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Old 01-27-2008, 06:25 AM   #1
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im a spouce of an addict in rehab, plz help

My wife has been in rehab for a month. next sunday im flying down to see her. I know she has alot of issues at this point, now that shes been clean for a month. I am madly in love with her and would do anything for her. Shes afraid that we wont "mesh" anymore. there has never been any cheating or abuse, but we have kind of lost touch over the past couple years. she said she still loves me but shes not sure about us. Im assuming this is normal in this stage of her recovery, but she said she'll see what happens when we see each other next week. I need to know what can I do to show her the passion is still there, the spark and the eternal love that i have never lost for her is still going strong, just waiting for her. What can i do or say to prove this. she needs this affirmation. i really think it will help her progress if she can see this. Im terrified. im at the point that im not eating or sleeping because im so scared, its affecting my work and my mental outlook. i want her to be well and i want to carry on down the road of life with her forever. we've been together 15 years and i want it to be 100 more. can someone please give me advice or help me. thank you

 
Old 01-27-2008, 08:19 AM   #2
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Re: im a spouce of an addict in rehab, plz help

Quote:
Originally Posted by xxmike73xx View Post
My wife has been in rehab for a month. next sunday im flying down to see her. I know she has alot of issues at this point, now that shes been clean for a month. I am madly in love with her and would do anything for her. Shes afraid that we wont "mesh" anymore. there has never been any cheating or abuse, but we have kind of lost touch over the past couple years. she said she still loves me but shes not sure about us. Im assuming this is normal in this stage of her recovery, but she said she'll see what happens when we see each other next week. I need to know what can I do to show her the passion is still there, the spark and the eternal love that i have never lost for her is still going strong, just waiting for her. What can i do or say to prove this. she needs this affirmation. i really think it will help her progress if she can see this. Im terrified. im at the point that im not eating or sleeping because im so scared, its affecting my work and my mental outlook. i want her to be well and i want to carry on down the road of life with her forever. we've been together 15 years and i want it to be 100 more. can someone please give me advice or help me. thank you
Hello Mike,

First of all, let me say congratulations with respect to her month of drug/alcohol free living.

There are factors to consider, now that she is in rehab.

In rehab, people are taught different ways of coping with day-to-day living; substance free.

I don't know your history with polysubstance abuse(if there is any at all) but if there was a history, she may find it a tad difficult to live in that type of environment.

I also don't know if she was mandated or if this was voluntary.

Another unknown is the duration of use.

As the "cobwebs" clear, some things become more apparent; if she is serious about her stay in rehab, she will need to change certain habits...........

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

The best thing that you can do is to show support for her and encourage her progress.

Take the time out to listen to her hopes, fears and needs.

Listen to her rationale for whatever points she brings up;however difficult it may be.

Above all else, be respectful.

Wishing you the best.

Phoenix

 
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Old 01-27-2008, 08:23 AM   #3
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Re: im a spouce of an addict in rehab, plz help

Be her friend, if nothing else--and I know how very hard that is. The main thing you need to do is not push her in any way. It will only drive her further away and may cause her to relapse. Tell her how you feel then leave it at that. Once she knows, it's her shot to call. Her hesitation may be normal or it may be that something relationship wise has been lacking for a long time on her part. Talk to her about that when she's ready to talk.

Drugs change people. Even once they stop using drugs, a lot of changes in personality or behavior never go back to the way they once were.

Good luck. I wish your wife a lifetime of soberity and you a lifetime of love.

 
Old 01-27-2008, 08:32 AM   #4
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Re: im a spouce of an addict in rehab, plz help

now i've never had any addictions to any substances and she voulenteered to go to the center. she has a very unhealty relationship with her mom, who is addicted to vicodin as well, just much worse. they live less than a mile from us. she did say she now sees how destructive of a relationship that was and she now needs to distance herself from her. im the only one she calls from there. i know we've emotionally grow apart since the addiction and with her relationship with her mom, i regressed even farther. her mom and i get along like oil and water with no hope. i told her if she feels we need to move away, ill do it, ill do whatever i need to do to support her. ive just been oblivious to her addiction for so long out of ignorance and fear. i just hope my jumping on board here with both feet late isnt too late. i want to learn all i can to help her and for her to feel my deepfelt passion for her and my excitment for her sobriety. she is queen and best friend. i love her dearly. i just hope she feels it when i see her next sunday.

