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Old 04-03-2008, 03:41 PM   #1
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My name is Dave and I'm a crackhead

Well...first day clean in 18 mos and I'm having some hardcord cravings...What makes it tough is that I live alone and my friends have all been addicts of one sort or another...makes it very tough to do this alone...I'm goin a little nuts and just aching to call my dealer...can someone just post back...PLEASE! I need help...but my self employment prevents me from going inpatient...I make the money and therein lies the problem...I acknowledge freely that I have a problem...I know I'm suppressing the pain...but I don't know why. I can't understand what I'm trying to hide from. I had a great Mom and Dad...I had a great wife...and well...<removed>..here is the story...I used to freebase with my cousins years ago in the 80s...coke was big then and we thought it was no big deal...I stopped though...and didn't touch crack..(did powder on occasion, new years etc) until 2005. I was at a friend's surprise birthday party and my buddy took me to this house...didn't even know what I was doin there...was drunk...(never had a drinking problem) and took 2 hits off the stem. It was progressive...I kept telling myself I had it under control....still making my sales...went to Cabo San Lucas in 2007 on vacation...but was still getting high on crack every day and smoking pot. I quit the pot in Jan 08....again..no alchohol issues...but the crack...<removed>k...I wanted to share my story so I could some support...these urges are so damn strong....just uncontrollable...but I thought if I shared my story I could get some support from others who have been thru it...Thanks everyone....

Last edited by mod-anon; 05-02-2008 at 05:33 AM. Reason: watch your language on the Boards.

 
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Old 04-03-2008, 03:53 PM   #2
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Re: My name is Dave and I'm a crackhead

How about trying an outpatient program...there is lots and lots of help out there, you need to look for it.

 
Old 04-03-2008, 04:03 PM   #3
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Re: My name is Dave and I'm a crackhead

I am proud of you!!! You need to get some support. Very important. Get to an NA meeting....go every nite...........whatever makes you comfortable. if you don't like the first one, go to another. They are all over!!! Get to one! it will save you. You need to be around people who have been where you are!! you will be amazed, I promise!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!; )
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Old 04-03-2008, 04:36 PM   #4
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Re: My name is Dave and I'm a crackhead

Thanks...I appreciate it...I am searching right now for a meeting close by...The craving went away but <removed>...it took all I had to resist picking up the phone and calling my dealer....tough stuff aint it...gettin clean...thought I had all the self discipline in the world...LMAO...thanks for your support.

Last edited by mod-anon; 05-02-2008 at 05:34 AM. Reason: watch your language on the Boards.

 
Old 04-03-2008, 05:30 PM   #5
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Re: My name is Dave and I'm a crackhead

Try this: when you feel that feeling creeping up on you. close your eyes and ask your higher power to take that urge and feeling away............you will actually feel it leave you!!!!!!!!!!! do it every time!!!!!
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Old 04-03-2008, 09:30 PM   #6
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Re: My name is Dave and I'm a crackhead

Dave --- 20 years ago I watched my big brother as a fullblown alcoholic and I said to myself that I wanted to go 1 year without drinking...just to know I could do it.

I know this sounds awful but you are in a position where niceties probably don't help. All of my friends, too, drank - they were my complete and total friends network. Not wanting to just stay home with the parents, I used to volunteer to be the designated driver. I was/am hardcore about not driving under the influence, so I knew I could stay sober if others' rides home were at stake.

The thing is, Dave, is I got this sadistic kick out of seeing what a-holes they were drinking (and then realizing how much of one I had probably been, too). So I'm not recommending you hangout with them and be their desig driver (!), but I am recommending aversion therapy --- try to picture any/all negatives in your friends while they're high (or not, whatever works)....

Stay near this board and keep posting. Not one person will roll their eyes--- to the contrary we'll keep an eye out and wonder "how's Dave doing - anyone heard from him?"

We don't know you but we care --- so I have to believe those who know you do, too. Reach out to them if you feel you can. You can do this, Dave. You have a purpose for being here and writing that post.

 
Old 04-03-2008, 09:51 PM   #7
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Angry Re: My name is Dave and I'm a crackhead

Well...I fouled up again...used tonite and feel really horrible about it...all the feelings...I'm goin to find an NA meeting...around here...I cannot do this by myself....I have to find people near me so that when the urges come I have a coping strategy...I just don't understand myself...I'm an intelligent college graduate who used to manage a group home for abused and neglected kids in the 90s........why am I hurting myself...I searched my soul tonite to try and understand why I'm medicating...I can't think of anything...except that at age 41 (later this month) I'm divorced and have no family left...except for one loving sister and a nephew in jail. I'm not asking for sympathy...I just wanted to be completely and brutally honest here...I'm an idiot with intelligence who can't go it alone anymore...wish me luck..becoz I'm gonna need it...also..flint..thanks for the higher power thing...It almost worked today...but I enabled and rationalized myself so I could use...unreal isn't it...Going to NA tomorrow...I'll keep everyone here up to date...thanks for the posts..it helps...and I mean that....

Last edited by mod-anon; 05-02-2008 at 05:35 AM. Reason: watch your language on the Boards.

 
Old 04-04-2008, 02:53 AM   #8
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Re: My name is Dave and I'm a crackhead

Hello davemax67,

You probably have your dealers number stored in your cell phone; delete it.

Remember the pain that using drugs has created; not to mention the collateral damage.

Divorced.....any children?

