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Old 05-04-2008, 06:44 PM   #1
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Not invincible.

Hey guys and gals.
First,no,I didnt use.I had quite a scare,but I didnt do it.

Let me explain. My family and I went down to Boston this weekend for a family get together,nice,was my older brothers daughters first communion. I'm the black sheep,my family is all pretty straight,couple beers now and then,thats it,no drugs at all. We had a really nice weekend.
Loads of people,great food,etc, saw some great folks we havent seen in awhile since we moved to Maine a few years ago. Again,great time.
So i go to get a glass out of the kitchen cupboard,and BAM.
Bottle of pills,look closer, see "hydrocodone,for pain..."
BAM,BAM,BAM...heart lurching from my chest,had to go outside...smoke a butt...there goes my demon trying to figure out how to get those pills...and here is my strong side fighting it...was absolutely awful...Here i have been so good and figure i am so damn strong,but I am not.
Again,tho,I didnt use.was awful,but I didnt do it.
Fought it all night, we stayed there, woke up early,and here is my demon being an absolute hateful thing...here goes the battle again...I went so far as to open the cupboard..look at the bottle...hydrocodone,hydrocodone...
I was scared bad.
You want to know what stopped me?????????????????
YOU GUYS.
I kid you not.
This has become my safe place that I love dearly and need badly. I could not do those pills and come in here and feel good and do not want to lose the very good,no,great feelings I get thru this place.
You have no idea how many different ways i thought about getting away with taking some of those pills but could not bring myself to do it for fear of losing much.
I hate this. This was bad. I am an addict and realized it very much this weekend.I will always be an addict,even if dont ever use again. This realization is so scary.
I have been so strong,and felt so good about what I am doing for quite awhile now,(for me,anyhow) and felt soooo weak this weekend. I dont like feeling weak.

It was because of this place that I did not use this weekend. I know its not a good reason, but right now I can sit here and be honest and feel good and if I had used I would not feel good and might not be here,and I dont want that.
I want this,instead.

If all of you had not been supporting me thru this past month the way you have been, with love and sincerity and hope I might have used this weekend.

Thank you all so much. I am still clean.

jerry.

 
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Old 05-04-2008, 06:54 PM   #2
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Re: Not invincible.

Very inspirational! I am glad that you made that choice! I will keep you in my prayers!

 
Old 05-04-2008, 07:18 PM   #3
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Re: Not invincible.

Hello Jerry,

We simply approached you with some of the tools that were given to us and you chose to accept them, thus placing them in your "emergency tool bag of recovery."

What you have done and continue to do is part of what you have learned thusfar..............

and we never cease to learn until we cease to exist.

You are on the road to recovery; the tests are proof positive of this.

Take care and way to go.

Respectfully,

Phoenix

 
Old 05-04-2008, 07:22 PM   #4
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Re: Not invincible.

"It was because of this place that I did not use this weekend. I know its not a good reason, but right now I can sit here and be honest and feel good and if I had used I would not feel good and might not be here,and I dont want that."

Jerry Jerry Jerry !!! ANY REASON IS A GOOD REASON NOT TO USE !!!
CONGRATS. it takes time but it WILL get easier and now you KNOW you can do it. IM SO PROUD OF YOU !!!

HUGS,

michelle

 
Old 05-05-2008, 05:23 AM   #5
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Re: Not invincible.

Jerry:

Whatever the reason that you decided NOT to use, WAY to go Brother!!!

I'm proud of you for your strenght, and proud of you for your wisdom. You ultimately decided that it would be BEST FOR YOU not to do so....

Whether it was because you would be A) embarrassed to confess to the board, B) Not want to face a setback or C) just the realization of this crap is not good for my mind or body.... whatever the reason, you chose, YOU made the conscious choice not to use.

I'm extremely proud of you when put in that situation that you were able to remain strong. WAY TO GO buddy!! You did good. Keep it up, and know that we're all here for you!!

Take care.
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Last edited by SpinalMalady; 05-05-2008 at 05:24 AM.

 
Old 05-05-2008, 05:42 AM   #6
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Re: Not invincible.

Good morning,and thanks for the replies.

I feel good today, but yesterday ( 5 am while everybody was sleeping) when I had that pill bottle in my hand I was scared to death. Now,I didnt do any,and put it back quickly, but just for me to reach into that cupboard...take out the pill bottle, read it...I even went so far as to open it and look inside....that was bad,bad, bad.

I know any reason is a good reason, but for me to have that open bottle in my hand shows how weak I really am....and just how easy it would be to be right back where I was; A really bad drug addict oxy snorting pill popping fiend. It would be soooo easy to be right back there and when I tell you I was scared that is an understatement.

