Alright, where to begin. I probably should have posted this a couple years back. OK, in about Novemeber of 2003, I started taking vicadin and ordered it off the internet for a few years and wanted to get off of that so switched to a less expensive ultram(tramadol) probably a couple years ago or so. Now, I don't get "high" or anything like that off of ultram but take it every single day and have now every single day for a couple of years. My right kidney also hurts from taking it by the way. My dose is ridiculous. I go through about 180 fifty mg. pills every couple of weeks and take a minimum of I'd estimate 12-15 pills a day of this. Like I say, I get no high whatsoever from it anymore. I use to a little to put up with all of the morons this world has to offer. It helped me be nicer to people. I just take it now to feel "normal" or I just feel extremely weak and irriitable if I don't take it first thing in the morning. It literally is my breakfast. No joke.
I just need to get off this crap as I feel like it is effecting my body and my looks which are at the upmost of importance to me. I have to look good and of course when taking this stuff, it completely kills my appetite all day and all I usually end up wanting is McDonalds. haha. Lucky I am not a fatass right now. Hard to eat healthy when you are taking pills this way.
I want to get off it yet I know at the same time that if I had easy access to vics. or percocet, I'd take it in a second. It is just pathetic when I think of all of the money I have spent on this crap. I always got it off the internet so it is not like it is a real prescription or anything and of course, insurance isn't paying. This stuff just feels like it is holding me back and that I am hiding from life. When I eat the way I do on it, makes me almost not want to workout and then I feel even worse.
I'm reading cold turkey is the worst way to do it. I usually stop taking it at 5 PM each day but just throw a ton of them back between 9 and 5 everyday,. I seriously do not even keep track at all but it is alot. Stuff just feels like it is aging me and I know my kidney hurting is because of this crap and my skin even feels weird because of it. hard to explain. But I think with my kidney hurting, that effects my skin because the kidney keeps toxins and all of that crap out. I thought about just making my vut off time a little earlier each day to say 4, then 3, then 2 and so on but I know once I got to 2, I would probably stop.
So anyway, thats my little story and all I can think of now about this. I did a search on this topic and found a few things but most were old posts and it seems the nature of this kinda board is people who would come in and out alot.
Guess maybe I should just do that "sticky home detox" thing on the top of the page?
I have some doubts about that anyway as most products you can buy right over the counter do not even work. It is just a scam that many in this country buy into. If something works, they make it illegal or by prescription only.
It's my problem though. I got myself in it and got to get myself out of it. I have a quick metabolism. I have a feeling if I went 2 solid days without a pill, that would be the worst of it but the problem with that is I will feel so frekin weak, I will almost want to take more pills or something.
Probably but I prefer not too. What would the doctor likely do or say?? Sounds like there isn't necesarily a drug that helps with this stuff as you end up having to kick that habit too. Get rid of one drug and add another.
Actually have an appointment next Monday with her but doctors are always on a need to know basis with me. Sometimes they can over react to things and some doctors unfortunately don't have the answers but will tell you something just because they have been trained with the whatever they say goes attitude.
yes i understand what you are saying about doctors..i meant somebody familiar with addiction and withdrawels.. you are taking an awful lot of pills, you need all the help you can get instructing you how to taper.
My Friend, you are in serious trouble here. Truthfully, I shook my head a bit as I read your last post. You wrote that you keep doctors on a need-to-know basis and the truth is you need a doctor desperately and need to know that.
Self medicating with an exhorborant amount of painkillers is a dangerous, life-threatening practice. Self-diagnosing and trying to develop a plan to get off the pills without professional help is like a suicide mission. I am sure some doctors are not great, but in all honesty, how good do you think you are in medical practice? So far, you have not gotten into a good place in life with your medical self-practicing. While you worry about a doctor over-reacting, I believe you are under-reacting.
Please, your mind is full of addictive thinking... I make this statement to you because I have been there and you are there now. I am glad you have posted... take the responses seriously. Addiction is not a game; we can not roll the dice and hope our self-developed plan to get out of it works. Without a lot of help to detox and a lot work in an aftercare support of some kind, it leads to death. Addiction stops, or it leads to death. The beginning of stopping the addiction is full disclosure, total honesty, with a doctor and ourselves.
It is not my hope that my words anger you, but it is my hope that they shake you up. Something needs to or I fear where you are headed. Please come back and post.
What do you think the average doctor would say? It is not like the doctor knows all of my health and crap like that anyway. I am in above average shape and all of that. I don't fear withdrawl seizures or anything like that. I've had slight withdrawl before and just feel weak, extremely irritable, times goes extremely slow, can't talk to anyone, etc. You know it.
I can share my experiences with doctors concerning getting off opiates and benzos....
Not one, and I mean not one single one batted an eye. They did nothing but help and encourage me. I worked with my family do ctor, but let every doctor treating me know that I was withdrawing from the narcotics. Our story is so not new... only to us. Doctors hear and deal with this all the time. It is possible that becuase there was not a legitimate presciption for the Ultram that you will be referred to an addiction specialist. Not a big deal.
I tapered first off of Oxycodone and then from Xanax. It took a total of about ten months to do so. It is always hard, but if you are in good shape physically, that will be on your side. The Oxycodone taper... I dropped immediately from 12 pills a day to eight and started the taper from it there. I went into full withdrawal and it was hell. From that point on, I dropped by half tablets to start after that and gradually by smaller and smaller portions as time went by. The drops were calculated to stay around 10%-15% tapering from the Oxycodone. I was taking crumbles at the end.
