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Old 01-22-2008, 10:14 AM   #1
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It's been FOREVER!

Since i've been on this forum.....and i think of you all often, but i've been feeling so crappy that i haven't been keeping up. I don't go on computer but once every couple days and i can barely just check my email.
Pregnancy is sooooo hard for me. I've had the roughest time! Been sooo sick with ALL DAY SICKNESS and i'm down 12lbs @ 3 1/2 months prego. I'm thankful for that part, but being sick non-stop isn't fun. I think that alot of it has to do with my previous ulcer and stomach issues. Because i SHOULD be feeling better, not worse. I ended up in ER the other night because of dehydration!
Oh, enough about that for now.....i could complain for days, but i wanted to see how everyone else is doing!!!! Write me soon!
I'm still at 3mg of the sub....been too sick to attempt going down. The only good thing is that i'm taking Subutex instead of subaxone, and i believe MICHELLE said that the subutex is better? I really have missed you all and want to see how your doing.
One thing i'm very proud of myself for is that i QUIT smoking! It's been 8 days and frankly i can't believe it! I crave them a few times a day, and i miss them terribly. But i'm damn proud of myself for quitting. That's just one less harmful thing for me and baby!
Well i'm off to eat an ice pop, gotta keep hydrated! Miss yall and hope to hear from you soon. I promise i'll make more of an effort to stick around this time.

 
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Old 01-22-2008, 01:15 PM   #2
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Re: It's been FOREVER!

Maggaroooooooooni !!!!!!!!

Yay !!! SO good to hear from you. Ive been wondering how you're doing. Congratulations on quitting smoking !!! That is the most wonderful news. I cant imagine how hard its been for you but you are just amazing - and i KNOW that you work hard to just keep from going over the edge some days. And thats work, girl !!! Im sorry you're having such a rough pregnancy - but on the flip side - IM SO GLAD THAT YOU'RE HAVING A PREGNANCY !!!!

so how did you get on the subutex? are you seeing a doctor or did mom or dad switch over? im really glad you did, though, because everything i've read about sub and pregnancy points to using the -tex instead of the -one.

When is your due date? Did you find out if you're having a boy or a girl? i bet hubby is soo sooo excited too ! im sorry for all the questions, but it has been a while and i always wonder how you are... its been awhile since we've started talking. you're my nearest dearest old bud on here and you hold a special place in my heart.

well, i hope to hear from you soon. take care and again, CONGRATS on the no smoking !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love Ya J !!! Michelle

 
Old 01-28-2008, 02:20 PM   #3
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Re: It's been FOREVER!

Maggs - what happened to you? Check in girl !!!

 
Old 02-02-2008, 03:28 PM   #4
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Re: It's been FOREVER!

Quote:
Originally Posted by oh-notagain View Post
: Congratulations on quitting smoking !!! That is the most wonderful news. I cant imagine how hard its been for you but you are just amazing - and i KNOW that you work hard to just keep from going over the edge some days.
so how did you get on the subutex? are you seeing a doctor or did mom or dad switch over? im really glad you did, though, because everything i've read about sub and pregnancy points to using the -tex instead of the -one.

