Do parents of hardened drug addicts detach from their child emotionally, to stop themelves the pain and grief that they suffer when they are in their childrens' lives?
And to those who have had to take the above action with their child - Do you feel like it is an ever ending grieving process that you are going though?
You come to terms with them as they are, accept it is their choice etc, but then when you hear about your child from any source, all the pain returns again as though you've just be told they've died and it comes as such a shock, (again and again and again........)
Thanks for taking the time to read.
my child is too young to be addicted to anything but smarties (kind of like Rees's pieces).
But i was once the child who caused the hurt and pain. My mother explained to me what it was doing to her - and her words were virtually the same as yours. We even kept away from each other for nearly a year - when we did see each other it was terrible - 2 people who loved each other trying to keep their distance.
i may not be a parent in the situation you have mentioned - but as i said - i was the child - and if there was hope for my mother - then there is hope for you to.
i wish/hope that the day of reconciliation is close for you
i'll cross my fingers for you
take care
yoss
"all those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain"
__________________
yoss
"All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain."
Do parents of hardened drug addicts detach from their child emotionally, to stop themelves the pain and grief that they suffer when they are in their childrens' lives?
And to those who have had to take the above action with their child - Do you feel like it is an ever ending grieving process that you are going though?
You come to terms with them as they are, accept it is their choice etc, but then when you hear about your child from any source, all the pain returns again as though you've just be told they've died and it comes as such a shock, (again and again and again........)
Thanks for taking the time to read.
Hello isitme,
I will give you my take on it;
Parents of drug addicts who truly care about their offspring can only detach in percentages(if only to take a look at the situation objectively); no two being the same.
I have nothing against Al-Anon and others, as they do provide helpful information and insight.
"Tough Love" means being stern while still loving the child(no matter what age,they are still our children) regardless of the situation.
Those that are more emotional may find it more difficult embracing the above mentioned concept.
There are some parents out there who blame themselves for their children's actions and have earnestly tried to keep them on the "straight and narrow path"; my heart goes out to them.
You see, none of us are perfect and many will fall into the category of "if I only did something different" thinkers.
It is fair to say that, as parents, we want to see our children break free of the hold that substances may have on them; keep that position.
Where there is hope, an innate will exists and where there is a will, there is a way.
The concept of grieving refers to someone/something that we have lost and has no reasonable ability to return.
Your child is "lost" in one sense but the door remains open(in your heart) for return.
Simply put, if you didn't care, this would not effect you as it does.
I consider this world fortunate to have people like you in it; you are not alone.
Take care.
Phoenix
__________________
When in doubt, post it out.
Last edited by Phoenix; 01-15-2008 at 04:35 PM.
Reason: clarification
to detach is hard to answer...alot of different variables here, age, do they live at home, are they trying to quit, or do they just want to continue on the addiction path? Its a hard one to answer, mine lives at home where i have too see him every day, he is clean most of the time..I have zero tolerance and am not allowing it much longer in our home..right now he is in an outpatient program and working. as long as he keeps trying we are here for him..but me and husband decided if he starts again, he is out..
I can only tell you that I couldnot detach, I hung on for dear life. I gave my son love when at times all I wanted to do was strangle him. The pain that one experiences is like no other that I have ever felt. I have to say that the joy of my son comming out of the dark hole he was in was just as powerful as the pain.
I learned to grab on to a moment of happiness in something as small as a smile between us, even if only for a second. I went through all the stages of was it something we did as parents, was it the friends he hung with. Regardless of what it was it was happening.
I guess you as a parent have to decide what will work for you, I took the attitude that I would get between my son and the drugs anyway I could. We decided no matter what we wouldnot give up on him, even if he gave up on himself. He will have a year clean on Jan 24.
This is just my opinion but I looked at it like if he had say cancer, heart trouble( I know they are not self inflicted) would I give up on him if he had a relapse. No I would not.
