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Old 01-17-2008, 12:56 PM   #1
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Dryseeker HB User
Man vs Oxycodone (The Battle for my Soul begins)

Finally, I have finally taken the 1st step to fight the chemical that has ruled my emotions, health and future for the last 3 years. It started innocently enough, a little pink 20mg pill that made me feel like I was the king of the world. Weekends only was my motto, when I heard of people who were addicts (My sister included) I thought it was just a lack of willpower "That could never happen to me".

Present day: When I wake up in the morning, before my eyes even open OC is on my mind. 150MG is my morning dose that gets me thru my work day followed by another 200-300+ mg in the afternoon/evening. I have long ceased getting any real euphoria or high, these are just maintenace dosages for me.

I usually mange to narrowly avoid withdrawals as I have "street'" sources in addition to the monthly script I obtain, however sometimes these sources fall thru which puts me in full blown withdrawal. Withdrawing from a 40mg daily habit of OC is no picnic, coming off of 450MG a day is a state of mental & physical hell that is simply beyond description. If your on the road towards the dosage Im on stop NOW-it gets so hard to gain control over. Im always going to start my taper "tomorrow"..............

Anyway a few hours ago I was counting my medication and realized I have 75 pills left with 14 days to go. As horror and panic begain to overwhelm me I realized how ridiculous this has became, how Im on the road to losing my wonderful wife and my lucrative highly rewarding career that I spent several years in school busting my tail to obtain, how I have abused my body, how many lies I have told.....................

I FINALLY took action, I lucked out and spoke with a suboxne Doctor who I am seeing next week. I know sub is also an opiod and I know in reality Im just trading one drug for another however it HAS to be better than the road Im on-it just has to be.

Im sorry for how long this post is, I just wanted to share it with people who can understand where Im coming from. Finally I have done something towards beating this, finally I have hope.

My thoughts and prayers go out to those of you struggling with addiction. I will take the rest of my OC in what I hope is a final act. The time to make a stand has at last arrived for me. Though nothing has changed it is nice to, however small it may be; have a trace of hope I may escape................

 
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Old 01-17-2008, 03:36 PM   #2
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Re: Man vs Oxycodone (The Battle for my Soul begins)

Hi Dryseeker

For what it is worth, I believe you have made the absolutley correct decision for yourself and the addiction that has you in its grasp so tightly. I have never used suboxone, but I did come off by taper from 60 mgs a day of oxycodone. It came with its own price to pay, but I tapered off oxycodone first, then Xanax so I had the benefit of the Xanax to help me. Then the Xanax taper.. well, it's over now anyway.

Dryseeker, I have got to tell you the truth here... at 450 mgs a day of Oxycodone, I thank the Lord you are still alive, Friend. I think initial work with a doctor who specializes in Sub treatment is a really good way to go. Even in a rehab, to cold turkey off that amount of daily intake I fear would kill you. I know you will have to be in a stage of withdrawal before you can start the sub. I will keep you in my prayers for that time that you may succesfully endure. I know that even 24 hours can seem like a lifetime. Take it by the minute, the fifteen minutes, whatever you can handle.

I agree with you whole-heartedly that making a switch over to Sub is a much better road than the one you are on. It is beyond my scope of knowledge or imagination to see any other route. Go into this path with a glad heart. It is not in any way a failure of any kind to switch to Sub in your circumstances. It is a total lifeline... take advantage of it.

I know the fears and feelings of being overwhelmed when we start our course off drug abuse, misuse. Face those fears standing tall, stare them eyeball to eyeball and tell yourself everyday, "I am getting better, I am going to live a real life again." And you will, Dryseeker. Take your time on the Sub. I believe that addiction takes many months to really understand in ourselves. We need to gain the knowledge of why we suffer in our own addicted world, find the source of it, deal with the sources and then continue growing by learning how to change our thinking that helped put us here. You still have your life stretching out here in front of you and I am so happy you have taken the leap to ensure it becomes a life of happiness and satisfaction. Keep posting as you go along, okay? There is a board full of friends to walk alongside of you.

