Dont even know where to start so I'm just gonna spit it out.
Saturday night, after being so good for so long, I snorted some lines of coke.
I'm kind of a mess right now over this. Depressed, feel like such a damn heel over having done this to myself. I have felt so good for quite awhile,was 16? days with absolutely nothing in me.
If you read back a post or two, you'll see where I had an opportunity Friday,and walked away.
Saturday night,after a great night of taking the kids to the circus,was fun!, I got a call from my good friend. Now this friend is someone who can do a couple lines twice a year and be fine with it. He's not an addict, but I ended up putting myself in a position and for no good reason whatsoever, I did some lines with him.
I dont know why I did it. I didnt even really want it. My little voice was telling me,hey,it aint opiates, you dont have a problem w/ coke (I have in my past), once aint gonna hurt you, you're not doing pills,you've been so good...
I feel so,so rotten about this. I was doing so well.
I'm so mad at myself. I am going to use this in a good positive way,though.
I absolutely still do not want to use any drugs and hate myself for screwing up.My mind is still really good about moving forward with the whole being clean thing. This has helped me realize, especially because I felt so crappy afterwards, that,Why the heck did I even do that??? I dont want it.
I'm not scared of falling back into it in any form, because I can see now why I just dont want it. it only made me feel crappy,not good.
I had 16 days clean b4 this incident. Now I'm back on Day 2, but it is what it is. I'm going to continue to move forward, not backwards. I dont fear getting back into any drugs because I just dont want it. feeling so good has been so much better for me at this point in my life, now that I know I CAN DO IT.
It is what it is,and everything happens for a reason. I think this reason was just to show me how much I really do hate drugs.
I wasnt even going to say anything here about this, but everyone has been so good to me and so supportive I feel that whithout being truthful, I could not face many of you and our "chats" would not be the same. I need to be honest or this will just not work. Coming here has been such a great big giant part in my recovery that without honesty it just doesnt work.
It feels good to get that off of my chest. I needed to do that and now feel like I can continue to move forward.
One more thing...in the past, I have called something like this a "relapse", I think, as an excuse.
This is not a relapse. This a mistake, but a lesson well learned this time, and intend to do nothing but continue to move totally forward. My head is so much better right now after spilling my guts and I am even more determined than I have been to beat down my beast of addiction.
I am so determined and positive right now. I feel so much better. You all have seen how good I have been doing, (I've been an addict for a long, long time!!? I am going to move forward,get past this, this was a stupid mistake but again, if I can use it for the good of my recovery then I think that it may have been a "needed" mistake.
I think theres a reason for everything.
I'm not going to concentrate on the falling down. this was just that,a stupid mistake.
In my past when I have tried to quit drugs, I have used something like this as an excuse to continue using.
This time is much,much different for me,dont ask me why. My head is clearer than ever before and I know what I need to do.
Thanks for being there. As far as the honesty, I wouldnt have it any other way. You dont lie to your friends. I consider all of you my friends here and would never do anything to put that in jeapordy. For me,at this point at least, these are my "Meetings". I live far from everything (45 mins from nearest "city".) and at this point, this is what I need to do.
Jerry --every time we fall we learn. Everytime we learn, we start to build that foundation. I have fallen 6 times before and have finally figured a few things out. Take this as a learning experience and move on. Take it day by day.
"1 is too many and 1000 is not enough" -
So you learned that you are vulnerable, Buddy. We are all vulnerable, especially early on in sobriety. We will all here always be vulnerable, but as we work on building our foundations, as we practice what we learn, we become less vulnerable. Your determination to continue on the Sober Path is embedding once again, a bit stronger this time, that we just can not play with drugs.
You are still fairly new in sobriety and, honestly, I think you used because you still have a bit of a perception yet that it was a 'reward' for having worked so hard. A memory in your mind that perceived the using as a bit of a good memory. In a caring way, I am glad you felt crappy after the experinece... that is a good thing. It is helping your thinking move away from any good asociation with abusing drugs and towards a firmer, healthy knowledge that it is not a good thing. It is an experience that will pop into your thoughts next time an occasion happens ( and it will) to use. Use your experience for the good. Even in the crummiest situations, we can find the good that can come from it as we learn to change our thinking.
It is not how we fall in life, Jerry, it is how we stand. And you have stood well, regained your conviction and yes, will continue to move forward. You learned, Buddy, and that is all we can do, all anyone expects of us... to continue to learn.
Have a good day, keep your balance. We are all works in progress and you are looking pretty good from here. Smiles.
For the last week I have been wanting to write to you. The reason is because I have seen your replies to so many posts, your caring, and your seemingly willingness to help so many others on here. I simply wanted to congratulate you, and to thank you for what you have been doing for others.
Now your revealing post about what happened with the coke.
Jerry, I have read more posts on here than you can imagine, and with each post I kind of get a "feel" for those that will succeed. Naturally those off their DOC for 6 months, a year, two years are the most probable to succeed.
