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Old 05-01-2008, 06:11 AM   #1
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SpinalMalady HB UserSpinalMalady HB User
Unhappy He's going to die, and very soon.

Some of you have seen a smattering of postings here and there (mostly to topics regarding Alcoholism).

I need some support. I am so at a loss right now, and don't know where to turn. Though I often "preach" Al-Anon, I'm really burned out on going to meetings, and I find myself just not knowing where to turn.

Backstory:

1985: Oldest brother died at the age of 33 due to chirossis (sp? sorry) of the liver. He had drank himself in and out of 4 comas before passing away. During the entire process my family (I'm the baby of 7) underwent family counseling, and then Al-anon. Because we understood the idea of enabling, we totally and completely stopped enabling him, he moved 3 hours away. He died alone, and he died from drinking one quarter of a can of beer. That's just how shot his liver was. Matter of fact, when he took a bath, his bath water would turn yellow because the jaundice was so bad.


Now I have another brother, that is now in his late 50's. His life has been tough. In 1974 he was in a tragic accident that burned him on 60% of his body. In the course of recovery, he was in the hospital, without ever seeing daylight, or the outside world, for 6 months straight, in isolation. He became addicted to (dependant on) morphine, valium and a myriad of other prescription drugs. During this time, my parents hired a tutor, I left school, went to his hospital, was trained in his physical therapy exercises (I was only 14) so that he could come home, and I could work with him on his therapy every day. I was tutored (no home schooling back then) and finished the year out from home. He came home, and faced his demons of withdrawl from the massive medications he had been on in the hospital. During his hospital stay, his pregnat wife gave birth to his first daughter, and then she took up with his best fried. He would have hallucinations while in the hospital, that she left him because of the disfigurement. He returned home, and a few months later, he found her in bed with his best friend. To compensate for physical and emotional pain, he used street drugs off and on, and alcohol. Fast forward again.

He's at the point now, where just because his life has "sucked" and because he's been through so much, he doesn't care. He's gonna die. I see it. I KNOW it. Thing is, I am soooo ****** off at him. I hate what it is doing to my mother. I watched my other brother drive nails into my fathers coffin, and literally send him to an early grave. I was not in my older (other) brother's life when he died, and I was ****** at him when he died.

I'm angry at this brother too. Even though he lives here, across town, I haven't seen him in months. I know that he's running out of money, and may soon be out on the streets. I feel guilty for telling my sister to stop going by, stop cleaning his apt., stop taking care of his bills. IF he doesn't want the help to stop, all OUR wanting him to, won't fix it for him.

I've cried rivers of tears. I've felt guilt. I've worried about suicide with him. I don't know what to do. I'm angry, and so very sad.

I'm sorry to go on like this. I guess basically I just need prayers from you guys. This board is a wonderful support system, and though I usually can be found on the Pain Management board, I do read here daily.

Good luck to you all. Thanks for reading this far.

To those that are clean, congrats, and keep up the fight.
To those that are struggling, continue the fight to GET clean.
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Old 05-01-2008, 06:45 AM   #2
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Re: He's going to die, and very soon.

SpinalMalady ~~~~

First,good morning.

I'm very sorry for the predicament you are in. I dont have alot of experience with alcohol, but I have Plenty of experience with drugs. pretty much same thing,I think.
Seems like many of us are either addicts, or have family and/or friends who are. Its never easy. Personally,I cant believe that my wife has stuck by me our whole lives...(well,the last 17 years,anyhow.)

I probably cant do a whole lot for you.But...on another note...
I'm not really a religious guy but I have always had some kind of a relationship w/ God, but lately since I have gotten clean it just seems a bit better...

If I'm not out of line here, can I suggest doing some serious praying yourself...it seems to work well for me when I am totally down and out and have nowhere else to turn...

I in turn will say a prayer for you.Sometimes its all we've got.

Hang in there.

peace,and God bless.

jerry.

 
Old 05-01-2008, 07:48 AM   #3
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Re: He's going to die, and very soon.

Thank you so much jerry. You are not out of line at all.

I think I have a direct line to God these days. It seems prayer is all I have anymore, and I do a ton of it.

I pray for you guys here on these boards, and my buddies on the Pain boards EVERY day, sometimes OFTEN during the day.

I'm just so at a loss right now, and very scared. Having been through it once already, and knowing the outcome, doesn't help. He's in his last days. I see it in his eyes. Right now, it's almost like it's just a matter of waiting for the dreaded phone call.

Thanks again for your prayer. It really means a lot.
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Old 05-01-2008, 08:03 AM   #4
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Re: He's going to die, and very soon.

Be strong.

*hugs*

jerry.

 
Old 05-01-2008, 08:16 AM   #5
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Re: He's going to die, and very soon.

