Okay, I have been here for a while. I do have some legitimate pain but I abuse hydros. That is the bottom line. I can make all the excuses I want but I abuse the drug. I take about 6 -7.5's a day for 3-4 years.I have tried ct and always come back after a week or so. I have learned through this board that I am looking to fill up a whole within myself through these drugs. I have a life that is rich and full. I have been divorced for about 8 years (which is a good thing) and live alone. I have a boat load of wonderful, smart and loving friends and a family that is close and loving. I am clear and clean with all of them. I even have a new grandson who is the light of my day. Why is it that I feel so lonely that I have to fill myself up with these pills that make me so guilty? You have no idea how hard it is for me to admit that. I am independent to a fault. I give everything I have to my friends, family, work and my community. I have tried so many times to quit that I have given up until now. I owe it to myself and to myself. (that will be the only way I can do it). Help me with a program. Should I cut back to 4 a day for a week? I need to move away from the guilt and get on a program that works. I take direction well.I also take tramadol. I take 3-4 50mg a day and am probably addicted to them but one thing at a time. I am on 10 mg of Lexapro for depression. I started the Lexapro after my surgery while I was going through withdrawl and did not know it. It has really helped me but now I am worried that I will go back into depression and the Lexapro won't work anymore. Please, just a plan. I need your help. I belong to a gym but am afraid to start working out before I go off the drugs, I am afraid of everything. That is also a very hard thing to admit. Before my back, severe degenerative disc and arthritis, I worked out 5 or 6 times a week for 10 years. I know how exercise helps your mental health. I am afraid I won't get back to where I was, I'm so competitive with myself. There is that word again "afraid". Lonely is just another word for afraid of being. I'm starting to ramble and I want to just stop and listen to you. Thank you.
There is a lot of drama on the boards these days lately, and a lot of the people who normally respond to you have been banned.
I know that you see yourself out of control with the meds, and you are a bit. However, your usage is not that high. I would drop the tramadol first. It has a longer half-life, and is harder to quit than the vics. You can do a slow taper, drop one pill per week, which seems to work for most folks. Tapering requires that you have the ability to exercise some self-control or have someone dole out the pills. At the dosages you're on, a slow taper will not be very painful (hopefully). You can quit cold turkey if you have enough time to take sick leave.
Most people do some kind of exercise during detox, even if its mild, like walking and stretching. I wouldn't recommend a rigorous workout that leaves you wipped out and wanting pills more.
Sorry, I have to go to work. As soon as some of the people who were banned come back, they can help more.
I agree with mk, your dosage isn't that high, although that still doesn't mean you aren't addicted & abusing them, and it's great that you acknowledge that and want to do something.
I do have one thought on the tramadol...You're drug of choice is the hydro, and I have heard a lot of people using the tramadol to taper off of hydro with. The hydro is the more addictive of the 2, and gives more of a "high". I would concentrate mainly on the hydro 1st.
You said you have always tried cold turkey in the past...Slow tapers are the best, but hard to control. You have to have iron willpower, and or great support. Someone else controlling the pills helps too, sometimes.
Maybe drop 1-2 hydro per day every week or so, and you could also taper on the tramadol slightly as well...whatever works for you best, but if you make yourself too uncomfortable, you risk relapsing, as you have in the past....slow and steady wins the race sometimes, and you have already proven cold turkey isn't for you, right?!
And don't blame yourself...the drugs have rewired your brain...People will rob, prostitute themselves, steal from their mother, whatever it takes to keep from the agony of withdrawl. Your brain needs time to heal once you do stop taking them ,and your depression probably will flare up...It does in most everyone. Tapering slowly will keep that at a minimum.
Personally, i believe there is benefit to starting your exercise program now, as you wean...It will help you adjust faster, and when you do finally get to the end of the taper it will be rough...and it will be good to have that exercise routine already in place, even if it is just walking a mile or two every day at 1st.
