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Old 02-13-2008, 06:18 AM   #1
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bajaboats HB User
Lightbulb I have a question - please, anyone with advise

Baja Again,
Doing great,
I am worried about my dear wife.
I have put her thru quite a bit if you can imagine.

She suffers from depression also which does not help things.

Any advise on how I can help her thru this mess while I fix myself.

I have been married 20+ years and have two kids.

She is great at times and then totally frustrated with me others.

I don't blame her when she gets upset. I have been quite an idiot over the last few years. I have never cheated on her or beat her or anything like that. I have always been kind even when I was drunk.

She is afraid that she is going to be going thru this crap every few years with me now with my last problem.

I am afraid for US and trying hard to keep everything together.
Like I need more stress.

Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

Peace.
Baja

 
Old 02-13-2008, 06:37 AM   #2
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Re: I have a question for my dear friend Reach but please any others with advise

baja im not reach but i can share something here because im watching my son go thru this..We as the loved ones watching feel as if we got a huge punch in the stomach, knocking the air right out of us..everytime we think things are ok, another relapse occurs and it completely frustrates us and kinda makes us not like you guys and hate your disease because of the way it effects you, therefore it effects us. We see the changes in your personality, we see the evil twin as i like to call it come out and its ugly!! we think that if you loved us back you woudnt hurt us anymore with your addiction(stupid) we are beaten and worn down because we see what it does to you and you do it anyway.. we cant help but take it personally, even tho its your disease and has a hold over you..we get our hopes sky high and say you are doing great and then BAM another punch in the stomach...Get it...keep up the good work and give her time, her seeing you STAY clean will make her feel better eventually..i have to tell you tho im married 20+ yrs too and i think if this was my husband and not my son i would have kicked him out, sorry but it is such an emotional drain watching this..good luck baja i have great hope for you..

 
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Old 02-13-2008, 06:44 AM   #3
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kate26444 HB User
Re: I have a question - please, anyone with advise

My son & daughter in-law are going through the same thing you are. They found themselves a good addiction counselor to help them iron out all their (mostly her) hard feelings. It's been a rough, long road to go through but having a mediator to help you get through all your feelings is a great thing. She, to this day, cannot imagine anyone taking a pill or drink if they've had a rough day. It just doesn't compute. They still have a long way to go and their sessions are very emotional and draining. It's the only way they could have made it. You should think about it. Good luck! Kate

 
Old 02-13-2008, 07:16 AM   #4
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Re: I have a question - please, anyone with advise

Thanks Jules and Kate,

Yep I know what you mean jules. She feels the same way.
It really is a tough sell the second time around. She is feeling beaten down also.
She actually did not know I was having problems with the Oxy. She knew I always got the scripts for pain meds so me taking a pill never set off any alarms for her. I really functioned pretty normal for the most part but as my usage went up I started slipping.
I admitted to myself I had a problem again and sought help.

I'm an honest person and sometime wonder if I even should have admitted I had a problem to her, she never asked I just came out and told her. Instead of understanding and help I got rage. I have had to go this one alone with the exception of my Doc. and all you wonderfull people on here.

Not to help matters I live in Michigan and the economy is really bad. Money problems only add fuel to the fire.

My habbit never got to the point where I was spending the bill money on dope. I always had "buddies" that would mostly just give the stuff to me or I had a script and insurance.

We are both from broken homes and know what impact it would have on our kids.

I have suggested counseling but it was at one of her down times and I didn't press the issue. I am not going to give up on that one Kate.

I'll continue to be patient and take one day at a time and pray.
God willing I can fix this mess.

Many Thanks,
Peace.
Baja

 
Old 02-13-2008, 08:08 AM   #5
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mk7657 HB User
Re: I have a question - please, anyone with advise

Hi baja.

That is precisely what I got when I told my wife about my addiction---rage. She didn't understand it, so I had the doctor talk to her. She still won't buy into the genetic side of addiction. Being a staunch Christian, she says that it is sin that was out of control (so, I get a lot of bible verses from her to remind me of my sin). There is some truth to that statement, but you can't tell me that genetics doesn't have some play in our addiction. Roughly one-third of our family members have had addiction problems in some form, whether it is alcohol, drugs, pronogrophy... My dad and my brother both lost their lives to alcoholism. My brother was only 25 and my dad, 59.

My wife calmed down after I maintained a significant amount of time in sobriety. I hope that your wife will do the same, but everone is different. It might help if you could get her to attend an alanon meeting. Or, you could go to an aa or na meeting and have her along.

mk

Last edited by mk7657; 02-13-2008 at 08:11 AM.

 
Old 02-13-2008, 08:52 AM   #6
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Re: I have a question - please, anyone with advise

Thanks MK,

I also grew up my whole life with a family of alcoholism/drugs. When I got sober the first time I admitted to myself I had a problem and sought help from family. When I told my Mom I was and alcoholic her first response was "No your not".

