Hi I am 30 & my Husband is 28 we have done pain & nerve pills for about 6 years & I smoke pot. The thing is I can do 1/2 a pain pill & be good for the day. There are plenty of days I could do without it & have been wanting to quit for quite saome time now. I had stopped smkoing pot for almost a month then our marriage split for almost 2 weeks. My husband has been overboard with buying drugs & getting completely f****ed up. We have fought over this for 2-3 years & both can honestly not think of one fight that wasnt in one way or another over drugs. I did everything I could think of to try to get him to stop if he couldnt be more in control about them. All he did was turn into an awsome lier. We just got back together last night from almost getting a divorce because I found out he has personal loans we cannot afford that all the money went to drugs & he recently had a car accident (he's got CDL's so he would loose his job) while messed up & alot of other things that showed me he cared way more for the drugs than our family. Actually he left because I told him to choose me & our kids or drugs & he left. My conditions of him coming home is that he ha to stop lying to me & all drug use completely. I promised to quit all drugs also (thought it was only right even though I dont feel I have a prob). He cannot go through any kind of rehab because he will lose his job it is dangerous work & they cant have peopole there messed up at work (even though 90% of the employees stay strung out). Is there any way he can defeat this with only my help speacially with it being thrown in his face all day everyday at work (there is always someone at his work with a pocket full of pills, coke whatever you like & they love to share). All of our freinds use also. I was hoping I could get some suggestions of ways to get through this under these conditions I know we can make new freinds but he is finally gonna get 5 yrs in soon with this company & its a real good job for around here speacially with nothing but a High School diploma so quitting is out of the question.
Hi Half, welcome and you're among understanding friends. I have a couple of questions:
What would your husband do if he broke his leg? He'd stay out and recover, right? And his insurance would cover it. If he didn't and chose to drive...he'd be putting his already dangerous job in much more urgent danger, right? Would he lose his job if he were out for 3 weeks with that broken leg?
(I'm not trying to sound patronizing, just trying to equate the importance of getting help with a logical hypothetical. Start looking at this as an illness and not an action.)
Doesn't your husband have health insurance and it covers substance abuse? I have to believe that if drug use is rampant, he's not the first and they'd want him clean/sober. (Maybe I'm way off base - no problem to tell me I am.)
So, my thoughts are:
a. Do the research for him (check the back of his insurance card) for either an in or outpatient detox/rehab center for him.) Tell him you love him, support him and all the money that's being spent on drugs can be put towards rehab.
b. You say drugs are not a problem for you, so how about stopping them altogether? Then you will not dangle a dangerous carrot in front of him? Can you also commit to being clean/sober and thus give your marriage/situation a fighting chance?
c. doesn't your husband get random drug tests? If yes, won't he be fired outright and then have to explain to future employers WHY?
Please "hear" me the way I speak --- I don't judge and I care what happens, as will the others here. But my way of thinking is usually "how can you move forward and hopefully be able to decide your fate, before fate decides it for you?"
welcome you are among friends here we all have very similar stories my name is wireman i have been an addict all my life unitl recently i have been clean since september. I too am married and my wife still is active. She smokes pot takes perks my drug of choice and xanax also my drug of choice. What i have learned is i can only control my own thoughts and habits. i can not make my wife stop using and i wish she would however i can choose not to be around her when she does. What i have been doing is when she is smoking pot i leave and go to a meeting or take a ride or i ask her to leave. i tell her i love her very much and hope that she too can become free . until she is ready i can not force her to stop but i do encourage her. when i was using i felt less confident then other people because i was using so when someone told me to stop or asked what i was doing to myself i would put up the wall or get very defensive about it. i wish you the best and pray for you and your husband.
i AM GONNA QUIT WITH HIM. yES HE HAS INS THAT WILL PAY FOR A REHAB FOR HIM BUT SINCE HE'S BEEN THERE THERE HAVE BEEN A COUPLE PEOPLE WHO DID THIS & GUESS WHAT AS SOON AS THEY CAME BACK TO WORK THEY WHERE FIRED. AFTER THEY KNOW YOU ARE AN ADDICT YOU ARE OUT THE DOOR THEY DONT CARE IF YOU GOT HELP THEY JUST THINK YOU'LL RELAPSE & COST THE JOB MONEY SO THEY GET YOU CLEAN & THEN YOU ARE FIRED THATS WHY HE CANT GO TO ANY KIND OF PROGRAM. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH BUT I HAVE ALREADY LET HIM TAKE SO MUCH AWAY FROM ME & OUR KIDS I CANT DO IT ANYMORE I WILL HAVE TO DIVORCE HIM IF HE CANT STAY CLEAN IT IS SO SAD. I HAD ONE NERVE PILL HERE AT THE HOUSE & I ASKED HIM IF HE WANTED ME TO FLUSH IT OR GIVE IT AWAY. HE WANTED US TO DO IT TOGETHER SO THAT WE COULD START BEING CLEAN TOGETHER I WASNT SURE IT WAS A GOOD IDEA BUT THATS WHAT WE DID. I TOLD HIM I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO TALK TO ME ABOUT HIS CRAVINGS & ABOUT WHEN SOMEONE OFFERED & HOW HARD IT WAS TO TURN IT DOWN. I JUST DONT KNOW IF WE CAN DO THIS. I AM SO SCARRED HIS PROBLEM IS TO THE POINT OF I AM LOOKING FOR US TO LOOSE OUR HOME OR FOR HIM TO WRECK & KILL SOME POOR FAMILY OR HIMSELF IF HE DOESNT STOP. I COULDNT TELL YOU THE TIMES I HAVE NOT HAD THE MONEY TO PAY BILLS OR GO TO THE GROCERY STORE BECAUSE HE SNUCK & SPENT ALL OUR MONEY FOR PILLS & PAY DAYS OVER A WEEK AWAY. hE MAKES DECENT MONEY SO THIS IS A PROBLEM WE SHOULD NEVER HAVE.
