I just started this board in hopes to seek advice and support from other people such as myself. Addicts. I am dealing with the worst emotions about myself, my addiction, my life and what the hell is wrong with me? I hate the things i do to my body, mind and soul. I am told and believe myself that i am stronger than most people can imagine but if i am so strong then why can't my strenght pull me out of this hell i have created for myself.
When i use i sit there saying the same things to myself " you can do so much better", "you hate how you feel and how you are going to feel when it's gone". but do another and another. I just feel so trapped.
So go ahead and hit me with your best shot cause this girl needs a slap in the face!
Theres alot of us in the same boat here...dont feel so bad--we all need to start somewhere and just by you saying how you feel is a good start.
I've been an addict in some form or another for many years. I'm 42. Married, 3 girls. Doesnt make for the best husband/daddy,does it...
I dont know how many times over the years i have said the exact same thing as you. Exactly. man,I'm better than this...why am I doing this to myself...thinking about my poor wife sitting up and waiting for me while I'm in some other addicts bathroom smoking crack, or at some other addicts house buying and snorting oxycontin...doesnt matter what it is,its all the same. We hate ourselves while we're using but cant seem to stop...
For me, you have to really, actually want to stop. You have to NEED it. Deep down.
Its so much easier to keep using. Just ask me,I have been forever. I tried many times.
For some reason,tho, a few weeks back something just hit me and I knew I HAD to stop. Right then and there. So I did it. Boy,did it suck. I hadnt dont the crack in a long time, but my drug of choice was snorting oxycontins or whatever opiate I could get my hands on,just so I wasnt dopesick. methadone, oxys,vicodan,percosets,roxys...
Boy,I've just so gotten so sick of being sick, chasing the dope, so worried if I went home for the weekend and didnt have enuff drugs to last me till Monday morning when I could get more...spending all my money...looking at my dark eyes in the mirror...
So I quit. I did screw up after 20 days of not using last Saturday and did a couple of lines,but I know my mistake,have accepted it and moved foreward.
I'm back on Day 5 now,(darn,it should be 25...) but thats ok because my mind is in the right place.
My point here is that after roughly 25 years of being an addict that I have stopped,and you can,too. You've probably heard it b4, but if I can do it,then you certainly can....
I'm not gonna sugar coat it. Its not easy. But stop and take a look at yourself like I did. I didnt like what I saw. I knew what I needed to do. Its just too bad it took me 25 years to figure it out.
Even after just this short period of time,I feel great. the past couple of days I've felt a little icky, but that'll pass. I cant even begin to tell you how good it feels after soooo long to not have drugs in me.
Stop and take an evaluation of yourself. Look in the mirror. You CAN do this if you want it.
Pray for some help and guidance. Its what it took for me. I had to get down on my knees and beg. Really beg. Tears streaming down my face begging.
It worked,tho. My whole attitude has changed. Life is getting better,day by day.
Take some time and read alot here. Theres some incredible inspiration here.
I've said enuff. Kep posting and let us know how you're doing. People really do care here.
Phoenix and Jerry say it better than I can. Please heed their words.
The things they suggest can be done in the old preverbial "baby steps".
1. Force yourself to read these posts daily! 10 minutes...two hours?
2. Gain knowledge here and on other sites. Knowledge is power, as they say.
3. As you gain knowledge and read of the experiences of others, you should begin to feel that, yes, you can do it too.
4. Form a plan with your knowledge. Make decisions (taper or cold turkey) (or suboxone) (tell no-one of your secret, tell one person, tell everyone) (what aftercare: this forum, doctors, AA, NA, etc.)(many other decisions).
5. Write your plan down.
6. Post often, especially as questions arise, and decisions about your plan need to be made.
7. Reply to other posts. It should help them AND you. Jerry and Phoenix are excellent examples.
8. Pick a date to intiate you plan.
9. Go for it, and keep us aware. The support on this forum is amazing.
10. HATE the drug, LOVE yourself, and believe in yourself, the future, and a beautiful life!
My recommendations come only from reading thse posts 1-2 hours a day for about five months, and summarizing what the caring people on this forum have told me, directly or indirectly. I have no experience with drugs personally, I'm just trying to figure out how I can be the best friend possible to someone that is.
Much respect and thanks,
I have decided to vent 2 you guys a bit about myself just so you can have a bit of understanding of where i come from and how far i have come. In hopes to help your interpretations and or advice.
I was born into a lifestyle of drugs and alcohol. I also have never met my biological father. My mother dated a president of a bikers crew. I'm sure I don't need to fill in the blanks most people are aware of what kind of environment they lead, or have a good idea. Our house was the party house. My mother is an alcoholic. She had a beer fridge beside her bed and had beer for breakfast. I remember my sister and i would get freaked out and think she was dead cause she'd be in a deep drunkin sleep bangin pots and pans beside her head trying to wake her up. But knew she wasn't dead cause she was still breathing. I also remember mirrors and razor blades on them at the time i had no idea but as i be came a user myself it clicked as to what they were for. My older sister did the best she could tryin to hide from me what she could.
