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Old 02-17-2008, 08:57 AM   #1
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logalind HB User
need support

Hey guys I don't feel I am on here enough to bond with anyone, this is my fault I see how everyone relates and I feel left out (such an addict) lol. but I really wanna try. I need help I am trying to do the AA/NA thing and I am such a mess. The anxiety is making me crazy, I am trying everything I can. I feel like a prisioner in my own home, my husband told me if I ever relapsed I would have to find another place to live. So needless to say I am scared. I don't feel I can put into words how hopeless I feel and how helpless I feel. I took out some old information I had from rehab trying to calm myself down, nothing is working. I am on my way to work and needless to say I am scared. I don't want to be home but I don't want to be on the streets, for fear I will go to the hospital can anyone please help me. I want off so bad but, I don't know if this is bottom yet I don't know how to live sober but I am willing to try.

i am tried of being neurotic. Any response would be great. Love ya all.

 
Old 02-17-2008, 09:20 AM   #2
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Re: need support

You've come to the right place my dear......I don't know where I would be without this board to come to when I need advice and encouragement. What is your addiction? How long? How many relapses? Give us some more information so we can give you our knowledge and opinions. There's a lot of folks on this board who have the experience to pass on to you. If you want this bad enough, you CAN do it.........there's no "I can't"..........maybe you're scared, of course you are!! It's tough..........but it's done every single day and you CAN do it!!!!!
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Old 02-17-2008, 10:26 AM   #3
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Cool Re: need support

Welcome to the forum, we need you here as bad as you want to be here!! I am on day 9 of no drugs, weed and cocaine are my issues. I have a 25 yr. habit, and came close to losing my family because of my addiction. I made it a year then the stress of life got to me, plus i quit making my AA meetings and relapsed last week. I have to stay grounded by making my meetings , and this forum and a few others help me pass that daily call to use again. All I can say bout your bottom is you make it. If you have had enough of being controled by your drug of choice, and are ready to quit than you can. Stick with the AA and participate in the meetings. Prayers are with you and much love.....

 
Old 02-17-2008, 11:20 AM   #4
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Re: need support

Loga - Listen....you don't hafta sit here and 'bond' with everyone to be a part of the family....just by being here you already are!! Lets face it, some people feel a little more secure just kinda lurking and reading, some like to post to get their feelings out. Whichever the case, you are one of us - and not any less or any more than any of the rest of us.

Please forgive me if I'm not up on your whole story, but what is your D.O.C.?? How may and how often do you use? If it's opiates that is your demon, have you ever tried to get Sub?? It worked wonders for me whe I needed it most.... You seem like you already have it in your head that you wanna stop - now you need to muster up the strength to just do it! Yes, it's hard as hell as I'm sure you know....but life without the crap is SO much better.

So please, stick around - keep us up to date on how you're doing, and reach deep inside and find all that's good in your life - all that's worth living clean for.... If you reach deep enough, you will surely find the answers....and the strength.

God bless.

tat*

 
Old 02-17-2008, 01:44 PM   #5
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logalind HB User
Re: need support

vikes and Ultram are my D.O.C. This is my first relapse. It is hell I feel I can't tell anyone. the stresses of life are hell I was going to meetings but I stopped sharing honestly. Hid alot of my hurt cuz I felt I shouldn't feel the way I was feeling. Self will run riot. I haven't slept in a couple days and I am really feeling it. I went to work today, got that out of the way. thank God I am just waiting for 2:30 to go to my NA meeting. I gotta go and get something to eat b4 the meeting.

Thanks for your support it means the world to me.

Lori

 
Old 02-17-2008, 06:32 PM   #6
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Re: need support

Hi Lori,
That's great you are going to NA Meetings. When you are not there, read threads on this board. The people here are wonderful for support and you will not feel so alone in your struggles. One of the hardest parts of beating this addiction is learning, mentally, to live without them. Look for threads and posts by Reachout. She has the most comforting words of wisdom I think you will ever find. Hang in there, it takes some time, but things will get better.
Best wishes,
JB

 
Old 02-17-2008, 07:45 PM   #7
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logalind HB User
Re: need support

thanks for your words granny o.

If I get some sleep tonight I think I'd feel so much better. I take care of an elderly lady on Sunday morning I help her get in and out of the shower do some laundry and make her bed. She lives with her sister. She is such a sweetie I could really learn alot from her she has polio and she has lost the use of her leggs and is in a wheel chair. She does not feel sorry for herself and accepts life with a smile. She is such a beautiful spirit, I am trying to deal with life with dignity and grace like she does. I am feeling a little better right now all I am living for right now is just that right now. My meeting today was great I was really uncomfortable, a girl was talking about her dad is an addict and he is mulipulating his ER doc and she said he is trying to kill himself. That really hit home I thought if I keep doing what I am doing that could be my daughter. That was a wake up call. Talk about miracles in recovery I went to the grocery store with my husband today and ran into a guy who is a drug counselor. We had a little meeting in the market he told me he has a relapse prevention group. God could I really use that, but I didn't ask him if I could attend I am going to give him a call. I need to learn to ask for help when God brings it to me. I am trying to stay connected on the board here so please forgive me for rambling. Thanks for all your help.