When is your due date? Did you find out if you're having a boy or a girl? i bet hubby is soo sooo excited too ! im sorry for all the questions, but it has been a while and i always wonder how you are... its been awhile since we've started talking. you're my nearest dearest old bud on here and you hold a special place in my heart.
Hey Shelley-Girl!~
I'm sooooo sorry that i've went and done the same thing as always- wrote you saying i'll check in more often and then didn't!
It's mainly because of being so sick. I'm finally starting to have SOME days where i'm not feeling too bad. Thankfully the doctor gave me phenegran which helps big time!!!! But i'm trying not to take it all the time, especially because he only gave me 6 of them with ONE refill!!!!!! Pain in my arse!
Another pain in my arse is that for some reason, since i've entered into my
2nd trimester.....my headaches have returned and are back to daily suffering!!!
I swear that in my 1st tri., i NEVER got those daily nagging headaches, and got a migraine maybe once every 2 weeks. I was so thrilled thinking that the hormonal change was the difference....well it may have been, but something must have "changed" again and now i'm back to my old painful self. I'm praying that it will go away though and then when i'm done with being prego, i can see a neurologist and explain to them that it's hormonal! It atleast gives me hope!!!!! Other than feeling like dukey, i'm a little depressed because we're financially in the hole! I've been too sick to look for a job and even when/if i do, i'm skeptical of WHO will hire a pregnant girl who is only able to work for the next 5-6 months and then needs off for however long.
It's been sooo stressful and i'm trying not to let this get to me because i know it's bad for baby. I'm going to apply for this assistance program where they pay for ALL formula and diapers and baby food! I'm hoping i qualify.
My hubby makes pretty decent $, but with rent, insurance, food, doctor stuff, etc....we end up with nothing leftover. Pray for me that we quialify, because it would take a huge amount of stress off me to know i can depend on that. I really didn't want to be prego right now until we got ourselves financially situated,,,,,but really....when are we EVER going to be financially stable???
As far as the subutex goes, i get it from my Mom. She was nice enough to have her doctor switch her over. She just wants me to get off the crap.
And i'm fretting it BIG TIME! Each day that passes i say "tomorrow i'll knock it down a bit". Then tomorrow comes and i feel SOOOOO crappy that i think i can't possibly do it. And it spirals into weeks and months.
I SO want to be free of this stuff.....and my doctor really hasn't brought it up since i first mentioned it. He probably thinks i'm off it already!!!!!
I ended up in ER one night with being so sick, and i didn't even tell the nurse i was on it! I just couldn't fathom going into detail of why i take it and where i get it! Thankfully i wasn't given anything that mixed badly with it!
I tell ya, i'm soooo looking forward to the day when i can take an ADVIL! The doctor just lets you suffer while saying "sorry, i can't give you anything"!
I've called him after hours already like 3 times now....finally this last time (when i had a migraine so bad i wanted to die) he gave me an RX for Fiorcet.
It seems to help and its much better than NOTHING! I have had some serious painful days and had to just suffer thru them! It's been hell.
this VERY WELL BE MY 1ST AND LAST BAMBINO!!!!!
By the way, i find out what i'm having in about 3wks. My next apt. is 2/7 and on that apt. we set up the ultrasound! I can't tell you how excited i am for it! The last ultrasound i had was at 9 weeks and as you know the baby looks like teddy graham at that stage. I'm just going to be in awe at seeing a real baby inside me. A big part of me still doesn't believe this is actually happening to me. Part of me still worries every day that the baby isn't alive anymore......it's like i feel like i'm not worthy and i deserve to be punished because of still being on subutex. I know it is a negative thought process and it's not from God that's for sure. I need to BELIEVE that i AM worth it!
I didn't ask to be an addict and i'm doing the best i can JUST FOR TODAY right?
Thanks for the sweet words and i love that i mean so much to you! Your a great friend too and i ALWAYS look forward to hearing from you. You've helped me so much along the way and never judged me and always supported my decisions! I love ya!!!
Well,,,,,,off to EAT since today is my day where i'm not too nauseaus! Pretty soon i'll be "ROLLER PIG" from eating all the treats i've been craving!
yum-yuum!
Write back and update me on your life and what's new!!!! Also, i'm on 4mg of Subutex now.......i WAS on 2mg....but went up a bit! Arghhhhh! So frustrating!
Talk soon! I PROMISE!!!

 
Old 02-04-2008, 10:48 AM   #5
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Re: It's been FOREVER!