In your case, seeing what you are doing for others, and reading what you say, and reading what you have said on this post, I "feel" that you WILL succeed, even though you have not been clean that long. In other words, you have what it takes in your heart and in your head. This is not a reflection on others that they do not have what it takes, it simply means that your actions and words reveals "success" in every instance.
You will succeed, Jerry! Be ever vigilent, keep your eye on the prize, and continue that positive thinking. Everyone here is behind you, as you know, and they are so proud of you.
Jerry..my friend! I am so happy to hear your back on the track, how are you feeling on day 2 (is it) compaired to your last day 2? Your focused I can tell. Good thing. You know this, but I am going to write it anyways..I know your not calling this a relapse so I dont want to crunch toes, so I will call it as you do, a mistake, anyways... our "mistakes" start BEFORE we use..the using is just the end result. Its so important for us to know what our triggers maybe, and when those triggers snap up, we need to change it up, quick!
I cant say its surprised me, because we are what we are and part of our recovery is built on our mistakes, relapses..what ever. Been down this road several times, and with 6 years of sobriety, I picked up again. I adore you Jerry plan and simple, your honesty, your compasion, and of course your undying love for DISCO.. We are going to do this together, its nice not to be alone, isnt it!
Thinking about the strength you have and building myself on it!
Meddguy~~ I want to think that I am learning. Of course I have fallen before,but for some reason when I fell before,I stayed down. I just aint gonna stay down this time. No way,no how. I've come too damn far.
Reach, my friend. Reward...hmm,you could be right. God,I felt like such <a fool> the second I did it.
I feel great again today. Yesterday I did not. I think that once I got this off of my chest this morning,it was what I needed to continue to move foreward.You know,I want to say,damn,16 days down the drain,but I just dont feel like that at all. Those 16 days(at least the ones after I was done detoxing!!) were pure heaven.Those days were not lost,by any means. I know it was only 16 days,but I learned so much in those 16 days. Hey,tomorrow is day 3 again,right??? Forward march!
I do feel great,tho. Simple mistake. Thank you,as always.
Friend999,thank you so much for your thoughts and your
positive attitude. It is people like yourself here that have gotten me where I am right now after many years of drug abuse. *hugs*
Last but certaintly not least,
No,this day 2 is absolutely nothing like my last day 2. My last day 2 I was feverish and vomiting among many other unthinkable yuckys...*laughing*
Seriously,tho,I feel so great. Funny thing,tho,I didnt until I posted this morning and spilled my guts as to my "mistake"...I guess I'm calling a relapse more than once or continued abuse after time off. I guess it really doesnt matter what we call it,the point is that I learned from it. God,I dont know why I did it. An hour before I did it I was at the circus w/ the kids and no thoughts of using on my mind whatsoever,and then BAM.
Was just a bad moment saturday night...some bad saturday night fever...but hey,at least I'm stayin' alive,right...*wink*
I adore you,too,hon.*smile*
Last edited by mod-anon; 05-02-2008 at 06:04 AM.
Reason: watch your language on the Boards.
Good morning Jerry!! Your work day sounds like mine, I am up and at em at 4am too..and home by 6pm! Anywho..(dont you love that word? who still says that?!) Hope your day 3 is going well..any symptoms? You sound good Jerry, really. I love your attitute and know that is what is going to pull you thru, no sitting on the pity potty for you
That is scary that there really wasnt any triggers on Saturday, maybe it was itialized without you knowing from the call you got before that, that you turned down, was lurking in your head? Anywho..(word for the day, evidently!) Stay true to yourself, stay busy, focus on your work and sneak in a post or two today! I use this board as my NA meetings to so say and find it works so well, keeps me in there and I can talk all I want, or just read the post and learn. <removed>
Well, off to run my errands..never been up this early in a long time, maybe the sub is good??
Much love *hugs, and smiles* Vicky~
Last edited by mod-anon; 05-02-2008 at 06:05 AM.
Reason: do not discuss other forums
Anyway,am thinking that the day b4 definetly put the bug in my mind...
was wierd,tho...was at the circus w/ no thoughts on my mind not long b4...
Again,hope yer doing great,keep up the good work,hun!
I use the boards as my meetings,too...dont really have any "sober" people I hang w/ outside of here...is work and then back home for the most part.
Re: sites,should I ?
Have a great day,and much luv to you,too....*smile*
I am here! Maybe it was the big elephant in the room (at the circus)..get it?!?! It was a funny, hey, sometimes you have to make light when you know something is way to serious, yes? <removed> Funny, all my friends are sober, and they would just freak if they knew. Not well accepted AT ALL in my profession.
Let me go get my errands run, I have to combat Wallmart and sometimes I have to put my BDU's on (battle dress uniform) cuz its so insane there!
Last edited by mod-anon; 05-02-2008 at 06:06 AM.
Reason: do not discuss other forums