Hot diggety dog! It is so exciting to hear from you!
I am doing well, Pam. My mind is clear, my spirits are high and I am happy in life. The body hurts, but I have learned to deal with it in ways that don't include narcotics. I am totally retired now and on disability. It is not the way I imagined life would be at this age, but I have adjusted and am happy. I get to spend time with my grandbaby and he is a joy in my life. Hubby and I have become putzers... we putz around the house and do things together. He continues to carry the brunt of the work, but I help as I can. It is a good life, Pam. My friends and family accept me with my limitations and I am a participant in life fully now.
And you? Oh, I have a million questions! You were getting ready to get into an apartment of your own last we shared. Have you been able to move on in life, Pam. after all you went through? And of course I have curiosity about Gwich. Was he ever able to get clean? How is the grandbaby? Daughter?
Pam, you have no idea how good my heart feels hearing from you! My friend, I have thought of you and wondered how you have fared in life. Do share some more, okay? You now, I woke up early here with head and neck and leg throbbing, but seeing you here has helped make it all fade away. Smiles. I am just so happy to see you.
Reach...:-) I am so very happy for you!! You sound so at peace with yourself and your life! I am sending a great big hug to you! And the grand baby's are so great aren't they! I am now a grandma of 6 and one more on the way in november!! Wow where do I start here? I am doing a whole lot better! I am now in my own apartment! ( yeah go me!) I am working now full time as a CMA! I am getting ready to start a business with my son...a cleaning company I will be in charge of all the crews and booking and such! So very excited! I will be a boss! Ok now for the not so good part...gwich is not doing well at all! I went back with him on several occasions...reach I tryed so hard but he just is not the man I married!!! I don't know that he ever will be again! He has been in and out of jail and has also been in and out of the hospital! He has now been told that he has about 2-3 years to live ONLY if he stops the crack...if he does not he will probably only live approximatly 6 months to a year! And he is still using as much as ever! I have come to terms with this as best as possible...I just have to take it one day at a time and some times one minute at a time! I feel as if I have all ready started to grieve for him...I know that sounds terrible but I guess it is what I need to do,for me! I am in therapy 2xs a week now and I don't know what I would do with out it! I started to dis-asscosiate from myself...that is where I would function in my every day life but not be me and I would not know what I did all day,it was like waking up from a deep sleep and not knowing how you got let's say to the store...not knowing how you got there or when ect! The doctor said that is how my mind was trying to deal with everything I was going through! I am now having no more of these episode's! I will go into more detail about a lot of the things that brought this on...because I feel that this may help some one here on this board! But for now I am going to take a hot bath and get something to eat and relax for a while I had a very long day at work! I will log back on in a couple of hours! I can't wait to talk more with you!! Miss you and Love you Pam :-)
You have become a liberated woman! I can not tell you how very proud I am of you. Pam, you have walked through fire and survived.
Now, CMA... okay, you need to spell it out for me. Chuckles. Certified... medical assistant? management accountant? what? what? it is making me nutz!
Your own place. Wow. I know that was a huge step for you. However, I think it has been a wonderful accomplishment. You need a place to be you, just you.
Going into business with your son? A boss? Pam, you know I have always wished you well, but this is beyond all I could have hoped for you. And you so well deserve every bit of it. The plate was so full for you for so long.... you have had to travel a special kind of recovery all your own. You have done it and done it so well, dear friend.
I, too, am in therapy with a wonderful lincensed clinical social worker. I have rallied from out of the dark depths of depression. and feel whole again. I have been going twice a week for quite a while, but this week have made an adjustment down to just once a week. It is good for me. It is enriching my life as I discover more about myself. I have done a great deal of work in the subconscious tht is helping me so much to understand my conscious thoughts and actions. (Hypnotherapy) I thought it was bunk initially, but have come to understand how much it helps me and I use it a great deal now even at home.
Gwich... it is with sadness that I read of his life. Gwich and I did have a special connection between us, but sadly, Gwich was not able to ever truly connect with himself. I truly believe he loved you, but could never find the capacity to love himself enough to change. I know the steps you had to take surely were some of the most difficult in your life, but you took them bravely. Your story is one many on here need to know... I hope that as time goes by, you can share it with those who have yet to know it.
I am so glad to have reconnected with you. I kniow your life is full and productive ( HURRAY!) but do try to update as you can.
reach... my friend how are you today? I am doing well! I just came into the den a little while ago to take a break from gwich! He is here and has been most of the day! Him being here has made me think about you and every one here on the board...so I have posted to some one here... I hope that I have helped even if just a little! I am not as wise as you nor do I have the gift of helping people like you!! It is heart breaking to hear the pain that weigh's heavy in their hearts and minds....I just can't seem to get the words from my brain to my hands to type! But I did and I felt better and I hope I did help! gwich is in bad shape right now,he is not breathing well and his color is grey! I have fed him and given him a nitro...I will let him get some rest and then he will either let me get him to the hospital or leave! I feel terrible that I have to do that...but I have to be STRONG for me! I would love to hear from you! Could use your kind words right now! Hope to hear from you soon...staying the course Pam
Last edited by raine; 05-01-2008 at 03:59 PM.
