see two options and I sway to and fro and to and fro......................There don't seem to be any answers.

 
Old 01-17-2008, 03:38 AM   #8
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Re: 'Parents of' - can anyone relate?

hi isitme

im sorry things are they way they are at the moment. And im afraid there aren't any answers - only hope - and as i understand, that must be pretty thin on the ground with you at the moment.
Your son may have moments of introspection at this stage - but he will also be consumed (more than likely) with the desire to feel what he considers to be 'normal' - high on opiates.
you are doing the best you can for him - and being a mother - thats all you can do.
i hope his situation improves very soon. i will cross my fingers for you.

take care

yoss

"In sleep a king, but, waking, no such matter”
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Old 01-17-2008, 03:56 AM   #9
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Re: 'Parents of' - can anyone relate?

Dear isitme,

He may be at the lowest point in his life but it is too early to tell if this is his true "bottom."

Studies have shown that varying percentages of those with psychological disorders also have a propensity towards the abuse of alcohol and/or drugs.

I truly hope that he can place things into perspective at this point in time.

"When I looked at my child, it forced me to look at myself, if only to a certain degree."

This is not to say that you caused his behavior patterns but it may be a method of shining light on an already confusing situation.

Take care.

Phoenix
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Old 01-17-2008, 04:28 AM   #10
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Re: 'Parents of' - can anyone relate?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Phoenix1 View Post
Dear isitme,

He may be at the lowest point in his life but it is too early to tell if this is his true "bottom."

Studies have shown that varying percentages of those with psychological disorders also have a propensity towards the abuse of alcohol and/or drugs.

I truly hope that he can place things into perspective at this point in time.

"When I looked at my child, it forced me to look at myself, if only to a certain degree."

This is not to say that you caused his behavior patterns but it may be a method of shining light on an already confusing situation.

Take care.

Phoenix
I've been going over and over my life over the last 18 months or so, utilizing many of the boards on this site, as you know. I have gained a great deal of insight into many of my worries and problems. For now the waters will have to stay murky with my son. I'm too broken and need fixing myself. It took me long enough to see that I needed help. It is so difficult when the trigger is my own son. I know that needs sorting.

Thank you all for your momments and helping me get things into perspectve. I am beginning to understand his take on normal now.

 
Old 01-17-2008, 04:38 AM   #11
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Re: 'Parents of' - can anyone relate?

itisme, im not familiar with the whole story of your son,so forgive me if im wrong..you said he is a trigger for you. do you abuse alcohol/drugs?

I can relate to being emotionally battered..i am too, therapy is trying to teach me how to detach emotionally. it all makes sense when im sitting there talking to him,but when i come home its almost like i forget everything.. still i do find it helpful and i look forward to going weekly...do you see a therapist?

 
Old 01-17-2008, 05:47 AM   #12
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Re: 'Parents of' - can anyone relate?

I've more or less drank all my life and it wasn't until a couple of years ago that the doctor said - 'it isn't what you drink or how much you drink. What's important is understanding the reason as to WHY you do it' and up til then the penny had never dropped. I was pschologicallly abused thoughtout my 10 year marriage and unfortunately my son also has the same personality. Once x died, I thought I would be cured, but I wasn't and I still drank, yet still never understood why. That's when I started looking within, saw that when my son was in the situation, I'll end up drinking to - rid myself of not only the present that I suffer from with my son, but the past also with him and the past of his dad. My head is fit for bursting and a drink gives me that much needed few hours escapism from myself and my thoughts. This past week or so has been a week of hell. I do not know what I think of my son anymore. I don't even know the true, drugless him. I'm at a loss and I've been searching everywhere for answers and how other people handle things, because there is not way I want to become dependant on drink again. When you realise you need a drink because you have an e-mail from your son/ you hear he's not doing well etc, that's the time to face reality as to why. First assessment tomorrow. I've been doing on-line, CBT, etc and that has helped greatly, but as you say, when it's your son, it all goes out the window. Apart from the drugs, is your son a nice person. I can't even claim that of my son and that is where the sadness comes in.

 
Old 01-17-2008, 08:43 AM   #13
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Re: 'Parents of' - can anyone relate?

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Originally Posted by isitme View Post
Apart from the drugs, is your son a nice person. I can't even claim that of my son and that is where the sadness comes in.
Isitme,

Herein lies the question if your son even knows himself, for he may not even be aware as to the "why" of it all.

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Old 01-17-2008, 03:11 PM   #14
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Re: 'Parents of' - can anyone relate?

hi again

i just wanted to say - me and my mother went through psychological hell for over 10 years also - when heroin came along, it took it all away. i didnt even know thats why i was taking it. it has taken me a long time to understand my motivations and my drug use and how it has stemmed from childhood trauma. during my time - i have done some pretty 'bad' things - shameful things that im not proud of. it took a lot of digging before i hit rock bottom - and then i decided to dig a little more just to see how deep the ****** could get.

the thing is - this wasnt the real me. and that isnt your real son. its hard to understand - and hard for me to explain - but he's that out of control without realising it - he just doesnt function like a 'normal' 'straight' person. so take hope in the fact that you son is still 'in there' somewhere, its just that he's buried deep inside one of the most addictive poisons known to man.

The fact that you are doing CBT (assesment? are you training to be a practioner?) - i know its tough - but try and use your skills and knowledge of this to help yourself - breaking the cycle of ANT's etc. you most importantly must look after yourself - you come first (its tough to go against parental instinct i know) - but what good are you to anyone if this all gets to the point where you just lie down and give up. you have forgotten how much YOU matter. - your son has to be left to his own devices (difficult again - i know - easy for me to say - but true) you nor anyone else in the world can make him better/make him quit - he must do this on his own - and when he's ready -he's gonna need you then. So think about yourself first - you're worth it.

i hope your assesment goes well - and you're in my thoughts - i hope things start to look up for you soon.

yoss

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Old 01-17-2008, 03:33 PM   #15
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Re: 'Parents of' - can anyone relate?

I can honestly say that i dont know my son anymore..i dont know who he really is and i dont know much about his 'REAL" personality. I see howhe is when he uses drugs, when hes coming off them and i see how it is before he picks up again..and can almost predict when it will be by his mood changes. Its very real and very scary. I do know that he is very bright and knows he has a problem and hes trying to fix them..i also know that this time last year he was in an active addiction and was a totally different person. now for the most part hes not using..but, he has too many slips and its mostly impulsive and i really believe that he cant help himself..thats where the outpatient program , therapy ad meds comes in..we hope it will all work together to help him get and stay clean. he has a very real underlying disorder. how old is your son?

 
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