It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Addiction & Recovery Message Board


Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 05-19-2008, 05:16 AM   #1
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 4
crkt60 HB User
Help! Please! Thanks!

I met the love of my life 2 years ago - we are both in our fifties. He has been in treatment for addiction/ recovery for 7 years with one therapist. He has been slow in the recovery process, although his relapses are shorter and there is more time between - last major relapse was 8 mos ago. I know that patience is required here. I love him and want to be with him....I also know the importance of his recovery work.

I have done lots of reading on addiction/recovery work and greatly question my BF's therapist's program for these reasons: the therapist discourages 12-step work - instead, the the therapist provides a recovery support group that he leads, the therapy work seems very confrontational and top-down, and the therapist sees my BF twice a week, plus phone monitoring, plus the group for a total of $2000 per month. The therapy seems very one-dimensional to me and outrageously expensive.

His therapist has been against my BF having a romantic relationship from the beginning. My BF appears to be very conflicted about following his therapist's advice and seeing me. So we are in a pattern of seeing each other, the therapist gets on to him, then we separate but always end up getting back together, then the cycle starts again. The part that I don't understand is that we are mature adults in a committed relationship who have been together for two years. I am willing to separate for periods of time while he does recovery work but I don't want to be totally shut out of his life, which is what happens now when we separate. My BF, by his report, has repeatedly made a case for me to be in his life on some level while he completes this work but the therapist won't budge.

My BF is very committed to this therapist - could there be some codependency going on here? He is not willing to seek a second opinion. I can't imagine that it is a good idea to have one single person have so much control over your life. I also realize that any information that I glean about the therapy work is only through my BF and there undoubtedly is a lot that goes on that I am not privy to/don't understand.

Can anyone out there either help me understand this therapy work or comment on whether it seems a bit "off" or am I "off" on my perceptions and beliefs about this? Also, what about a committed relationship that was begun when the therapy program had been in process for several years but not "completed?" In other therapy models, would that relationship be so heavily discouraged?

So......anyone...... Help.....thanks!

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 05-19-2008, 05:55 AM   #2
Facilitator
(male)
 
Phoenix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 3,852
Blog Entries: 33
Phoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB User
Re: Help! Please! Thanks!

Hello C,

The thing here is the fact that he is in recovery and still has a propensity for relapsing.

It is suggested that a person not be in a relationship for at least a year before beginning a relationship because there is a lot of involvement and focus that is involved in the process of recovery.

Relationships are filled with emotions, physical intimacy and disagreements from time to time.

A recovering addict has to get his own emotions in check and let his body regenerate enough to where he/she feels comfortable with themselves.

Being in a commited relationship can be detrimental for either of you.

If he is still relapsing, this creates a problem which can effect any relationship, let alone a romantic one.

There is a lot that you are not privy to, that he shares with his therapist and I seriously feel that she is attempting to protect the two of you in the process.

If he is not prepared, I believe the therapist would know.

A therapist is a confidante and trusted person. It is only normal for him to depend on her at this point.

I hope this helps.

Respecfully,

Phoenix

 
Old 05-22-2008, 07:52 AM   #3
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 4
crkt60 HB User
Re: Help! Please! Thanks!

Phoenix,

Thank you so much for your reply. I have had such a struggle with this. I am sure that all that you say is true.

I feel so connected to him and he keeps coming back to the relationship though he is advised against it by his therapist. For me the feelings are so very real and it feels like he has the same feelings but is also trying to do right by his therapy program. I read that folks in recovery are discovering who they are. Does that mean that his feelings for me aren't real/may change

We are in another period of no contact and I honor those periods and do not attempt to contact him, though he lives a short distance from my house. We have gone as long as 7 months with no contact. I am taking care of myself the best that I know how but I cannot, at this time, give up on this. I am sure that he will come back again and my hope is that, in time, we'll both be in a place where it's OK to be in a relationship. Obviously no one really knows the outcome of this but there must be cases in existence where couples have waited, then been successful. I hope so!

Any comments/advice are much appreciated!

Crkt60

 
Old 05-27-2008, 08:10 AM   #4
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 4
crkt60 HB User
Relationship Success in Recovery?

Hi Folks,

I often hear that relationships that happen before 1 year of sobriety in recovery don't stand a chance.

Are there any success stories out there where a couple met at a time when recovery was moving along but the 1 year mark wasn't yet achieved, the couple put the relationship on hold, waited, the situation improved, and the relationship happened?

I know that this smacks of codependency but wouldn't it make a difference to a recovering addict to have someone who loves him enough to put in some wait time?