I truly wish that your heart mends and the grief you feel lessons. There is always hope. Take care of yourself.
Eric's Ma
My son is a recovering heroin/crack/pain killer pills addict. He is 26 now and has been mostly clean for three years. A year ago he had a slip with crack (his first time using it) but it didn't last long. He sought help after a couple of weeks of using it. His real addiction was to opiates.
He lived withe me. Just the two of us. I loved him and hated him sometimes for what he was doing to our family. I couldn't let go of him. When I found the heroin I went crazy. I dumped 44 packs of it along with 11 / 80 mg Oxycontin pills down the toilet and told him to get clean or get out. The thing is we had a very close relationship. But at the same time he knew I always did what I said. So he got clean at home. Wouldn't go to meetings. I drug tested him daily for months. But he still has the addict mentality. He went to Florida for a winter because he loves fishing and when he came back for the summer I wouldn't let him live with me because I knew if he did he wouldn't work and he'd suck the life right out of me even though he wasn't doing drugs. He ended up sleeping in his van in the Walmart parking lot. He didn't like that and ended up getting a job and renting a room. Now he lives in Buffalo and is doing quite well. The job he has is the longest he has ever worked at one place. He has a girl who doesn't do drugs. His last girlfriend died of a heroin overdose after they broke up. I went to Al Anon and it helped to a point but I could never fully detach from my son and never will.
But I also won't give him money or a place to stay. He's old enough to work and provide for himself. But I will always talk to him and be there for him emotionally. It took me a long time to learn all this. His whole drug thing started in Jan of 2003.
How can I be there for him emotionally, (at his time of need), which is now...............when the mere mention of his name/situation he is in, leaves me 100% emotionally battered and bruised?
He is at his lowest point he's ever been his whole life, emotionally, physically, mentally. The doctor has stopped the methadone, so he is in withdrawal. Do moments of introspection happen at this phase? I'm not even sure whether what I have called detachment from him over the last 6 years at least, has actually meant that or whether it's more a case of I've shut myself off/put that wall up/avoided him because I'm not sure what it is I am dealing with, just drugs or drugs and a personality disorder. So all my thoughts conflict each other eg - depression. Is he truly depressed? If the answer is yes, then I would be there for him in an instance, but if the answer is no, not really, he is merely trying a new tactic on me to evoke pity, (as others are no longer taken in by what he say), then my actions would be different. Every single part of his life - I see two options and I sway to and fro and to and fro......................There don't seem to be any answers.
im sorry things are they way they are at the moment. And im afraid there aren't any answers - only hope - and as i understand, that must be pretty thin on the ground with you at the moment.
Your son may have moments of introspection at this stage - but he will also be consumed (more than likely) with the desire to feel what he considers to be 'normal' - high on opiates.
you are doing the best you can for him - and being a mother - thats all you can do.
i hope his situation improves very soon. i will cross my fingers for you.
take care
yoss
"In sleep a king, but, waking, no such matter”
__________________
yoss
"All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain."
He may be at the lowest point in his life but it is too early to tell if this is his true "bottom."
Studies have shown that varying percentages of those with psychological disorders also have a propensity towards the abuse of alcohol and/or drugs.
I truly hope that he can place things into perspective at this point in time.
"When I looked at my child, it forced me to look at myself, if only to a certain degree."
This is not to say that you caused his behavior patterns but it may be a method of shining light on an already confusing situation.
Take care.
Phoenix
I've been going over and over my life over the last 18 months or so, utilizing many of the boards on this site, as you know. I have gained a great deal of insight into many of my worries and problems. For now the waters will have to stay murky with my son. I'm too broken and need fixing myself. It took me long enough to see that I needed help. It is so difficult when the trigger is my own son. I know that needs sorting.
Thank you all for your momments and helping me get things into perspectve. I am beginning to understand his take on normal now.
itisme, im not familiar with the whole story of your son,so forgive me if im wrong..you said he is a trigger for you. do you abuse alcohol/drugs?
