im a spouce of an addict in rehab, plz help - Addiction & Recovery Message Board

xxmike73xx · 01-27-2008, 07:25 AM

My wife has been in rehab for a month. next sunday im flying down to see her. I know she has alot of issues at this point, now that shes been clean for a month. I am madly in love with her and would do anything for her. Shes afraid that we wont "mesh" anymore. there has never been any cheating or abuse, but we have kind of lost touch over the past couple years. she said she still loves me but shes not sure about us. Im assuming this is normal in this stage of her recovery, but she said she'll see what happens when we see each other next week. I need to know what can I do to show her the passion is still there, the spark and the eternal love that i have never lost for her is still going strong, just waiting for her. What can i do or say to prove this. she needs this affirmation. i really think it will help her progress if she can see this. Im terrified. im at the point that im not eating or sleeping because im so scared, its affecting my work and my mental outlook. i want her to be well and i want to carry on down the road of life with her forever. we've been together 15 years and i want it to be 100 more. can someone please give me advice or help me. thank you

Phoenix · 01-27-2008, 09:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xxmike73xx

My wife has been in rehab for a month. next sunday im flying down to see her. I know she has alot of issues at this point, now that shes been clean for a month. I am madly in love with her and would do anything for her. Shes afraid that we wont "mesh" anymore. there has never been any cheating or abuse, but we have kind of lost touch over the past couple years. she said she still loves me but shes not sure about us. Im assuming this is normal in this stage of her recovery, but she said she'll see what happens when we see each other next week. I need to know what can I do to show her the passion is still there, the spark and the eternal love that i have never lost for her is still going strong, just waiting for her. What can i do or say to prove this. she needs this affirmation. i really think it will help her progress if she can see this. Im terrified. im at the point that im not eating or sleeping because im so scared, its affecting my work and my mental outlook. i want her to be well and i want to carry on down the road of life with her forever. we've been together 15 years and i want it to be 100 more. can someone please give me advice or help me. thank you

Hello Mike,

First of all, let me say congratulations with respect to her month of drug/alcohol free living.

There are factors to consider, now that she is in rehab.

In rehab, people are taught different ways of coping with day-to-day living; substance free.

I don't know your history with polysubstance abuse(if there is any at all) but if there was a history, she may find it a tad difficult to live in that type of environment.

I also don't know if she was mandated or if this was voluntary.

Another unknown is the duration of use.

As the "cobwebs" clear, some things become more apparent; if she is serious about her stay in rehab, she will need to change certain habits...........

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

The best thing that you can do is to show support for her and encourage her progress.

Take the time out to listen to her hopes, fears and needs.

Listen to her rationale for whatever points she brings up;however difficult it may be.

Above all else, be respectful.

Wishing you the best.

Phoenix

kentuckygal33 · 01-27-2008, 09:23 AM

Be her friend, if nothing else--and I know how very hard that is. The main thing you need to do is not push her in any way. It will only drive her further away and may cause her to relapse. Tell her how you feel then leave it at that. Once she knows, it's her shot to call. Her hesitation may be normal or it may be that something relationship wise has been lacking for a long time on her part. Talk to her about that when she's ready to talk.

Drugs change people. Even once they stop using drugs, a lot of changes in personality or behavior never go back to the way they once were.

Good luck. I wish your wife a lifetime of soberity and you a lifetime of love.

xxmike73xx · 01-27-2008, 09:32 AM

now i've never had any addictions to any substances and she voulenteered to go to the center. she has a very unhealty relationship with her mom, who is addicted to vicodin as well, just much worse. they live less than a mile from us. she did say she now sees how destructive of a relationship that was and she now needs to distance herself from her. im the only one she calls from there. i know we've emotionally grow apart since the addiction and with her relationship with her mom, i regressed even farther. her mom and i get along like oil and water with no hope. i told her if she feels we need to move away, ill do it, ill do whatever i need to do to support her. ive just been oblivious to her addiction for so long out of ignorance and fear. i just hope my jumping on board here with both feet late isnt too late. i want to learn all i can to help her and for her to feel my deepfelt passion for her and my excitment for her sobriety. she is queen and best friend. i love her dearly. i just hope she feels it when i see her next sunday.

Mose · 01-27-2008, 10:52 AM

Interesting, xxmike;
I hope this does not come across wrongly, as I wish you to not experience what I have. The roles reversed in my case. I am sorry to mention this, but as I read your post, they were the words of love only they did not convey love. I heard concern, worry, confusion, and fear....all yours.
Damn, I hope I do not add something that is not there, but I hear smothering. Give her time to breathe and do/act on nothing immediately unless it comes from her supporting cast, but be there for her. Each of her concerns, you did what I do, I blast back 'a simple, obvious, fix-it'.[like now]..now, next concern?

I am not good at this, but if I saw this 12 years ago, It would be word for word what went on between my wife and myself, only I was the triumphant drunk returning victoriously home.

Please reread your post and see if its your own fears of loss and change that has you upset and near hysteria. Grab hold of your own feelings, go outside and take longer than normal steps and take in huge breaths of air. That clears my mind. The long steps are to let your gonads drop back into place. When we men get scared, we tend to suck them up and act like jerks. You work on you, let your wife work on hers, and let each other be well informed of the thoughts and fears, and planning YOUR FUTURES TOGETHER.

Mike, go talk to a counselor yourself before she arrives. But do not forget your manhood, there is huge difference between manly men and smothering men.

I'll add another pair of bulbs to my memory grove of spring flowers, and shed a tear for my loss on it then go to old folks home one xtra night to be with someone in need of an ear and gift the deed to you and your wife.

Nuke Utah if I;m of base here so I won't be tempted to butt in where I shouldn't, with my over abundant butt!

Be Great, Be Silent, and keep your belt tight enough to do the job, not a notch too tight o loose.
the Moz