Did I say just day 6???
Man,I thought I'd never make it this far.Lets put it this way,I havent made day 6 in a long,long time. I feel so great! I've been up since 2 am,not sleeping great, but legs are just seeming to finally relax...Got up,took at hot bath at 3am,drove the hour and change into work...5 am and I'm here all by myself...*lol*
My head is soooo clear...I've been in a fog for so long....I am not feeling ANY urges to use...detoxing was absolute hell,dont want to go thru THAT again....
I keep thanking my God for keeping me clean another day....and asking for help to stay clean today...
Oh, I'm not spending large amounts of money,either...*lol*
It's hard to believe how much money and effort goes into addiction...Maybe I can start some real savings now...take care of the family better than I have been....
Maybe today will be better than yesterday.Yesterday was pretty stressful.
I'll peek in later.Everyone have as good of a day as you can,ok?
Hey Jerry --THAT IS AWESOME. I remember those days. You are OVER the hump and the sleep will come. I remember everyone telling me that at day 6-12 and I was like YA RIGHT!! lol. Keep doing the right things. Have you been to a meeting yet? They really help. They are the reason I have not relapsed this time. I will chat more later --5:00am WORK!!! yuck. You are the man!
"1 is too many and 1000 is not enough" -
Meddguy,I feel great.Today is another stressful one, but that goes w/ my job...so be it.
I feel like I'm doing the right things,but no,no meetings...
I actually used to go a long time ago,and they did help, but my kind of dilemna with that is that we've moved, and I have an hour and fifteen minute ride to work each way...I am way out in the country in Maine...
For now at least I'm going to just keep doing what I'm doing.Concentrating on staying clean,keeping my nose in my work, hangin' w/ the family...good,solid stuff. i just need to stay away from the bad places...but like I said b4,this time just feels right....the other times were kind of half-assed...
I FEEL SO GOOD!
thanks,man. Proud of you,too. good job.
Buddy.. a suggestion: How about working the Big Book at home? And finding an online meeting that will fit your schedule? Also, one on one counseling did (and is) so much good for me.
It is such hard work getting, and staying, clean. The work is easier, and more concrete, when we have real, live people to interact with. I really hope you can include some live sources in your aftercare plan. Very important!
Jerry, I didnt realize in my own delimia that you too were so fresh into your detox! You give me such wise words to know that what I am going thru is "normal". I feel as I have found a friend and I thank you. My day is NOT good. Sneezing and the shivers and of course the feeling of doom. Man this really bites! I though that if I tapered it would help but obviously for me tapering only prolonged the detox. thanks to all for your kind words..and way to go Jerry!!
Vicky,you're welcome. I really hope you're doing well this morning. Hang in there! Reach, as always,thank you,too. Time seems to be an issue right now. Maybe I'm doing it to myself, but I'm just trying to stay real busy. I mean,here it is,just b4 5 am and I am already at work. I kind of like this time the best,tho. Is quiet,as I'm the only one here. Just not sleeping. I dont need to be here at 5, believe me, but if I'm up, well, might as well be productive.
Well,its been a week. Day 7. I'm so exhausted from not sleeping. I doze for awhile and wake up at all hours of the night, then cant fall back asleep.
Between not sleeping and being freshly detoxed, I just have no energy. I'll be glad when that changes.
It's kind of nice not chasing the stuff. Not hiding anything. Not spending everything on drugs. I wasnt sure if this day would ever come. When yer using, you're not thinking about being clean. Maybe in the back of your mind you tell yourself how nice it would be, but forget it as soon as you do another fix.
I feel ok overall. Real tired. Stressed at work. Keeping very busy is helping,I think. Not as much time to think about any bad things. Right now at least I actually do not want any drugs.
I worry about tomorrow,though. Or the next day. Or what about even 6 months from now, or a year from now...I do worry about that alot.
I mean,today feels great. 7 days clean, right? This is better than I've done in so,so long. I just know how my life has been over the years of using so I really worry. I can tell myself that I am not ever going to use again, but just from past experience I worry.
I guess the bottom line is that I am clean right now. For now at least I have to stay on the small time thing, and hour or a day at a time.
It does feel so good,tho, to be able to say that after all this time,
RIGHT NOW I AM CLEAN AND HAVE NO CRAP IN MY BODY.