Hello MICHELLEY????
Where you at???
I'm checking in on you to see how your doing. And G8TRGRL???How is she?
I was in ER yesterday again.....spotting. Was FREAKED out and hysterical.
After 5 hours in Labor section of hospital i found out i was o.k. I had had a leep cone procedure for pre-cancerous cells a few years ago and that area of my cervix was weak and must have gotten irritated and bled. Thank you JESUS everything was ok! I got to see the peanut on Ultrasound and for the first time he/she looked like a baby and not a blob! He/She was sucking her thumb!!!! SOOOOOOOO freakin' cute!
How many mgs. of Sub. are you on now? I'm feeling such pressure to get off it asap especially since my doctor probably thinks i'm off it already!!!!
I'm so nervous to see him this Thursday incase he asks! I didn't want to get into detail of how hard it is to come off with him at the time i told him i was taking it.....because i didn't want him looking at me weird. So he thinks it's not a big deal and now i'm left with tremendous guilt and worry over getting off it! I just don't want to end up lying to him and then when delivering have to confess and my baby end up going through w/d's!!!! I'll feel horrible!
But how in the HECK am i going to get off this when i couldn't even do it in detox!?
Write back soon.......i need some advice. Miss you all!!!

 
Old 02-04-2008, 02:02 PM   #6
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Re: It's been FOREVER!

Hey MAGS!!! We've all been asking and worrying about you! It's really good to hear from you.. Try not to let the anxiety and guilt get at you so much.. trust me, I know that's easier said than done, but you just have so much to deal with right now! So try to make all that take a back seat. YOU ARE DOING THE BEST YOU CAN.. and quitting smoking is a huge thing!! You should be so proud of yourself. Just take care of yourself and that baby the best you can.. that's all anyone can ask for. If the Dr brings it up, you need to be as honest as possible. That way they can help you.. they won't judge.. hopefully.

As for me, I'm down to 2mgs a day! I'm pretty proud of that, but a factor is I'm running out of medicine. And I refuse to pay the Dr another 200 beans to see him for a script. So I will walk down to 1 here very soon, and when I'm done, I'm done. I am very nervous about what it will be like, but I will do what I have to do.. maybe live on this board for a week. lol Hopefully it won't be that bad.

I'm so happy to hear from you! Try to post in every now and again, especially once you find out what you're having..

Take care!!
g8trgrl
Brandi

 
Old 02-04-2008, 09:15 PM   #7
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Re: It's been FOREVER!

Maggs,

g8r is right. you need to be as honest as you can with you doctor. at this point, he needs to know all he can about suboxone so that he can help you, and not judge you. my doctor did not judge me, at least to my face. LOL
when i was in the hospital, i was "looked down on" and judged by the nurses mostly, but you will be soooo frikken happy and that baby will be the center of your universe, so if it happens to you you'll do the same thing i did and say "f it", ya know?
EVERYTHING I HAVE READ ABOUT SUB AND PREGNANCY SAID THE BABY WILL NOT GO THROUGH W/D. so please dont worry. im not telling you not to try to get down to the lowest possible mg, but please dont beat yourself up about this, i know how it is. its one of the hardest things ive ever had to do. coming off this crud is a real *it*h. Im still doing 3 or 4 a day. ive been under a lot of stress and im using that as an excuse and its gotta STOP. but those are my demons to face. and im trying best i can.

i am so happy to hear from you, and hear that the baby is doing good. sucking it's thumb? that is soooooooo cute! im always thinking about you and praying for you... you're gonna be ok , you really are. God is watching over you and smiling at you. Have faith. Take one day at a time, dont chew off more than you need to.

Hope to talk soon....
Hugs, Michelle, make that auntie Michelle

 
Old 02-05-2008, 01:18 PM   #8
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Re: It's been FOREVER!

Hi Maggs

its wireman i have not been around lately i am glad to hear all is well. i can offer you what i did when i came off suboxone i went from two pills a day to one. after a few days i cut one in half and took half . Once i got busy at work and with day to day i forgot all about it. I have been clean now since September. I was a lifelong chemically dependent person and for the first time in my life i am clean. I read alot about addiction and in some ways i think i have moved on. Once you have the baby your life will be filled with Joy and you will be so busy changing diapers and feeding the little one you too will move on. I hope everyone is doing well and i do still read a lot here i just have not posted i will always be here for everyone as you all were here for me. All the best

wireman

 
Old 02-05-2008, 01:48 PM   #9
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Re: It's been FOREVER!