I can relate to being emotionally battered..i am too, therapy is trying to teach me how to detach emotionally. it all makes sense when im sitting there talking to him,but when i come home its almost like i forget everything.. still i do find it helpful and i look forward to going weekly...do you see a therapist?
I've more or less drank all my life and it wasn't until a couple of years ago that the doctor said - 'it isn't what you drink or how much you drink. What's important is understanding the reason as to WHY you do it' and up til then the penny had never dropped. I was pschologicallly abused thoughtout my 10 year marriage and unfortunately my son also has the same personality. Once x died, I thought I would be cured, but I wasn't and I still drank, yet still never understood why. That's when I started looking within, saw that when my son was in the situation, I'll end up drinking to - rid myself of not only the present that I suffer from with my son, but the past also with him and the past of his dad. My head is fit for bursting and a drink gives me that much needed few hours escapism from myself and my thoughts. This past week or so has been a week of hell. I do not know what I think of my son anymore. I don't even know the true, drugless him. I'm at a loss and I've been searching everywhere for answers and how other people handle things, because there is not way I want to become dependant on drink again. When you realise you need a drink because you have an e-mail from your son/ you hear he's not doing well etc, that's the time to face reality as to why. First assessment tomorrow. I've been doing on-line, CBT, etc and that has helped greatly, but as you say, when it's your son, it all goes out the window. Apart from the drugs, is your son a nice person. I can't even claim that of my son and that is where the sadness comes in.
i just wanted to say - me and my mother went through psychological hell for over 10 years also - when heroin came along, it took it all away. i didnt even know thats why i was taking it. it has taken me a long time to understand my motivations and my drug use and how it has stemmed from childhood trauma. during my time - i have done some pretty 'bad' things - shameful things that im not proud of. it took a lot of digging before i hit rock bottom - and then i decided to dig a little more just to see how deep the ****** could get.
the thing is - this wasnt the real me. and that isnt your real son. its hard to understand - and hard for me to explain - but he's that out of control without realising it - he just doesnt function like a 'normal' 'straight' person. so take hope in the fact that you son is still 'in there' somewhere, its just that he's buried deep inside one of the most addictive poisons known to man.
The fact that you are doing CBT (assesment? are you training to be a practioner?) - i know its tough - but try and use your skills and knowledge of this to help yourself - breaking the cycle of ANT's etc. you most importantly must look after yourself - you come first (its tough to go against parental instinct i know) - but what good are you to anyone if this all gets to the point where you just lie down and give up. you have forgotten how much YOU matter. - your son has to be left to his own devices (difficult again - i know - easy for me to say - but true) you nor anyone else in the world can make him better/make him quit - he must do this on his own - and when he's ready -he's gonna need you then. So think about yourself first - you're worth it.
i hope your assesment goes well - and you're in my thoughts - i hope things start to look up for you soon.
yoss
"In sleep a king, but, waking, no such matter”
__________________
yoss
"All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain."
I can honestly say that i dont know my son anymore..i dont know who he really is and i dont know much about his 'REAL" personality. I see howhe is when he uses drugs, when hes coming off them and i see how it is before he picks up again..and can almost predict when it will be by his mood changes. Its very real and very scary. I do know that he is very bright and knows he has a problem and hes trying to fix them..i also know that this time last year he was in an active addiction and was a totally different person. now for the most part hes not using..but, he has too many slips and its mostly impulsive and i really believe that he cant help himself..thats where the outpatient program , therapy ad meds comes in..we hope it will all work together to help him get and stay clean. he has a very real underlying disorder. how old is your son?
Joan, happy to read your son is still doing well and I think the fact that you stood strong was a big part of the reason why your son does so well.
Lesson learned, you can be supportive without being a doormat.
Jules when my son first went into the psych hospital I realized the son I had been "missing" so much didn't exist anymore, all I had was a lying addict. A stranger. Thankfully he is kinder these days and resembles my son.
