Hey, I'm new here but I'm also going through the first stages of recovery. Here's my story: I'm 26 and for the past 10 yrs I abused pain meds. The last 4 yrs it has gotten out of control. The past year has been rediculous. I have stolen meds from friends and family even got caught breaking into houses where I knew good meds were kept. I have admitted my problem to all my friends and family. Spent mother's day in Detox at a hospital and am now trying to attend NA meetings. I feel like the worst of the physical part is over, now it's learning to deal with everyday life and 3 little kids in a whole new way that's really giving me probs. I journal every chance I get and that's seemed to help. I also call other recovered addicts that I know when I'm having a 'moment'. My husband has been behind me every step of the way. I never knew what I had till all this came to the surface. I didn't ask for help due to the criminal charges (which by the way were dropped), but because I've wanted help for over a year now but was too proud to admit that I had a prob. Getting caught was the perfect opportunity to just come clean. I have been given 50mgs of Trazodone at night for sleep and depression. I've been on it since the 9th, and am still having nightmares of using and of other things that are weighing on my mind. I'm exhausted due to the stress and lack of sleep. Summer vacation is right around the corner for two of my 3 little ones and I don't know how I'm going to cope with them being home constantly. They are 4 and are twins and DO NOT GET ALONG most of the time. Anyone else out there with kids and going through this? Any encouragement or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
I only have 1 kid - a 3yr old boy. I went through withdrawals & had about a month with hardly any sleep - during this time i was his primary carer. I know it must be 4 times as difficult being in your situation. But im sure when you look at those kids you'll somehow find the inner strength to pull through. You're doing the best thing by going to NA and calling recovered addicts for help. You must keep focussed on the things that matter to you now - concentrate on the life you want for yourself and your family (you know that the 'old' way isnt gonna give you anything more than pain and suffering). You must learn to be strong & recognise things that might trigger your 'need' & work around them. Become the person you were/always wanted to be. It is possible and is totally within your grasp. 11 days is a hell of a good start. Search the board for help/tips on what to do to combat the aching legs & sleeplessness. Also keep posting - there are a great number of people on here who've been where you are & can offer you the help/support you might need.
most of all - take care of yourself.
yoss
keep on keepin on
__________________
yoss
"All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain."
Thank you for your advice...I was starting to wonder if my message had even appeared on the board. I kinda figured I'd have more of a response by now. But, I'll take anything I can get my eyes on. I'm trying so hard to focus on my kids, but I'm ashamed to say it, but they're kinda what sets me off! The bickering 4 yr olds and a screaming 4 month old is enough to drive anyone nutso! I was so much nicer to my kids when I was high. I also got a lot more done. In fact, I was game for anything anytime. Spontaneous was my middle name. I used to drive my husband nuts by re-arranging the living room or bedroom furniture, by myself of course. Or painting an entire room before he got home from work. The house was always clean, dinner on the table when he arrived, laundry was always caught up. It's kinda weird. You would have thought I was on speed. I guess that's just how pain meds are with me. Anyway, now I can't get anything done. I just ref fights and change diapers. That's how it feels right now anyway. I hope things get better. I think if I could rid myself of the relapse nightmares and get some quality sleep I might be a better off.
its no shame to say that they set you off - everyone knows how much of a handful kids can be. Also - dont worry - your post isnt invisible, someone will post some advice that will probably be a lot more helpful than mine. All ican say is -you've come a long way - & you have SOOO much more to keep going for. Lots of things will 'trigger' cravings at the moment - just deal with them anyway you can - eventually the cravings will get weaker & weaker. Life will get better. just hang in there with the NA meetings etc.
take care
yoss
keep on keepin on
__________________
yoss
"All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain."
