I am at the end of my rope, I really need help and understanding.
A guy I have dated/lived with for 6 years, he's the father of our 6 month old son has been leading a double life.
For the last few months he has worked all day almost every single day. On his weekends off, he makes up somewhere he has to go, says he'll be back in an hour but comes in 6 or so hrs later.
A known drug dealer that lives down the road came by my house one day and he went out to talk to him. He said it was about his brother, I knew his brother was bad off and believed him. Yet the dealer started calling my house looking for my boyfriend. That was around the same time all this started going on......
2 weeks ago I found out he hasn't had a job since 2 weeks before Christmas. The last paycheck I cashed was for 23 hours, but he was "working" 80 hrs a wekk. He got up every morning and was gone 12-14 hours a day. He was borrowing money from my family and bringing it home like it was his "paycheck". Some of his family members started calling threatening to take warrants on him for stealing money, tvs, etc... from them. Others called to tell me things (like he actually had no job, he had been hanging out with his brother who is really bad on drugs, etc...) and according to him, everyone was lying.
He finally confessed to lying about not having a job but denies doing drugs. He says he was just being "stupid". Some days he seems like his old self and others he's not in the best of moods. I kicked him out for the sake of me and my boys (I have a 13 y/o as well).
I'm at a loss. I have had ppl tell me that they have seen him out w/ his brother at all hours of the day. Ppl that had no clue what was going on and has no reason to lie. They thought they were working together or something. I'm so messed up inside. He was my best friend, yet I didn't even know him. I hurt inside every time I look at our son.
I need advice from ppl that has been down this road before, does it sound like drug abuse to you?
From personal experience there is no question in my mind that it is an addiction problem. Drugs can change a person's personality, and their outlook on life. My best advice is to find some way to get him some help. First things first is talk to a local addictions centre. They should be able to help you with how you would proceed. Any family members who want to press charges against him or try to sue are just going to push him further into addiction. People use drugs to escape from their problems, and to cope. Legal, Finincal and relationship problems can all make the problem much worse. Be patient with him, but be firm as well. Give him a reason to stop. Worse case scenario, you can take him to your local public hospital (County Medical centres usally, but I would check first to see if there is a detox unit) I hope this helps
well the above poster is correct BUT your boyfriend is not admitting to anything..so taking him to a hospital would do nothing. your first step would be to get him to come clean with you..ask him if he would take a drug test, all the chain store drug stores sell them..if he refuses than you have your answer. GOOD LUCK!
Yes, agreed, all the signs point toward drug use / abuse.
If you kicked him out his drug use is probably spiraling, and the fact he is in denial about it means he's probably not ready to quit partying.
This could have been going on the whole time you have been together and he just kept it hidden until it got out of control, but the fact that he is lying about so many things and his behavior may suggest he has some mental issues as well.
If you want to try and save this, insist he goes to counseling with you and be drug tested...If he won't do those things go get some counseling on your own and decide what to do. Put it to him straight...It's either you and your family or the drugs & lies...his choice, but you're not going to be a part of it....and stand your ground. It hurts, but being with someone like that is hurting you too. I think you did the right thing by kicking him out, and maybe, just maybe , it will be a wake up call. I'd be worried about what else he's lying about as well, with all that time he has been off doing God knows what with only God knows who. Liars are like cheaters....they usually continue with their ways.
I hope things get better for you, with or without him!!
Thank you all so much for your advice and encouragement. I feel so lost and alone right now.
I have begged and pleaded for him to get help. I told him over and over that I'm not stupid and I know what has been going on. He still denies everything. Everyone else is lying and he of course, done no wrong except for lying about "working".
He comes by every single night between the hours of 12a-3am telling me how he has nowhere to stay *he has a ton of family in this town including a mother and father that are divorced and have room for him* and I should be "ashamed" of myself and our son would be disappointed if he could understand that I won't let him stay here. It's all on me, according to him, because I won't "give him a second chance", I'm trying to put him out of his son's life completely....and on and on. I wrote down a schedule of days and times he could come down and spend time with the baby. Every other day for a couple hrs a day. He can call on the days he's not here and check on him. I have explained to him that I could have him arrested for tresspassing and harrassment, and if I were trying to keep him from his son I would have done that on day one. He's threatend suicide and told me I'll have to explain why to our son. He's acting like a complete psychopath. I can't sleep at night for fear he'll show up. I have threatend to call the cops more than once, I have threatend to get a protection order, but it doesn't pahse him. Should I have him arrested? Should I get an order so he can't come around? I don't want it to come to that. I really want him to be a STABLE, loving parent and be a big part of our son's life (I have told him this until I'm blue in the face) but I have to protect my sons and myself from this insanity. What would you do?
BTW...I have an appt with a lawyer to sue for full custody. In Kentucky if the father's name is on the birth certificate *as his is* and there is no custody agreement in place, he can come in and get the baby any time and the police couldn't do a thing to him.
Last edited by kentuckygal33; 01-19-2008 at 09:46 AM.
I would go to your local police dept or sheriff and ask them what they think you should do. is it possible to have anyone stay with you - like a big brother? I would suggest you document everything and try to get him on camera (like your cell phone camcorder.)
You have the right and responsibility to keep yourself and your sons safe, so focus on doing that. But please get some physical support (having someone stay with/near you)...
Don't let him guilt you into seeing his kids like that. I would simply tell him that his kids seeing him in that state is more damaging than them not seeing him at all. If anyone threatens suicide in NY they can be taken into protective custody by the police department and taken to a hospital for evaluation for a minimum of 72 hours. It is His choice wether he gets to see his kids. Either he straightens up or doesn't see them at all. The drug abuse is not your fault, and you not letting him stay there is what you needed to do to protect your children and his sanity. Honestly having him arrested may make it more difficult for him to get help because he will become hopeless and just not care. I agree that you should see what the police say. You should also have a crisis services hotline in your area and they will have all the resources you need.
hey ky gal,what part of the bluegrass state are you in?thats where im layin my head right now.drugs are everywhere in ky arent they?good luck-spark
I'm in the Southeast part. Between Bell, Harlan, and Knox counties. There has been a huge drug growth in the last few years here. Everyone knows a handful of ppl that is on drugs. My ex boyfriend's Mom, Brother, Aunts, and cousins are all on one type or another. Most of them are on oxycontin. I have my own share of cousins and uncles on the stuff. One just overdoses a couple weeks ago and nearly died. She's in rehab for the 10th time again. I'm really hoping it helps.
Thanks everyone. He has appologized for acting stupid. He came down yesterday to see the baby and spent the day. He was straight and never had any mood swings. I still don't know what to make of him. I have zero desire to have him back, the thought of him touching me makes me want to puke. I do miss his companionship, I am having a hard time with that. I have a lot of family and friends but noone that could stay w/ me at night because they have their own famlies to take care of. I did tell him that I am done w/ the games and the next time he acts stupid I WILL call the cops and have him arrested. He still denies doing drugs, and unless it comes down to drugs landing him in jail I doubt he'll ever fess up.....even then I'm sure he'll say it's a mistake.
I have contacted nar-anon (family and friends of addicts) to start a chapter in my county. I am determined to not let this get me down. Has anyone attended these meetings before? If so, did they help?