Itisme. As Jules brings up, you have to get to the underlying cause of the addiction before you can treat the addiction. Our son sucked the life out of us too, I went nowhere I was so down. I hated him and the minute I heard his voice I got sick to my stomach. Then by accident and heartache we found out he has bipolar. I tell you I never though life would return to any kind of normalcy but it is almost there.
You need to get help for yourself. Do you think you are letting your son psycologically abuse you now? You have to find out why you allow yourself to be treated by your son like you don't count. Then you can let go. (Letting go isn't cutting off. You have to learn how to let go. Letting go is letting him fall and you not always being there to pick him up). You have to learn to love yourself. I think you don't know how to. Sounds like you have had a tough go.
You say your son isn't a nice person, is this just since the drugs? Because they can be mean, emotionally battering, controlling, evil....but don't believe any put downs he flings at you, he is trying to hurt you, sadly, on purpose, b/c he is hurting. Remember that, if you show it doesn't hurt, he will stop, he is an overgrown spoiled disrespectful child, treat the insults as such.
Everything you say is so true and you explained it very well. I just talked to my son on the phone and he is doing really well. He starts a new job next week, a better one then he had. He's moving up in the world. But there was a time where I hated him for what he was doing to me and the family and himself. There were no walls left in his room. He body slammed most of them. My ex-husband just paid to have the room redone. There are still other holes in the kitchen and hallway that need fixing. But now he is the son I used to know. Very loving and polite. So there is always hope. I never gave up on him. I just didn't give him money or housing anymore. Once he realized he was on his own, things changed. He didn't like being out there all alone, no money, no food.
Cram 315 is so right. You can let go but you can still love them. Al Anon helped me a lot and my therapist.
Do parents of hardened drug addicts detach from their child emotionally, to stop themelves the pain and grief that they suffer when they are in their childrens' lives?
And to those who have had to take the above action with their child - Do you feel like it is an ever ending grieving process that you are going though?
You come to terms with them as they are, accept it is their choice etc, but then when you hear about your child from any source, all the pain returns again as though you've just be told they've died and it comes as such a shock, (again and again and again........)
Thanks for taking the time to read.
I'm on this site for the first time today, and this is the first thread I picked to read through. Why? It seemed to fit my situation, my dilemna, my concern for our family and our son. I have been on a roller coaster ride of emotions for the last 9 years with my son. I have done the 'what if's' to the point of exhaustion. I have done everything I could think of to stand in my son's ways of self destruction. I have loved him unconditionally while voicing my disapproval of his actions. I have felt such despair because our situations do feel like a death of a loved one. I have been in the depths of depression, physically sick for 2 years, and I have rallied so many times when I thought I was completely done with him, that no one could ever accuse me of giving up on my son. Has it helped? I don't know the answer, believe it or not.
My 24 yo son has used alcohol and drugs since he was 15 yo. He has an addiction problem, but doesn't see it. He never has really. There have been no shortage of interventions for him and for us....always at our initiative, not his. That's a major reason why treatment doesn't work for him. He doesn't need it, doesn't want it. He seemed to do well at some point in time in the various treatments, but always ended up using again....because "it's not as big a deal as you make it out to be". The old 'it's not me, it's you situation; I don't have a problem, you do; why don't you just let me live my own life?; you make me want to drink when you talk like this (meaning...me saying your behavior is unacceptable). Lately, he has taken to saying, "Thanks a lot mom for your support", when I confront him and his actions and tell him I disaprove. We have never given him any reason to think we don't love him, and have gone way beyond what most people would do in pouring blood, sweat and tears into helping him to help himself.
He was arrested 3 x's as a minor, and once recently as an adult. My husband had him arrested when he trashed his room in a drunken, angry rage. I thought that he would be finally out of the house for good, but no. My husband invitedhim back in 4 days later. He has never been punished by serving any time. He is not phased by the consequenses of his actions because frankly, they are not so bad. He gets to live in our house, eat our food, sleep when he wants, work when he feels like, not work when he feels like it, etc.