 
Old 01-27-2008, 09:52 AM   #5
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Re: im a spouce of an addict in rehab, plz help

Interesting, xxmike;
I hope this does not come across wrongly, as I wish you to not experience what I have. The roles reversed in my case. I am sorry to mention this, but as I read your post, they were the words of love only they did not convey love. I heard concern, worry, confusion, and fear....all yours.
Damn, I hope I do not add something that is not there, but I hear smothering. Give her time to breathe and do/act on nothing immediately unless it comes from her supporting cast, but be there for her. Each of her concerns, you did what I do, I blast back 'a simple, obvious, fix-it'.[like now]..now, next concern?

I am not good at this, but if I saw this 12 years ago, It would be word for word what went on between my wife and myself, only I was the triumphant drunk returning victoriously home.

Please reread your post and see if its your own fears of loss and change that has you upset and near hysteria. Grab hold of your own feelings, go outside and take longer than normal steps and take in huge breaths of air. That clears my mind. The long steps are to let your gonads drop back into place. When we men get scared, we tend to suck them up and act like jerks. You work on you, let your wife work on hers, and let each other be well informed of the thoughts and fears, and planning YOUR FUTURES TOGETHER.

Mike, go talk to a counselor yourself before she arrives. But do not forget your manhood, there is huge difference between manly men and smothering men.

I'll add another pair of bulbs to my memory grove of spring flowers, and shed a tear for my loss on it then go to old folks home one xtra night to be with someone in need of an ear and gift the deed to you and your wife.

Nuke Utah if I;m of base here so I won't be tempted to butt in where I shouldn't, with my over abundant butt!

Be Great, Be Silent, and keep your belt tight enough to do the job, not a notch too tight o loose.
the Moz

Last edited by Mose; 01-27-2008 at 10:02 AM. Reason: grammatic/spelling, my computer is the worst at it.[:>

 
Old 01-27-2008, 09:49 PM   #6
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Re: im a spouce of an addict in rehab, plz help

Quote:
Originally Posted by xxmike73xx View Post
now i've never had any addictions to any substances and she voulenteered to go to the center. she has a very unhealty relationship with her mom, who is addicted to vicodin as well, just much worse. they live less than a mile from us. she did say she now sees how destructive of a relationship that was and she now needs to distance herself from her. im the only one she calls from there. i know we've emotionally grow apart since the addiction and with her relationship with her mom, i regressed even farther. her mom and i get along like oil and water with no hope. i told her if she feels we need to move away, ill do it, ill do whatever i need to do to support her. ive just been oblivious to her addiction for so long out of ignorance and fear. i just hope my jumping on board here with both feet late isnt too late. i want to learn all i can to help her and for her to feel my deepfelt passion for her and my excitment for her sobriety. she is queen and best friend. i love her dearly. i just hope she feels it when i see her next sunday.
Mike,

Just remember; Rome wasn't built in a day, month or year; just parts of it.

Take care.

Phoenix

 
Old 01-28-2008, 03:20 AM   #7
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Re: im a spouce of an addict in rehab, plz help

Hi Mike

Nice to see you posting here. Welcome.

Mike, it took me a year to taper off opiates and Xanax. For many years before that, I became less and less of a working partner in my marriage. My husband, like you, loved me much and stood by me throughout it all.

As my spouse, he did many things that helped me. Although he did not always understand as much why I was going through some symptoms or what they were like, he always did his best to help me through them. he gave me a lot of space to really heal and sometimes what I needed was space. Space to be alone in my thoughts, space to fight the symptoms of withdrawal which can last a long, long time.

Many times sleep was impossible at night for me. He would let me rest the next day and not get irritated if resting during the day meant cancelling a planned errand or social occasion. If we had to miss something, I would often cry from the guilt of it and he would tell me it was not important. When I bemoaned my lack of participation as his wife, he would tell me that any thime we spent together, even if I was not 'up to par,' was good time.

When the anxiety peaked... and there will be many peaks of anxirty yet for your wife, he would take me for a ride to help calm me down. If I cried spontaneously.. and expect this to happen to wife for a while yet, he maybe would hold me, aask why I was crying, but leave me be if I did not answer.

He would remind me often that I was going to be okay. He would mention any baby step of progress that I made from the day before. ie. Today you cried less than yesterday, today you walked 7 minutes longer than yesterday.