Awwww thanks guys for the posts.
I NEED your support and advice and I appreciate it SO much! That you take the time to actually CARE about my situation is worth more than words can describe. Especially because me using sub. is pretty much a secret except for my hubby and Mom knowing. So I feel like i walk around with this secret feeling so guilty all the time.
When i began spotting on sunday i got filled with this feeling of "well, you get what you deserve if you lose this baby....you are still using". I know that is the most horrible way to talk to myself, but that is the devil and the devil KNOWS how to get to me. I'm trying not to beat myself up about this, and to be frank, i'm blown away that i'm still pregnant and i SAW my peanut alive and moving on that ultrasound screen! It brings tears to my eyes and i feel awful when i think of he/she digesting meds......yet i feel so horrendous that at this point i can't see putting myself through a detox. And i have also read that w/d's are basically worse for the baby and mother then continuing to take. Although i DON'T plan on being on it when i deliver,,,,,i just need to do this and do it slowly. But as i'm sure yall know, us addicts are an "all or nothing" group. So slow means me feeling frustrated and saying "screw it" and not going down.
Brandi, your giving me strength knowing that your facing this head on! You can do it! Just do it as slow as you possibly can! That's the ONLY way i've heard people make it through this. And i believe that is because if you go CT , the withdrawl is much longer than say Lorcets. Because of the longgggg 1/2 life. And i was up to DAY 5 and slipped......that's how bad it was because of me coming off CT from 3mg. So please take it slow and keep moving forward...don't go back like i did!
Wireman - thanks for checking in on me! Your right, once that baby is here and i can FINALLY believe that this is happening to me, i'll be so damn happy and wrapped up in caring for he/she that hopefully using will be a thing of the past. I'm praying for a new life, one that i can feel natural energy and natural euphoria from. I'm so proud of you for being sober and loving it! It does feel good....that's one thing that is so easy to forget!
MICHELLEY- Or "aunt michelley".....
Honey don't beat YOURSELF up either o.k.! Your still doing better than you believe by being only on 3-4mg! It is SOOOOO easy to jump up in mgs., especially when we have it at our dispense. That's what screwed me up!
I was feeling so awful with morning sickness and now migraines, that i began popping a few more mgs. a day! Just set myself back!
I ended up with a severe migraine yesterday afternoon and was SOOOO sick for about 10hrs. I threw up literally every 20 min., couldn't keep down any meds. to help w/pain. So every time i vomited, my head got worse which made me sicker to my stomach. It was insane pain! I tell ya, this baby has been suffered for that's for sure! My hubby has been so wonderful lately!
I swear since i've been prego he has had this twinkle in his eye for me and been so good to me. He patted my back every trip to the toilet and wiped my body down with a wet washcloth every 15 min....then he woke up a few times in middle of night to come check on me (i sleep in other room lately because of being so sick). Poor guy......now i'm on "pelvic rest" and you know that means NO "nookie". heehee
well, i'm off to eat something....haven't gotten sick yet today and trying to keep my stomach coated! Hey, how have YOUR headaches been? Mine were gone the 1st trimester, now they're back worse then ever!!!!!!!
wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Talk to you all soon.........love, J

 
Old 02-06-2008, 01:25 PM   #10
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Re: It's been FOREVER!

Hey Mags.. I've been having so much anxiety because I don't know if I can taper with what I have left.. it's only like 5 crumbs of 2 mgs.. I don't think that's enough. I need enough to where I can stabilize on 2, then jump to 1.5. then 1.. you get it. But I just hate to pay this Dr another 200 dollars just for a prescription of 30 or so.. I don't know what to do. I left angry from that place because they are just money hungry and after they get what they can from you it's like they don't care anymore. I didn't like the way I was being treated.. It's something they said they wouldn't do and they did. And not only that, they make you PAY to go to a meeting!!!!! I've never heard such in my life. 20 bucks for an hour group. I'm just in a bind and I don't know what to do...

talk soon
Brandi

 
Old 02-08-2008, 03:40 AM   #11
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Re: It's been FOREVER!