Does anyone know when the anxiety will subside?

Lori

 
Old 02-18-2008, 05:17 AM   #8
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bajaboats HB User
Re: need support

Hey Loga.

You ARE in my Buddy list by the way. You are part of all of this/us.

Did you look at my post on PAWS? (Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome.)

Jules made note of this and it was very enlightening for me to research this.

I have also learned that excessive stress can cause simular symtoms of PAWS. I was clean from booze for maybe 5 years and got injured. I was put on pain meds (HYDRO) and it took almost 3 years but I got back into trouble (relapsed with pills this time) because of the stress. It is overwhelming to me and I had to make some big changes in my life.

Like other said. You have decided you want out and that is the first step.

You drove down the road to hell so just drive up the road out. You can do IT because you have done it before. We are human and fall down. Lean on anyone who will help. That what makes us Human. Helping others.

I'll send some words up to my guy in the sky for Ya.

Peace.
Baja

 
Old 02-18-2008, 06:06 AM   #9
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Re: need support

Hello Logalind

First, the anxiety... it was by far the worst symptom for me. In the beginning, it really overpowered me. I would sit or lay there and it just seemed to take over my whole being. I would sob, get up and pace, just had no control over it. Finally, I seemed to gather my senses about me again and began to do things to work through it. Instaed of pacing and moving aimlessly, I learned to get up and move with purpose. Sometimes the purpose was a small one... like go brush the teeth. Then I 'graduated' and made myself go wash the hair, go do some dishes, fold laundry, vacuum. Pretty mindless things, but enough to take the thoughts off the anxiety. I also would make myself breathe slow and steady. I often had to remind myself to do the breathing, but it always, always helped. The anxiety seems to last different lengths of time for each of us. However, it does abate and torments us less and less as days go by. It will hit less frequently and with less intensity. We help it move out of us more quickly the more we get physical and the more we practice breathing. It is a hateful symptom, but be assured that each day will be a bit better. Also, the more we work it to help it pass, the more tired it makes our bodies. Exhaustion will make us sleep. I took the sleep whenever it came... sometimes a nap and that would do so much to restore me for the next round.

I know you have feelings of hopelessness and helplessness. That is the depression, Sweetpea. Recognize it for what it is... depressive thoughts and feelings. Fight them! You are so not helpless or hopeless! Even now you are fighting back as you seek help. Even while your brain is telling you that you are helpless, you are proving those thoughts wrong! It is important to recognize this. Really important. The turmoil of the thoughts is like two opposing forces... know that while the depressive thoughts can be strong, they are not stronger than you fighting. Eventually, the brain accepts the capable thoughts as the winner and it all gets easier.

I hope you folllow through and call that man you bumped into in the store. God slips angels into our paths in all forms. Look for them and know they are sources of help for you. We need a firm handle on aftercare and what our resources for that are. meetings, counselors, the board... never settle for one resource. Use every single one that is possible. A sometimes overlooked resource is our very own self. It is within ourselves the reasons why we abused, misused, or relapsed. Spend time reflecting quietly and discover the reason within yourself. For me, I was hiding from life. Or making a lame attempt to anyway. I finally realized that, accepted it, and then worked hard to change it. Life was not going to change its ebb and flow, so I had to change mine if I wanted to be a part of it. I had to stop hiding and learn once again how to live, really live, with the good, the bad and the ugly. Sometimes it is still a challenge for me, but I don't hide from it anymore. We learn new coping skills. or maybe regain the skills we once had. Either way, I now sometimes have to deal with the bad, but in turn, I get to fully experience the good, too. Balance. I have balance in my life again and it is good.

Stay near the board, Logalind, as you can. We connect and reconnect easily here. Like you and me... a reconnection. Smiles.

Stay strong, fight hard
reach

 
Old 02-18-2008, 06:35 AM   #10
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logalind HB User
Re: need support

Baja your the best thanks so much. I am having trouble with positive thoughts, but I am gonna fake it until I can make it. I am forcing positive thoughts, to make myself feel better.

Reach:
My angel I have been looking forward to chatting with you. You have such insight to our disease. I am trying to keep an open mind its hard, but I am gonna try. Anxiety and sweats are bad but I keep praying and I am trying to write down all I am feeling so I can get rid of it. I keep telling myself I have to chase this like I chased my drugs. I will reread your post when I feel weak thanks for being there for me.

