Blind addiction leading the Blind - Addiction & Recovery Message Board

mamaofaddicted · 03-15-2008, 01:56 PM

Mother of 32 year old, who is currently addicted to crack. He is bipolar and undergoing legal issues from abuse which he allegedly dealt to an old girlfriend. Took guilty plea and awaiting sentencing in 6 weeks. In the meantime (remember, I'm his mother) he holds down a job, but spends all of his money on his drug. I am currently laid off, financially supporting the home, but so far not collecting unemployment. He is not the same great guy that I raised. His little brother (my youngest son, at age 6) was abducted on January 26, 1990 He has taken to petty theft (some of which may not be so petty) in his spare time, just to stay high. When he is high, he is suddenly so sorry for all he has put me through, the screaming, the yelling and name calling, not to mention the lies. He suddenly breaks down into tears, claims he tries so hard to stay straight, but he just can't do it. He is in a legal position, where if the courts know that he is an addict, they may pursue a longer sentence for him....He is to report to probation in 5 days...he is terrified, yet he cannot stay off of the drugs. In the meantime...He cries, he asks me for help, but fights me with every piece of advice I try to give him. He has no money...I have no money....He is desperate and digging himself a buriel ground......There is so much more....I mention rehab...it stresses him out (the thought that he will be in there and then in prison right afterwards) he then goes to get high to calm himself...hence, the vicious circle...he now cries and asks for help again....and ohhhhhhhhh so sorry.....I've dialed many many many numbers and help lines...no one has any answers. They suggest rehab (fine) but he must apply for medical assistance first..he's an addict...getting him to do anything that is not revolved around the drug is IMPOSSIBLE. Yet, I know him and he desperately wants help.....HELP.

SpinalMalady · 03-16-2008, 06:45 AM

Hi Mama:

Oh how I feel your pain. I see my brother's manipulation of my parents in everything you wrote, except for the fact that it wasn't drugs, it was alcohol. I watched it slowly kill my father because of the stress, and him die an early death (age 68) because of it.

My parents and siblings enabled my brother for years. (I am the baby of 7

) He started drinking in Jr. College and was a functional alcoholic until the last 10 or so years of his life. He held down a job, but it was not a fun life. He lost marriages, children, and after the family went through family counseling and learned about co-dependency and were no longer willing to support his destructive behavior, he turned to stealing in order to buy his alcohol. We are so lucky that we never had to attend the funeral of someone else's life that he took when he chose to drink and drive. Thank the Good Lord for that. We buried him at the age of 33.

Drug addiction turns otherwise wonderful people into master manipulators. I strongly suggest you find alanon, as they can be a wonderful support group. One of the things that I found within that wonderful group of people, is that someone understood what I was going through. Someone had been there before me, (sadly). I was young, and I was angry because I was a Daddy's girl. I saw what it was doing to my parents physically. Being the last child, my parents were not young when they had me, therefore, I was VERY angry at the toll the entire situation was taking on my parents health.

Learn how to say NO. Let him suffer the consequens of probation, and if it comes down to it, jail. Let him know that you love him, but will not tolerate his behavior. Either tell him, or write him a letter of how all of this is affecting you, your health, and what your fears are for him. Let him know what the consequences of his behaviors are if he continues using. AND then, if he does continue using, STICK by what you said!!! Drug/alcohol abusers manipulate us because they hear us threaten what we will "do" if someone continues to use, and then won't stand by that threat. It may mean being remeoved from his life for a while, (at least until he gets on the right path).

Sorry to be so long winded. I just hate to see the negative effects of drugs/alcohol on friends and family because I have been there to see what happens to those who aren't using, and it really can "age" the parents.

Good luck to you. I will keep your son, and all of the others on this board in my prayers.

mamaofaddicted · 03-16-2008, 10:27 AM

Hi MALADY,

Thank you so much for your advice. One of my problems in all of this is that I keep seeing Archie Bunker's face

(Carrol Oconnor) when his son finally took his life, stand up on tv and say..."Get between your children and drugs EVERY way you can"

. He said that he prayed that he had to do it all over again. That his child became a low statistical number when he killed himself

and that was unexceptable to him. He wished that he had done more to help his son...gotten involved....held him hostage...something. But instead, he waited it out and his son, took his own life

.
I mentioned breifly that my youngest son was abducted at age 6

. That has been a deep wound for many years (18 long years). Don't wish to get off topic, except to say, that I am not willing to sacrifice another child

to this world. In honor of Carroll in the best interest of the love I have for my son, I have done some pretty crazy things. I recently followed him to 2 seperate drug dealers, waited until he went in, got his drug, then left. I then went to their doors and knocked. I told them that I knew who they were and if they kept selling the drugs to my son I would have them busted. 5 days later, the first one moved and refuses to sell the drugs to my son

. The second one, it did not phase. I have telephoned the DEA, the local police and the state police at Fern Ridge. They have sworn that they would do something. I even knew the vehicle of the "BIG" drug dealer that delivered the drugs to the park where the dealers picked it up and what time of day. Still, the police did nothing

.
Still, to be fair, I have to assume, that the departments, get these kinds of calls every day from ticked off spouses, friends, etc. and that because of my sons bad behaviors, I too probably suffer a bad rep. However, it is a start and the drug dealers get paid well enough to afford legal help when they get busted. It's the addicts that seem to suffer the long term effects of the "Dealers" actions, especially the dealers that are clean and sober and make a conscious decision to deal drugs for a living.
I must look at this with different eyes. I have known my son for 32 years. I have suffered the loss of my youngest with him for the past 18 years. My son, was and is a good man. His newly found behaviors induced by the allure of the drug is what I cannot tolerate. My plea is for a direction to take that will help him get back on track...NOT DIE. Not with the risk of death (he does that enough with the drug) shall I walk away from my son. I agree, enabling him is not healthy and I shall do my best to prevent that at almost all costs. I agree that some people have a "rock bottom" but I also believe some people have no bottom. This to me is the dead victims of addiction which I cannot accept as a result for my son. I am his mother and no one knows him, or loves him as I do (and as many many others feel about their own)- I pray to find resources that can help me..."Get between my CHILD and DRUGS-EVERY way I can"

I have great empathy for the trematic effects of your brothers behaviors on your life. I am positive that because of his behaviors (and those of my son) the two of us and many unfortunate others, will bear the burden of the long term results when the ball finally drops and I am so sorry that the ball dropped and cost your brother,

his life. Granted, luckily no one else went with him. But still, that sadness you must have. My prayers are with you and yours forever and thank you so much for sharing your experiences with me with your heart.
God Bless you with everything you do.
Mama

arlingtonaddict · 03-16-2008, 11:46 AM

Mama,

You MAY be able to appeal to his probation officer and/or the court (if he has a public defender you could have him do it -- if not, YOU CAN). Often courts will offer jail time OR LONGER-TERM rehab. This would give him a lot of time to get his bearings (sp?).

Also, I am not sure where you are BUT there is a WINDERFUL treatment program in MD -- Father Martin's. It is a 30 day Tx that will then assist/arrange long-term sober living etc. It is quite expensive BUT they have a scholarship program for people like you son. I attended and it saved my life. Several years later, I arranged for a homeless individual (I am a pychologist that works with the homeless) to go on scholarship. They have a 24-hour ... uh... I wouldn't call it a 'hotline' ... well, YES, I"d say it quyalifies as a hotline and they may also be able to give you other options.

I am so very sorry for your pain and I WELCOME you here.

arlingtonaddict · 03-16-2008, 11:48 AM

PLEASE NOTE: in respect of message board rules, my post should not serve as a director of your decisions, I only meant to advise you of several options.