J-


Ok, let me get this straight - you have headaches, you puke, you are tired all the time and now you cant have any NOOKIE? oh my - you DO have it bad girl... LOL (its ok, im NOT pregnant, i am not getting many headaches anymore, i can keep food down and im NOT GETTING ANY EITHER) so i know how you feel

But really, you are doing the best you can. For myself and for you - we need to take it one day at a time. And do the best we can do for that day, and that day only. I am trying so hard to trust in God and what i feel in my heart that He wants for me, no matter what the circumstance or situation. I have been having a hard time at work (lost clients b/c of finances/moves) so i am trying to find a way to market myself better. My son is really been giving me a rough time with the behavior difficulties lately. My mom is (im sorry for saying this) a royal pain in the butt as far as support is understanding is concerned. But each day i try to do what is on my plate for the day, and leave tomorrow for tomorrow. When the day gets rough, i find myself running for another mg though. And therein lies my problem with the sub. i am treating it like any other drug i have taken in my life. So lately, i have been taking a minute and trying to assess whether or not i REALLY need to take it or if i am just stressed, etc. It gets to the point where i sometimes just hang out at home instead of getting an errand done b/c i feel like if i "take it easy" then i will get through the "rough". i dont know, maybe today i will do it differently, maybe today i will have a "moment of clarity" that will change me, and the way ive been doing things. thats what got me sober the first time. But God WILL provide, and if i can stay honest, treat others as i would treat myself, and do what i know is right in my heart, then things WILL get better. ( ITS WHAT I PRAY FOR EVERY MORNING, THE ABILITY TO DO THOSE THINGS).
so today, i pray those things for you too. because life cant possibly be that bad if we have those things in place, right?

many hugs girl. im right here with you.....

auntie michelle

 
Old 02-09-2008, 02:29 PM   #12
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Re: It's been FOREVER!

Quote:
Originally Posted by g8trgrl15 View Post
Hey Mags.. I've been having so much anxiety because I don't know if I can taper with what I have left.. it's only like 5 crumbs of 2 mgs.. I don't think that's enough. I need enough to where I can stabilize on 2, then jump to 1.5. then 1.. you get it. But I just hate to pay this Dr another 200 dollars just for a prescription of 30 or so.. I don't know what to do. I left angry from that place because they are just money hungry and after they get what they can from you it's like they don't care anymore. I didn't like the way I was being treated.. It's something they said they wouldn't do and they did. And not only that, they make you PAY to go to a meeting!!!!! I've never heard such in my life. 20 bucks for an hour group. I'm just in a bind and I don't know what to do...
Oh Brandi, I'm so sorry that your in such a pinch. I myself would say that your best bet right now would be to pay the money and come off this slowly. I know how bad it sucks and how money hungry these people can be, but this is for YOUR best, not them. And you need to do this slowly so that you don't end up back in same position. Trust me, coming off it too fast will make you feel like your losing your mind and make you take ANYTHING to feel better. It's not worth it.
Where do you have to PAY to go to a meeting? What kind of facility makes you pay $20 for meeting??? I've never heard of such......i mean yeah, most AA mtgs. collect $1 per mtg. to keep open, which is understandable....but i've never heard of $20.
So what i'm saying at this point is to pay the $200 (if you can) and plan this out slowly. I'm so blown away at the fact that I was 5 days clean and STILL couldn't do it , knowing how far i'd come. But that's how badly it screwed with me mentally. Not sleeping was bad enough.....but feeling like i couldn't make it ONE MORE SECOND in my own skin is what caused me to relapse. So please try not to fret over it any longer and get the refill by seeing this doctor so you can plan this out for your benefit. Hope your having a good day and that you have already done this hopefully. I couldn't log on for a few days (i'm at my Moms dog sitting and couldn't get logged on) so i'm sorry i didn't respond sooner. Love ya!

 
Old 02-09-2008, 02:36 PM   #13
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Re: It's been FOREVER!

