| | If I relapsed...
After work I'd be sneaking into a liquor store because after all, I would not want anyone seeing me going in or coming out. Get home and make the first drink. Carry into my bedroom. Turn the ringer off my cell phone, lock the doors pull the shades closed and get in my PJ's. My first drink would be gone in less than 10 mins.
Feel the warm fuzzies, start feeling somewhat guilty but my mind is already getting into the lying mode. Make the second drink. I'd start to tell myself, that I would drink just for tonight. At 5:50 I'd be making the third drink. Tell my self that I deserve to drink once in a while. I can control it. My thought process is screwed up and my speech is slurred. I'd now put the AC on because itís a little warm in here.
Make the fourth drink. Start checking my cell phone to see if anyone called. Peek out the window if I heard a car door. Tell myself that if I go to bed early enough, I wont feel bad in the morning. Make another drink.
Now my mind would be in total drinking in cruise control. I'd start doing some crazy project, something I would never finish. Make another drink, light some candles; think about what I can eat for diner. I tell myself I should eat, so I wont feel bad in the morning for work. I'll eat after I finish my drink. Turn the oven on to make supper, make another drink. By this time I am feeling no pain. I start to tell myself that I will call into work tomorrow because I deserve it. This way, I wont have to worry about feeling bad in the morning, I donít have to eat and ruin my buzz. Check my cell phone again. Start to scheme about my call to the boss, work on my excuse. Start to get tired, make something to eat. Pig out and pass out. Maybe the oven and candles would still be on. Maybe not.
When I wake up, I feel extremely anxious, guilty and worried. I'm sweating, my stomach is upset and my throat is sore from all the smoking. Everything annoys me. I cant remember what time I went to bed, what I ate or if I ate. After I find the bottle that I hid the night before, I make my first drink. I concoct a story for when I call my boss and tell her that I will not be in. I make my second drink and I start to "feel better". I start some crazy project. The ringer on my phone is still turned off. I start to think about the lie I will make up to tell my husband why I didnít go to work or, I donít tell him at all that I stayed home. Check my cell phone. Make another drink. and another, and another. I was like the living dead. Killing myself ever so slowly.
What I wrote above would vary from day to day. Sometimes I would eat, sometimes not. Sometimes I would call into work, sometimes not. Sometimes I would throw up, sometimes I wouldnít. One thing that did remain the same was how I felt physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I would always get the same results. I would loose my job, and hurt all the people that love me. I would go days with out a shower, days with out talking to anyone. Total isolation. Total insanity. My husband was put through the ringer. I was put through the ringer. I cared about nothing but the bottle. It still amazes me that I did not kill myself with the amount I was drinking. I know now that I woke up with alcohol poisoning every morning. Every damn morning.
Today with only 2.5 months of sobriety I feel like a new woman. I have come such a long way in such a short amount of time. I never ever want to go back to the mess that I was living. Today I know that there is help for me. I know that I have to do the work.
I have friends and a new life. I have people in my life from AA that truly care about me. I care about me now.
I know that I have a long journey ahead of me. Itís not all going to be rainbows and ice cream. What I do know is that I never have to drink again. Never. I look forward to being sober and living life on lifeís terms. I am very grateful today and feel very blessed. Iím one of the lucky ones. Just for today.
Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark.
A large group of professionals built the Titanic