As I said in an earlier post, I have been in this relationship for two years with a man in recovery and his therapist doesn't support him being in a relationship yet. We are in a cycle where we see each other intensely, put the relationship on hold for recovery work, end up back together in two or three months. It seems to me that it would be better if his therapist worked with the relationship rather than against it, especially since we are willing to do planned "time-outs." Though my BF says that he has asked his therapist to do this many times and was refused, I also know that things are said in therapy that I am not privy to and don't understand. It just seems like it sets us up for failure every time when the therapist comes down on my BF for seeing me again - because it is hard for us to remain apart.

We are mature adults in our fifties and I am not willing/not able to give up on this relationship and it appears that my BF isn't either.

Success stories anyone? I've already heard the flip side.

Thanks!

 
Old 05-27-2008, 09:29 AM   #5
Facilitator
(male)
 
Phoenix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 3,852
Blog Entries: 33
Phoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB User
Re: Help! Please! Thanks!

Quote:
Originally Posted by crkt60 View Post
Phoenix,

Thank you so much for your reply. I have had such a struggle with this. I am sure that all that you say is true.

I feel so connected to him and he keeps coming back to the relationship though he is advised against it by his therapist. For me the feelings are so very real and it feels like he has the same feelings but is also trying to do right by his therapy program. I read that folks in recovery are discovering who they are. Does that mean that his feelings for me aren't real/may change

We are in another period of no contact and I honor those periods and do not attempt to contact him, though he lives a short distance from my house. We have gone as long as 7 months with no contact. I am taking care of myself the best that I know how but I cannot, at this time, give up on this. I am sure that he will come back again and my hope is that, in time, we'll both be in a place where it's OK to be in a relationship. Obviously no one really knows the outcome of this but there must be cases in existence where couples have waited, then been successful. I hope so!

Any comments/advice are much appreciated!

Crkt60
Hello C,

The relationship that you describe falls short of one that is either mutually satisfying or has the earmarks of longevity.

If you are set on making this work, why not see if it is permissable to schedule an appointment with his therapist(both of you); this way you could hear the rationale from someone who he has shared his thoughts with.

I the event that neither of them think that this is advisable, the answer to your relationship questions should become abundantly clear.

Take care.

Respectfully,

Phoenix

 
Old 05-27-2008, 04:58 PM   #6
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 4
crkt60 HB User
Re: Help! Please! Thanks!

Phoenix,

Thank you for your thoughtful replies. If I could have this situation surgically removed from my brain, I would - it's driving me pretty nuts.

I met with my BF's therapist twice at the beginning of the relationship two years ago. The last two times that we have been back together, my BF says that he has asked his therapist to meet with us together and the therapist will not because - by my BF's report - the therapist doesn't support my BF being in a relationship with only 8 mos. of sobriety and because it would be a conflict of interest if he was serving in the role of my BF's therapist plus counseling us as a couple. That seems clear enough but, since my BF and I keep getting back together, it doesn't seem to work very well in reality. Also,
I don't know if it is a faulty perception on my part but it seems like there is a power struggle going on here and the therapist and I are in adversarial roles.
My BF tells me things that his therapist says, and I react - not good.

We have met with our pastor many times, both individually and as a couple. She has known my BF since before we met and believes that he is a good man with good intentions towards me and is really trying to work this out. Clergy and therapy don't always have the same perspective.

Thanks again for your replies - this is a very difficult situation for me.

C.

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
CONFUSED with THYROID readings?? I need help? meds do nto seem to be working? bluetou Thyroid Disorders 17 05-12-2011 07:18 PM
Help...child with recurrent abdominal pain. caltripp Children's Health 10 04-04-2011 09:51 PM
Help I am at the end of my rope... tinabean34 Pain Management 4 07-01-2010 11:55 AM
trigeminal neuralgia...help! TV in RV Trigeminal Neuralgia 6 04-20-2010 09:30 PM
Help/Advice neededASAP -Fentanyl detox, pain pat. abused meds will need meds in futre Confused089 Abuse Support 34 07-06-2008 05:33 PM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added




Top 10 Drugs Discussed on this Board.
(Go to DrugTalk.com for complete list)
Hydrocodone
Lortab
Methadone
Oxycontin
Percocet
  Tylenol
Ultram Valium
Vicodin
Xanax




TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Phoenix (150), katlin09 (108), reachout (100), second go (36), Wendy88 (36), oxygirl (34), corissa3 (32), Tysmom1 (24), icehouse3z (24), bolter (21)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1180), MSJayhawk (1005), Apollo123 (906), Titchou (850), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (759), ladybud (755), midwest1 (669), sammy64 (668), BlueSkies14 (607)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:13 PM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!