[QUOTE=oh-notagain;3432096]J-
I am trying so hard to trust in God and what i feel in my heart that He wants for me, no matter what the circumstance or situation. I have been having a hard time at work (lost clients b/c of finances/moves) so i am trying to find a way to market myself better. My son is really been giving me a rough time with the behavior difficulties lately. My mom is (im sorry for saying this) a royal pain in the butt as far as support is understanding is concerned. But each day i try to do what is on my plate for the day, and leave tomorrow for tomorrow. When the day gets rough, i find myself running for another mg though. And therein lies my problem with the sub.
so today, i pray those things for you too. because life cant possibly be that bad if we have those things in place, right?
/QUOTE]
Hey Auntie Michelle!
Well it sounds to me like you've got the right idea in how to deal with life. I need to let go more and stop trying to control the situation. Because in reality, i have NO control. I'm just SOOOOOOOOO freakin' fed up with feeling miserable! At times, when i'm in so much pain from a migraine, i literally pray for God to take me. That is how badly i'm suffering. It's DAILY vomiting and 3-4 times weekly migraines. Its like " can't you give me a break God?"
I'm FINALLY holdling onto this baby and can FINALLY feel hope for having a child, and i'm filled with constant sickness and misery. I hate to complain, but that's truthfully how i feel. Like i just need a BREAK from this!
And i can't even IMAGINE dropping mgs. of subutex when i'm feeling this badly! Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I probably shouldn't even be writing in this state of mind.......i'm no good for anyone!
But YOU missy.....you sound good. And your doing exactly what is best....which is leaving everything in Gods hands and letting Him steer your life.
I'm off quickly to get sick again..........talk to you soon. with love and hugs,
J

 
Old 02-10-2008, 11:05 AM   #14
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Re: It's been FOREVER!

Hey Girls,
I felt badly about my whiney post yesterday and wanted to write something a little more uplifting today. It's easy to get really down when i'm feeling that physically ill, and i shouldn't try and give advice when i'm down there
I'm having a much better day today. Trying to keep the nausea at bay and i'm actually having the best day i've had in FOREVER. I'm staying at my Moms (watching her 2 dogs plus mine) and today i got up and cleaned a little and then went out by pool. I skimmed the top of pool for a good 20 minutes which made me feel so much better than laying around. Plus, i got a little sun, which is soooooo needed right now. I'm SHEET WHITE from being in bed so much lately and i needed some Vitamin D and color. I'm hoping to have a nice tan belly for delivery! heeheee
I've been a bad girl past few days and i could kick myself for it. Since i get the sub. from my Mom and she was going out of town, she left me MORE THEN ENOUGH sub. to last.......probably so i wouldn't nag her for more right when she got back. Now i've gone and taken more then needed the past few days. I feel horrible about it. But i'm so damn tired of feeling guilty and beating myself up.....I'm just gonna let it go and get back down to 3mg or less and do this once and for all!!!!! I'm so sick of being dependent on crap!
My WHOLE LIFE REVOLVES AROUND THIS ******!
I'm just praying that God can deliver me from this demon and i can move on with my life and LIVE life, not exist!
I pray the same for you guys!!! Hope all is well and your having a happy Sunday! Write soon! love & hugs J

 
Old 02-10-2008, 11:30 AM   #15
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spark-o-cet HB User
Re: It's been FOREVER!

maggie your going backwards way more than forwards,it has to stop or you are gonna be back in full blown addiction,you are already showing addictive behavior again and all this is gonna backfire on you if you dont do something pretty quick.hiding what you take from the dr is a big big nono.its not only you that you are hurting now,instead of whining about it why dont you do something about it.youve got to be straight with your dr so he knows what is going on.if nothing changes in the next month or so you will be taking way more sub than you are now.its time to stop feeling sorry for yourself and thinking about yourself,its not just you now.you know what needs to be done now go do it before this gets more out of control.sometimes we need a shock to the system to wake us up.its clear the sub has no more theraputic value for you anymore and it is working against you,hey this happens but the longer this continues the more damage done.good luck-spark

 
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