Love ya,
Lori

 
Old 02-18-2008, 06:52 AM   #11
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bajaboats HB User
Re: need support

Hey Lori,

I just wanted to say I prayed to God to help me thru this. When when I was in W/D's.
I still pray constantly but today I went outside, looked up into the sky and said Thanks to God with a smile on my face and not tears this time. We actually did it but I know there is still work to be done.

I also asked for strengh to keep on keepin on, but I had to say thanks.

Also a special thanks to everyone here. A true blessing.

Reach is an angel who has been sent to me also.

Hang in there, Trust me. It won't last forever. It might feel like it but just remember that feeling if you think about slipping. Slipping will just make it last longer.

Hot bath or shower, drink lots of water, Calcium and Magnesium for the achy bone. Eat food too. your body needs food to heal from the damage. I take lots of suppliments and I think it helped. I also took 1 tblsp of vinegar and 1 tblsp of honey twice a day. I guess it will help balance you PH in your body. I learned all this from my friends here on this board.

Keep yourself busy and hang in there. You can do IT.

Your in My convoy on the road out and we ain't leaving no one behind.

Peace.
Baja

 
Old 02-18-2008, 07:17 AM   #12
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Re: need support

Hi Logalind

Are you deep breathing? Slow, steady, concentrated breaths? I hope so. Smiles.

Logalind, the anxiety you are feeling now is from a physical source... withdrawal. The same for the depression. However, I really believe that there is underlying mental anxiety and depression that often leads us to use, abuse, become addicted. Anxiety and depression that we were not dealing with when drugs fell into our path however they did and became a gateway to hiding, a place of forgetting, not thinking. We must discover what the heck we are running from that causes us to get to the point of addiction, that causes relapse. If we do not discover what prompts us, what lies in our subconscious to send us back to that false haven of using, then relapse is bound to occur.

Do you know what you fear in life? Do you have any idea why you seek a place out of reality? What was happening when you relapsed? When life brings up issues, we go into a fight or flight pattern. When we don't know how to cope is when we are most apt to take flight into relapse and the hiding place drugs offers. Somewhere, somehow, we have to develop better coping strategies or relapse is just a moment away. Of course, withdrawal is a tough time to start working on this discovery, but it is also probably the best time. It is sure an impetus to get to the root of our problem before we find ourselves back in the hideous rut of using. For me, I needed professional help to help me discover the root of my own anxiety and depression. every addict does because we did not progress to the point of understanding on our own.

I still have times in my life when I feel a great need to hunker down and hide from life for a while. The difference now is that I no longer have any cravings to use drugs to do it. I need that time out, but I find it now in getting some rest and then tackling whatever the issue is. If I get stuck for any length of time ( more than a day or two), I get proactive seeking help. Maybe I talk to family or friends, maybe I see my doctor. Whatever, I get active helping myself out of it.

Try to spend some time getting to know yourself better. Think about your behaviour when a trying time comes. Then try to think what prompts the behaviour. Once we can do that, great growing and change will come.

Well, today I have a mound of paperwork concerning disability that I really want to hide from. I have hidden from it for 24 hours already. However, today is tackle time. I will take it in baby steps. I will do three or so pages of it today and then remember that tomorrow is another day. Tomorroww I will tackle three more pages. Those baby steps.... now that is a tool that continues to serve me well! Chuckles. I will go in baby steps and not allow myself to get frustrated to the point of needing to hide. Learning, always learning and practicing.

Manana
reach

 
Old 02-18-2008, 03:25 PM   #13
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logalind HB User
Re: need support

Hey guys I called a sub doctor today and she called me back were playing phone tag. My girlfriend texted me and wants me to go to another meeting tonight I went to one this am I know if won't kill me. Ok I need to vent sorry I am a home healthcare worker for the ederly my patient asked me to get her some pot. She said because she is out of vicodens she wants to try and smoke some weed. OMG I just laughed it off and said nothing. I am mad at myself for not saying no! I really feel bad for her cuz she's in pain but I am not willing to do this.

2nd vent is this a friend of mine went on a job interview that I was suppose to go on but, couldn't cuz I got called into work and she got the job. Ok I am happy for her and all but, I really needed that job. Ok I know I am being selfish but, I'm still upset. I just needed to get that off my chest so now I can ask for forgiveness for being so selfish. My friend needs that job just as much as I do. God I hate being an addict, I can't believe how selfish I can be. Maybe I should really rethink that meeting because that is really selfish of me to think I deserve it more than her. I had to get that off my chest thanks so much for letting me vent. Hope everyone is having a good day. Take care.

Lori

 
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