Troubling because I knew I was. I did the meetings for a very long time but not long enough evadently.

I never knew any different growing up. It was a part of daily life for my parents and family members. My Dad was actually the first person to give me a drink (32oz.) of beer at 12yrs old and also the first to smoke pot with me at about 13yrs old.

I always thought this was the norm??

My wife still drinks alcohol to this day. She does not drink daily or heavily but what about the old saying "What's good for the Goose is good for the Gander"?

If we have a party at the house there is always alcohol present.

I always held strong for quite some time.
But I fell down again.

I have been under a tremendous amount of stress and started to suffer from depression.
I was having memory problems also. I went to Doc. and told the wife. They all said Stress is going to kill you.

Well one thing lead to another and I went back to the only thing (I thought) that could help me.

Initially my productivity, stress, everything was gone but I forgot about the monster inside me and he grabbed me by the butt and kicked me in the head again.

All I can do now is try and pray.
I did it before and I can do it again.

Thanks for your words,
They helped tons.

P.S. I called the shrink today to set up an apt too. Haven't been there in a while so maybe he can help. I sure he can.

Peace.
Baja

 
Old 02-13-2008, 09:01 AM   #7
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logalind HB User
Re: I have a question - please, anyone with advise

Baja:
I get the same thing from my husband baja. They just don't understand this disease they think we should just be done with it. I wish it was that easy, but its not. My husband was really helpful in the beginning of my recovery he went to a couple of meeting with me and it opened his eyes a little to the disease. Maybe that would help your wife of course there are some meetings you should attend without her so you can share whats in your heart and in case its regarding her. She also would probably benefit from Alanon, you can look it up online or in the yellowpages. Good luck.

Lori

 
Old 02-13-2008, 09:57 AM   #8
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jules3 HB User
Re: I have a question - please, anyone with advise

well i have to speak for the other side. I made it my buisness to understand this disease and i really do get it. and im telling you that once the loved one sees you being clean for a substantial amount of time they will lighten up. They need time and you need to earn back trust. as far as the alcohol in your house, you said your wife drinks what you are not getting is that most of us can have a drink or 2 and stop...why should she throw out all hr alcohol because you have a stopping problem? if you feel strongly about it than tell her and im sure she will dump it for you..listen im all for you and your recovery, you sound like a wonderful person and i know you could do it..just remember you will always be an addict/alcoholic that will never go away...so it will be a lifelong struggle...

 
Old 02-13-2008, 04:27 PM   #9
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Re: I have a question - please, anyone with advise

I hear you loud and clear Jules.

It was dificult for me when I first quit drinking but I have not desire to drink. It actually makes me phycially ill. I wasn't poking at my wifes drinking. I guess I wasn't clear about that. It is all the other drunks (Family members). I also understand that she isn't married to them and does not have the same emotional investment in them as she does me.

We both got home from work today and things are really pretty good. Nice Chatting.

We are going skiing on Thursday together.

I think it will take time like you said.

Another problem is that her brother is 38 yrs old and also an addict. Refer, Booze, Crack, Coke, Meth, Heroin, anything he can snort or smoke or shoot up. He has been in and out of jail too many times to count. He was homeless found by the police in a parking lot nude passed out one night recently. He truly hit rock bottom. He didn't even have clothing!!
He now lives with my wifes mother and refuses treatment of any kind and I have tried and tried to reach out to him because I understand but nothing. He is in denial.

My wife has been dealing with her Mom's pain dealing with her brother for 15 years.

This only make myself ONE more problem to deal with if you know what I mean. Like putting out a fire with gasoline.

I am not a stupid person and I understand my wife's frustration. She loves me very much and hates to see me hurt myself.

I blame myself for slipping back to the junk. I knew better.
I broke it now I gotta fix it.

I appreciate your feedback Jules,
You cannot offend me in any way with your words of experience and advise, Honestly. I really do listen and it helps me to understand the otherside. I have never been on the other side because I'm the addict. I guess what I'm saying is let me have it straight up if you have not already done so.

Many thanks dear, You too are a blessing.

Peace
Baja

P.S. Had an excellent day 8 movin to 9

 
Old 02-13-2008, 04:44 PM   #10
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jules3 HB User
Re: I have a question - please, anyone with advise

baja, im so glad you are doing well.. and yep i will tell you straight up..and wow i feel for your wife all the more reason YOU need to stay clean!!! Keep on.....

 
Old 02-14-2008, 02:31 AM   #11
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Re: I have a question - please, anyone with advise

Hey Jules,

I'm going to think of it just like another recovery. It will take time. I believe I will have to once again prove to her that I love her and care about her.
I don't have to be told staying clean will be paramount.

