Re: How do you want to get/stay clean?
I appreciate your total honesty about yourself becaue it is only through total honesty that we can ever even begin to think about getting clean.
Friend, the solution to getting clean lies in discovering what it is that you really want to hide form in life. Honey, are you hiding from washing dishes, working, responsibility? Are you hiding from a past pain? Every addict is hiding from something and has discovered that drug abuse is a way to do so. It is an unhealthy, self-defeating coping mechanism, a hiding mechanism.
Getting clean, not using, is but a portion of the battle. We need help to discover why we hide and to help develop new and better coping skills. This is the bigger part of the battle... discovering who we really are and gaining an intense desire to be more than we are in drug haze haven. What makes us want to get clean? The realization that our life on drugs is not a happy one and a strong desire to want more from life than just existing.
For me it took a breakdown so complete that I was barely hanging on to existence. It came close to taking my life and though my life was not happy at that point, I wanted to live still.... and finally I wanted to live better and have a real and true lifeback again. We don't have to come to this point to turn around, though. What we have to do is be honest, brutally honest with ourselves and figure out that the majority of the world is living and coping in better ways and that they are happier for it... then we have to claim it for ourselves. And it is there for us, as well as anyone else, if we choose.
You want to sit in a closet... my choice was my bed. Different locations, same issue... hiding from life. It is exhausting to care because there are coping strategies missing, there is understanding about yourself that is missing. These are the things I gained as I withdrew from drugs and sought out a lot of professional help to help me learn about me, about how and why I reacted to life the way I did. It was a lot of work, it was painful at times, but today, I swear to you, I am a happier being than I ever thought possible and I have no desire to hide from life anymore.
I had to do it for me, but everyone in my circle of life benefitted from it... my husband, children, family and friends. I stopped just existing and became an active participant in life again. Get to some meetings now while time is available before the baby comes.. get therapy for you... take the steps now that will ensure that life after the baby becomes a happier life for you.
All good wishes