Funny how it comes at us...my brothers house was the last place I ever even expected to see any narcotics...I think they are for his bad back. Probably been in there for a year. Seems to me like danger is around every corner.

If I continue to be clean is my addiction going to get better?
Am I not going to be scared seeing a stipid pill bottle?
Does it take ten years or will I never be normal again?

I ask myself these things and worry so much. I want to do good like you dont even know...or you probably do. I hate worrying. I hate the one day at a time thing. I know I need to and will continue but addiction just plain sucks.
I look at people like my brother, or so many others who have never been and will never be an addict and then I look at myself. Folks who are not addicts have absolutlely no idea whatsoever how lucky they are. They just dont know
how lucky they are not to have to go thru what we do, battle for good or bad in your head, fighting this every stinkin step of the way.

I really do worry that maybe I'll be clean for ten years, 20 or 8 months...and that I will use. I hate this daily battle right now. And then if I do use that I'll be right back where I started...

I feel good today. I'm just venting, please bear w/ me. I guess I'm clean today and thats all that matters.Right now,at least. That pill bottle of hydrocodone at my brothers just hit me like a ton of bricks as to just how vulnerable I am. I'm not invincible, but I'm sure as hell going to keep trying. day by day.

peace,and God bless.
jerry.

 
Old 05-05-2008, 05:52 AM   #7
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Re: Not invincible.

Quote:
I guess I'm clean today and thats all that matters.Right now,at least.


Even if you have to take it one minute at a time, do it....it's okay. Don't worry about what the future holds. It can become so very overwhelming. If you focus on the here and now, the future will take care of itself.

I know you are really bummed, but at the same time, you should be really proud. I know I'm very proud of you. You overcame a MAJOR hurdle.

Peace my friend.
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12/10/04 MicroD & Hemi Lami 100% Success
09/05 Re-injured post Katrina
06-07 In Pain Mgmt. trying to deal
3/9/07 2 Level PLIF due to CES

 
Old 05-05-2008, 07:15 AM   #8
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Re: Not invincible.

JERRY KICKED THAT DEMON IN THE AZZ !!!!!

Way to go!

VERY PROUD OF YOU!

I know, I know. Not supposed to shout. Its rude, but..

Its worth shouting about!

Friend999

 
Old 05-05-2008, 08:02 AM   #9
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Re: Not invincible.

Again,I certainly do appreciate the support,BUT....

If I'm doing so good,which I do feel I am, why the heck would I go so far as to sneak up at 5 am, open the cabinet, take the bottle down, read and re-read it, and even open it and look at those pills...this bothers me alot.

I know I didnt use, but to do what i just described is so bad in itself.
I'm feeling like I screwed up by just doing that. I obviously should not be doing stuff like that so why did I.

I guess what I'm saying is that i am seeing opening that bottle and even just looking at those pills as a failure. If I was stronger then I wouldnt have even gotten to that point.

I mean, how close of a call and how bad is that to let myself even get to that point...my heart was beating so fast and I was trying to give myself every reason in the world why just 4-5 would not hurt me...

I hated myself for even getting to that point. The war that was going on in my head at that point was awful.

Anyhow. Whats done is done and I need to move on, and take even that issue as a major lesson.

Thanks again.

jerry.

 
Old 05-05-2008, 11:17 AM   #10
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Re: Not invincible.

Jerry --you should be very proud of yourself. I have been confronted like that many times and have lost. You have won and most importantly you have LEARNED. That is the key. This is a learning battle and the more we can teach each other on HOW to stay clean the better. Way to go from the student to teacher in one day! Thanks.

D
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Old 05-05-2008, 02:25 PM   #11
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Re: Not invincible.

Hi Jerry

You are so right in that none of us is invincible. None of us. Recognizing that is a maturity in sobriety. Dear Jerry, sobriety is still a brand new thing for you... of course there will still be battles in your head every time drugs turn up unexpectedly for you! The thinking is still battling hard between an old, embedded habit and thenew one you are working to form. The more practice that comes with time, the more solidly the new habit will take over.

You held that bottle and your brain was in a fenzy fighting between recognizing it either as an opportunity or a danger. And you allowed the sober thought of danger to override the old habit. Please try to replace the worry of it with the victory of it. It truly has been a victory you know. You are a changing man, Jerry, and the change is showing. Rejoice in it. Change takes time in anything we attempt to change. Change is a struggle. Old thoughts do not disappear simply because we want them to. They disappear with a lot of work... and you worked hard on it putting that bottle back without taking anything.

