I am having a real hard time with this opiate withdrawal depression. I am also getting a lot of pressure and judgements from my mom. I think I need to rethink some goals while withdrawing but am scared to death of disappointing people. All I know is I can't keep doing it this way.
Anyone here now?
I'm not too far along on my detox. I started in the beginning of November. I was on 62 of Fentanyl. I am now on norco, 6 1/2 a day. The withdrawals are horrid but the depression is like I can't breathe and feel like I am in a coma. I want to excercise. I haven't. My mom is breathing down my neck for being on this stuff and I need to take a medical withdrawal from school to get my health back and goals reevaluatd. I just can't bring myself to do something to get myself out of it. I feel like a big failure.
First off, please don't feel like a failure, because you're not. This is so typical of opiate withdrawl and we all wind up feeling like failures and depressed when we have our slips or during detox. It is your brains natural reaction to withdrawl, and why people will do most anything to get more opiates.
I think taking a semester off is a good idea. You need the time to focus on yourself. Although if it were possible for you to take just 1 or 2 classes, that might be good as well, just to get you out of the house a little and give you something to keep busy with. An outpatient program would be a great idea too.
You have also tapered fast, very fast, and fentanyl is a tough one. Are you doing this under a doctors care?
The exercise is really important, even though it's the last thing you want to do. Force yourself to take a walk... start with 1 mile a day, which is like 18 minutes at a medium pace. Go to the mall and walk if it's too cold outdoors.
Have you been able to maintain your taper? Is your Mom helping and being encouraging, or just pushing you to stop asap? It might help to have a doctor talk to her, and it would do you well to get some counceling.
The best way to taper is slowly, so that you don't feel terrible, so perhaps you need to slow your taper down. At least get stableized enough that you feel semi good before attempting to reduce your dose any furthur.
Have you tried to detox before and failed? If you have and have failed a few times, like most of us, perhaps it's time to consider counceling and / or suboxone. Sub is once a day dosing and you don't have those highs and lows every few hours, waiting to take pills, feeling good for an hour or two, and then being in withdrawl til your next dose. And there is no high or euphoria with it, so you can think more rationally and build strength mentally, and really see the big picture without being in an opiate fog, without being severely depressed or in agony of withdrawl....but to do it comfortably, it is a slow process...probably a years time...you would be able to go to school and function though.
I think the biggest mistake many of us have, especially those on high doses of powerful opiates, is that we want to just stop and get it over with at some point, and that usually leads to relapses, making us feel like like total failures. What i have finally learned is that we didn't mess our brains up over night and we aren't going to get back to normal overnight either, but slow and steady with weaning works best, if you can do it.
It is hard if not impossible for your mom to know what you are going through...If you haven't been there you really can't understand it. Your doctor may also be able to help you with some other things to help you sleep and function better too.
Hang in there...the fact you have tapered this far this fast shows a TON of strength and courage...You just need to slow down a little I think, and get some help in person. Message boards are great, but there is nothing like spilling your guts in person and having someone else to be accountable to. I was highly against anything like this in my early days of trying to recover and thought it was corny, but there really is something to it.
i hope you get feeling better soon...Try and get out for a walk today, every day, and build from there. The exercise will be even more important when you totally quit, and it will help greatly now, so it will be good to get a routine going.
Thanks Mano, I really needed to hear that. I am under doctor's care. He knew this would be a tough one for me. He actually put me back up to the 7 that I was just taking last week. One thing, I guess it's positive is that through all of this depression, the last thing I want to do is relapse. I just don't look at it as solving anything. If I did, I definately would. I've been down this road so many times before that it would take a bunch to help me. I don't want to mess with that one.
My mom, no she never understands major decisions like this. Every doctor who has tried to talk to her has come back telling me to stay away or not talk to her about this stuff. Even my neck surgeon said that she could not be in the recovery room until I woke up. She went to florida anyway.
School was a huge thing. Once I finally did it, called the office, I was able to set a date to be with my friend on Friday. I will watch her cutie pie who is 2 years old until she comes home. Then it's Pizza and movies. I feel like dancing.
I know this is only temporary. I will feel totally depressed in about an hour. I guess I needed to hear that you understand my taper. I have to accept that I am depressed right now. That is the hardest. I can't beat myself up over it, my mom does it enough. "It's my job" that is how she is. She is doing the best she can. I do love her, She fights for me now, just not when I truly needed it. When I was little.
I am in counseling, and seeing a shrink. The one thing that I know I MUST DO IS excercise. That is why i get so down on myself. I even think like ok, jumping jacks. NO I hate myself for not doing it. That is where i am at.
I did it!!!
I excercised for 25 min. I feel so proud of myself. I thought since I can't sleep, and the common denominator that has been throughout all of my "good healthy times" has been when I had an excercise routine. So what the heck, I turned on my ipod and just started moving. I even broke a sweat, danced and just kept going. My goal was 20 min. but my favorite song was on so I made it to 25min. I hope I can keep it up. I know it's early in morning but at least I got my blood flowing. Hopefully those natural endorphins will start to wake up. They have been gone for so long. Phew, please keep me on my toes, literally.
Last edited by Administrator; 01-29-2008 at 11:58 AM.
Good for you on the exercising....and 1st thing in the morning no less....that's great. And while you were exercising, did you forget about your aches and pains for just a few minutes? I usually do.
Yes, the depression is part of tapering, but it will go away. You sound strong...you have been down this road before and learned a great deal already, and that's what it usually takes.
Keep exercising, and keep posting...you have your whole life ahead of you and this is just a small stumbling block that once you get past, will improve your life forever. You CAN do it....and it sounds like you have a good doctor and a loving, well meaning Mom...Sometimes it's good to have someone right there ready to put their foot up our butt if we screw up.
Hang in there. The weird thing about this is one minute I am miserable and then if I just do something or get up and walk around, play with the dog, change the sheets, drag myself out of bed and do something, the time goes more quickly and I feel better. You are so strong and smart to be continuning on your path Capt. I can hear in you post how much you want to do this and how unwilling you are to go backward. That is a huge sign that success will be with you soon. After a while, if you belong to a gym you could get someone there to work out with you. Or find a buddy to walk with even if it's you doggie (or a friend's). It's pretty cold where you are right now so hang in there keep dancing to the music and know how proud I am of you. You are amazing.