well its got ahold of me. why do i feel like this? i've been depressed for days but today it's at it's worst yet. after the initial shock of detoxing(during the end) i shed many of tears dealing with times of the past. felt good for a couple of days and then, well i fell into a slump. i am questioning everything that at one point(when i was abusing opiates) i was so secure with. i have come to realize that i have always had insecurities and the opiates had made me feel good about lifes problems. i had a real *** up childhood. stilll haven't come to terms with this, i think. i mean i know what happened and i think i have accepted it. i don't know. the thing bothering me most is my relationship with my wife. love her to death but i seem to wonder a lot if it is the same way around. we have been together for 12 yrs and have had many good times, two kids, a house everything. yeah i know i guess i have some trust issues. these emotions came flooding back a couple of days ago and the meds in the past were a escape. why do i even feel like this. i know that she loves me and if she hasn't left me by now then theirs not much i could do to make this happen. lets face it i have put her through a lot. but thats just it why would she be with someone with as many problems as i have had. my wife is a very strong person in my eyes. she has never done anything to make me even feel like this. something from my past i guess. i just don't want my problems to be the end of a beautiful thing but i just don't feel like i am good enough for her. i don't know i am just messed up in the head. this is all life is has also been a huge thing for me too. sorry, i just needed to get this out. nhguy
"opiates had made me feel good about life's problems"
I think that is true with many people and why they used opiates...they melted all our problems away and made life easier to deal with....but only for a while, until we became really addicted. Then they caused us lots of turmoil in our lives.
You will have good days and bad days for quite a while. It helps if you can keep busy with something you enjoy doing, and it will help greatly if you can get yourself into an exercise routine. It doesn't have to be 2 hours at the gym every day (although that would be great), but you could start with whatever you can do....a walk around the block every day.
And when the thought of escaping life by using comes into mind, play the tape forward in your mind so you can remember where it took you before. Hang in there, and things will slowly get better.
Friend, there is a lot of aftermath to deal with after detox. We struggle through the agony of detoxing, finally get there only to find ourselves in some kind of nightmarish let down. It was a heck of a blow to me to discover that after working so hard to get off the drugs that instead of everything getting rosy in my life, I was suddenly in a non-stop series of quarrels with my husband and not feeling good about myself within myself. It became a time of tapering out of the depression, dealing with old painful issues, and, as well, a time of adjustments in my relationship with my husband. I have written before and the words remain true... I did more growing and learning in the year of detox and moving into recovery than I did in all my other years combined.
Tapering out of depression... no matter whether we cold turkied or tapered off drugs, there is no escaping that it is a long, slow taper out of depression. Each day, many times a day, we have to concentrate on our thoughts and emotions and seperate what is real from what is depression driven thinking. The very nature of depression pushes forward into our minds the thoughts of all the past and present hurts we have experienced. Depression's goal is to keep us dwelling in those thoughts. Our rational mind must fight back hard and overpower the depressive thoughts and steer us back to reality. It is like the guilt, the unworthiness you are experiencing right now in your marriage. She is standing beside you because sshe loves you. She stands beside you faithfully and yet, the depressive thoughts ask you, "Why?" She has obviously forgiven any huirts caused by you, is living up fully to the vows 'for better or worse,' and yet you can not seem to embrace that. The battle betweeen depressive and rational thoughts is raging inside the brain and soul and is behind what you are feeling. Recognize that battle, concentrate on the difference between what is depressive emotion and what is reality.
I had to learn to understand that the relationship between my husband and myself also was changing as I became drug free and started to step into a participating role in life again. Of course it affected him! I was just so still in the thinking pattern of survival, which is a selfish time because it needs to be, that I forgot to put him into the equation of my finding recovery and restoration. As I got better, I started stepping back into the realm of the household duties. I stepped in with pride and never stopped to realize that I was encroaching into what had become 'his' territory in the home when I forced it on him in my hiding through drugs from all of it. Want to hear something ridiculous? Most of our quarrels were in and about the kitchen? Often about cooking! Geeze. I would step in and say things like, " Add oregano," he would object to my butting into cooking he had handled for ten years now, I would get hurt and cry, he would get frustrated with me and get angry. I mean, of all the stupid things to get into issues about... I was left feeling stupid and worthless, he was left feeling angry and confused. In 36 years of marriage he had never been a control freak and I had never been a crybaby. What the heck was happening. Like you, I began questioning the whole marriage. Gratefully, I was steered towards the clinical social worker at that time. With her, I began to understand that Hubby and I were going through a transition time and our positions in the marriage were changing and we had to consciously work through the adjustments. Hubby and I began to talk, really talk, about what we feeling and thinking in our quarrelsome times. He worked on understanding my feelings of unworthiness as I tried to regain confidence and I worked on his feeling incringed upon and why my stepping in felt like baraging in to him. It took a while, but all is good once again. Not just good, but better really. We don't snap at each other anymore, but most often just speak frankly if we are upset by the other.
I was going to write to you also about coming to terms with those past hurts, but I will save my thoughts fopr another time. This post is already long!
For now, Inhguy, know that all these thoughts overcrowding your head are thoughts that I also went through. It is a crummy time, but a necessary time. A time of a lot of adjustments in our relationships as we make a lot of adjustments to our thinking. As we work this this part of the process, it does not lead to the let down feeling like finishing detox does.... it leads to a truly better-balanced, happy life. It is going to come, Buddy.
You are I are in the exact same shoes. We both are close to two weeks clean and now the full depression sets in. The depression has set in with me to but I am taking Wellbutrin to help me with that. Maybe you should speek with your doctor and he good give you a AD to help you through this. Many times before when I tried to stop the depression was the worst ....but this time with the help of the AD it's not that bad. Trying to face life's battles are harder without the cushion of the pills. This has been a difficult task for me also. When things start to get tough I can't hide beind the bottle of pills for cover I have to face the problem head on ......it's really hard. We are going to have our good days and our bad but hopefully more good. This is just another battle you need to go through .....it will be OK. Hang in there you will be just fine!!!
thanks reach and winnie. i have been taking st johns wort but i just don't think it is strong enough. i know that all these thoughts are irrational and i shouldn't be worrying about it but it is just there. maybe i should go to the doc. i tried an ad once but it made me feel funny sort of outof body i guess so i stopped taking it. that was with opiates and benzo in the mix too so who knows. at this point in time life just seems so boring so i haven't been doing much which only makes it worse. some of the things that i used to enjoy doing haven't found their way back to me yet, even after trying to force the issue. anyways i guess im going to have areas that i will struggle in and i need to remind myself that they are only depressive thoughts and not reality.
"all progress is precarious, and the solution of one problem brings us face to face with another problem" MLK
ps- today yoss went back to work lets all wish him luck!!! nhguy
I don't know if you know this but "Blue Monday" was yesterday and it is traditionally the day of the year that there are the most suicides. The third Monday in January. So snap out of it. Honestly, the weather, the daylight, post holidays, money issues, all play a role in the way we feel emotionally. So let's celebrate your being off the devil pills for 2 weeks. Also thank goodness it is Tuesday! Good luck and remember you got through the worst day of the year unscathed! Celebrate you.