Please take heed to this bit of advice:no excuses.

Do not let your addiction tell you that it is impossible to get into a rehab facility because there are many avenues to use.

Go to the emergency room and explain your situation.

Now is not the time to equate pride into your situation, for it will surely prevent you from progress.

How bad do you want to be drug free?

I ask that because it is now time to face the music.

In recovery, things are black and white, with little room for the grey areas.

Get busy living, not dying; every time you use, you are subjecting yourself to a slow death both physically and mentally.

You need to seek help; not now but right now.

Are you tired of beating yourself up; if so, it is time to take action.

I wish that I could "soft soap" this but the personal horrors that I subjected myself to in the past and my responsive duty to myself will not allow me to do so.

It may be a bit much to absorb at one time; living life on life's terms and living for today while letting tomorrow take care of itself when it comes.

For the next 24 hours, know that you have choices and are not worthless.

Do not worry so much of society labeling you a "crackhead" and concentrate on labeling yourself "crackless."

The road to recovery is different with each individual because it is paved with personal experiences.

We care enough to help; are you willing to accept what we have to offer?

Be good to yourself.

Respectfully,

Phoenix

***If you read through this post and were able to do so drug free, look at this as a positive; life in and of itself can overshadow with negatives constantly. Stop to smell the roses.***

Last edited by Phoenix; 04-04-2008 at 07:35 AM. Reason: spelling

 
Old 04-04-2008, 04:02 AM   #9
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Re: My name is Dave and I'm a crackhead

hi Dave,

I dont post much, but I felt compelled to write to you. It may not seem like it, but you are a lot stronger and more intelligent than most people who smoke crack, or dont smoke crack for that matter. You are here, admitting a problem, and asking for help. Takes a big man to do that. If I could offer any advice, it would be this..........Write everyday on here or in a diary, and write alot. Write everything on your mind, no matter whether you think its silly or not. Hold nothing back. You are anonymous, so let it out. Sometimes getting everything out on the table really takes a burden off, and it definnitely softens the blow of withdrawal. It will also occupy your mind. Instead of out searching for it, or having some and smoking it, you are writing about it. Maybe this sounds nuts to alot of people, but it has worked for so many, and I believe you are ready to try anything. These people on this board are so amazing dave. They care, and want to see you succeed. So do I..........................Rob

 
Old 04-04-2008, 07:45 AM   #10
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Re: My name is Dave and I'm a crackhead

Thanks Rob...I'm going to my first NA meeting at noon today...I'll let you know how it goes...

 
Old 04-04-2008, 08:05 AM   #11
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Re: My name is Dave and I'm a crackhead

hey dave. welcome.

ive had my share of trouble with that particular demon in my past as well. crack is the one drug that can really send you downhill faster than a speeding bullet, huh?
Besides going to the meetings and sharing with people just like you, my advise would be to "think things through" think that urge through to the first hit, the rest of the night, then the following morning. and remember, that a craving will always go away if you ride it out. promise.

good luck, keep posting,

michelle

 
Old 04-04-2008, 08:24 AM   #12
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Re: My name is Dave and I'm a crackhead

Thanks Michelle...I know I can't do this alone anymore...I'm in sales...and I learned but didn't apply what Stephen Covey says...at first we are dependent...then we become independent...but many never learn that we have to become interdependent...we cannot go it alone and have the kind of life we want...I thought I could handle this thing...I thought by watching shows like A & E's Intervention and movies like 28 days et al...I could build the rationale not to use...LMAO...yeah right...The urge comes and I'm like a lab rat...right thru the maze to the prize...although in this case the prize is death. I'm done and realize that I have to change one thing: EVERYTHING!!!!! I want to try this program...I know it's a twelve step program...and I used to laugh about 12 step programs...talk about life smacking you upside the head...I need to find out why I'm doing this...I'm a successful businessman...I have a decent life...I never had any problems in the past with alcohol, pot, coke (powder), hell I even snorted heroin. But crack is the demon...Thanks everyone..I know I ramble but I need this to help me sort out my solution....I don't want to relapse...1st day clean in 25 years....Wish me luck...

 
Old 04-04-2008, 08:28 AM   #13
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Re: My name is Dave and I'm a crackhead

Thanks Phoenix...everyone here has been really great...I had no idea...I really didn't know an online community like this existed for an individualistic <person> like myself...Your right...NO EXCUSES!!!!! It's time to get better..headed to my very first NA meeting in 15 minutes...and you know something...I can't wait.

Last edited by mod-anon; 05-02-2008 at 05:37 AM. Reason: watch your language on the Boards.

 
Old 04-04-2008, 01:28 PM   #14
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Re: My name is Dave and I'm a crackhead

Hello davemax67,

Stop degrading yourself.

I hope that your first NA meeting proved useful.

Take the body and the mind will follow, in due time.

All the best,

Phoenix

Last edited by mod-anon; 05-02-2008 at 05:37 AM. Reason: removed quote

 
Old 04-04-2008, 02:00 PM   #15
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Re: My name is Dave and I'm a crackhead

yeah, dave, i get it. i REALLY do. i used to smoke crack to keep me awake when i did too much heroin. made perfect sense at the time... LOL
we do need others. i finally got sober with the help of AA. couldnt have done it without them.

how was your first meeting?

wishing you nothing but the best !!!

michelle

Last edited by mod-anon; 05-02-2008 at 05:38 AM. Reason: removed quote

 
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