Sorry,didnt mean to yell. Posting here helps me think things through...I think sometimes I am posting as much to myself as I am to others...wierd.
Ok,I've been sitting here for 15 minutes now getting this stuff out of my head. I sincerely hope you all are doing as well as you can and have as good of a day as you can. I'm gonna bury my nose in my work now.
Ah, Jerry, the difficulty with the sleep issues is tough, really tough. I can only promise you that it will get better, but can be a torment while it still escapes us. It is going to be a gradual thing... it starts to regulate itself again as the brain readjusts to handling affairs on its own. Something that did help me, though, was maintaining a rigid schedule and routine concerning sleep. I would do certain things at certain times to help the brain get retrained. One biggie for me was to force myself off off the computer by 8 PM and let the brain start to unwind (although sometimes I would be back on in the middle of the night if I had spent too much time trying to fall asleep). I would take a hot bath at the same time each night and then try to watch TV with the lights down low in the room. At 10:30 or so, I would take one 3mg Melatonin ( this is the stuff our brain produces naturally to signal that it is nearing time to sleep). Within an hour, I would force myself to turn off the TV and close my eyes. I trained the old brain pretty well as I still pretty much follow this routine and sleep most nights all the way through. I have caught myself slipping lately and staying on the computer too late and sleep takes longer to come, so I have to get back to a solid routine again.
Like you, I also had a lot of exhausted energy ( what a contradiction in terms, huh????). For many months during the long tapers, there was a high degree of anxiety that forced me to keep moving even though I was exhausted. Unlike you, I didn't have a job and the excess energy was making me crazy. So I started going to my son's house and cleaning and doing laundry like a maniac. 6-8 hours a day. It was not work that taxed my brain and it would exhaust the body until I would be able to get some sleep mid-day. Then in the evening, I would walk as much as I could handle. then go on the computer and follow the night time routine. I did these things to survive... it was the only way I could keep the anxiety at bay.
So, on to another topic. Smiles. At the risk of nagging, we have got to get some aftercare program in place here. Jerry, you are already at the point of aftercare! Do you realize that, Buddy? You have accomplished detox and it is time to move forward into recovery as your body and brain are restoring themselves already! As the physical recovery is happening, it is time to start the thinking restoration. Did you know that you can read the AA Big Book online? It can also be ordered on line for less than $20... that is less than my script used to cost. Seems like a good, inexpensive investment, huh? As you work the Big Book, you could folow up the work with online meetings, which take place all week as well as on the weekends. I know you run a rugged schedule with all the commute time to and from work, but a therapist appointment can be made near work or near home and incorporated into your schedule, just like you would have to get to doctor's appointments if you had any other ongoing disease. And of course, continue your relationship with God!
Okay, I absolutley recognize that I am nagging here. I will stop with the hope that this week you incorporate at least one solid piece of aftercare into your life. You have run the race already and won.... time to claim the victor's prize as your own for good.
Stay in touch, stay strong, stay hopeful
Yeah, the sleep thing...*lol*
Is a vicious circle right now,because I get up waaaay too early, since I'm not sleeping,and go to work, which leaves me exhausted later on during the day, so I try and go to bed early, only to wake up and do the same thing all over again. I know deep down it'll even out, is a time thing.
Now,the aftercare thing....much,much tougher for me. Why do I almost seem to be rebelling against it? I think I feel almost too proud sometimes, you remeber my rebellious nature some months back,if anyone does...*lol*
I feel like I shouldnt bother other people with this, that I should be able to do it on my own, like I should be strong enough myself...Reach,after years and years of being a drug addict I know that this is not the case and I am weak and cant control myself or I wouldnt be here in the first place.
I need to seriously think thru this and see what might be the best solution for ME.
I obviously cant do it on my own, or like I said, I wouldnt be here.
I'll look into reading some online for now. I live so far from everything now it would take me an hour to drive to a meeting and I just dont want to take the time away from getting my butt home at the end of the day.3 little girls and wifey at home. I'm gone so much just for work now as it is...
damn,am I rebelling again...I know I need to do something. let me think thru this.
