The past few days have not been good. I'm on my 7th patch in 4 days; they should have lasted me 14. And teice now in the same time period I have found myself struggling to stay awake out of a real fear that if I went to sleep, I would not wake up. Most recently, after mainlining a bit more than I'd intended (I'd started out with a lot less and gotten a nice little buzz, but enough never does seem to be enough), I found myself nodding off in the bathroom and barely able to make it the 20 or so feet from there to the bedroom to lie down. Room spinning, heart hammering, and barely able to keep awake for a couple of hours until I figured that if it was going to kill me, it would already have done so. It wasn't in the least bit enjoyable.
Tonight was very, very strange. I was not even high at the time; in fact, I was starting into withdrawl again because the pacth I had on was, unbeknownst to me, empty.
My husband and I had gone out to a drum circle, a regular event in the summer that is in a really good place with some really good people. It never fails to give me a lift; good medicine. Anyway, a couple of odd things happened there. First, I have a friend whom I rarely see, and I ran into her there. She is kind of a strange person; she claims to have a direct line to the divine, and to receive information from same. I have gone back and forth between actually believing her (some of the things she says are uncanny) and thinking that she just might be playing with less than a full deck. Either way, her insight is remarkable, and every time I see her she tells me at least one true thing, and never fails to give advice that I have come to see should be followed. I had not seen her for several months.
I went over to say hi, and she asked me how I was doing. I gave a noncommital answer - something to the effect that life has been kind of a mixed bag lately. She looked at me and said "not so good. I thought so." Again, I tried to tell her that no, things are not that bad. Again she stated, "not so good." I found myself agreeing with this assessment. She then went on to tell me that I am being incredibly self-destructive, and asking me why. I did not have an answer, though she pushed me on this. She also told me that I must stop, and do not deserve what I am doing to myself. Shortly after, someone else came up, and while they were talking, I walked away. I found this whole exchange kind of freaky, as I do not think that we have ever talked about my past, and I cannot imagine how she knew that things are so bad. None of my other, closer, friends have even picked up on the fact that something is going on and really eating at me. I considered asking her for details of what she thinks is happening, but was afraid that if I asked the question, she would tell me.
Shortly after this, I walked away to find a little solitude and try to quiet my mind and heart. The drum circles are held on a piece of property owned by a couple who have spent 33 years working on it. It is out in the middle of the forest, and they have turned it into the most amazing extensive gardens I have ever had the pleasure of experiencing. Tonight, they had lit the paths and parts of the gardens with dozens of candles and lanterns, and as they are nowhere near a city and it was a clear night, the stars were amazing. I love stars, and rarely have the pleasure of seeing them like that.
Anyway, while I was walking about in the gardens and listening to drums in the distance, my spirit guide showed up. It has been a while since I have encountered him, and this was the last time and place that I expected this to happen. Usually, I have to go actively seeking him out. His message was short and clear; he told me that I must get off of the path that I am on, that I need to go back to where I turned off of a path with heart, that this road leads only to more pain, grief, destruction, and death. He says I should go out and do a serious vision quest. And I think he is right about this.
So well, if there is a higher power, if the Great Spirit does pay attention and intervene, I suppose I should consider this a loud wake-up call. I just hope this stays with me in the days to come.
I know about cold reading, and that is not what I see coming from her. She has seen me many times when I was not bubbling over with joy; even when I was more visibly upset than I was last night. She has never before suggested that things were wrong with me on some fundamental level, though. I have also seen her interact with a lot of utual friends, and she just has a way of getting straight to the point; usually what she has to say is not what I would call vague or good guesswork; rather, it tends to be more immediately applicable to the situation of the individual at the time. Also, when she said that I was doing "not so good" I initially did deny it, talking about the fact that I had just graduated and saying simply that things were in a state of flux; certainly not giving any indicaton of any serious problems in my life. She wasn't having any. And I had spent time with several other friends last night - people who are generally very much in tune to each other's moods and difficulties. That not one person asked me if something was wrong tells me that I was not exactly radiating unhappiness.
I tend toward some serious skepticism about this stuff myself. As I said, I know a great deal about cold reading, and have seen it used by some very, very good people. I tend to accept this sort of explanation very readily; being trained in the sciences does not lend itself well to explanations beyond the material, physical world. But I also know that there is more in heaven and earth than exists in my philosophy, and I have seen just enough really strange, inexplicable stuff to remain somewhat open-minded when presented with something that defies attempts to explain it away. And over the years that I have known this person, she has said some things that are so right on and specific about things that she could not possibly know to make me think twice before dismissing the things that she says.
Yeah, you are right on about there being two competing "spirits" in my life. And nothing you have said is at all offensive. I have become well aware that the addiction will say and do anything to get what it wants (drugs). I even have started to question the validity of my physical pain: since the doctors have been unable to find a physical cause, I have to wonder if my own brain manufacures pain so that I will get drugs to treat it. Consequently, I think I need to a) find some non-drug ways of dealing with pain, and b) get off of these meds. My spirit guide has always been the one voice that I absolutely should no ignore.
Whether or not the pain icomes from a physical source, I think that I can find better, alternative means of addressing it. My counselor can work with me on biofeedback; I still need to ask him about gate theory. I also have the option of seeing a chiropractor, and there is a chiropractor in town who does deep muscle massage. I know from past experience that massage is very helpful, though my insurance won't pay for a massage therapist. Which is too bad, because there is a massage therapist whom I have seen before who is also a practicing shaman. Her table is like a gate to the spirit world; at times when I have been otherwise unable to contact my spirit guide, I have had no trouble getting in touch with him while she works on me. But this chiropractor can no doubt still do a lot of good.