I've been "lurking" on these boards for over a year, but I think its finally time to join the family. I just feel like I have to share my story so everyone will have an understanding of me. I was raised in a very close-knit, loving family by my mom and my grandparents.
I currently live with my longtime boyfriend and our two young children (ages 2 and 7) in a FEMA rental. We became homeless on August 29, 2005 (the date Katrina came ashore). We lived a few miles from "ground zero" and our house was destroyed. We spent over a year in a FEMA travel trailer (way fun with 2 adults and 2 kids ). Fortunately, I was the only one in my extended family that lost my house, but the bad part of that is that no one seems to understand how hard it is to still not be back home. My living situation has added additional stress on me, and between being homeless and fighting battles to try to get back into our house (we have to demolish and rebuild, but can't do so until the grant program says its okay), my stress levels have gone through the roof, as has my pill consumption. I am currently making more money than I ever have, and can't even pay my bills. I can't pay my older child's tuition for next year because I spent the money on pills. The other day, I woke up and realized that I'm going to be 30 in a month, and there is no way I'm going to turn 30 as an addict. So I went online and found a suboxone doctor, who I saw this morning. He gave me Subutex and an antidepressant, and hopefully things will start changing for me. The problem is that I don't have any friends (all my time is spent with my kids - they are my whole world). My boyfriend is narcoleptic, which means he sleeps ALL the time. He works, and he sleeps, and that's it. So I don't get any help from him with the kids, and he doesn't have time to talk to me about my problems. I'm not really close to anyone at work, and my family can never know about this problem, because none of them ever used and wouldn't understand. They would see it as a failure or a stupid decision on my part. They consider me the "smart one" and this would disappoint them to no end. Plus, my mom might even consider taking my kids away from me if she felt that I was allowing them to live in a bad environment.
I guess what I need is some support, some pats on the back that I'm doing the right thing, and that it will get better. The thing I'm most afraid of is the depression. It has been debilitating in the past, and the pills have been masking that for so long. Now that the mask has come off, I'm afraid to see what's behind it.
Can anyone tell me what I can expect to be feeling for the next several days?? I'm on the Subutex for one week and then next Friday he is going to put me on Suboxone. From what I understand, they basically hook you on the suboxone, but since it has that "built in anti-overdose" medicine, you don't take the additional meds to get high, and once the narcotics are out of your system, they wean you off the Suboxone slowly until you are done with all of it. Is my understanding accurate?? Any help would be appreciated! God bless all of you for being part of this wonderful community.
kelly i did write you back on your other thread. you sound good, im feeling positive that you are on the right track. could you possibly go to an n.a meeting? that together with sub will help you..you need to pick up some tools on how to live with addiction. its not just about stopping drugs..its much more. so if you are going to do it, do it all the way..
Im not the addict here, my son is almost 22 and hes the opiate addict. he is on day 9 or 10 with suboxone and i see a huge change in him..he is also on antideprresants. i see a good change, i feel some hope. talk to you soon and keep up the good work..your kids need you, believe me they are 21 before you can blink an eye.
J - thanks for the post. I do feel okay. I guess that's what I need to know: what else is there other than stopping the drugs? Unless I can find a meeting that's during my lunch hour, a meeting might be out of the question because of my "kid schedule." But I am interested in doing whatever must be done. That's why I logged on to these boards. They are like my 24-hour-a-day meetings! Thanks again. I'm sure your son has hurt you with his addiction, but it sounds like you know already that he wasn't trying to hurt you. That's how I feel with my mom. She also has esteem issues and isn't very strong emotionally, so I could never confide in her that I have this problem. It might kill her. Your son is lucky to have you.
Hey Kelly.... So sorry for all the unfortunate things that have come your way recently. Your post was a HUGE eye opener for me.... Today I was having one of those "feel sorry for myself my life sucks so bad" days, and then I read your post and see just how bad it ISN'T for some of us. God Bless You.
It's true, so many of us look for that 'hit' when the going gets tough....we think "just a couple won't hurt" - but when in reality all we are doing is masking our problems.... Kinda like putting a Band-Aid on a huge gash. It kinda covers it - but it's worse after all is said and done. It's GREAT that you saw a Sub doc - to me, Sub was a wonder drug. I was taking a huge dose of Oxy and was absolutely dreading coming off them, but after I took my first dse of it, I was like, "wow!!". It truly did make for a no-withdrawal detox. As I'm sure you have learned from reading on here though - Sub is also VERY addicting....very hard to come off of as well. So please, do yourself a favor and be smart with it....only stay on it as long as you fee you have to. That's a hard thing to predict, but the bissgest battle when doing this, is the mmental battle. Keep it in your head what - and why you are doing this for. Your hubby and your kids are so much more important to you, I'm pretty sure of that. =)
So good luck to you our new friend.... Come post - and post often - and keep us all up to date on how you are coming along. This is an awesome place full of good hearted people who will be here for you night and day with advice, kind words, etc....you get the picture.
God bless you guys....and be strong!
Oh, and ya know.... What is behind that mask is YOU. Someone beautiful....a wife, a mother, a daughter....someone that I'm sure there are a BUNCH of people in this world care deeply about. Be you - get BACK to you....I'm sure you'll be pleasantly surprised with the outcome. Believe me - it is such an AWESOME feeling when all is said and done and you have finally conquered it....keep telling yourself that, please.
I'm so sorry for what you've been going through. I can't image loosing your home and living in a trailer/battling ins or whatever is stopping you from building your new home. I imagine you must be suffering from post traumatic syndrome and I'm sure this situation is hard on your family also.
I've never used sub, but I can relate to your escalating self medicating, trying to bury your sorrows or trying to just feel good again. I abused pain killers for about 2 yrs. I didn't always have access to pills so it was on again/off again for most of the 2 yrs. I always took pretty small doses and made sure the pills lasted when I did have them. When I didn't, I was not going through withdrawal because I (fortunately) never had easy access to them.
Well that changed last summer. I have a co-worker that I'm close to and her daughter, 40, died a long death from breast cancer June 30th. This girl fought a five yr battle like no one I had ever met. We became pretty good friends though all this and I was there for her Mom through every blow by blow. I became very emotionally involved with them the months before her death.
Anyway, after she died I was helping her Mom clean out her condo and found quite a few pain pills. I didn't steal them. I asked if I could have them for my
husbands back pain. She told me to pitch what was outdated and take what I want. Well, I'm ashamed to say, I hit the motherload. There were morphine pills and liquid. Oxycontin, Oxycodone and Hydrocodone along with ativan and xanax. I felt like I just hit the lottery.
So from that day in July until I ran out in September, I was using all of the above every day. I slowed down my intake towards the end of the stash, but I did run out and experienced withdrawal for the first time. Like you, NOBODY knew of my addiction (which I didn't even think I had until the withdrawals).
My husband knew I was fond of pain pills but had no idea how much I was taking. I just couldn't tell anyone, not even my closest friends, who are pretty much my co-workers anymore. I have a few long time friends I see or talk to a few times a year.
Anyway, I wanted you to know you're not alone. Like you, I came to this board to admit my addiction and be able to talk to people about it. This was my lifeline for a long time as I had no where or no one else to talk to about it.
That was self imposed, but I still have no regrets in not spilling it to the family. My mother and daughters, co-workers, would have been horrified if they found out.
I did go through a major depression, so it's good you got the anti-depressant and have what sounds like a good doctor to help you get through this. Like Tat said, wonderful people will be here for you, so keep on posting.
Best wishes my friend,