You didn't get this far addicted overnight, and especially with opiates, you aren't going to get better overnight....but with hard work you can do it. Counseling can help...I have been going to a group counseling deal for about a year and i absolutely hated the idea if it, but it was required for a program i wanted to get into...There were about 5 of us guys that all really hit it off and we all did really well, and it helped...it was a special bond. I just left the program and am actually going to go to my 1st ever NA meeting this Saturday, and give that a try, because the support & counseling really does seem to help...either that or i just got so sick of wasting time going i decided to behave
Is your doctor aware of your usage and desire to quit, or are you doing this on your own?? Depression is like pain...it flares up when we go through that withdrawl / healing phase, and we have to expect it and prepare for it as best we can.
Your attempts to quit sound like mine. Hydro is/was my drug of choice. I had neck surgery in April and the pain management people put me on the duragesic patch. That was the worst thing to withdraw from in my life. Five weeks after my surgery they dropped me. My shrink kept me tapering and now guess what I am back on? yep hydro's. Since I am such a chronic relapser he wants me to go as slow as possible. We are going down a half or a whole every two weeks. For me the second week is the hardest. I would definitely suggest excercising. If you don't get into the habit now, the harder it will be during the withdrawal process.
I caught the "afraid" word in your post a lot. What exactly are you afraid of? hurting your back again? hurting others? or are you afraid to cope with life without the drugs. They become like a pacifier to some of us and it is like losing a best friend.
The best part about it, from what i have seen and heard is that you/we gain so much more than we set out to do. That is what keeps me going even in my darkest hours.
Thank you so much everyone for your kind and thoughtful replies. I know my usage does not seem like it would be a problem but when I quit cold turkey I am desperately seeking pills and waiting for my next perscription. I am obsessed. Yes, I am afraid, really of all the things you mentioned. My pain was so consuming that it changed me from being confident to very mortal on so many levels. The drug use has compiled all of that. Yes it is an emotional crutch. I will taper and start my workouts. I need to concentrate and focus on why this is comsuming me and while I have been to counciling I seem to always be on my best behavior and no one really thinks I have too much work to do. I am such a people pleaser it makes me sick. I again, really appreciate you listenting to me rant. I was feeling like no one cared after I didn't get any response. You are all great. I'm going to keep posting. I am in a really stressful place right now with some big decisions to make so I need you.
Taking x amount of pills at a consistant rate tells me, for the most part, that you are responsible, more or less, with your usage. It sounds like you are well grounded to break your addiction, whether you taper or go cold turkey.
If you CT, You will fill crappy; you mignt even feel like you're going to die. It only takes one or two weeks to come out ot the worst of it. You may have a couple pretty good weeks after that then PAWS must run it course: that is the slow process of the brain healing itself from years of opiates. It might take 6 months, to 1 year to come out of PAWS. The most crippling symptom of PAWS is deppression. In my case, It took about 8 months (maybe less if I hadn't relapsed.)
Talk to us here, there are some great people out there in cyberland to help and to just chat with.
Stay strong and God bless,
PS, I've been to ariziona and LOVED it (Not during the summer, though).
Last edited by mk7657; 01-19-2008 at 01:34 PM.
Reason: spelling still bad
Thank you so much for caring. That is so important. I have been baby sitting my adorable, chubby, grandson. He is such a sweetie but 2 days turned into 5 and slinging him around killed my back/shoulder/neck. So out went the taper. I am down to 5 7.5's with no more in sight so I will try and take a couple a day for the next couple of days and then see what happens. I have done this before. If I could control the abuse and use as directed and for the actual pain instead of the controlled buzz (most of the time) I would not be here complaining. I just read Blue Monday, one of the threads, poor guy, I know what if feels like to beat yourself up and how the pills make the pain go away. I do not have hidden abuse issues or anything like that but we all have problems. I own my business and money has been awful the last few years. I feel the need to help my family and that has put me in debt. Unlike my ex who lives off his new wife and does nothing to help our son and his new family. I have to let all of that go. Work harder and make plans and goals. We always had different opinions on how to live and love. After 20 years his was to bail and mine was to live with it even though we had grown apart. You really can't judge what makes people happy but I very loyal, again to a fault. AHHH. I am going to the gym this AM to walk on the treadmill. I even got my ipod ready with good songs to walk by. I'm freaked about making it without my crutch through the week. So much to do and so many issues with work and the many civic things I do. I thank all of you for your support and kindness. Keep me in your prayers.