My week has been an eventful as far as my weeks go. (Doesn't always take too much to make an 'event' in my life, smiles). There has been good... a day with the grandbaby, a shopping adventure with my daughter, some new plants for the garden. There has been not so good.... an old friend's wake and I didn't even know she was ill, my grandbaby had surgery, a doctor told me I need 2 hearing aids at a cost of $5300.
This morning, I have reflected about the past week. I enjoyed the good, I didn't fall apart at the not so good. I experienced each event as it came along and just lived my life through them. This morning I can sit here and accept that there was a balance to the past week. Some good, some not so good, but more good than bad certainly.
This is a big change that has come to be for me in sobriety... experiencing life's events, big and litle, good or not, on an even keel. My friend's passing is sad, but it did not have me running to hide from it. I mourned her, because mourning is natural. The mourning does not feel wonderful, but I don't have to hide from it. I know it will run its course and the sadness will leave and memories that are good of her will fill the space. I had a wonderul time hanging with my grandbaby for a whole day, but my happiness for that day did not depend on seeing him. Had I not been able to see him as planned, I would have missed him, but I know I could have found other things to fill my day also.
I can live in the day and accept the day as it comes now. It is real, it is mine to enjoy or not enjoy... it is on me to understand that there is an overall balance greater than any one moment or day. And I get it now. Really get it. And I am grateful for this. I have been striving to practice balance for a long time and today, it just all became so simple. We live in the day, but one day is just a portion of our life. It is not the only one we have had or will have. We can not let any one day tap us out of all of our resources because another day will come. Balance. That is a big thing that sobriety has brought me.
The balance brings such a sense of calm. Of peace. Today the family will get together to celebrate Mother's Day. I don't know about your family, but in mine, a heck of a lot of chattering is the norm for any get together. Maybe I will say somthing to someone that makes them really happy, or them to me; maybe I will irritate someone, or them me. And it will be okay because at the end of the celebration, at the end of the day, there will have been balance. What comes, comes and I can react calmly if I remember always that there is a greater balance in play.
So I wish for each of you this Mother's Day a day of balance, of even-keeled calmness. Mom's are known for their nurturing and every single one of us here are nurturing souls when it comes to helping one another along. I hope that if anything tough has happened this past week that today will be the balance day.
I dont think i could have said anything as eloquent or as intelligent as pheonix has, beautifully put.
I wish i could of been there as a fly on the wall at your get together - you sound like the perfect grandmother- which im betting you are. i wish my son had a gran like you. Hell! And if i was young enough i'd also wish i had a gran like you too.
I'd just like to add that i truly love your use of words - they are full of wisdom and seem to have a subtle rythmn to them. i find it very calming - im sure you'd make one hell of a cousellor.
"the sadness will leave and memories that are good of her will fill the space"
this line has a particular resonance with me personally - and it has made me think about things that i still kind of mourn. beautifully put.
I just feel 'Good' after reading this post - i cant explain exactly why?! i feel moved.
take care & keep posting your magic reach
"All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain."
Just wanted to focus on something Phoenix wrote about finding spirituality in our lives in sobriety, in restoration:
This does not happen overnight and is only achieved with true focus on self and your relationship to all that is around you.
I have been on this journey away from drugs since October, 2006. And yes, it has been a lot of focus on "self." Not as in selfish, but as in I have to fix my 'self' in order for everything to fall into place. The journey to come off of drugs is so much more for us than just a parting from drugs. It is a journey of reflection, correction, and learning about ourselves. I think for me, my life had turned into such a turmoil of just existing each day that I had stopped putting effort into any thing further in my life. I made it through the day. While I had made it through the day, I had stopped caring about anything more. Just existing, but to what end? To face a new day just existing? Like living my life in one of those wheels in a hamster's cage.
It is very hard work physically and mentally and emotionally to withdraw. One of the rewards, though, is a new found ability to think about something beyond the next dose. Room is cleared in the brain as it restores to once again look at the world through young eyes, no matter our age. Room to wonder, to want to discover and find calm and reason and purpose.... and with a clear and clean brain again, I have been able to move forward in these things.
There is a gratefulness in me that I never would have been able to find in drug haze. While my world is not total black and white, so much grayness is gone. There is color in my life again and it is good.
Wherever each is in their own journey, know that it is a journey that we can continue in a way that will enrich and bless our lives. Yes, in withdrawal there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but once we step out of that tunnel and keep walking, there is sunshine.
I have realized that the only way that I was going to get any better was to withdraw, in order to find myself.
While I was in the midst of locating who I was, many people had their own opinion as to the reason for my isolation(none of them good) and it bothered me to no end. I was at a point that part of me wanted to keep trudging on and the other part wanted to give them what they wanted, saying to myself "if they are already labeling me for something i'm not doing, why not prove them right?"
I'm so glad that I didn't succumb to their "crabs in a barrell" mentality.
It is so easy to do wrong but to do right; now that is where effort must be exerted.
There's a famous film in which an actor states: "get busy living or get busy dying." That phrase has changed my life and I have it forever locked in my memory banks.
Being self "ish" to me is different from being selfish.
To me, being self "ish" is to have some of the qualities of being selfish while still being able to place one's relationship to people places and things into perspective. It's self-preservation, for the sake of re-building what was torn down and repairing whatever "wiring" that has become crossed over time.
I have to agree with you; it is extremely difficult work but is well worth it in the long run.
Once a person is on the road that spirituality has built, I have come to realize that it still takes effort to stay the course; the greater the time spent on the road though, the less effort is required to stay the path.