SpinalMalady,

I just wanted you to know that I am here to support you. All you need to do is ask and I will come here to chat anytime.

One thing that I can suggest is some type of Grief counseling (sp) I dont know if you would be interested in doing it but because of the many different things you and your family have experienced I think it might help you to process better.

Other than that I am with Jerry! Praying always helps me. As you already know I am having a tough day so I am doing alot of praying. I still am not feeling very good.

Grief is a funny thing! It has so many stages and they have no order. Sometimes you think that you have walked through something until some thing happens and triggers all the old thoughts and feelings again.

I really would like to chat longer but I need to go and lay down.
I will say some prayers for you and your family.

God Bless
Chrissy

 
Old 05-01-2008, 08:47 AM   #6
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Friend999 HB User
Re: He's going to die, and very soon.

Dear Becky,

I feel as helpless as you, for you and your brother. Chrissy and Jerry are trying to help, and probably feel as helpless as I do, so I cannot add much.

I will pray for you as well as your brother. Do you pray for you, Becky?

Chrissy's suggestion on grief counseling is a good suggestion. Do you go to church? Can you have a heart to heart talk with your pastor or priest? I'm not a very religeous, but it seems God is all around you in church. I might suggest going to church when there are no services. Sit and talk to God.

Lastly, Becky, I ask you to think of this. Should your brother die, many thoughts will fill your head besides guilt and grief. One of them will probably be "What more could I have done?" Try to think of those answers now. If you come up with some, and do them, then you might just have a little bit more peace with the idea that "You did your best". A long letter to him. Go visit him. Talk with him. Turn him toward God. I don't mean enabling him, and and I'm not saying you haven't done these things, I'm just trying to suggest that even if it happens, you can say you did your best. You will need to be able to say that to help in your grief, because we worry about you too.

I guess I really don't have an answer, just thoughts. I'm far from being a counselor. My very best to you, and, again, you both will be in my prayers.

Friend999

 
Old 05-01-2008, 11:04 AM   #7
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raine HB User
Re: He's going to die, and very soon.

Hi SpinalMalady...I read your post and it touched my heart! My story reads very much like yours! Bare with me I am new at this ( I am normally the one here asking for support) But if I can help you in any way support,comfort,anything by telling a bit of my story then I will! My husband is an addict his drug of choice is crack cocaine! But he has done it all...oxys,methodone,xanax,crank,alcohol just to name a few! His addiction really started when he had a car accident back in 1996! He started useing to get as he said "numb" He recovered fully physically but never emotionally! He never stoped using! Now fast forward 12 years...he has suffered 3 crack cocaine induced heart attacks,he also has a enlarged heart! He was told just about a month ago that he would probably only live approximatly another 2-3 years only IF he stopped useing the crack! If he did not he would be lucky to live another 6 months to a year! And he is still useing as much if not more than ever! By the way he is 43 years young! I want you to know you are not alone in this! I know all to well the hurt,the guilt,the desperation,the sadness! I have done everything I know of to try and change everything....him us the drug you name it...but I have come to realize that I can only change/help me! I myself have all ready started to grieve for this man I love! I am their when he needs me to hold his hand,or give him a hot meal,a place occasionally to lay his head! But I will no longer enable him! I will no longer try to save him....only he can do that! I say a prayer every night for him and for myself to stay strong! I will be saying one for you tonight! And I agree with the others try to get some kind of counseling...I have and it has helped me through this so very much! If I can be of any help please post and I will be here! Be strong...Raine

 
Old 05-01-2008, 01:00 PM   #8
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Re: He's going to die, and very soon.

This is going to sound like a silly question, but pardon my ignorance. Where does one go for "grief" counseling.

Honestly, I think I need anger management at this point. Truely, I'm still so mad at him. Intellectually, I hear what you all are saying, and I know from the previous experience with my other brother that HE HAS to WANT to change things or it doesn't matter...but I'm just so darn tired of seeing what it's doing to our 81 year old mother. She has begged and pleaded with him. She has cried to him and for him. Her blood pressure is literally out of the roof. She had a crisis last weekend with her blood pressure from all of it.

I'm a "out of sight out of mind" kind of girl. If I stay away from him, it's all okay...and that's horrible. I'm terrible for doing that, but I've talked till I'm blue in the face and he says he just doesn't care. He doesn't see it as a problem, he doesn't feel he has any obligation to mom, so "shutup" is what he told me. So I have!! Pure and simple.

But I'm clearly not handling it well. CLEARLY. I bawled like a baby all day at school. My students (adults) were wondering what was up with me. It's hard to stay focused right now, and we're right in the middle of semester final exams. Their grades are due next friday. Sheesh!!!