He as been been thrown out of the house countless times since he was 15, but always manages to get us to let him come home. I always told our son that he broke the rules he agreed to to be able to llive with us, so he has chosen not to live with us.....as opposed to 'we are kicking you out. Early on, we both would let him come back..because we hoped things would be different for him and us. It never lasted long enough, and the lying and manipulations just got more frequent.
More recently, I don't want him living here anymore because it is slowly destroying me and the family relationship. I've been trying to fight for my sanity for a few years now. It's not easy when both parents aren't on the same page. My husband can not bring himself to leave his son on his own and to his own devices for any period of time that MIGHT make a difference. He agrees that we are enabling his behavior, but that doesn't make it any easier to put him out and keep him out. I am the emotional one and I don't think that's a bad thing. That is me. My husband can bottle up his feelings and move one with life, working, sleeping like a baby, etc. I have not been able to do that, so I've been slowly dying over time. Always waiting for the other shoe to fall...why? Because history tells me the other shoe always falls. It's just a matter of time.
I am so sorry for this long post. I didn't intend for it to be so long. I guess, I'm just still hoping that my son will someday realize that he is ruining his life and decide for himself that he needs to change things. There, I've said it. The love never dies, the hope never dies.... but the respect certainly does.
Why is he medicating himself with drugs and alcohol? Personally, I think it's unresolved issues related to having severe learning disabilities and the struggles that took place for him and us. I also think he suffered from depression and was never diagnosed. He has been resistive to any treatment where he is asked to be introspective about his life which hasn't helped either. My husbad wants to invest more money in treatment for him, and I have said no. Enough is enough. If he admitted he had problems and wanted to help himself that would be one thing, but that's not the case. I am not going to borrow any more money to invest in treatment that my son doesn't need or want. I am done with putting out any more of my energy for my son. It is long overdue for him to start putting out the energy for his own life. The hard part is worrying if he ever will. I think about the kind of life that my son could have had, or could be building for himself if he would address his problems. That's a huge loss for me to bear. I have always done the best for my children, so this wasn't the scenerio I expected. Utter sadness!
I'd like for others to respond to me. I welcome a dialogue with others who know what I am talking about. I have a few friends who have been supportive, but unless you are in my shoes, it's never going to be perfectly clear what the stuggle and sadness is like for us.
Hi karen, wow i can relate to alot of what you are saying.. my son is 21 and an addict along with possible bipolarism,definitly depression and tons of anxiety..Same crap, breaking things in the house being agggresive,angry the whole 9 yards.. it was 100x worse last year tho. he was out of state in a rehab for 30 days the month of march..came home and was clean for months had a few slips and now is in an outpatient rehab 3 days aweek along with n.a meetings and therapy and medication..we never did throw him out but this time he knows that if he messes up again, than hes out..the difference here in our family is that my husband is finally on the same page as me..he was in denial for a long time..hes not anymore, i think he was lied to a little too much..finally he saw what we were dealing with here. he saw it for what it really is..my son is an addict and we know it and he knows it..he definitly wants the behaviour to stop, he sees what it has done to his life and his family..i truly believe he cant help himself, hes constanly battling demons. but hes clean now for a few weeks and following the program and the rules..he works 3 days a week and does the program the other 3 days. he goes to a meeting a day...I do not want to sound like its perfect, it is so far from it..i wait everyday for the other shoe to drop too, he has sucked years out of me and my husband we are battered and so worn out from this mess. we wont even leave him alone in the house for too long..isnt that crazy hes a 21 yr old man..but hes very immature and we were told that the drugs did that to him...hes like a teenager again..he has a tough time dealing with lifes stresses . everything is huge and a disaster for him..and he blames us for most of it.. Can you tell us a little more? was he in any kind of program rehab? will he admit to a problem?