Mom would drag us to late night parties cause there was no babysitter. Sometimes to the dealers but i had to wait outside for her. I didn't know then but I know now. She did get sber for like ten years i think it was because she was gonna loose us? When I became about 12 is when my broken road began I already smoked pot but I found a big bag of shrooms in moms room and never done them but heard of them I took a sandwich bag full and ate more then half. Thats more then an oz. I was hooked. I loved it everything about it and from there it escalated within half a year i was doing hard drugs everyday all day.It was never enuf and the further from reality the better. I was introduced to k and found my drug of choice. I loved and still love how messed i get. It scares me and a lot of my friends they were always sayin to me " girl please stop even just for a bit." I didn't I just wanted to get away. I started using crack about 4 years ago and just as i did with all the others I pushed it 2 the limit. Only there was mo limit I had a close brush with death one night using crack my left chest hurt so bad I couldnt feel my arm and as scared as i was and knew in my heart that the next toke could be my last I still took it. I know that I wanted to die. I give myself some credit tho cause when the dark thoughts got pitch black i would call my soul sister or my mom. They were there and they understood thats why I called them. That told me there was still a shred of self love in my heart otherwise i would have just let myself go. When I was younger I didn't want to grow up and be a doctor or firefighter, etc. As messed up as it is and it is I wanted to grow up and be a dope dealer. I used to say I wanted to be a coke head like jenny .I didnít want a family or kids. I had asked my doctor since I was 14 to have my tubes tied.
All that changed when I met my current boyfriend not right away of course but over time with the unconditional love he showed me. As messed up as I was he never gave up on me. As much crap as I put him threw he stuck with me. I donít know where I would be now if he had not come into my life. I might not be 100% but I have come a long way. I no longer hustle. I use three times a week if that and one or two substances at a time apposed to the three Ė five I used from when I would get up till I would fall asleep again. I have inproved a lot anyway I know itís a lot to take in and sorry itís so long truthfully I could go on a lot more I know we all could but it felt nice to share some of that! thanks again push
Friend 999, first let me say that I thought your post was wonderful and informative and there is absolutley no way that you were out of line. We're all in this together, addicts helping and supporting addicts. Thank you very much for your post.
I mean it.
Push2, good morning.
Thanks so much for sharing. Brings it a little bit more personal, and easier to relate to your issues. I think that Friend999 said it well. Post often. Please continue to let us all know where your head is at. It seems that by talking together, alot of stuff comes out and good decisions get made. Read alot of posts here. There is much inspiration to be had.
Work out some kind of a plan. I hear a cry for help that will not go unheeded if you continue to come and share here.
We're all here for you. Good or bad. Keep posting.
From an early age, you were surrounded by drugs and alcohol and couldn't escape its' atmosphere, even if you wanted to.
Before the age of 12 you were already experimenting with marijuana, which in many circles is known as a "gateway" drug.
This drug led you down the pathway to a host of others and it was either the false sense of security or the fact that you were taken away from reality(even for a little while) that provided you with a good enough reason to continue.
The truth of the matter is that one only controls drugs up until the time they are ingested;then the roles become reversed.
It is easy to allow a substance to be responsible; simply because it takes the burden off of the person abusing it.
This is why people will often say statements like "the drugs made me do it" and so on.
With respect to your situation, an unintentionally patterned circle had been formed for you and unless you realized this, the only result could have been what happened; things coming full circle.
You do not love drugs, for a substances only capacity is to cause harm, on many different levels. How can one love something that cannot love it back and literally has the potential to kill its' user?
You like the anticipation when you get it because you know where it will take you mentally.
In order for you to break the circle, one of the first things that needs to be done is to stop rationalizing, for all it does is add continuous fuel to a fire that needs to be quenched.
One drug is too many and one thousand is not enough.
You can do this but remember that anything really worth having and being truly appreciative of, is going to take quite a bit of effort to attain.
Take care of yourself.
Last edited by Phoenix; 05-02-2008 at 05:54 PM.
I am a little confused as to what you mean by rationalizing? what is it i am rationalizing ? I really appreciate your advise and would welcome it again. please keep in mind I am not very good at reading between the lines nor figuring out out contextual clues and such. I can try but it's very difficult. I want 2 understand as much as i can.
You mentioned in another thread that you were on methadone and I have a feeling that there is much more to be revealed.
Though I do not ask you to do so(only share what you are comfortable with), it seems that there may have been some traumatic episodes which you are trying to block out, thus dealing with the issues by escaping.
Have you ever thought of seeing a psychiatrist?
I ask this because it seems that you need an outlet and the one that you have chosen for yourself is counter-productive.