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Old 04-21-2008, 09:46 PM   #1
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Unhappy Ugh

Hi one and all. I'm a 2 gram a day heroin addict. Today is day 3 on subs. I'm still not "right" but getting closer.I guess the hardest part right now is the mental toll this drug has on my brain. Even tho I have lost everything possible to it,I feel like I'm not whole without it.Crazy huh? My days and nights were spent on trying to get money to score,scoring,and finallly getting high. Only to turn around and start all over. Now I have nothing to do. I lost my job,family,boyfriend(addict as well in jail for ...yes you guessed it)and anything else good. I'm looking for other recovering addicts,to perhaps shed the much needed light on where I'm at.I don't want to go back to using,but I'm afraid of whats around the next corner. I've been using for 2 years now,thats a long time away from "real life". I'm currently staying with my ex husband,which is only adding to my stress. Does the mental need subside? When? Not soon enough.

 
Old 04-22-2008, 04:34 AM   #2
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Re: Ugh

Hello C,

Welcome to the boards.

Admitting that there is a problem is tough but mustering up the strength to do something about it is in a category all its' own(in my opinion).

It is good news that you have begun taking the appropriate measures that are necessary to keep your addiction at bay.

I believe that when we begin using, we introduce an "uninvited element" into our system. In time, this element becomes a part of everyday life, thus providing itself a space when there was none previously.

When we cease the habitual behavior, we are left with a "space" or "void" of sorts but more often than not equate it with the feeling that something is missing, which is partly correct.

What is actually "missing" is the negative, addictive substance that we allowed to enter our systems, equated with the time it took us previously to plot and scheme ways to purchase the illegal substance.

Sure, relationships have been severed; some beyond repair and it is the aftermath that we are left with.

We beat ourselves up mentally when taking inventory on the time and money that has been wasted; moreso than attempting to live for today, for yesterday we cannot replay and tomorrow cannot be predicted.

---------------------------------------

We may often get the feeling of boredom and certain enjoyable tasks not seeming to spark even an inkling of intertest; this is understandable.

Remember that while the "substance" was providing occupancy for itself, it affected everything else around it(sort of like one bad apple spoiling the entire bunch;given enough time). To what extent remains to be seen.

----------------------------------------

We educate ourselves through attending meetings, reading literature and living life on life's terms, not ours.

You are pointed in the right direction. May your journey provide you with the wisdom and understanding necessary to experience all that life has to offer; substance free.

Respectfully,

Phoenix

 
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Old 04-22-2008, 10:10 AM   #3
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Re: Ugh

hey C - pheonix has pretty much summed it all up. wise words. i just thought i'd let you know that life DOES get better. i lost everything & almost went to jail. now im getting it all back - and its better now, because i appreciate it a hell of a lot more. Life might seem dull without the usual routine of scoring etc - having a habit is like a full time job without having weekends off. You need to look into finding some healthier ways to occupy the boredom - exercise is a good 1 ( i know you wont feel like it at the moment but the chemicals given off by the body during exercise are actually good for pain relief, even during withdrawals). Stick with the Sub - it gets easier and soon you wont even notice it. Its also a lot easier to taper off than methadone (which i found a nightmare). Im nearly 6 months clean from meth & i have forgotten how long ago it was since i took H. Ive never really looked back. Just keep positive and keep plowing forward with your life. You are worth more than this. And you CAN do it.
Keep posting back and letting us know how things are - its suprising how helpful posting can be.

take care - i wish you all the very best (from an ex H addict - to a future ex H addict)

yoss

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Old 04-22-2008, 10:49 AM   #4
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Re: Ugh

Hey Guys thanks a lot for your words of wisdom. Today I'm an emotional wasteland. It's been so long since I've felt any real emotions. I've been an addict of some sort for almost 20 years. Thats a long time in a haze. Memories are flooding back to me, the people I've wronged the horrible way I conducted myself etc. I wish my family knew how much I love them. They say they do and that they understand,however I hear thier whispers and see them hiding thier meds and other valuables. They don't know how hard it is for me to see the distrust in thier eyes. Again seeing as I've never tried sobering up before this is all new to me. Not that things were'nt this way before, I just never cared I suppose. Man that sounds really crappy. Today I'm strugging with "creative" ideas to stay busy. Posting here and keeping a journal are the two things that allow me to say what I'm feeling without feeling like I'm being judged. If I had one iota of strength I'd pull a Forrest Gump and run till my lungs gave out. Again thanks for posting back,it makes me feel less alone. Day 4 and still sober !

 
Old 04-22-2008, 11:39 AM   #5
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Re: Ugh

Great Job!!!!!!!
Day 4 is so huge...so,so huge.
Trust may take some time,bit ut will come back. Your friends and family will realize that you're sober. It's inevitable; they will see it in your eyes.
I'm in the same boat as you,freshly detoxed. (day 12) I've also been an addict of one sort or another for 20 years. Funny how long it takes,(20 years!!) for us to realize that we need to stop abusing ourselves,and our loved ones. Personally,I have no idea whatsoever how my wife could still be with me. Grace of God,I guess,its totally beyond me.She shoulda left me years and years ago.
Believe me when I tell you that no,you wont be judged here. We're all in the same boat. Watching others get clean here is giving me the strength to do the same.
Hang in there,keep posting and let us know whats going on, good OR bad.
Day 4 is so huge and great and wonderful!!!!!
pat yerself on yer back. you deserve it.we all know how utterly ridiculously hard the first 3-4 days are.
its only going to get better!!!
Stick to your Sub plan.
Gotta run, just saw day 4 and had to pie in. Congratulations!!!

peace.
jerry.