We ask in our prayers not to be led into temptation, but if it shows up, then we need to ask for the strength not to fall into the temptation. I am more sure than I have ever been that I can not control life, but I also know now that what I can control is how I react to it. I believe that is what we have to strive for... reacting to life with the control we put into place in our thinking. The lessons we learn as we withdraw from drugs are lessons we must not forget. In withdrawal we know so well and are even excited about getting clean and not taking the drugs. As long as we keep these original lessons intact, we can handle the unexpected.

Looks like you have a lot of friends here on the board caring about you and rooting for you. Just look at the responses on this one thread. Smiles. You are going to be okay, Jerry. This episode has passed and there are better things to focus on, my friend... like your continuing sobriety.

God bless
reach

 
Old 05-05-2008, 03:19 PM   #12
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Re: Not invincible.

Hello Jerry,

Remember that you are always in recovering mode and are never completely recovered but with each experience we become more aware of our surroundings.

If the saying "one day at a time" bothers you then just live today with the wisdom as you did yesterday, for whatever was done yesterday was good enough to bring in today substance free.

Keep your recovery "tools" with you at all times and you will be alright.

Above all else, remember that in being human, we will be subjected to test the resolve of our weaknesses; whatever they may be. It is when we rise to the occasion(as you did) that we become more enlightened.

Take care.

Phoenix

Last edited by Phoenix; 05-06-2008 at 02:02 AM.

 
Old 05-05-2008, 03:31 PM   #13
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Re: Not invincible.

Hi Jerry, I am so proud of you for not taking any. I personally know how hard it it. My mom has breast cancer and always has pills around that she never takes. She just has a cupboard full of them and as bad as it sounds I have been very tempted. Also, my faher in law also is in pain management and has some strong stuff, my DOC, and I am also tempted then. I will admit I have picked up the bottles and even put the pills in my hand but thought, what if one day my mom really needs it and I took it, I would never forgive myself. Jerry, you have been such an inspiration to me and others. Dont get too down on yourself. We will al make it together!! Lindsay

 
Old 05-06-2008, 08:42 AM   #14
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Re: Not invincible.

Linds...*smile*

Boy would I have a hard time with that. You are stronger than you know,having those pills handy and not using! I'd have a hard time for sure.
We WILL make it together. thanks fer the support,together is better and easier than alone any day.

Pheonix ~
Its not that " One day at a time" bothers me, it just seems like,for right now at least, that each day is so much work and when you look at the big picture of the coming years and years ( I hope! *lol* ) it can get overwhelming.
Btw,thanks for all yer responses to me. They help. Yer a good dude. *grin*

Reach ~
You're so right, I am brand new to all of this. Hopefully, and I believe it will, this whole mess will get easier over time.
You mentioned that in withdrawl we can even be excited about being clean. It does seem that in the immediate days following being sick, and being freshly clean,it really was exciting. I must say that I am not quite as "excited" about being clean,as the newness is starting to wear off a bit, but I do feel an even deeper rejoicing way,way inside me as each day does go by. I do feel sooooo much healthier,my mind is clearer and not in a constant fog and I feel so much better about myself as a person.
How good can we possibly feel when we are using day after day after day after year after year....Thank God I am just starting to figure this out after so long. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I didnt know if I would EVER get clean. What a relief.
As far as the friends here, Thank God for that,too. As you know I dont go to meetings, so I come here. The support that I have recieved here has been overwhelming in itself and I honestly dont know where I'd be without it.
For this,I thank you, aand everyone here,over and over and again and again.

I actually do feel like I'm starting to grow in sobriety. Just a bit. Learning just a little bit each day. I think thats enuff. Baby steps,right?

Reach,again,thank you. And every one else here,too. Might not be here without ya. Everyone here is much more important than they even realize, I think.
Just one simple comment,to the right person at the right time might just set off a little tiny spark of goodness that will carry someone thru the day or start themn on thier way to sobriety. That is just so huge.

I think I'm starting to ramble.

THANKS ALL,AND HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY!!!!!!!!!!

JERRY.

 
Old 05-06-2008, 09:44 AM   #15
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Re: Not invincible.

Good Morning, Jerry

I am glad to see you a bit more chipper this morning. Smiles. Working in sobriety means a heck of a lot of thinking on our parts and that is very tiring. We need a lot of rest ! Chuckles.

Jerry, you wrote to us:

Just one simple comment,to the right person at the right time might just set off a little tiny spark of goodness that will carry someone thru the day or start themn on thier way to sobriety.

Yep, I think part of the job for each of us here is to be 'seed planters." We plant a seed of sobriety here, a seed of hope there. We also accept the seeds and hopefully let them blossom in our lives. I know I have gathered a whole bunch of seeds from my friends here and am really thankful for that.

You have a good day, Jerry. Keep rejoicing.

reach

 
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