Im not trying to sound harsh, I just care.... but, you need to put as much work (and i do too) into your recovery as you did into finding, buying, and using drugs. I promise if you can do that, you'll be ok. I know, because thats how i did it the first time, and i stayed sober for 5 and a half years. as soon as i forgot that i was an addict, and put a pill in my mouth (prescribed for pain) without telling anyone i had a script i was back in the middle of my addiction.
God, i just dont want that to happen to you. A wife and THREE girls !!! Wow, thats soooo awesome. God has really blessed you.
Im gonna say a really huge prayer for you tonight. Im so proud of you for making it this far, what a HUGE HUGE step !!!
Michelle, Day 8!
Thanks for checking in on me. My body is still crap.My head is great, but the no sleeping and still having RLS and some general all over body aches sux, but this just tells me that after 8 days of totally clean that boy, am I an addict if I still feel like *****..*lol*
I didnt want to answer you yesterday about the putting as much time into being clean as I was putting into being a druggy loser...I actually laughed when I saw that, because I thought to myself that there is no way I can put that kind of effort into being clean...do you have any idea how much time and effort I put into my addiction...and $$$....is mind boggling when you look back.
I know I need to do more. For right now I am staying away from all who use, praying regularly and just trying to bury my nose in my work and focus,focus,focus.
I know this is dangerous and very very scary.
On another note,yes,God has truly blessed me. We ( my wife,3 daughters,6,9,12...) and my lab live in a beautiful area out in the backwoods of Maine. It really is beautiful. I consider myself extremely lucky. I'm so glad winter is leaving,tho! 130 inches of snow this winter at my house. I cant wait till I can till the ground for my big garden. So great for my head.
Another new day filled with good things. I read about the planning of your garden. That is becoming a renewed delight for me this year. We only have a small piece of property with our house, but we plant a few small gardens and I am looking forward to it so much this year! We have 3 flower gardens and two vegetable gardens and plant herbs and spices in planters on the deck. The herbs are pretty much for me because they are easy to get to to tend on the deck. I am even going to look into how to dry them for the first time. It feels so good in my head to find this passion for my time. I actually think about it a lot. Chuckles. I even bought a garden bench that maybe will allow me sit and bend over to do some work in the other gardens, although Hubby takes the most responsibility for them. A few years ago, I was feeling so low in spirit and decided to try and do some gardening. I sat down on the ground and scooted along weeding as I went. Felt great, but a big mistake. I couldn't for the life of me get back up! My bad leg was shot from staying in that position for so long and would not support me. I had to roll like a beached beluga whale all the way across the yard to the back porch! I finally got ahold of the porch rail and was able to pull myself up to a standing position. Oh, man, I felt like such an idiot out there rolling across the backyard! Chuckles. We will see if the bench helps at all. Fingers crossed.
It feels good to really look forward to something, doesn't it? There is something especially soothing to the mind and soul about caring for the garden. I have a feeling that the gardens are going to be extra special for both of us this year.
Gardening, since I was little w/ my dad, has always been a very soothing and comforting thing for me. I love to till, plant, watch everything grow...like I said, it's good for the head.
Did I mention how much I hate weeding? *lol*
I love to get out there with the little ones (when they decide its time to help dad), especially my real little one(6)...*smile*
We did well last year.Lots of tomatoes, (made a bunch of tomato sauce, have you ever had FRESH tomato sauce? is to die for.) Lots of cucumbers (eating and made lotsa pickles), peas, corn, (deer and raccoons helped themselves to alot of my corn), onions,etc...
I like getting up really early...going across the street (15 acres,is where my garden is) and just sitting, having my coffee on the weekend...
I must say that for anyone that has stress in thier life, gardening will help relieve it.
Reach,have a good day!
Hey Jerry & Reach,
Ahhh, gardening. It can be almost addictive for me LOL
I plant about 10 pots of mixed flowers plus some in the ground. I hate when I'm done and keep finding new places or buying more pots and more flowers. My one passion, besides cats, is gardening and I can hardly wait to start the process. I need to wait a few more weeks in my area but I agree it is so tranquilizing and watering and snipping is fun to me after a day of work. It's nice mindless work.
I went thru withdrawal last fall and it was such a depressing time of the year - flowers fizzling out and pots needed dumping.