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Old 04-18-2008, 10:25 AM   #1
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: South Yorkshire
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gazmix HB User
Not drinking again for the billionth time

Hi
Well i've quit before for as long as 5 months & drank socialy for years & not in excess, but recently & many times before i've drank to excess, especially whilst being on my own & having not much self confidence. Drinking with mates & alone too.
Recently it's been drinking alone, a fiew strong lagers, a bottle of wine & some whiskey or vodka each night just to feel normal & for something to look forward to at the end of the night.
Lately i've put on weight, hated that toxic hot feeling i get & i've had a pain in my side that i've had examined & had blood tests & water tests & my doc has said my liver function is ok, so i took carte blanche & carried on drinking the same quantity as i stated.
Over the last fiew days i've had a fever & felt terrible & just haven't wanted to drink as i didn't want to gain weight as i wasn't excercising, felt it a good time to give the hardest addiction of my life another go at stopping.
I wrote down all the positives like saving money, losing weight, being level headed, not paranoid, cravings will go, won't feel toxic & the girl i will meet next week may see the real me instead of the bloated guy desperate for a drink & can put other things 1st.
The thing is i'm scared as in the past i had others around me, when i say others i mean a relationship where we did things & i didn't have time to think about wanting a drink like i am doing now.
I'm not working due to anxiety, probably the effects of booze, & even though i have stuff to do, i'm dwelling on missing my drink, but i then think about the list of + & - things. Also the pain that my doc said wasn't drink induced, seems to have gone. It was like a pulling, stitch feeling like i'm bruised down my side. The doc said it was posture.
It's my 4th day, i feel ill from my fever, but am worried as to how i'll feel when i'm ok & feeling fit again.
gaz

 
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Old 04-19-2008, 12:21 AM   #2
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Location: Portland, Oregon
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oregon_guy HB User
Re: Not drinking again for the billionth time

Hey Gazmix,

I'm Aaron and I'm an alcoholic. I drank heavily for 21 years, typically alone. Keep hanging in there. You've gone through the worst already it will just get better from here. Do you have AA in your neck of the woods? It's tough to stay sober alone, without support. I go to AA and see an addiction counselor. Without them I dont think I could stay sober. Paradoxically, AA doesn't doesn't so much help one to stop drinking as it does to help one successfully cope with sobriety.

At first, I felt lost without booze. I was used to drinking when at home and on my days off and i didnt know what to do with myself with out being drunk. It was really hard when I went camping or fishing because I hadn't done either activity without catching a buzz, or being outright drunk, in many years. Anxiety was always bad for me too when I went through withdrawals. And I too lost many a job because of drinking.

I found out the hard way that each withdrawal is worse than the one before it. My last serious withdrawal I had a grand mal seizure...not fun. My addiction counselor had me go on the medication Campral. It relativelly new in the states but I guess its been around in europe for quite some time. It's said to restore brain chemistry to a non drinking state and help alleviate the subconcious cravings for alcohol. it has really helped me to the point that I dont crave alcohol anymore, The desire is just not there. The jury is still out though, i've stopped before many times and relapsed so I tend to be a bit pessimistic about my ability to stay sober. Things look positive though.

Find some support, cling to sobriety with a ninja death grip, dont fight the booze, just let it go. Most of all, never give up! dont let relapses discourage you, they happen and we learn from them, we analyze the triggers and become aware of what sets us off. You can throw that F!*@king monkey off your back.

-Aaron

When asked if I want a drink I just tell them I can't cause I break out in spots...Reno, Vegas, odd hotel rooms. But really, they don't have enough alcohol to make it worth my while. -Fellow AA Member
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When asked if I want a drink I just tell them I can't cause I break out in spots...Reno, Vegas, odd hotel rooms. But really, they don't have enough alcohol to make it worth my while.-Fellow AA Member

Last edited by oregon_guy; 04-19-2008 at 12:37 AM.

 
Old 04-19-2008, 06:32 AM   #3
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: South Yorkshire
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gazmix HB User
Re: Not drinking again for the billionth time

Hi Aaron
Thanks for your words. I feel like i have been here so many times & continued to go back to sq 1. I have in the past been to AA, & it was ok whilst there, but i couldn't stick with it, the booze beat me that time as i found myself in the city & near so many attractive bars.

I am feeling lost without booze. I'm not an all day drinker, someone that gets outa bed & reaches for the bottle. I'm someone who gives myself the treat of a drink if i've had a successful day or done something where i feel i deserve one. I don't see buying myself a dvd the same.
I know what you mean when you say you used to go fishing & have a drink, it's the same with me & the football & mountain biking. Summer is on its way & i remember last year enjoying a fiew cold ones outside the bar in the sun after a ride was the best!! Excess is my problem though & knowing when to stop. Instead of going home, i'd hit the shop & buy more.
I'm feeling good now, 4 days in, i feel leaner, not clearer as i have a cold, but haven't woken feeling crap.

Last night i wrote down all the pro's & cons & there were far more pro's to stopping, all i wrote in my last post, i think its just the habit & getting out of it. I've felt moody like someone who hasn't had a ciggarette, but i know that will pass.
I'm looking forward to summer, fitting into clothes i have that are tight now, being fitter, eating healthy instead of late night drunk pig outs.
Not feeling bloated & looking red in the face & having the mental stability that creates confidence.
Yet
Still after all these positives, drink is still on my mind. That release. It all sounds perverse.

My doc says antabuse & campral aren't an option, he says i'd need to be hospitalised. I dunno why, maybe he thinks i'm not a bad case.
I haven't had a seizure or felt any withdrawl (yet), i've heard it only happens after 4 days i dunno. I've had a fiew night sweats in the past, but this time nothing, just i find i have had a sweet tough & crave chocolate & coffee. Maybe thats not bad.
I'm in & out of highs & lows, but drink free highs & lows. Not the horrible ones that are artificial, just ones that i think i have to give the chance to go by keeping off drink & then i will be on a level.

I like what you say about the monkey off my back, it feels like a monkey on my back. I'm not sure how life feels without the monkey on my back (only for short times), as since i was 16 i was getting some kind of artificial buzz. I need to find strength. My doc says i'm not an alcoholic if i can stop for someone else like i have in the past, but alone, i feel sometimes i don't give a damn until now.

Gaz

 
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