| | I'm back....
It's been quite a while since I've posted and I'm sure most of you can guess why... I'm ashamed. I'm embarassed. I'm SO angry with myself. I worked very hard to acheive a truly clean life and with one very bad decision I've ruined it all. I thought I had control, I thought I really had it this time.... and I did, for a while. Maybe I became overconfident, a little cocky even, in any case- I was wrong. As they say, this is a "cunning & baffling" disease, and it "baffled" the crap right out of me.
I have an addiction to pills. Any kind of pills, the one's that make me high as a kite and the ones that make me 'zombie-like'. Anything that allows me to NOT feel my pain. It's not physical pain and I won't pretend it is... I eat the pills simply because I like them and the way they make me feel. (or not feel)
I've told my story before but it's been a long time so I will try to deliver the short version... I come from a family of addicts- addicted to anything you can imagine. One of my brothers died a year and a half ago directly because of his addiction, and another brother almost died a year ago in March because of his addiction. My other brother is an addict too- my Mom, my Grandma, great-Grandma, 3 uncles, 3 aunts... you get the idea.
I wanted so badly to be different, I wanted to be stronger.... but I'm just as weak as the rest of my family and I came as close to death myself as I've ever come just a few days ago. Not directly from my drug use, but from my hatred towards myself for the bad decisions I've made. The bad decisions I continue to make over and over again.
I have a 13 year old daughter- I love her more than anything in the world, but I'm no good to her as an addict. The scene is already set... with my family history I'm afraid she's going to have to fight this battle too. I need to show her that there is another way- another type of life that can be lived. But I've got to do something different this time, what I've been doing is clearly not working, and if for no other reason, I have to live to show her that it can be done. Unlike she's seen over and over again by myself and her uncles and grandparents.
I went to an intake appointment yesterday at a local rehab facility, I've been to 3 AA/NA meetings already in the last week. I know what needs to be done, I have the tools and support required to do it, but honestly.... I'M TERRIFIED. It seems such an overwhelming task... I know I have to delve deep into my past and deal with MANY things and that scares me to death. The things that I've been running from, the things that I take the pills to forget about, I have to deal with head on. My fingers are shaking typing this. This is where I always fail. I can't deal with the pain, or I don't want to so I do anything I can to make it go away. But this time it's life or death. I'm killing myself and I see that so clearly- I've got to stop. I'm in the "oh, poor me" faze right now and I've got to pull some strength from somewhere... my toes maybe, who knows... but I've got to do it again.
So, thanks for listening... thanks for reading... I'm breathing a bit easier just having gotten some of this off my chest. I have to try and keep some semblance of normalcy in my life. I have to go to work, I have to be a good mother and wife.... the mother and wife thing..... that's what kept me alive so far, I had to beleive it's enough to really get better for. For now....
Again, thanks for listening. jkm