When it was finally, finally all over for me, when I finally came to a point of really being restored and in recovery, which took many months, there were some issues between us. No longer a slave to the pian pills and Xanax, I began to take on more responsibility in the household again. It incrnged on his space as he had long ago taken over all my roles as I gave them up. We had to find balance again and reestablish our roles, our relationship. This led to a lot of heated spats, hurt feelings on both parts. After discussing it all with my social worker, hubby and I began to talk about it. We talked together about the need to recognize that we had to redefine our relationship again. Being open and honest with each other about when we got angry or hurt with the other and comprimising often, we were able to mesh once again and feel good about ourselves and each other.

I am sure Wife has doubts and fears about a lot of things as she begins again to live in the world without drugs. We use drugs to hide away from life's problems. Once we start living again facing daily life with no sanctuary in drugs, it is diffficult finding our way. If any thing like me, Wife will go through an absolute gamet of feelings and thoughts as she makes her way back. When she moans, accept it as part of her working her way into real recovery, acknowledge her maonings, but don't dwell on them or she will.

It is going to take a lot of patience on both your parts. Do state your feelings as you guys work through this time together. Let her know if she is doing something that really upsets you, and then ask how you two can reach a comprimise on it. One thing that was a real trigger for arguments as I got better was the kitchen. Hubby had completely taken over the cooking. As I got better, I wanted to try and resume some of my responsibilities. I would suggest cooking something this way or that and ineveitably, hurt feelings happened between us and an argument. We finallly talked about it and agreed that if he were cooking, I would butt out and that I would do some cooking on my own some days. Stupid thing to argue about, but it happened a lot! As I became more and more balanced, we finally cook together now. Our roles have changed and readjusted and we both are feeling more balanced in the relationship again.

I wish you both well. Everyone in the household receives a share of the burden when an addict is active or reaching for recovery. There will be issues that crop up, but taking the time to reflect on what is causing the issue and talking it out makes it so no issue is insurrmountable.

Peace
reach

 
Old 01-28-2008, 03:58 AM   #8
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Re: im a spouce of an addict in rehab, plz help

Thank you all for your prayers of support and well being. I know alot of the anxiety im feeling is caused by myself. I fear for her and for us, but I know with the hard work and wonderful advise you all have left, we'll pull through. Thank you all for taking the time to listen and advise. God bless you all.

Mike

 
Old 01-28-2008, 08:08 PM   #9
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Re: im a spouce of an addict in rehab, plz help

Oh honey, I know what you're dealing with now.
My now ex boyfriend of 6 years has a family tree full of nuts. His Mom, whom I refer to as a very bad name, is a full blown addict and loon. I loathe the ground the woman stumbles upon. His dad is a "recovering alcoholic". My ex is emotionally screwed up---looking as his family I know why. He has battled addiction in the past and I have thought he may be now. He is a habitual liar and is warped when it comes to his family. No matter how bad it is, what they do, how stupid they act, how many problems they cause him---he can't stay away. Especially from his Mom. She has stolen more money from him than I care to recall, she has called here high lying to me causing problems, she has got him fired from jobs, stole and wrecked 2 of his cars, took money from him to "pay his bills" and used it on drugs, I could write a book. He WILL NOT stay away! It's a twisted psychoticness that I can't understand. Both my parents are straight laced as they come.
I hope and pray your wife will do what my ex won't--and stay the heck away from ppl that contaminate her life. It will be much easier on you and especially her. I would drop an annon tip to her sponser/therapist that they need to go in depth when it comes to family problems...and I hope they let her know the old adage, you can't take an alcoholic to a bar. Until she leads a healthy drug free life for awhile, going back around her Mom will be nothing but trouble.
Good luck. Please let us know how it goes.


Quote:
Originally Posted by xxmike73xx View Post
now i've never had any addictions to any substances and she voulenteered to go to the center. she has a very unhealty relationship with her mom, who is addicted to vicodin as well, just much worse. they live less than a mile from us. she did say she now sees how destructive of a relationship that was and she now needs to distance herself from her. im the only one she calls from there. i know we've emotionally grow apart since the addiction and with her relationship with her mom, i regressed even farther. her mom and i get along like oil and water with no hope. i told her if she feels we need to move away, ill do it, ill do whatever i need to do to support her. ive just been oblivious to her addiction for so long out of ignorance and fear. i just hope my jumping on board here with both feet late isnt too late. i want to learn all i can to help her and for her to feel my deepfelt passion for her and my excitment for her sobriety. she is queen and best friend. i love her dearly. i just hope she feels it when i see her next sunday.

Last edited by kentuckygal33; 01-28-2008 at 08:10 PM.

 
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