The last post that you did when you dropped off showed me that you were winning the fight. I wanted to shout "YES," you know, like when the gators get a touch down.
I know this is a time for self reflection, and you need to distance yourself from the sub. Take time for you, Brandi, and know that I do pray before bed for your recovery (I picture a person in my mind, and she's a knockout... weird since I don't know you).
If the jump was too much, then so be it. You will live to fight another day. I did. It took a few relapses before I could stay clean. I never gave up and, finally, won the prize.
There are days when my mood is sour and I think about how nice it would be to take a pill to make it better. But, this is part of the sober life. You know that tommorow might be not-so-good. Tommorow is waiting to happen, and I know, in my recovery, it might be a GREAT day and worth every minute of the suffering to be clean. So I, like reach, try to let tommorow take care of itself.
Hey guys, thanks so much for not forgetting about me..
I'm afraid I have some conflicting information to share... After 2 weeks of pure hell, I decided to call my Sub Dr just to see what was up with me not feeling any better! I mean, I was still feeling like I was going through withdrawals. It was awful. And the depression was starting to set in. So, they suckered me to come in for another appt. (200 bucks out the window) Here's what the Dr. had to tell me. He said that my problem was that the opiates I had been taking had done away with my natural endorphins for so long that my body doesn't know how to produce them yet. And that's why I was feeling so badly. At that point, I was ready to believe anything he was going to tell me. I really didn't want to get back on sub, because I had been off of it for so long, but I knew that I couldn't go on feeling the way I was feeling!! So he said I needed to go back on a low dose of it just for a while longer, and start exercising.. so my body can have a chance of producing natural feel goods again.. So I agreed. And as soon as I took that first 2mgs.. it was like I was me again.. I'm so confused.. I don't know if I did the right thing or not.. I wake up and take the 2mgs, and go about my day.. feeling normal. In my opinion, if that's what it takes for now to keep me going, then so be it.. I guess I just wasn't ready.. I hope I haven't disappointed too many people.. but I can't describe the way I was feeling, and anything was better than going on like that.. even going back on sub. And he gave me enough for 3 months, so I feel like now I can taper the way you're supposed to.. slowly and spread it out over a period of time. I think that's the way I'm going to have to work it.
So that's my long story, and why I've been hesitant to post.. I'm not really sure how I feel about taking the sub road again. But I do know that I feel a lot better and it's what my Dr thinks is right for me too. LOL You guys are never going to believe who I got to talk to on the phone.. Yep, my fantasy guy, Tim Tebow. He was eating at the same place as my Grandparents and they know I'm a huge Gator fan, so he actually got on his phone to say hello to me!! I almost flipped out.. Yoss, if you read this, you'll know what I mean.. lol Man, it was cool. AND I got his autograph. That was a high all in itself.. Anyway, post back guys, let me know what you think the pros and cons are..
Love to all!!
P.S. Mike - I'm flattered! lol It's too bad we can't share what we look like on here.. I think a lot of us would be suprised..
There is no shame in doing what you had to do. Obviously, you went off of the sub too soon. It's a shame the sub dr costs so much, but I'm sure it's well worth it to feel like yourself again. I'm glad you are feeling better
Good to see you back. Who here would ever be disappointed to see a friend back on the board????
Brandi, your journey is exactly that...your journey. Each of us must do what will work for us as individuals and if you and your doctor feel you should be back on sub tapering more slowly, then it just is what it is. Personally, I would not look at it right now as a matter of pro and con, just as progress. You are still making progress, Sweetpea! You are already thinking so many sober thoughts. So, now you must let the body catch up to the mind, that's all.
Now you will work back into a taper and your experience will help guide you into doing it more slowly... especially as the end approaches. I know that as I headed into the last stretch with the Oxycodone, it irritated me to ingest those crumbs of a tab. I think, however, it made the difference between jumping off and walking off and it gave me the time I needed to allow the body and brain to work hard in small steps to start doing its own natural magic.
Seems to me that a good plan is in place. Get that body moving so the brain can heal to the degree it needs to. Your doctor's words make a lot of sense to me. Brandi, shake off the worrying... the decision is made, Honey, and all you need to do is start working it and not apologizing for it. Comprendo?
gator i was hoping you would be able to get thru it but in reality i thought that you wouldnt have much chance to make it work this time around.the reason being is that you jumped off at 1mg,and that is way way to much to try to come off of.you are gonna have to get down to .5mgs for several months,then split that dose in half for several months,then alternate every other day for several months,then you can make the jump off of sub and while there will still be some very minor w/ds,it will be nothing like what you have been thru.i knew that when you werent posting your progress that it wasnt going well,but you dont have to be afraid to tell us,we have all been there before.if i was you i would go back to the 1mg today and stay there since you were already used to it.now you know what to expect and now you can make a new game plan.
gator it is awful when you go off to high sub isnt it?i have done this twice now over the yrs and i did the same thing you did.only i went back to full blown using dope,and you didnt,which is good.to me there is nothing worse than having to go to work with the w/ds and feeling like crap all day long for weeks on end.to me that is the worst of it all.good luck gator-spark
LOL.... Yes he does.. He's a package. Too bad I don't have the real thing..
Thanks guys for not judging. I appreciate it.. I think it was me being hard on myself mostly.. because I didn't want to have to go that route again. But I know it was the right thing because of how I feel. Good to hear from you Spark.. I know what you mean about working. I was off one day, but they bugged me to death over the phone, so it wasn't worth staying home. I just knew I couldn't go on that way any longer, and something wasn't right. So I'll taper a little slower this time.. and hopefully walk from it without any w/d. That's my hope. I'll keep you guys posted..
hey g8r !!! i finally checked to see if you answered AND here you are ! YAY!
i feel the same as everyone else. i know you were going through hell. and, besides the money, there is no shame in using the sub to help you taper as slowly as you need to. anything but using again, ANYTHING !!! like ive said before, many people choose to stay on sub indefinitely because they are afraid of putting themselves in a position for relapse at all. so it makes perfect sense.
i went and got a sub doctor myself FINALLY ! i told him all about having gotten it on the streets for a whole year now. he was very understanding. and now i go to an aftercare sub group once a week for two hours. AND IM LEARNING SOO MUCH. and i love it. and i cant believe my stubborn butt took so long to do this. WHAT WAS I THINKING ?!!! like they told me, you have to get COMPLETELY HONEST when you are going the sober route or there is something wrong. as long as you hold on to that last little bit of dishonesty you have no chance to get and STAY sober.
so GOD BLESS YOU, and God bless me, and GOD BLESS ALL OUR FRIEND HERE IN CYBERLAND !!!
Thats wonderful news - a year of buying sub off the street is difficult. I managed it for a couple of months, but they became harder to get - which wasnt pleasant when you physically rely on them. Sounds like YOU've also coma along way since your last post. Im 'chuffed to bits' for you (and for gtr 2) and know that you'll make it work. Just keep that positive mental attitude up & keep that exercise thang going and you'll beat this thing.
Take care & keep inspiring us all
hugs n love
"All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain."
Michelle, I'm so proud of you!! Now you don't have to feel guilty anymore.. I know that's a big lift from your shoulders.. You just keep on keepin on..
As for me, I'm leaving next Sunday to go on a cruise to Mexico.. I'm leaving from Miami. I'm so excited!! Can't wait. And I don't have to worry about feeling bad or anything else.. I'm just enjoying life and taking care of my boys. I'm steady on 2mgs and feeling fine..