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Old 04-19-2008, 07:29 AM   #1
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reflections at 40.

Day 40 --beautiful day and time to reflect how I got here. I should start and say first and foremost that YOU CAN DO IT. You have to WANT it though. There are some tough times and its NOT the same for everyone, but its managable. 40 days ago I made a decision, just like I had 5 times before in the last 6 years, STOP taking pills. I keep asking myself "why will it be different this time?". I wasnt sure, but I continued. The road was SURE at first as we painfully and slowly wade through withdrawals. This is the easy time. Physically it sucked, but it was easy because of the anger and animosity we had towards the disease, WE WOULD NOT FAIL. This is where the road turns. After the physical stuff is over, the mental stuff kicks in. How many of you have lost at this phase, only to end up right back here again. I have and I pray I wont again. Only through failure, I have learned so much. I have learned that it takes constant WORK to make this WORK. I dont mean 90 meetings in 90 days. I have nothing against that and it WILL WORK, but that was too much for me. I had to find something that worked for me and also for my disease. This is where I have failed before. I was arrogant and thought it was over. I did readings, outpatient rehab, psychologist and Dr's. I was looking for SOMEONE ELSE to help, but the most important person that needed the work, was being neglected, ME. I wasnt learning about me and my disease. I knew ALL ABOUT pill addiciton, but I didnt know anything about its relationship with me. This is where some good ol' thinking and writing helped me. I started to look at where I have failed and where all of you have WON. I started to see how much in common we all have. Friends at NA, my ONLINE friends, celebrities, Intervention folk etc. Its not a "set plan", but there are some guidelines. Stay clean each day. Day to day. Hour to Hour. Even minute to minute. I have been confronted 3-4 times over the last 40 days with RELAPSE moments. Pills in front of me, easy access, and snatch and take options. I have won and most importantly I am starting to learn WHY. I like being clean and with alot help from you and me, I will stay that way for a long long time. Thanks for reading (if you made it that far).

D
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Old 04-19-2008, 08:19 AM   #2
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Re: reflections at 40.

Hi Medguy,

Great post! It's really nice to see that there's light at the end of the tunnel!

Thanks!

Raz

 
Old 04-19-2008, 04:21 PM   #3
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Lindsabins HB User
Re: reflections at 40.

Thank you so much. That is really what I needed to hear. I am on day 5 and this has been my worst day yet but I have that WANT you are talking about. I never had that all the other times I tried to quit but I have it now. These boards are my saving grace during these times. So again, thank you and God Bless

 
Old 04-20-2008, 06:58 AM   #4
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Re: reflections at 40.

Thanks for your kind words. The days do get better. The most important thing that I have learned is that we have to learn to LIVE again. Feelings and emotions have to be worked out by you not a pill. That is tough at first, but gets easier if you let it.

D
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Old 04-20-2008, 11:10 AM   #5
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Re: reflections at 40.

Heya Noah

I call you that today because you and Noah have a special connection here with Forty days. It rained 40 days and nights as he was on the ark before the old world was washed away and there was Old Noah, all safe and sound in the ark he had built and headed for a new and beautiful world. Like you.... forty days of withdrawal storms and here you are, with a solid fortress built around you and heading into a beautiful new world. Noah (Meddguy), leading the family in a safe direction under a higher power.

Forty days out of an old life filled with some cruddy stuff, forty days into a new, renewed, life, and looking forward with happiness and assuredness as long as you keep your course steady and true. Uh, if you happen to look up and spot a bird carring an olive branch, or even an oak twig, make sure to fall immediately on your knees with thanks. Smiles.

It is good, isn't it, Medd, this life without pills? Oh, sure, we must feel the pain of whatever adversity pops up, but in return, we get to feel the joy of all the good things that surround us also. A fair way to be treated in life I think. For me, my corner of life is made up primarily of my family. They have always been here, but I was lost from them for a long while. Before, I existed in the midst of them. Today, I am a part, a true and active part, of them. My life is just so much better today and I am so thankful for it. I am so happy and light-hearted that you have made it. Forty days... and God-willing, forty more years and forty more after that!

Congratulations
God Bless Always
reach

 
Old 04-20-2008, 05:47 PM   #6
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Re: reflections at 40.

Reach --you have been in my thoughts lately. Previously I have let people down, you included. Being clean now for a little bit, makes me feel proud that you are my friend and that I am not only making my family and myself proud, but you also. Thanks again

D
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Old 04-20-2008, 08:19 PM   #7
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Re: reflections at 40.

My Friend D

Yes. I am proud of you, so very proud. I know and understand all too well the struggles you have faced in your life's journey...... not just in the drugs, but in the other things we have shared. We have faced some tough things, Buddy, but oh! how we have been blessed to have survived them. When I take the time to reflect quietly, I am awestruck at what we have survived. I guess that we spent a lot of time concentrating on the memories as painful and hid from them when all along we were actually victors in our fights, not losers.

That is what we are, Meddguy... victors. Over cancer, over drugs, over great odds. I am glad we met here and have been able to share some important growing in our lives. Our friendship has been one of the really good things in my life all these past months.

You know, I am at a point where I can reflect and see that even in the struggle of getting off the narcotics, many good things have happened. One of the most important things for me has been the realization that I can not get complacent about life... not any part of it. There will always be a need to grow more and more. Always a need to reflect on how I am reacting to life, to think about what part I am playing, and to know that there is always going to be room for improvement. I am learning more and more about me. I am accepting and embracing the parts that I recognize as good, and working on the parts that I recognize as really needing improvement. Funny, it is a calm and a calming process. No whirlwind hallelujah times as much as slowly changing. Practicing and practicing new habits and waiting for them to become embedded. Gratitude that survival has allowed me the time to work more on becoming who I should be. I want to use the time wisely; it has been a gift. Finally, I have learned to be grateful for it. It is liie I have been given a new and unique pair of eyes that are allowing me to see so much of what I was missing for so long.

You are one of the olive branches in my life.
reach

 
Old 04-20-2008, 08:20 PM   #8
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Re: reflections at 40.

you are the man meddguy,and we are all glad you made it back from the darkside.you are so close my friend to full blown addiction/addict that the next time you binge you might not make it back so easy.but you did make it and you are clean and sober and you have a second chance and that is something that i and most others on here do not have.keep up the good work my friend you are an idol to myself and others.glad you made it back and lets keep you sober for many yrs to come,not just months or days,but years.good luck-spark

 
Old 04-21-2008, 08:34 AM   #9
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Re: reflections at 40.

You are a good man, meddguy.

Forty years old and a new beginning--what will the great spices of life (and, unfortunately, hardships) bring for you in sobriety, my friend? My hope is that you find JOY and cherish it. My prayer is that you stay clean, stand strong, and continue to distance yourself from those little yellow devils. My desire is that I do the same.

mike

 
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