I meet her when I was 13yrs old. We never dated until after high school but I fell in love with her the day I saw her.
I remember saying when I was a kid " I'm going to marry that girl someday".

She is very beautiful and all my buddies just laughed at me.

Funny how life works out sometimes.

Thanks Jules. You are a very Sweet person and your husband is also a very lucky man.
You understanding of this stuff is great.

Peace.
Baja

 
Old 02-14-2008, 04:46 AM   #12
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Angiejr2 HB User
Re: I have a question - please, anyone with advise

Hi Baja!
Congrats on day 9! I also am on day 9!! Finally feeling good physically, my death wish is alcohol It is one kick butt disease eh? I have had many-many relapses, too many to count. I have been to 2 inpatient rehabs, they kept me sober for awhile, but like you said-stress took me back to the relief/escape that I knew---alcohol, or shall I say my disease took me back. This last relapse/binge hurt me physically---scared me badly this time, my right side was acking so badly after drinking--I knew it was my liver. I felt so awful the next day. I was vomitting (nothing new for us) but this time I threw up a bit blood---scary huh? I knew I may not have another drunk in me(old AA saying) so here I am on day 9 feeling physically better and craving that damn poison once again, not surprising, that is how this rollercoaster goes, swear it off---feel better---fall, you may know what I am talking about. I also have been married for 20 yrs, have 2 great kids and have known My husband since I was 12!! Small world! This disease has taken our spouses and kids captives, it is up to us to set them free from worry of when it will happen again, only time will do that.....sober time. It is hard-hard as hell, but I want to live, for me and my family. I hope you don't mind, can we support each other thru this board of our hardships of struggling with this---it may save both of us from pickking up. I also am doing AA meetings with my support here and other boards---we can do this Baja!!!

Be strong
~Angie
__________________
~Angie

 
Old 02-14-2008, 06:15 AM   #13
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bajaboats HB User
Re: I have a question - please, anyone with advise

Hey Angie,

Most certianly We can talk here. That is one of the things helping me big time. Like being in a meeting when I can't be in a meeting.

I know how you feel. I on my first relapse and last. I got injuried several times and got pain meds from docs. Well I have been off the booze 8 years. I know the docs says "these pills are addicitve" but they kept giving them to me and I thought I had control of my addiction problems.

Big mistake for me. I got complacent as everthing was going so well and the next thing I knew I was again in that downward spiral out of control. I was a different monster this time for me yet somehow the same. That's why I call myself and addict.

Thank God I caught it in time (I pray).

Did you get a chance to read up on PAWS?

Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome. Really opened my eyes. I wish someone would have told me about this after I got sober the first time.

I didn't suffer from PAWS or at least the symtoms of PAWS until about 4 maybe 5 years later. My stress was off the charts and I was having memory problems. When I read the symtoms I got goose bumps. It sounded just like me but it had been almost 5 years?

I the pills withdrawals were horriable. The booze I really had no problems??

Maybe that is why I got hit 5 years later or maybe I never got the issues inside of me that make me a addict addressed. I bet both.

Well,
Great job on the front NINE. The back NINE is even easier.
I'm going to do what even it takes to fix this problem. I may never beable to fix the problem of addiction but I can, I pray, Lock the monster up for life.

Life is fun. I really don't need the junk when life gets me high.

I'm in the Pink Cloud right now. When I quit drinking they said that is what it is called, The peeps at my meetings.
It won't always be pink but I sure am enjoying it.

Chime in often so we can chat.

Peace to you and Keep on Keeping On.... ( WAVIN at YOSS)

Baja.

 
Old 02-14-2008, 09:00 AM   #14
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mk7657 HB User
Re: I have a question - please, anyone with advise

Hey baja. Glad life is going well for you on the back nine!

I have never heard of PAWS lying around for four or five years before he wakes up and sinks his teeth into your will. I'm more inclined to believe that there was a significant life event or a period of time where you were trying to juggle to much "stuff" around in your life that brought on the symptoms that were similar to PAWS. Jmho, though.

After my dad passed away (we were by his bed for about 3 weeks), I had symptoms that were similar to PAWS---depression, high blood pressure, head aches, panic attacks... that lasted for quite a while. And, I had been clean for about 10 years after he died...alas, if only I had stayed that way.

God bless and stay strong,

mk

 
Old 02-14-2008, 09:44 AM   #15
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Re: I have a question - please, anyone with advise

Thanks MK,

I haven't had a death in the family but I couldn't even begin to tell you how much stress I have been under.

I had the same symtoms as PAWS. Started with memory loss and blanking out. I was even getting lost while driving in my home town. I was not using anything at that time.

I never should have got on that path again myself but we are only human. We make mistakes and hopefully learn from them. I guess I didn't learn the first time but boy I sure did this time.

Thanks for your input MK.

Peace.

Baja

 
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