Thank you yoss.... it took a lot of prayer yeterday to make it through the day, but I got a lot accomplished and felt good. I also got a decent night's rest. I don't remember one bad dream. maybe the Trazadone is finally kicking in. I've started my day off with a few ciggaretts and a strong cup of coffee, and a nice long prayer all before the house woke up. The kids will be going to school this morning so that I can re-gain a little bit of sanity. Well, nevermind on that, the older of the twins just came in and is still burning up with fever. She was fine yesterday and last night. Guess that's just my luck. Oh well. Today is day 12, and I know I'm gonna make it. Tonight is actually my first NA meeting. I went to the place Tuesday night, but it was the wrong night. Hopefully I can make it through the day without freaking out. Monday night I had a nightmare that everyone in the group ripped me a new one cause I was on drugs and had 3 small children and that instilled a fear in me that I couldn't get over Tuesday. I know that was all just my own guilty feelings surfacing. I know people with kids screw up too. Thanks again yoss, I need to talk to someone now and then.
Hey Tater
You are doing a great thing not only for yourself (the most important) but for your family, don't give in to those cravings---it is not worth it! Keep fighting the good fight! I wouldn't worry right now how clean your house is---worry about you and your recovery, the house can wait till you get over this hump. Putting too much stress on your plate will only result into cravings and a possible relapse---I know you don't want that--you have come sooo far! There is a saying called H. A. L. T. meaning dont get too Hungry--Angry--Lonely--or Tired. When the kids nap---you nap! They get too harry for you--take them for a walk--go to the park, your house will still be standing. I know how frustrating trying to keep up with house and kids is, maybe H can pitch in with house work help. The addicted you did all the painting--cleaning--moving, the new you needs to take care of you and chill on the rest (except the kids of course) Stick around here and you will get tons of support!
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I needed to be reminded that the dishes and laundry will still be there later. Right now, One twin is whining cause she doesn't wanna take her meds, the other is singing some silly made up song repeatedly, and the baby is 'singing' with her with the volume turned all the way up! Kids kids kids oh my! I'm so stressed this morning that all I can do is laugh at all of them! Nuts right? Better than screaming at them I guess! Have I mentioned yet that I really really really hate Dora, Diego, and wonder Pets? Yeah, it's this new thing I have.....Can't stand the sound of their theme songs cause I know there's more to come and it makes me cringe!
Last edited by tatertot3; 05-22-2008 at 07:14 AM.
Reason: One last thought
Hey - NO 1 is going to rip you a new 1 because you were on drugs and have 3 kids - there will be people there who have done things that make your guiltiest feelings look like a pleasant daydream. But these things are in the past - the past of an old self. This is the new you. Im positivley sure that your meeting tonight will be one of the best moves you have ever made. You're on day 12 - it wont be long before you are counting the time in weeks, then months - then you'll stop counting, as it will all be like a bad dream - a distant memory. just keep at it, hour by hour - day by day. You've come through the worst physical parts of withdrawals. just keep up the good work and keep focussed on the good things in life.
You can do it.
take care
yoss
keep on keepin on
__________________
yoss
"All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain."
I'm sure there will be people there that were way worse off than me, it's just my own guilt. I could have seriously hurt the baby taking all that crap while I was pregnant. I guess I'm just now realizing how fortunate I am that he's fine. In fact he's ahead of his milestones. I'm sure everything will be fine tonight, I'm just so used to doing things high, that taking steps while being sober is a whole new ball game for me. It's new, and I don't adjust to change very well.
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Live well, Laugh often, Love much!
~Christina~
It takes some gettingused to, doing things 'straight'. There are so many memories attached to doing things 'loaded'. It takes a lot of patience, perseverance & willpower to rewire the brain to thinking like a 'normal' human being. You are well on your way. You should be proud of yourself . Guilt is useless - its negative and will only lead to a downward spiral. You've got this far in life whilst abusing meds - imagine how much further you can go when you have a clear head and a open heart. You're getting this all back - hour by hour, day by day. And its well worth it. Believe me - i know
take care
yoss
keep on keepin on
__________________
yoss
"All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain."
Tater, congrats on day 12 ! Thats huge. As everyone else has said don't worry so much about the housework. Getting you clean is paramount at this point. The house will survive a couple days without being scrubbed down. The kids driving you up the wall? Yeah thats what they do. lol If they get on your back too much try taking a "mommy time out" . I used to go into the bathroom or basement whatever..and take a deep breath,count to 10 or 20..etc. And then reflect on where you've been,where you're going and how truly lucky you are to have been blessed with your kids. If that doesn't work get the duct tape...I'm kidding I'm kidding. Just try not to stress the things you aren't able to change. You're gonna feel better soon. You're doing great!! I'm a mommy to 8. I know how stressful your situation is right now. It gets better I promise. Kids pick up on your aura,if you relax they'll eventually relax too. Keep reading and posting here.The people here are the best. Day 12 is huge no doubt about it ! Keep your head up and your feet planted.
