Sorry,guys, dont want to start too many new threads but I feel like I'm way past the "day 6" thread,so just kinda felt like I needed a new one...*lol*
I HAVE NOT USED IN 12 DAYS.
Didnt mean to yell, but thats how I feel right now. My head feels right.
I have been an oxy snortin pill fiend for a long time, whatever opiates I could get my hands on, like I said b4, I didnt know if I could or would ever stop. There was a point where I was snorting heroin for a bit. Like I said,whatever I could get. Oxy,heroin, percs,vics, methadone, etc,etc. You get the picture.What a freakin' loser.
My body still hurts. I have no energy yet.Wierd, body is no recovered yet,but my head is ultra-clear. I have actually caught myself crawling! at home because I havent even had the energy to stand up. Just tells me how bad of a druggie I have been.
I'm not looking for "cool!, or good job" or anything like that. (altho I gotta say it has helped...*lol* I just want to show here that if even a loser druggie like me can quit, then jeez, anyone can. meddguy said it good. you gotta want it or it just wont work. I half-assed tried a bunch of times. I must not have wanted it bad enuff those times.
Did I mention I havent used in 12 days? *laughing*
Boy,it feels good to laugh.I've lived in a drug-induced fog for a long time.
By not using, some of my brain must be coming back, because I've been getting some ?? endorphins, "feels goods", natural high feeling the last couple of days. Will be nice, after more time goes on to feel good again.
Just wanted to say that its possible to quit using drugs. I'm still wicked scared,tho. Of using. and going back. I dont think that'll ever go away.
Maybe being scared will help keep me on my toes...I'm just fresh,still,at 12 days,of being clean...what will I feel like several months down the road...will I still be scared and on my guard...I think I never,ever can forget just how bad I was....how bad my CT withdrawls were...I cant forget those things or I'll be right back where I was.
I think I'm starting to ramble. Am I even making sense?
And a good morning it is for all of us as we celebrate your clean time, your moving forward. You have accomplished what you didn't think at one time you ever could! Here's a million " 'Atta boy" to you, my friend. You deserve every one of them. The climb out of the deep and dark hole of addiction is no easy feat, but you have done it! The climb is over, Jerry.... you are out of the hole and on a raod that you can walk along again.
Remembering what withdrawal is like sure is a part of what keeps me from popping a pill in my mouth. A bigger part, though, is that I have put a lot of time and effort into learning better ways to cope, learning more how to evaluate my own reactions to stuff and then changing the reactions. It's spending time not just remembering my old bad habits, but working hard to gain new, good habits to replace those old ones.
Like you, my brain cleared long before my body healed. I withdrew by long taper and found myself sober thinking before I ver took my last dose. I knew for sure the dircetion I wanted to head into and knowing that allowed the thinking to change. I had to be open and honest with myself about myself, had to understand clearly how I had gotten to the point of abusing the drugs. I needed a lot of help from a lot of people to help me with that. Once that became clear, I was able to open my thinking up to change, change in actions and not just thoughts. Real change.
A few months ago I landed in the Emergency Room in some wicked pain. First thing I talked about after telling the doctor about the pain and where it was, was to be upfront and honest about having withdrawn from painkillers. My thinking had changed by then and I knew I had to deal with everything with honesty. It took three shots of morphine to get the pain under control. But you know what? I wasn't fearful of taking the morphine. I knew clearly that I was taking it to control really bad pain and not to hide form anything. It was not a misuse, a recreational use or anything it wasn't supposed to be. And I knew and accepted that I could only use the pain killer until relief came and not one moment longer. I went home with Vicoden. I took them for the day until the antibiotics worked to start clearing the infection I had and then ditched them. I didn't keep them around to tempt me ( a skill I learned!), but I did not fear them. My whole thinking about drugs has just changed. This is where sober thinking leads us when we truly stay open to it.
Stay strong, Jerry, and stay open to change in yourself. Never stop practicing the skills you are learning in sobriety and never stop being grateful for this second chance in life. There is too much beauty and wonder in life to allow addiction to keep us from it. Too much to celebrate every day to miss out on it because we are in a drug haze.
So, Clear-headed Man, I wish you many, many days and years of sobriety and happiness in your renewed life. And you shout out loud about it any time you feel like it.... chuckles.... it is worth a loud shout of celebration.
Great job Jerry, I am so proud. I cant wait to be at 12 days but I am still looking forward to day 9. You are not a loser druggie, if you are then I was too. I lied, I stole, I faked pain but that is done. The past is just that, its the past and we all have to move on from that. The hardest part for me is the guilt. Guilt that I was not fully there for my daughter for her first two years. I mean I was there but my mind was not. I feel guilt for putting my family through this but I am working on that and everyday I have les and less guilt. Keep up the good work, you are such an inspiration to me and I am sure others. Lindsay
Jerry...you are so awesome!! I have missed you more than you know...heck..more than I knew...who knew?!?!?!? I am so happy your are celebrating your 12 th day... Your doing it...you are so doing it! I would just give you a big ol hug around your neck if I could..but you can feel it, yes?!
Please read the thread I just started about I am starting the suboxone..starting Friday, tomorrow at 11 will be the LAST time I use. And the ugly bull headed side of me wants off the sub within 6 weeks. We will see!!
So So happy to read a post from you and Congrats...BIG TIME
Day 16 w/ no drugs. Slept till 5 am this morning. Feel good.Surprised,tho,still feel the vaguest little "yuckys".
Had another scare yesterday. I've been going in to work early,as some of you know, so I cut out at lunchtime,Hey,was Friday,why not...anyhow,stopped at a friends on the way home...this is a good friend,has helped me soooo much w/ different stuff. Anyhow, walked in on a whole big giant full baggie of cocaine...4 ounces,wow...*lol*
BAAAAM....there goes my demon....this was not my friends, he's not an addict or a dealer, but friend of a friend kind of thing,so there goes my demon(was addicted to coke for many years)...was all I could do to keep my mouth shut,look away,get out of there,leave,see ya...was so,so hard.
I dont want to ruin my good time,my clean time that I have.I have been feeling so good,I dont want that to end.
My little,(hmmm,big) demon was telling me hey,it aint opiates,do some...damn....was so hard but I did it...
I went home and put up a new bathroom light and fixed some leaky faucets. Much more fun than getting high...*lol*
I guess I'm just posting to post. This helps my head stay focused as to where I need to be right now.
was sooo hard...I mean...weird...on one hand was very hard...dont even ask me why but he offered to let me smell this big giant 4 ounce bag of coke...and I did...again,dont ask me why,I cant tell you.I know I shouldnt have even done that. As soon as I did,I realized I HAD TO GO.
Realized how close I came on my way home...but on the other hand I had a 4 oz bag of coke in my hand and would have been given whatever I wanted if I had asked...and I had 120 bucks in my pocket,too....
No matter what,i didnt do it. After being home for a bit,and calming my head(and heart) down...I was alone and started laughing...
I had beaten the demon...*** him...is what I told him...*** YOU.i DONT NEED YOU AND I DONT WANT YOU.
Its getting easier.I dont hurt much right now.head is clear.