I have been abusing oxycodone for 6-8 months now (5-7 10/325 a day), back pain was the initial problem. I want to stop like nothing I've ever wanted before, but I am so scared. Where will I find the daIly things that make life worth living? I just cannot picture a day without the pills. I know that this addiction is starting to really mess up my life, but I don't know what it will take to make my say enough is enough.
Any thoughts or comments are appreciated.
What did you live for before? What are your passions? You see,addiction robs us of the ability to enjoy who we were intended to be. It blinds our full potential, and takes us away from those who love us most. Love yourself enough to believe that you are more than what the pill does for you. Life is worth suffering through if only to enjoy those once in a lifetime moments that shape our entire person. You are worth fighting for....so FIGHT!
In reality all addiction is is a mask to our daily lives. Most of the problem for people who want to get clean is the thought of being without - "what will I d without them", "how will i survive without the pills?".... It's the FEAR of being without that stops most people from making the decision to be free of the drug(s). Thats has to be your first step....you have to WANT to stop. if you don't have the mindset to want to stop, you will more than likely relapse and be back in - and usually deeper and with more of a vengeance than ever. A lot of times people hafta hit rock-bottom before they quit - which I hope is not the case for you friend. Sit and think about WHO you were before you started using....think about the things that made you 'tick' prior to taking that first pill. These are the thigs that made ME want to stop ad get back to a 'normal' life free of these little white demons.
So flimba, reach way back, and find the strength to do this. Sure it's tough....tugh as h*ll actually, but sooooo worth it in the end.
Good luck my friend....keep posting and keeping us up to date with how you're doing.
I am clean for a while from both opiates and benzos ( Oxycodone and Xanax). I was on them for much longer than you, over ten years. They did serve a purpose and help me trough some excruitiating pain when undergoing cancer surgeries and the treatments that followed. Unfortunately, they also just became a routine part of my life. An unhealthy routine, an unhealthy routine both physically and mentally. Not only did my body come to depend on them, but I crossed a line and started using them to block any mental pain I suffered. Like you, I became fearful of even thinking about a life that did not include my daily doses whenever I "felt" like it. I wasn't always even sure what the heck I was afraid of. Revisiting past hurts and traumas was some of it. An even bigger part was that I was afraid of living. Those pills are great not only at masking pain, but at masking clear thinking. So that I didn't have to really face these fears, I simply kept taking pills.
I became a soul with addictive thinking and behaviour. It led to my downfall eventually and I paid dearly a high price for shutting out all the warning signals, for hiding from fear behind opiates and benzos. I had a complete, total breakdown in mind, body and spirit. I became a non-functioning sobbing excuse for a being. I could no longer contribute anything to anyone else and could not even take care of myself any longer. Fear? I was but a mass of fear at that point. Afraid to be awake, afraid to go to sleep ( when that was even possible), afraid that I would be stuck in this incomprhensible state of chaotic fear that left me pretty lifeless.
HOWEVER, there is a good ending to my tale of woe. My husband packed me up and brought me to my family doctor. As I sat there crying uncontrollably and literally scared senseless, a plan was developed to taper me off the narcotics. I clung to that plan, began seeking outside resources like this board and a licensed clinical social worker, and my family and friends. Once I spit out that first full disclosure to my doctor in front of my husband, there was no turning back for me. I started telling everything to every concerned parties... all my doctors, my family, my closest friends.
It was a long year of tapering and recovering for me. Now I am facing the life without pills that I feared. And you know what? It isn't scary at all. It is a life of doing some really routine stuff like household chores and grocery shopping. It is a life full once again of sharing time with family and friends and really and truly enjoying the time together.
I am not going to glamorize withdrawal and detox... it is tough, it takes commitment and it takes a well thought out plan that includes both withdrawal and aftercare. It is a taxing process that involves the mind, the body and the spirit. It is as painful as a bad pregnancy and a tough birthing process. The end results, however, are similar in their beauty... both preocesses result in a new life filled with hope and the ability to experience joy and happiness.
Steel yourself and get started... get to your doctor and, with total honesty in every aspect, tell your story. It is such a new story to you, but such an old story for so, so many. Your doctor, like mine, has heard it all before and will help you. Please don't sit back and let these pills claim your being... get proactive and start doing something about it now.
Come back and share, okay? This board can be one of the many resources you will discover to help you along.
My recommendation would be a very slow taper.....1/2 pill a day....Towards the end, you may want to reduce by qtr pill. Each reduction should be at least several days at a time, or longer if you can. If you're getting scrips and not running out, you can afford to go slow. The slower the taper, the easier your body will adjust to the decrease in meds. Some patients do the taper over a couple of months. However, others are forced into a quick taper because their supply is short. Take your time (if you can) and you will do fine. Remember that most wds are from the "shock" your body experiences from the sudden reduction or elimination of opiates.
Based on what your report, your addiction isn't nearly as bad as many other people. Hydrocodone can be done without medical help. However, if you feel you need a Doc to oversee things, then by all means, see one. Some patients report anxiety or a increase in blood pressure, so seeing a Doc may be a good idea if you have these issues. However, they are more likely to happen with a fast taper.
Also, try to exercise....Walking, running, whatever interests you. Exercise releases your natural endorphins which will help things.