Halfway through day number 12
I feel like I'm living
In a sea of hell.
My thoughts and feeling
So surreal
It's really odd to be able to feel.
The cravings, the wants
It's hard to fight
But at the end of the day
I do see the light.
Someone out there
Please give me a hand.
Cause if I fall,
I've nowhere to land.
Day 13 please come soon
Cause day 12
Just reeks of doom.
One step at a time
I've said it so much.
I want this so badly
Oh I want it a bunch.
Please God,
Guide me through this day.
I want to succeed
In all possible way.
whew! Sorry to any English teachers who may be out there, I know it's lame. now that that's out, I'm gonna go clean the pool.
__________________
Live well, Laugh often, Love much!
~Christina~
That poem was awesome!! I am sorry day 12 was so hard--I can sooo relate, yesterday was a very tuff one for me too. I could not wait for the day to be over! You hang on girl---we are here with hands reaching, and a blanket of support to cyberly help you thru. <removed>--but it is against the rules I hope you get some rest tonight---Bless your heart. I'll keep you and yours in my prayers.
~Angie
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~Angie
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Hoping that Day 13 finds you rested, well and a continued positive attitude towards your recovery.Keep your eyes on the prize and remember we are all here for you, as many have been in turn for me.
Well, I've only been up for about 10 minutes, but Ialready feel better than I did yesterday cause the twins are fever free and are going to school! Now it's just a matter of getting them up and out the door without incident. My meeting went well, I was pretty reserved even with my husband there for support. It's so odd how I'm shy sober yet I know I can be as outgoing as they come, at least when I'm loaded I can. Luckily, this meeting was not a place to score. I was really worried about that once I read it on another post. I don't want anywhere near pills for a while. I know I don't have much self control and I don't want the temptation to be anywhere close. Well, gotta go holler at 2 four year olds to get up and ready. Thanks a bunch for all your support. I know I can beat this thing between church, meetings, my friends/family/husband, and now you guys.
__________________
Live well, Laugh often, Love much!
~Christina~
Great news & good work. It'll get easier/better as the days go by. Just keep ploughing through - you're almost half way through a month now. That is an achievement to be proud of.
take care & have a great day.
yoss
__________________
yoss
"All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain."
Your not alone. I too am taking care of a 2 year old changing diapers watching the same cartoons over and over for my son for the past 3 weeks now while getting off pain meds. It sucks but it gets easier each day.Be strong, thats what I keep telling myself and it works. I too thought I was all that when on my meds but after a while your addiction would have changed into a down hill spiral, like everyone else.So be grateful you didnt go that way cause eventually you would have. You are a hero for stopping dont blow it now. I wont do any today. tell yourself each day.One day at a time. It does get easier and better.I speak from experience.My son is climbing all over me as Im typing this, gotta love it and I hate it.
Well, I caved and shipped my kids to their grandparents. I mean, I just couldn't take the stress anymore. The baby was sooooo cranky cause he's not getting much sleep due to the snotty nose. I'm still clean, I just caved into getting rid of them for now. It's been a really rocky week, but I've made it through day 13. I wouldn't consider myself a hero by any stretch of the imagination....I quit cause I got caught. I mean, Ive wanted help for over a year now, but I probably would still be truckin downhill if the cops had never gotten involved. But hey, whatever works. I mean legally, I'm in no trouble what so ever, this won't even appear on my record. I just so happened that this was my open door. Boy have I busted through it too....I think it left a bruise when it slammed shut. I know I can never go back and that's comforting for now. I hope at least some of this crap makes sense to you guys, I'm sleep deprived and just flat out worn out. I told my husband last night that it's a LOT of work being stressed out....he laughed....if only he knew!
__________________
Live well, Laugh often, Love much!
~Christina~
I hope you get some rest tonight---Bless your heart. I'll keep you and yours in my prayers.