Last edited by halfbaked1; 02-07-2008 at 08:54 AM.
Reason: TYPING TO FAST
Hey Half....seems like it's ultimatum time. Tell him you, or the junk - MAYBE he'll get the picture. I have an Aunt right now who is married to an addict - and a HORRIBLE addict at that. He is on disability, and the minute that check comes on Saturday mornings - instead of going out to get groceries, or paying a bill or two, it's either straight to his dealer, or straight to his 'legal dealer'. (The Doc). They are VERY CLOSE to losing their home, their one remaining vehicle, and the utilities are all about to be shut off annnny day now. Today, he screwed me out of money to help feed his head with a quick fix, which ultimately left me 'DONE' with him. Never again. I always tried to help in one way or another for my Aunt's sake - but I cannot anymore. So again today, she has given him the ultimatum - no more pills, or no more her - he chose her, but the minute she turned her back to take a quick shower, he was in he car on his way to get some pills 'on the arm' from a 'friend'. She knows thi trip will take him almost 3 hours to complete (the friend lives a little over an hour away), so she has asked me to come over and change the locks....front, back, and side door. She is actually RELIEVED at this decision - instead of really upset - because she now feels.....well.....almost free. She knows it will be a long hard road - and very difficult to pay the bills, etc. without him around, but she is definately ready to take this on. Actually, it shouldn't be all that hard, because nothing was getting paid with him around anyway. I am on my way over there now....screwdrivers in hand....ready to do a litte locksmith work. She will be fine, I will make sure of it. After all, if you cannot len on your family in times of despair, who CA you lean on?
Maybe this post will help you gain strength, maybe it wont.....or maybe you'll think I am nothing but a goof that writes long posts.... But either way, you need to start living for YOU. And ONLY you!!
This game we call life is absolutely NOT a dress rehearsal - we get one chance at it and one chance ONLY....and it is WAYYYYYY too short to be living in any way other than the one which makes us smile and makes us happy.
Good luck to you friend - be strong - be you - and do what ya gotta do.
Half - I do understand about your husband's employer firing people who return from rehab. But I have to believe there can be a way to keep this confidential. Someone is leaking this and due to HIPPA (Medical Privacy) regulations, someone is leaking the info. My advice would be to find a treatment facility far, far away from home and keeping it quiet. Take vacation time and go.
I know you said your husband makes good money, is there any way you can get
money in an acct that only you control, so you can try to take care of your house/family obligations? If your husband is committed to sobriety, then one condition I would insist on is...he changes his direct deposit to an account that only you control. If he gets a paper check, then he must turn it over to you. I know (as a man myself) how demoralizing that can be...to hand a hard-earned check over to my wife (I'm a pretty enlightened guy but I still have feelings of "I'm the provider for my family and I'm less of a man if I'm not providing." --- I think most men feel that way, deep down.)
One thing that has helped my marriage is...my wife has said "as long as you are taking steps to move forward, I will walk right next to you. but when you take steps backward....your 2 sons and I will not stop walking forward for one second. You will enjoy that solo walk that way...solo."
There are so many things I want to say to you, but I feel a little preachy so I will stop for now.
His Company Has Its Own Insurance So They Would Know When The Bill Came In That He Went To Rehab. It Is A World Wide Company & They Pay Close Attention To Everything Like That. We Where At A Freinds Yest & They Offered Him Some Coke He Said No But When We Got Home He Asked What I Would Have Done If He'd Said Yes. I Answered We Would Have Done It Went Home Packed Your Stuff & It Would Have Been Over. Me & Everyone Who Knows Him Does Not Think He Can Do This. We Have Been Through This A Hundred Times Over He Is Good For A Week Or Two & Then It Goes Back To The Same Ole ****. Please Any Advice Will Help I Dont Care If It Sounds Harsh.
half, you say youa re worried about his company finding out if he goes to rehab?? dont you see that he will eventually get caught using drugs and his company will find out about that? Because he will eventually get into some kind of drug trouble..