In faith
reach

 
Old 01-17-2008, 03:43 PM   #3
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Re: Man vs Oxycodone (The Battle for my Soul begins)

hi dry

1st of all - you're making the righr decision mate - as the right day to taper never comes. im not familiar with the pills you're on but i know that its a pretty high dosage. and with opiates - its only a matter of time before things go 'the shape of the pear'. it sounds like you value your job - and the money that goes with it - this will obviously motivate you in your reduction - so keep it in mind when you hear that monkey on your back start to whisper. i'd also like to ask - does your wife know? - if not then you should maybe think about telling her - as your future may depend on it. i tried to keep my heroin habit from my wife, continually lieing to her - thats what kills a relationship - the lies - not the drug, its the deceit that comes with it. after all - if you trulyt want to get clean then in a few months time your gonna have to tell her something as you eventually come off the sub. just my opinion tho mate - but trust me - i've been through it - and it DOES help when your partner knows.
im not too familiar with subutex - i spent a couple of months on it, and it helped keep me away from smack (which cant be bad) its also supposedly easier to withdraw from than methadone - so i think it might suit you - if getting clean is what you want to do. the best advice though will always come from a doctor - so good luck with that appointment amigo. until then - hang in there, the life you want back is within reach. just keep on keepin on.

keep us all posted as to how you are getting on.

hey ron - have a search through these boards - you'll find a wealth of info from a great deal of people who have all been there - or if there is something specific you want to know then just post a new thread mate - we're all here to help support and give advice.

take care

yoss

"In sleep a king, but, waking, no such matter”

(damn it ! Reach has manged to post better advice while i was still typing!! - she's good, and fast - i'll give her that )
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Last edited by Yossarian22; 01-17-2008 at 03:45 PM. Reason: coz reach is too quick for me ;)

 
Old 01-17-2008, 04:32 PM   #4
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Re: Man vs Oxycodone (The Battle for my Soul begins)

Hello Reach

I first posted in this forum last December (2006) when I had a 150MG daily habit; you gave me sage advice then that I should have taken to heart. I guess until you get to the point of really wanting to quit, especially with something like OC you wont. I have FINALLY reached the point where I want my life back & hopefully can avoid losing the things I cherish the most. All things considered Im very fortunate to have retained my wife & career. Thanks for your advice Reach; I know even with the Sub this isnt going to be a walk in the park.

Thanks for your input Yossarion, OC is very similiar to herion; just in a pill form. My wife has known all along about my problem; she has tried to assist me the best she can however I know this has been overwhelming for her as she nor any of her family/friends have ever even dabbled with drugs/acohol. Thanks for your thoughts, I will be posting as I begin my journey, Im very afraid as I dont know what to expect from the Sub; I think it will help with the physical side of addiction however Im so mentally addicted to OC Im concerned about the cravings.

I know it is probably hard for some people to imagine doing 4-500 mgs of OC everyday, I never dreamed I would end up like this. It could happen to you; if your currently addicted to a lower dosage and find yourself with massive amounts on a monthly basis its so hard to control, particularly when you factor in the ever rising tolerance. Thanks Again Reach & Yoss-I will post as this process unfolds

Last edited by Dryseeker; 01-17-2008 at 04:38 PM.

 
Old 01-17-2008, 05:13 PM   #5
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Re: Man vs Oxycodone (The Battle for my Soul begins)

Hi Dryseeker

I remember your name well and we came aboard at the same time. I had already been tapering for a few weeks then, but was still pretty foggy so I did not remember all the details of your story.

Dryseeker, I had many things working for me when I began tapering. Like a supportive spouse. Other things were there for me also once I took advantage of them. I had a huge network of friends, family and doctors willing to help me, to be totally there for me. They had always been there for me, but it was my own pride, secretiveness, whatever, that kept the advantage of them out of my reach. Once I made the committment to stop, I spilled my guts to everyone. It gave me a sense of accountability to not only myself, but others. I also used my mouth freely.... called every doctor who treated me and asked that it be put in my chart that I was withdrawing from narcotics. My family doctor had asked me that if I ever had occasion to be in need of a med for emergency pain, that he been given a courtesy call. I asked that that info be put into the charts also. My sources all happened to be legal ones, but I had to cut them off as insurance in case my resolve wavered. All sources must be cut off, even if it means changing the phone number to an unlisted one. Small inconvenience to help insure success.

Is there a resource in place to help with the thinking? A 12 step program, social worker, therapist of any kind? It is key, it is vital that we invest time and effort into proactively participting in something that gives us the tools, teaches us the hows, of changing thinking, really changing it and stabalizing ourselves in a new place of balance. It is a step we can not skip. None of us. Our choices of help here may vary, but a choice must be made and strictly adhered to. I went with the clinical socail worker after a psychiatrist did not work out. I learned skills from her that will serve me the rest of my life. We, as addicts, lack some vital skills in coping with some things in life. learn them, put them into use, and our addictions will no longer be the first identification of ourselves any longer.

