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-   -   giving it another try (http://www.healthboards.com/boards/addiction-recovery/609703-giving-another-try.html)

pingeye2 06-13-2008 08:33 PM

giving it another try
 
Hello, I am new to this board and thought it might help to post. I am 25 years old and have been using opiates for 5 years now. It started with an operation and the prescription of oxycodone or percocet. I had never experimented with opiates before and let me tell you it was love at first sight. It was a slow forming addiction, after teh first surgery I then had 4 more and a couple of new prescriptions each time. Looking back on it, it is amazing to me that no doctor ever warned me about the dangers of addiction. For each surgery I would be prescribed at least 3 refills. Well needless to say my love for opiates eventually led me to expiriment with oxycontin. And if oxycodone was love at first sight then I dont know how to describe oxycontin. As a paralell I would say that oxycodone was li ke a first girlfriend and oxycontin was like a wife. Even to the start of my oxycontin use I dont think i realized that an addiction was forming, I looked at it as simply something that made everything better, oblivious to the fact that is exactly how addiction starts. After about a year and a half or two years of oxycontin use I finally realized it was becoming a problem in my life and I needed to stop. I would stop for 3 weeks or so without a problem or much a craving, then at the 3 week mark the cravings would start and the thought would not leave my mind. I usually would be able to fight it off for another week until it was all consuming and I would use again. This cycle would repeat itself about 4 or 5 times over the next year, each time deflating my confidence a little more and eliminating any will power I may have possesed. After another failed attempt I finally reached out for a dr. and began a suboxone program. I bought in right away and the results were amazing. For 4 months I was back to living a normal life. Excersise, class, and studying would occupy my time and I managed to graduate from college. Oxycontin was rarely on my mind and I thought that I had won this battle. I actually think that all of the positive results in my life inflated my ego a l ittle too much and I believed that I no longer had the addiction so i stopped with the suboxone. Well let me tell you I was wrong. Of course I made it to 3 weeks without a problem and then like clockwork the cravings returned. Again believing I was strong enough, I did not go back on suboxone. I was able to fight it off another week but returned to using. Since that time I have had another 2 go arounds with suboxone. Once again each time failed. Well 5 days ago I went back on suboxone and I hope this time will be the last time. I have a really good feeling about it and I am determined to never go back. It amazes me that I go back because I recall so fondly the times that I was not using. I have been able to keep my life relatively normal which is actually quite amazing. I do not believe that anyone in my life suspects anything, meanwhile inside I am falling apart. I truly believe that If anyone in my life found out they would really be shocked. Anyways to wrap up my long rant I have found this website while on the internet and I think it could really help. I see the support and encouragment that all of you give eachother and I think this has been what was lacking in my previous attempts. I have always been very worried about my secret being revealed and this fear has prevented me from going to meetings. Thank you and I hope to hear from some of you.

Sherbear38 06-14-2008 01:31 AM

Re: giving it another try
 
Hi Pingeye 2,

Congrats on getting back on the suboxone, its a good sign that you keep going back on it, that you want to be clean and have the best life you can. I went off it as well, thought i would be OK.... I was so convinced that I was strong enough, and determined enough. What I (and I've heard this from many others,) failed to remember is that addiction is a disease, you have your whole life. [U] It doesn't leave you[/U], and can progress even while you are clean. I was shocked and baffled at my own self, thinking I knew myself, at how quickly I relapsed. Its like the disease had a mind of its own. I had no control over it, it owns a certain part of my brain, and is very sneaky, scamming, and manipulative. This disease will work on getting back what it needs to grow rapidly, without you're even being aware of it! Thats how I feel anyway. Its pretty scary, but with support, and constant care, you can be OK.

I go to AA meetings, (I just don't tell them about my percoset trouble, sometimes in my experience they just want to stick to alcohol, but still, addiction is addiction. ) I look at these meetings as my "medicine". And most of the time after I take my "medicine" I feel better, and know I will be OK for 1 more day, only taking 1 day on in my mind. Its important to take care of youself! Like you would with any other disease. Perhaps you could find some meetings outside of where you live.... they really are anonymous, and [U]so[/U] supportive. Glad you're back on track! I wish you the best.... and by the way, Go Celts!!! Sherbear38 in Foxboro, MA

Sherbear38 06-14-2008 01:56 AM

Re: giving it another try
 
Hey, just one more quick thing.... if you're not yet ready for meetings, you might look at coming here as "medicine" too. If you have someone in your life you trust, a best friend, or sibling, drag them to a meeting with you for moral support. Be it AA , or NA. Most likely a "regular" at that meeting will extend his hand and introduce himself. Remember this persons name, (even if you have to go to the Men's room and write it down.)