 
Old 04-22-2008, 11:42 AM   #6
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Re: Ugh

hey C - the emotions return like a tidal wave. Its like all the feelings that were suppressed during those years as an emotional zombie all come flooding back to you. THIS IS A GOOD THING. You're becoming human again. I found myself crying while watching TV, listening to music - watching the news was a big no-no. The emotions will level out soon. embrace the feeling of feeling again.
As for seeing the distrust in other peoples eyes - if you are anything like i was - then can you blame them? I did some pretty bad things, things im not proud of. the only thing you can do is make amends. Trust takes a lifetime to build but can be knocked down in a second. It will be built back - its down to you to persevere and show everyone that this time you HAVE changed.
Posting & writing a journal are 2 of the best things you could possibly do - it keeps your mind focussed and you will also be able to look back and read it in the distant future and wonder 'Why the hell did it take me sooo long to kick this cr*p?'
It wont be long before you're pulling a 'forest gump' - im sure.

take care, keep posting

yoss

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Old 04-22-2008, 01:21 PM   #7
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Re: Ugh

Thanks Yoss. I do understand why they're distrustful,and yes they've every reason to be. As I said I'm just emotional and perhaps being a wee bit sensitive. I'm feeling the whole "you're becoming human again" theory too. I guess I never really thought about it,but this whole thing is akin to being reborn or grieving a death. Actually it's kinda of both. Death of my "old" self and birth of the "new". If you will. As of this minute I feel better than yesterday. Now if I could sleep we'd be in business.

And Jerry,congrats to you. You sound so positive and brave. I only hope to have half the confidence you have on day 12. Thank you for your kind words, they never fall on deaf ears and are truely needed.

 
Old 04-22-2008, 02:14 PM   #8
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Re: Ugh

You're on the right path, thats the main thing. Sleep will come, eventually. The sub will kick in soon. (how much sub are you taking? is it increasing after a certain amount of time?).
The reborn metaphor is a good one, and you are going to have to learn to do things all over again - similar to childhood etc.
Im sure you will have jerrys confidence when you start to stabilise. Just think - 20 yrs as an addict - a week or so of discomfort - its a little price to pay for having your life back.
Have a read through some old posts on the site - im sure it'll help to read how people have coped etc.

as i said - the MAIN thing is - you're on the right path.

take care

yoss

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Old 04-22-2008, 07:48 PM   #9
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Re: Ugh

I'm taking 3 8's a day. This is just my detox as I'm told. I don't plan on taking them after day 5. Im so afraid to become dependant on anything. If I feel like I need them after day 5 doc says he'll have a standing order for my script. But I believe that if I put forth the effort to staying sober as I did getting high, I should be A-ok. Time alone will tell. Hey any advice on this leg "pain" creepy..icky feeling?

 
Old 04-23-2008, 12:47 AM   #10
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Re: Ugh

hey C - up early?

The leg spasms/pain/cramps - is a total pain in the arse. There are lots of tips for this on the boards. The ones i used were

drink tonic water - it contains quinine which is good for leg cramps
eat bananas - they contain potassium which is also good for cramps
get a couple of hot water bottles on them - hot/cold presses are good for pain relief
take a hot bath before bed (add some lavender oil to the bath if you have any - this may help you sleep)

I also paced around for hours - up & down the stairs to try and tire my legs out.

Its uncomfortable, i know - and it keeps you awake most of the night - BUT - your nearly on day5 now! AND THAT IS PROGRESS!

Im off to work now (8:30 in the UK) , i'll check back on you later.

i hope your legs get some relief soon. take care.

yoss

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Last edited by Yossarian22; 04-23-2008 at 12:48 AM.

 
Old 04-23-2008, 01:31 AM   #11
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Re: Ugh

As usual thanks, I read a lot of posts after I posted that and I see everyone has a different way of coping with the leg thing. Im taking hot baths and like you said pacing. Nah I'm not up early I just can't sleep. I got 4 hours today soooo at the rate I'm going I won't need sleep til I'm what like 78? Day 5 wow thats like the coolest thing I've said all week !
Have a Grateful Day

 
Old 04-23-2008, 02:56 AM   #12
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Re: Ugh

Hello C,

You hang in there.

As the toxins leave your system, there will be a period of uncomfortability.

This is temporary and should subside in the upcoming days.

I have a quick question (please bear with me).

What is one and one?

I will explain the answer after you post yours and provide an explanation.

Take care.

Phoenix

Last edited by Phoenix; 04-23-2008 at 03:48 AM.

 
Old 04-23-2008, 09:36 AM   #13
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Re: Ugh

Afternoon Phoenix, The question "what is one and one" The math equation? The answer is two. Otherwise I suppose it's three words.Either two nouns/pronouns/adjectives and a conjuction. I dunno.I'm terrible with pop quizzes. Hope all are doing well and in good health and spirits.

 
Old 04-23-2008, 09:59 AM   #14
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Re: Ugh

Cakes, the leg'll get better. Mine are just about done I think. Worse when I lay down at night, but better daily. Sleeps slowly getting better,too. Thank God.
You take it easy, be real proud of day 5 and remember....
*once in awhile you can get shown the light in the strangest of places if you look at it right*
*wink*
Yer doin' great!

peace,and God bless.
jerry.

 
Old 04-23-2008, 10:30 AM   #15
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Re: Ugh

Scarlet Begonias ! Thanks Jerry


~~ Long is the road
We must travel on down.
Short are the legs
That will struggle behind.
I wish I knew for sure
Just where we're bound~~ Have a Grateful day

 
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