There is so much hope, Dryseeker. I am so glad you have not abandoned hope for yourself. Recovery, restoration, happiness... they are all waiting for you equally. Work hard to find these things. They belong to you.

Always
reach

 
Old 01-18-2008, 09:52 AM   #6
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Re: Man vs Oxycodone (The Battle for my Soul begins)

I completely feel for you. A lot of our addictions started out with just that once a week type motto.

The progression is scary right? I am in recovery from Oxycontin addiction and I'm actually coming up on my 1 year anniversary at the end of this month. You can do it.

I went to an in-patient rehab as my way out but it is definitely doable with an outpatient Suboxone program. My brother actually just started this type of program the week before Christmas and he is doing really great.

My advice to you wold be to get past the thoughts that you are just trading one addiction for another. You will be taking the correct steps to start your body on a slow taper and you will be doing so under medical supervision. There is nothing wrong with that.

Congratulations on finally reaching your bottom...it's only up from here on out.

 
Old 01-18-2008, 12:33 PM   #7
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Re: Man vs Oxycodone (The Battle for my Soul begins)

Quote:
Originally Posted by What Winners Do View Post
I completely feel for you. A lot of our addictions started out with just that once a week type motto.

The progression is scary right? I am in recovery from Oxycontin addiction and I'm actually coming up on my 1 year anniversary at the end of this month. You can do it.

I went to an in-patient rehab as my way out but it is definitely doable with an outpatient Suboxone program. My brother actually just started this type of program the week before Christmas and he is doing really great.

My advice to you wold be to get past the thoughts that you are just trading one addiction for another. You will be taking the correct steps to start your body on a slow taper and you will be doing so under medical supervision. There is nothing wrong with that.

Congratulations on finally reaching your bottom...it's only up from here on out.

Thanks for your response and nice job on your recovery. I have a question for you-do you still miss the pills? I know Im doing the right thing however Im so afraid of what life w/o OC will be like. It has become something I associate everything I do in life with; I work while Im on it, I even work out on it, all of my hobbys, etc. Im just terrified of how things are going to be. Knowing everybody is different in your case how long did it take you to start enjoying life after you detoxed?

I know I am going to pay dearly for what I have done and I so hope there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I hope the Suboxone is enough to let me function during the first few weeks which, even with the Sub, I anticipate to be very ugly at best. Thanks Again for your insight

 
Old 01-18-2008, 01:04 PM   #8
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Re: Man vs Oxycodone (The Battle for my Soul begins)

Welcome to recovery. The first step of recovery is the desire to stop. It is a desire we must personally have without reservation, else it will be of no avail. I am of the "A drug is a drug" concept and I was a serious alcoholic who loved to mix pills in when I could. I quit CT, and that was the way for me. It was a long time after drying out before I learned to be honest with myslef. That, I think, is the key to any tapering program - Self honesty. We have all said, "so I'll take an extra one today and one less tomorrow" at one point or another. It is that kind of thinking that needs to come to a complete halt.

It can be aided by external honesty - keep others informed of your recovery as much as practically possible. Make it a point, as you taper, to talk to your wife about your current dosage. It can help to be accountable to someone.

Good luck and God bless.
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Old 01-18-2008, 01:11 PM   #9
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Winnie31 HB User
Re: Man vs Oxycodone (The Battle for my Soul begins)

Dryseeker

Hi, I haven't posted here yet but I have read what you are going through. I to am going through the withdrawl process day nine. My drug of choice were hydro's.. I'm scared also of what life will be like without the pills. They were in my life for eight years and my life totally revolved around them. Now that they are gone I have all this free time...what am I going to do with it. I work full time, have kids, husband so you would think my schedule would be full, but 8:00 pm comes around and kids are in bed thats when I would really get high. Now that time comes and I try to fill it with other things like doing laundrey, dishes, bills, etc. These things are no fun at all but Reach told me in her posts that you need to adapt to a new routine and stick to it. Fill up your spare time with things and keep busy. That was my biggest problem once I was bored I wanted to take pills and so I relapsed everytime. This will be a life long struggle for me but I am more determined day by day to make it. The blur is starting to fade away and what I'm starting to see ........is amazing. Yes, I still have cravings and I do miss the high but when you compare a life of seeing clear to haze it's no comparison.

I know this road of recovery will be a long one. I have been told by many people there is a light at the end......but in withdrawl the light is hard to see but I am starting to see a glimpse. Hang in there with us... We can give you a good kick in the butt when you need it

Hugs
Winnie

 
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