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Old 02-07-2008, 06:37 AM   #1
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silentmayhem HB User
Tell me I'm not the only one

I know as addicts that most of us have done things to get our drug of choice in any way that we can. Whether it be alcohol or pain killers, most of us have probably done some stupid things. (Or am I alone here?) I think it's therapeutic to look back and see how crazy I had become.

Here's one thing I did that I'm ashamed of:

Once I drove myself to the urgent 24 hour clinic and lied about being in a car accident. I said my back was killing me. After waiting 5 hours and getting xrays and going through all the testing, etc, my bill ended up being $1300.00. All that money for 120 10/325 Vics. At the time, I didn't care that I was paying an exhorbatent amount of money for my fix. In fact, I was thinking SCORE! Like it was so easy and I was excited when I drove to the pharmacy to get it filled.

Looking back, I think...damn, look how insane that is!

So, what is your story? WHat have you done in the name of your addiction that you can now look back and use as your "wake up call?"

 
Old 02-07-2008, 07:27 AM   #2
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Re: Tell me I'm not the only one

Hello Silent

I have read both your threads and want to welcome you to the board. It is a great place to share and to learn.

I have completed tapers from Oxycodone and then from Xanax. It was a long haul, but I feel as though I have a balanced life back and am happy in it.

Truthfully, I have never had to pull any imaginative capers to get any presciptions. I started with health issues that are going to be lifelong and painkillers were just a phonecall away to my family doctor and oncologist. I did it all by the book... made sure each doctor knew what meds I got and who I received them from. And it led me straight into the pit of Hell because I never stopped to look at the impact my drug use was having on my life. I was isolating more and more and falling into deeper and deeper depression. It took a total breakdown for me to understand that I was lost in the drugs and had to find a way out.

I went to my family doctor with my husband quite hystrical and quite non-functioning. A sobbing mess no longer able to think straight concerning even the most basic things. We developed a taper plan together and I clung to that plan for my very life. I also retraced my steps..... let every doctor who worked with me know that I was coming off opiates and benzos and asked that it be marked in my chart. I wanted all my sources cut off in case I got weak and did start to dream up the capers.

For me, therapeutic hindsight looks at my life 18 months ago with sad recognition that I had no life. At the end, I was stumbling through work which I had once looked forward to with pleasure; I had cut myself off from friends and family; I had no ummph or energy to enjoy the first grandbaby that I has so long awaited; I was a lame excuse of a partner in a 36 year marriage. Somewhere inside me, I knew I was spiraling downhill and that drugs were the major cause... so what did I do when signals of destruction hit? Take a pill and not think about it. Stupid and sad. And finally a total breakdown became my wake-up call.

So while I don't have an event to look back on and say, "Duh," I have years of going down the tubes and refusing to recognize it. I shake my head at times in disbelief that I was so stupid, so easily led into that despair.

So, anyway, yes, it is good sometimes to take a trip down memory lane and revisit how incredibly stupid drug use makes us... how it can turn totally intelligent beings into total idiots. Hopefully, each stroll down memory lane reminds us to be grateful that we still have a life to fight for.

Best wishes
reach

 
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Old 02-07-2008, 09:21 AM   #3
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kelly29 HB User
Re: Tell me I'm not the only one

I have a similar story. I recently went to the ER to complain of my hands hurting (I think I may have RA, they really do swell and hurt a lot). After waiting for 7 hours and doing the whole x-ray deal, I walked out with a script for 20 percocet. Instead of thinking, "Damn, I just spent $1,200 and 7 hours of my life on that." my thinking was, "Yay! 20 percocet will last me a whole nother day!"

I start Suboxone treatment tomorrow at 8:00 a.m. I'm very nervous and scared, but I feel like this is a whole new beginning for me. I've already ruined myself financially, so I have nothing else to lose. I, too, am in the legal profession, so I totally know how you feel. I would be ruined if I had to go to rehab. But I just can't do this alone. Good luck to you. These boards are a great support system, so don't give up. Hopefully, we can both quit!

 
Old 02-07-2008, 10:44 AM   #4
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tat2duser HB User
Re: Tell me I'm not the only one

Reach Darling.... I just had to stop in and say how absolutely much I enjoy readig your posts.

You truly are an inspiration.

With blesings....and many, MANY thanks,

tat*

 
Old 02-07-2008, 10:48 AM   #5
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jules3 HB User
Re: Tell me I'm not the only one

why would you be ruined if you went into rehab? drug addiction is so prevelant now..you are talking life or death. good luck on your suboxone..my son is on his 8th day on it and is feeling comfortable..

 
Old 02-07-2008, 02:46 PM   #6
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kelly29 HB User
Re: Tell me I'm not the only one

Hey, Jules. (nice name, by the way - my son's name - it's a family name for us)

I would be "ruined" because I work for a prosecutor. If he knew what was going on, he would certainly have rethink his decision to keep me on. He is about to run for DA in our area, and my drug abuse would ruin HIM if he kept me on. I don't want to put him in that position, because I know he values my work, so for me to go into rehab with the position I currently hold, I would be putting my career -or his- in jeopardy.

Can anyone give me some tips as far as the Suboxone treatment? I don't know much about it.....

 
Old 02-07-2008, 03:00 PM   #7
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jules3 HB User
Re: Tell me I'm not the only one

but kelly, why must you tell him about rehab? cant you say you have a personal medical problem to take care of..also, if you are worried about them finding out about rehab, suboxone is a drug that will go on your medical records too..not to discourage you, im trying to help you.

 
Old 02-08-2008, 11:34 AM   #8
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kelly29 HB User
Re: Tell me I'm not the only one

Jules - when I think of rehab, I think of 30-45 days in an inpatient facility. I not only work full time but take care of two small boys (my boyfriend/baby daddy is disabled and doesn't provide me any help). I can't be gone for a month without my whole world (and my kids' worlds) falling apart. Not only that, but my family has no idea about this problem. My mom might try to take my kids away if she found out I was using drugs. I started Subutex this morning and so far I'm okay. I just have to try this option before I do something as drastic as going into rehab. I'm going to start a thread with my story because I think I'm going to be visiting the boards all the time now. I need as much support as I can get and I want people to know my background so I can maybe get some helpful tips on how to cope. Thanks for caring, but while rehab would be an ideal situation for recovery, its not a practical one for me.

 
Old 02-08-2008, 12:09 PM   #9
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jules3 HB User
Re: Tell me I'm not the only one

Ok well i wish you lots of luck with the sub..you have huge incentive so im sure you will be able to do it...

 
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