Hi, I'm new here and basically just really frustrated with my current state of being right now and looking for answers I guess, or at least people who can relate and may have advice.
To give a bit of background, I am a recovering heroin and oxycontin addict and if I'm striving to be completely honest I am a functioning alcoholic. I have been clean and sober this time around since the end of October and the only reason I am still clean and sober is because I am 33 weeks pregnant. Before getting clean this last time I had been using Oxy and on a few occasions Heroin for almost a year after having been clean for two years. Which that two year stretch of sobriety had followed a 3 year period in which I was severely strung out. I had been clean six months prior to that and yadda yadda you get the picture.
I dont know why I am having such a difficult time with things but for the past couple weeks things have been very challenging. I have yet to slip up because as I stated I am pregnant and being that I already was using for a month before I found out I was pregnant and I have a hard time dealing with knowing that, I would hate myself for knowingly using when I wouldn't be the only one being negatively effected.
I am terrified for what might happen after the baby is born though.
I have spent my life getting clean for the sake of other people and have never kicked because I wanted to. I have never wanted any part of recovery and I need to know how to figure out how to want to be clean. It makes me feel like a terrible mother for saying that even though I'm about to have a child I STILL dont actually want to stay clean / sober.
I caught myself bargaining or trying to work something out in my head so that once the baby comes it wouldn't be so bad if I just used once a week on the weekend or something but I know thats not really possible.
It just frustrates the hell out of me and makes me feel like **** that I can't figure this out and that no matter how hard I try I just cant get it together completely.
It frustrates me that I want to feel numb again and that I want to just sit in a closet some where and shoot the day away and not give a ****.
Giving a **** is exhausting me and I feel frustrated that I can't deal
I am not an addict....but I am a mother...not quite sure but I am thinking from what I read that this is your first child.
And...I know you said you are trying to reason with your self that it will be ok for you to party on the weekends once the baby is born, etc.....
I maybe wrong here....but perhaps your baby being placed in your arms...HEALTHY....after you did use for a month, unbeknown to you that you were pregnant...MAYBE...that will be your cure!!!!
Again....I am going through my own times...living with a drug addict...whom I love dearly...I can only pray for you and your baby!!!
Want to share one more thing....I had my first child at 22....I did not know I was prenant until I was 8 weeks pregnant...and I was drinking ALOT....5 nights a week...when I found out I was pregnant..I didn't drink another drink...My daughter was born 8lbs 2 oz, she is 16 years old now....healthy as a horse...and I was scared my ENTIRE preganancy!!!
You need to get a sponser for yourself! You need to have more self control and learn not to be so selfish! I know that is harsh, but you have to think about that special miracle that will be with you before you know it. Hopefully he or she will change your ooutlook on life!.....Good luck ,my prayers are with you my dear...
I appreciate your total honesty about yourself becaue it is only through total honesty that we can ever even begin to think about getting clean.
Friend, the solution to getting clean lies in discovering what it is that you really want to hide form in life. Honey, are you hiding from washing dishes, working, responsibility? Are you hiding from a past pain? Every addict is hiding from something and has discovered that drug abuse is a way to do so. It is an unhealthy, self-defeating coping mechanism, a hiding mechanism.
Getting clean, not using, is but a portion of the battle. We need help to discover why we hide and to help develop new and better coping skills. This is the bigger part of the battle... discovering who we really are and gaining an intense desire to be more than we are in drug haze haven. What makes us want to get clean? The realization that our life on drugs is not a happy one and a strong desire to want more from life than just existing.
For me it took a breakdown so complete that I was barely hanging on to existence. It came close to taking my life and though my life was not happy at that point, I wanted to live still.... and finally I wanted to live better and have a real and true lifeback again. We don't have to come to this point to turn around, though. What we have to do is be honest, brutally honest with ourselves and figure out that the majority of the world is living and coping in better ways and that they are happier for it... then we have to claim it for ourselves. And it is there for us, as well as anyone else, if we choose.
You want to sit in a closet... my choice was my bed. Different locations, same issue... hiding from life. It is exhausting to care because there are coping strategies missing, there is understanding about yourself that is missing. These are the things I gained as I withdrew from drugs and sought out a lot of professional help to help me learn about me, about how and why I reacted to life the way I did. It was a lot of work, it was painful at times, but today, I swear to you, I am a happier being than I ever thought possible and I have no desire to hide from life anymore.
I had to do it for me, but everyone in my circle of life benefitted from it... my husband, children, family and friends. I stopped just existing and became an active participant in life again. Get to some meetings now while time is available before the baby comes.. get therapy for you... take the steps now that will ensure that life after the baby becomes a happier life for you.