Reason: hit the wrong key and submitted before I was done
Wow, Pam, you are pulling strength from deep inside you handling all this. I don't know that I could do it... to find the capacity to still stand by Gwich while having to distance yourself at the same time. I am so glad you have sought out help with this. It is so sad, Pam, so very, very sad. I can well understand why you feel grieving already. I believe it is necessary. However long he makes it, I think even now you are grieving for the loss of the man you married, for all that might have been.
I was very proud of you when I read a response you wrote to another poster. Just as addicts need to know that others suffer in an addicted way, the spouses and care givers need to know they are not alone either and that others out here understand and care about their pain. It is brave to be able to so honestly share the pain you endure because how addiction has affected your life. You fight to survive the consequences of loving an addict, but survive you do .... and thrive even! And this is how it must be. Gwich's addiction can not suck the life out of you. How sad that would be. You can care about his problem, but you sure can not own it. Honestly, it breaks my heart to read about Gwich's condition at this point. It truly does. I feel grief about it. However, the extent of it can not even begin to compare what you must feel in your grief. I sincerely hope that you always keep in mind that you have been a faithful wife who has done every thing possible for him. I believe he knows that, also. Tell him for me, if you will, that I still think of him and care about him.
Pam, my heart breaks for you even as I watch in awe how you fight for your own survival. Continue to stay strong and look towards your future. There is a time of sdness coming, but so much hope also. You have dreams to fulfill and grandbabies to hug. Smiles. You are going to be a boss in business, but even more importantly, you are captain of your own personal ship.
I hope you dont mind me butting in for a sec, but I remember when you were going thru so much, and I have to say Im so happy for you and I knew you could do it.
It must really be hard dealing with all of this, and even tho gwich isnt staying the course, you are still being a friend to him.
I dont have but a second to post, but I wanted to say Im glad to see you are well. I come over here to read sometimes, and always wonder if youll be here.
Hidy Reach! bet this made you feel good! You have been a great friend to all of us, but especially Pam. Im glad you guys got to catch up!~
Way to go, Pam, you are a huge inspiration to anyone going thu rough times.
I have been reading your thread with your friend Pam and I just want to say that you are an Angel, a true friend to Pam and it makes me happy to read good words and feelings, you are a very special person from what I can feel.
Take care and Blessed Be....
Last edited by mod-anon; 05-12-2008 at 10:57 PM.
Reason: removed quote
Reach...How have you been? From what I have read you are truly finding the great things in life be them small or big...good or bad,as you said a balance! I am happy for you reach....no matter how young we get(smiles) we still have some things to learn along the way! And you do this like no one else! Ok now for what has been going on with me...I am so very angry with myself! I let gwich in again so he could get some thing to eat and shower and get some rest...he did not look well at all. He looked very tired and like he was coming down...anyway he ate and showered and I made his bed on the couch and waited for him to fall asleep! By that time it was about 3:00 AM! Anyway I went to bed and when he is here I put my money and meds in a pouch and sleep with it under my pillow! Well I must have been sleeping very hard because he was able to get in to the bedroom and under my pillow and get that pouch! I am not even sure how he knew that I put it there???? Anyway...Yes By the time I had gotten up he had spent all most all of it! And most of my meds were gone!!! Now I can't pay rent let alone any thing else! I am going to be evicted! I think I am going to move to kentucky with my mom and dad...and my youngest daughter and 2 of my grand baby's live there now too! It will be a hard thing to do. But at this point I feel like it is the only thing left to do! I have tryed every thing else...I need to get away from him for my own sake! Reach my friend what do you think?? I need you advice right now...I am scared! hugs Pam
I guess we just can't predict what lows any drug addict will stoop to in their intense desire to curb the cravings with a fix. Gwich is losing his moral bottom stealing from you, especially when you allowed him a place to rest.
My mind is just spinning with your dilemma right now. Move to where you will feel safer? Give up the business opportunity you have so looked forward to with your son?
Ah, I guess seeing it in black and white pretty much makes it more clear cut. Your safety and well-being must be the priority. It must be the priority in any situation involving an addict and family. Though not family anymore in the traditional sense, you and gwich still have that type of connection. He is not going to stop looking for refuge in you as long as you are within his reach. It seems moving to Kentucky ... and not letting him know where you have gone... is the safest thing to do. And who knows, Pam? Maybe there are opportunities for you there that can not yet be imagined. The best of the known opportunities is the one for some peace. It is time for peace for you, Pam. Peace in living with familt members you do not have to fear... peace to sleep in your own bed without worry.
You know, he probably knew exactly where to look for your money and meds because he has been in jail and probably spent nights in shelters.... in these environments, people know that on their person is the safest place to keep valuables. Understanding this gave gwich a step up on understanding where what he wanted was at your place.
Nope, you can not continue to live like this. I do think, though, that you should call the police and make a report about what happened. The money is long gone, but at least it will protect you if you need an earlier refill for your meds.
Maybe this last event is the impetus to really and truly just make the final break from gwich. Maybe it is the opportunity to cut any remaining ties and really begin your life over in a safe place with family. You gave the marriage every chance. You have extended yourself in human compassion way beyond any limits expected of anyone. The ties need to be cut. I know you will always care about him, but leaving yourself prone to his addictive ways is not productive or healthy for you. Can't allow him to drag you down into his hell and whether he means to or not, that is what he is doing. Take yourself out of his reach by getting out of his reach. Time for some compassion for yourself.
As always, you will be in my thoughts and prayers.