Just trying to reflect here on a bright sunny SAT morning. I have been giving and receiving help on this board for a long time. I just went back and looked at my posts I created over the last few years. It seems like I was full of crap most of the time. There were even times when I posted that I WAS clean and WASNT!!!!!. That is purely wrong. I was only lying to myself. Things are really different this time and those posts only prove it. I meant every word I said to all of you, but I guess I wasnt being tru to myself. I believe you DO NOT have to hit rock bottom ( incarceration, institutions, death) to beat this. I used that statement to ACCEPT a relapse. I know that relapse is a part of this disease ( i have proved that!!!) but you DONT HAVE TO. I get very confused when I try and think about WHY and HOW its different this time. I have a TRUE 60 days under my belt (cool key tag to prove it!!) and its the cleanest I have been in a LONG TIME (maybe 10 years). I have to say that I owe that time to NA. That has been the KEY for me. They told me that I needed to attend more meetings, but I think that the combo or THIS SITE and NA is great and my perfect blend for now.
Just a little "hard" self reflecting today. another day clean though.
"1 is too many and 1000 is not enough" -
I dont think you're full of it med - i think you're a very honest & open person sharing this with the board. I know its confusing figuring the whys and hows of how it IS different this time - as jerry quoted on my post
"I can see how well you are doing in your attitude and your words."
I think this applies to you to. 2 months has flown by since you gave up - its a great start to the rest of your life.
im truly pleased for you. keep it up - and what has been said/posted in the past is in the past.
you are the 'new improved' medguy.
keep on keepin on
"All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain."
Just my two cents on why it is different this time:
In your attempts before, you reached sober many times, but did not reach sober-thinking. This time, you extended yourself way beyond stopping pill abuse and reached for the changes in thinking. It is different for you now because you are alowing the changes to take place.
For you, I think the biggest piece you added to your plan was NA. I think that you have fully accepted that whether white collar, blue collar, or homeless street addict, we all face the same challenges in needing help and each other to find and maintain sobriety.
We are, none of us, smart enough, wise enough or strong-willed enough to do it alone. We have to learn that we each need the support and reminders of others who share our addiction issues. Ever think about how even here, many of us ( you and me for sure!) have opened up so much and shared more than just pill use together. We have stopped stuffing down our dark secrets and hurts and put them out in the open. We are sharing the stories of our lives and it is helping us to rid ourselves of the stuffing down of our emotions and that, in turn, is enabling us to deal with the stuff that made us abusers.
I don't know about you, but for me..... I am able after my experiences in all of this to more easily say "I love you," to more easily say, "hey, that was hurtful," and more easy also to reflect and evaluate myself and how I want to fit into the world.
When we open ourselves up to sobriety, we open ourselves up to so many changes! When we start thinking about why we use/used, we start thinking about all aspects of our life. We are more than our addictions... and once we can deal with our addictions, we can develop more and more all the other good and wonderful parts of ourselves. I know that once I became open about talking about my addiction, it was like floodgates opened in me and I became so much more open about so many things in my life that were stuck inside of me. Good, bad, inbetween... it all just flows out now.
We are all works in progress always and you are in a time when the progress is just flying with you. It is wonderful, D.
Yeah, we are all full-of-crap at some times in our lives, right? Maturity, imho, comes with calling it like it is: if it looks like crap and smells like crap, it must be crap. (I am at risk at being a little trite here.)
Enjoy the day (carpe diem), my friend. It is delightful here as well, so, I'm off to the gym to work on those six-pack abs for summer.
I've been keeping up with reading your posts and I have to say that I think right now you are "full of honesty". If you look at it this way, you might be able to see that the addicted brain was messing around with you in the past and it's hard for us to determine what we truly mean and what our disease is doing to us.
I believe that your encouraging words were from the true you. You had mentioned many times earlier that you couldn't figure out why you kept relapsing. This time it is not really about why you relapsed but how you can keep yourself clean. I am so proud of you. You had many times when it presented itself to you and you didn't use. You had a wonderful vacation with your family and are using the steps of NA and the support of this board to keep yourself in check. I agree with everyone else, what was in the past is the past. That's where we can get stuck, in the past. I see you now focusing on the present. You have taken the giant leap of going to NA, using the call list and posting here.
Keep it up, you are truly an encouraging and supportive person who is living in a world of recovery. A place where I can't wait to get to.
I am totally full of it. At least you are honest. I am too full of it to even post. I have to think about what I am doing and why. Not in a good place but you guys are always here. I'll be back. No pun intended. I'm envious and proud of you for all the hard work you have put in.
Hey guys --Kind of neat to look back at an old post and have evolved since then. Thanks for the kind words and encouragement. I often battle within myself to make the right decisions. I have learned so much over the last (almost) 90 days clean and the only thing that really matters is that you are clean each day. One day at a time. that is the best we can do. Each day I work on staying clean. Some days are harder than others. The cool thing is that I AM clean now and not lying to anyone about it. There was a time that I was fooling only myself and that just caused me to relapse again. I have learned so much from each relapse, but it wasnt till I found NA that I truely understood how to implement all the knowledge into my life. I will say again and again that the only true way to stay clean is to be a part of NA and make yourself accountable to them and yourself. Honesty is key. Trust that something higher than you is in charge and you are just there for the ride. I know that seems weird but when we try to manage our own lives we get in trouble, that is the road to relapse. A road I hope to not travel ever again.
"1 is too many and 1000 is not enough" -
I have lied about my usage too!!! I have been clean and sober for almost a year. The pride I feel and the happiness that I have found is better then what I thought was a good day getting "euphoric" from pills. That euphoria just never lasted. But what is lasting is the fact that I am no longer dope sick, focused on scoring more pills, afraid, depressed, etc etc etc.