OMG i wish i didn't have to post this but I am back again. I jumped into the deep end of the pool and this time I really did it. I started using again and I am so ashamed. worse of all my employer caught me stealing from her. I am so humiliated. I thought I couldn't reach bottom again, but here I am she wants me to return the vikes I stole and I can't cuz I took them all. I am so scared I will go to jail I am freakin out. I have no right to ask for help but if any one can help me get through this I am desperate. I don't know what to do. my family doesn't know and I can't tell anyone I feel so alone. I am going to try and do this again. But I am scared cuz I fell so hard and fast. I am going to a meeting and I have to come clean with my sponsor an everyone but I am so scared they will know I lied. Pray for me I am so scared.
I owned a housecleaning biz over the last 2 years (I had to stop bec it was killing my back) and yes, I stole from my homes. I feel like a complete sh-t for that and would be more devastated if these people who trusted me with their keys and belongings ever found out.
One client, actually, I was really worried they did. I was so worried after they let me go (after Christmas and their money was tight) that when they called a few months later for a spot clean, what did I do? Steal his Oxy yet again.
My family calls me Superman or The Boy Scout, yet my older brother is the raging alcoholic that everyone judges. If only they knew.
So I do understand most of what you're going through.
My advice is:
a. call your sponsor right now and fess up, so that you will have someone sober in your corner when you talk to your employer and fess up to him/her, too. Beg forgiveness, and tell the boss any truthfully significant events that have led you to this. For me, my dad died, I faced a recurrence of cancer and some PTSD from the war. Oh and my back was killing me.
b. re replacing the boss' vikes -- is there any way you can get some legit - how many are we talking about here - to replace them?
c. if you are not covered by private health ins, I would apply for Medicaid tomorrow and then apply for substance abuse treatment.
All of this is not only for your benefit, of course, but also to show your employer that this (being caught) is a huge wakeup call and out of ordinary.
Are you employed by a private person or a company?
I know this road won't be easy but I'm glad you reached out here - many will read and silently say, "Been there, done worse than that one" and some will post. All will understand.
Thank you sooo much for your response. I am employed by a private company. fessed up at a meeting and don't feel any better I am busy beating myself up. In a way I am glad this happened I was so out of control this time yeah like the other time was any better but I felt more out of control this time. I realize I need more meetings and alot more work, in this program Duh! your response was heartwarming thanks so much for the kind words.
I guess when you feel this much shame I guess I finally found a new bottom to reach. Yeah it has been super crazy lost my job as a assist to the president of a university, mom has stage 4 cancer, cousin just passed away from breast cancer and we thought she was getting better and had to take a job so demeaning that i have felt embarrassed and angry and didn't even realize it till 2 day. BUT THIS IS NO EXCUSE TO USE nothing ever is. Someone said something to me today that made sence he said these are just excuses to do what you wanted to do all along.
Well, You gotta admire that very honest and open advice, huh? Honesty to yourself, first and foremost, and honesty to others is really to key to staying sober. Its sooo good that you came out and just told the truth, the truth WILL set you free.
When i look back at the many years that i was "out there" every time i got arrested, busted by friends, family or all of the above i see now that it was God intervening in my life, giving me a chance to do somthing about my life. How many times was I faced with a choice like this and STILL took the wrong path? I hate to even think about it.....
I wish you luck and Blessings and prayers that you make the right choices and continue to be honest and open. everything will be ok, we just gotta get through the rough spots before we get to the good stuff.