As I progressed, I began to work with a licensed clinical social worker. I was adamant that I would not switch to any other drugs, so the psychiatrist had me work with her. It was immensley helpful. I learned a great deal about myself, dealt with some buried issues, and came to undertand my addiction and my behaviours in life to a much greater degree than ever before. My thinking about many things has changed.
Detoxing is but the initial part of a plan that needs to include change in ourselves. It is a time of learning to deal with life without the drugs. It is possible... hard work, but oh so possible.
I hope to see you here more. I am signing off for tonight, but I come and read often. I am wishing you all the best in this. We can all claim a drug-free, happy, healthy life if we are willing to work hard to gain it. I truly hope you are able to claim it for your very own self.
Listen to Reach, she knows what she is talking about.
I just want to add one thing. You talked about kidney pain and that you know it's from the abuse. How do you know it's kidney pain? Have you seen a doctor about that? It could be your liver and if it is kidney pain, that's nothing to ignor either. You are taking way too many meds for way too long to think you can just stop on your own. If you could, you would have by now, don't you think?
You REALLY need to see a doctor for both the addiction and the kidney pain you speak of.
I knew this was a bigger deal than it seemed. Guess I'll talk to my doctor when I go for the appt. on Monday. I don't think my tapering has to be as conservative as others; meaning taking 6 months. I dunno.
But yeah, I should tell about my kidney hurting. When I don't take such heavy doses, it doesn't bother me as much but I always sleep on one certain side because it nags at me more than outright pain. Uncomfortable kinda feeling.
I don't even like the way I feel when I am on them. Like I said, it just makes me feel "normal" but if I don't take them, I feel the whole withdrawl effects and crap. Completely sucks. I used to get energy and all off of them but not anymore. I didn't really realize me taking so many was abnormal until I looked around at what others have said.
I am going to chart how many I take from here on out though.
Really glad to see you are sticking around. Smiles.
TGO, it is a very humbling and fearful deal when we begin to deal with the fact that we have a dangerous addiction. I was rereading this whole thread and want you to know that there are many shared common things. Using because we are 'hiding from life' is something so many of us have come to recognize as a factor in our addictions. Learning how to deal with life on life's terms is the key to overcoming addiction.
It is always an emotional event when we muster up the courage and spill our guts to a doctor. We cry, sob, feel embarrassed and humiliated as we share our story. And then a wonderful thing happens... we feel a huge weight lifted from us. It is a wonderful feeling. All the nagging thoughts we have had about the problem getting bigger, all the thoughts of "I have got to stop this," are out in the open. We begin to become truly proactive in dealing with the problem and it feels good to know we are finally really and truly starting our healing. Oh, we do not feel so good about detox... it is crummy. However, what we feel great about is finally getting our lives in order. It is a time of much reflection, learning and change.
We are in different stages here on this board. Some still thinking about it, some working on it, some having found recovery and restoration. Spend time reading threads... for me, I found not only help and encouragement, but a sense of being among people who could truly understand my struggles and feelings. I found parts of me in many others' stories. It gave me hope to now others were waging the same battles as me.
I like your plan to start charting your use. It will be helpful to you to see it in black and white and will give you solid information to share with the doctor. In the first weeks of my detox, I kept a log of my dosages, times and symptoms. It gave me something in black and white to help me see that I was progressing even when I doubted it.
Stay strong in your conviction to get off the merry-go-round and find the real you again. We will be rooting for you.
Thanks, yeah from here till Monday when I have my appt. for something unrelated, I am tracking my doses. So far, today, woke up at 9:30 and it is 11 AM here and I have had 6 pills in an hour and a half.
I was reading another thread about skin feeling and looking healthier after they stopped whatever they were doing and I feel like I need that. Skin has felt kinda nasty but I am so self absorbed at times and can pick myself apart while the average person won't even notice about me what I see. So I hope it is all in my head.
Makes me sick when I thionk of all the $$ I have wasted on all of this crap.
I was thinking of getting some GHB and withdrawling that way. If no one knows what it is, it is not the "date rape" drug. That is a rumor made up by morons who don't understand things. It has tremendous sleep benefits. I mean to the point where even if you did not want to go to sleep and fought it by not laying down, you will still pass out. Very strong and works very well. No hangover, great REM. I'm ffell asleep in the weirdest places before while taking it at a noisy night club, so you can imagine how well it works
Kinda hard to get though for me right now. But it was a though. If I could just do my best to sleep nonstop for a couple days, who knows.
I haven't posted here yet but I feel a need to respond to this. I took this evil drug also for about eight months or so. I was up to about 8 to 10 a day they didn't make you high but they made you relax but also give you energy. I HAD to take them to do anything at work or at home. I withdrew from this med and it was complete total hell on earth..I don't want to scare you but it is the truth. I tapered for a while but it didn't help I had horrible withdrawls. I have recently withdrew from Lortab and I still think from my experience this was way worse...but I made it through and you can to. You have to WANT to quit and be determined to do so. This will take more determanation than you may have but you have to push through. Yes the withdrawl process sucks!!! no easy way of putting it but you need to dig down and find all the stenghth you can because this will be a battle. Yes you may fall down a couple times..I know I did but you need to brush yourself off and move forward. It does get better I know it was hard to beleive when I was going through full withdrawls but it does. Fight for your life back and don't back down stay strong and you will make it!!!