So anyway, would my PM psychologist do grief therapy?? Just wondering where or who to go to for that??
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12/10/04 MicroD & Hemi Lami 100% Success
09/05 Re-injured post Katrina
06-07 In Pain Mgmt. trying to deal
3/9/07 2 Level PLIF due to CES

 
Old 05-01-2008, 02:37 PM   #9
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raine HB User
Re: He's going to die, and very soon.

SpinalMalady....it is me again raine! I guess one of the emotions that I left out was ANGER! It is the one I felt the strongest for a very long time! I still do at time's! I also understand the way this all can effect some one's health! I am a diabetic and I have chron's...I was hospitalized on many occasions because of the stress...my blood sugar was out of sight and my chron's went nuts on me! I also started to dis-ascosiate from myself! I would function in my every day life and not remember any of it! I would come out of it as if I was in a deep sleep! Any way my phyciatrist said this is what my mind was doing to cope with all of the Anger and other emotion's I was dealing with! It is under control now...with the help of a phyciatrist! Your anger is normal...but you need to get the help you so despritaly need right now! Not only to help yourself but to help your mother! It sounds like your mother needs you right now...you need to be their for her now! Your brother has made his choice for now! I am not saying that you should forget about your brother,he needs help too but is not willing at this point! So Please get the counseling you need right now...and yes your PM should be able to help if not he/she will be able to get you to some one who can help! keep posting there are so many wonderful people here that are very wise...and will do their best to guide you through this trying time! keeping you in my prayer's Raine

 
Old 05-01-2008, 04:01 PM   #10
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isitme HB Userisitme HB User
Re: He's going to die, and very soon.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SpinalMalady View Post
This is going to sound like a silly question, but pardon my ignorance. Where does one go for "grief" counseling.

Honestly, I think I need anger management at this point. Truely, I'm still so mad at him. Intellectually, I hear what you all are saying, and I know from the previous experience with my other brother that HE HAS to WANT to change things or it doesn't matter...but I'm just so darn tired of seeing what it's doing to our 81 year old mother. She has begged and pleaded with him. She has cried to him and for him. Her blood pressure is literally out of the roof. She had a crisis last weekend with her blood pressure from all of it.

I'm a "out of sight out of mind" kind of girl. If I stay away from him, it's all okay...and that's horrible. I'm terrible for doing that, but I've talked till I'm blue in the face and he says he just doesn't care. He doesn't see it as a problem, he doesn't feel he has any obligation to mom, so "shutup" is what he told me. So I have!! Pure and simple.

But I'm clearly not handling it well. CLEARLY. I bawled like a baby all day at school. My students (adults) were wondering what was up with me. It's hard to stay focused right now, and we're right in the middle of semester final exams. Their grades are due next friday. Sheesh!!!

So anyway, would my PM psychologist do grief therapy?? Just wondering where or who to go to for that??

I can relate to you on so many levels. With me it is a son, not a brother and I am also going through it second time round, (first time with the x). No one wants to see lifes' events repeating themselves. Once is enough. Anger is part of the grieving process and people do grieve despite their loved one still being alive. I remained angry at my son for years and have only lately accepted that that is the way he wishes to live........dodging death on a daily basis. His choice yes.......but that doesn't make his choice any easier to bear on our conscience when our mind goes in overdrive, guilty for thinking as we do. I'm also 'out of sight, out of mind' person. The truth is I can not handle the pain of what he is doing, the sadness he fills me with, the son I expected to have, all expectations shattered. It's the lesser of the the evils;
for me guilt of staying away is easier to bear than the sadness/anxiety (and much anger in the past) of seeing him.
Bottom line is - do whatever is easier for you to cope with emotionally. Neither options are easy, I know.

 
Old 05-02-2008, 04:04 PM   #11
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Re: He's going to die, and very soon.

Hey my friend!
I dont have alot to say except that you know Im here for you, and I hope you can get some peace for yourself. you are such a wonderful lady, always looking out for everyone else, and you have your own problems too.
Hang in there, and keep praying, God will stay with you.
Im sorry I dont have more to add. Just that Im here for you~

xoxoxox,
IZZY'SMOM

 
Old 05-02-2008, 06:22 PM   #12
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Re: He's going to die, and very soon.

Hello SM,

Unresolved anger only hurts one person in the long run; you.

If you have tried talking and expressing that you care but it hurts too much to see what is currently going on; if you have expressed that you love him and will be there for him if or when he is ready to seek help, then you pretty much have done all that can be asked of you.

Saving the world is an impossibility(take it from a person who has tried) and most certainly leads to disappointment.

You must learn to be a better friend to yourself.

I hear that you are trying to be there for everyone but who will be there for you if and when the time comes?

At the very least, please look out for #1 because I know that you are getting sick and tired of stepping in #2.

Respectfully,

Phoenix

 
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