Next time you go, re-introduce yourself to this same person, and you will very likely be introduced to other "regulars". And theres your start! I'm betting you will be very pleasantly surprised at how welcome you will feel.
Good Luck! Sherbear

pingeye2 06-14-2008 04:54 PM

Re: giving it another try
 
Sherbear,
thanks for the kind words and encouragment. It was overwhelming at first for me to think of this as a life long battle. I always hoped that after I stopped using it would simply go away and I would move on. It took me a long time to accept that I would be battling this forever. Also a question to everybody out there, Does anyone who uses suboxone ever have a hard time waking up in the morning? I almost feel the same way in the morning as if i hasd been using. Im talking drowsiness and being overly tired. Maybe my dose is too high

jerry111165a 06-15-2008 07:51 AM

Re: giving it another try
 
Ping, first good morning, and welcome to the board.

You found a good place in coming here. We are definetly all supportive of each other here; you will find that there is much experience with what you are going thru right now and with that can come much inspiration to help you get clean from the opiates that hold you hostage.

I know, I've been right there where you are with the opiates and by the grace of God and with help from folks here I am now over 2 months clean from those devil pills.

By admitting that you have a problem with the oxys you have made a great start. You need to make a plan and stick to it. I would suggest a slow taper.Write down a plan, and stick to it. I find that most dont have the greatest luck quitting cold turkey, especially off of a strong opiate like Ocycontin.

Keep posting, read alot here and make a plan. Keep us posted on your progress. I think you'll find it helps so much to post your thoughts here. It takes a load off your chest, and you can get so much info here, and you will find that folks here are very ready to help you thru this, and get your life back on track, the way it should and need to be.

You can do this.

Again, welcome.

peace.

jerry.

pingeye2 06-15-2008 06:49 PM

Re: giving it another try
 
I appreciate the support from all. I am currently on day 6 of my latest attempt at clean living. Ive had many day sixes throughout my numerous attempts at stopping but i must say that I realy feel good about this time. As I previously mentioned I have been on a suboxone program and the thought of using has not really been on my mind too much. I know this is not a permanent thing but it has made it a little easier thus far. I feel pretty good otherwise, I have been working out again and I have also been reading a lot and i think this is what has kept my mind off of using. In one of my recent posts I mentioned that I dont know why when I feel so great not using, I ever go back to it again. I guess this just speaks volumes as to how strong addiction can be. I thik the support from this site and knowing that peopole are reading what I write is very helpful and I encourage anyone whos out there to please comment. thank you once again, I dont know if you guys know how helpful it is to hear from other people who have been through this. I no longer feel so alone and isolated with this problem of mine. thanks.

pingeye2 07-03-2008 11:21 AM

Re: giving it another try
 
I still have a question oout there for anyone who is on a suboxone program. Does anyone have trouble waking up in the morning? I started on 16mg a day and I figured once my does went down I would not be as drowsy and still tired in the morning but as my does decreases this does not change. If I do not get at least 8 or 9 hours of sleep it is nearly impossible to get out of bed. It basically feels the same waking up in the morning as it did when I was using. I was just wondering if anyone has this same problem or has heard of this at all. Thank you.

loopman 07-04-2008 10:52 AM

Re: giving it another try
 
Hey Ping,

I was in Boston the second week in June. Sat in the "Green Monster" It was awesome. I have been on suboxone for 11 months. I know what you mean about not waking up. I could sleep forever. Before, even being on Loritabs, if I got more than 6 hours sleep, it was a miracle. I think while we are on the pills our body and mind wakes us up and says "feed me". Hang in there. As you will see, I have lurked these boards for awhile. Almost same story as everyone else. I do believe the Sub has changed my life for the better. If something else comes up, give me a shout.

Loop

iWillDoThis 07-04-2008 11:17 PM

Re: giving it another try
 
Hey pingeye2,

I'm new to the site as well. Just found it on Thursday night actually. I've hardly been able to do anything else since then because all I want to do is read all of the threads. I don't know anything about Suboxone but I wanted to wish you all the luck in the world trying to get off all the meds. I think it is a brave thing you're doing. I'm about to start tapering off of my meds in less than 2 weeks so any advice you have about the whole process I'd love to hear. Well good luck, sounds like you're doing really well. If there's anything you need just holler! Have a good one. Stay strong!

M

pingeye2 07-08-2008 09:32 PM

Re: giving it another try
 
thank you for the kind words iwilldothis. today i have been 4 weeks without using and feel really good about it. I would love to give you advice about your tapering but I have to be honest I never had much luck in tapering down. I was addicted to oxycontin and anytime i had a plan to taper i would aquire a large amount and plan out a taper. executing the taper however was extremely difficult. Every time I would simply use in larger doses. I was never able to stop for more than three weeks or so. That was until I discovered suboxone. I know suboxone is a controversial subect on this board but I am a believer. after my first suboxone does I did not use for 3.5 months. Unfortuanetly I had a relapse for about a month and now have been clean again for a month. This time I really believe that I am on the path and feel stronger than ever. I just wanted to let you know my experience with tapering and my experience with addiction. good luck!!!! stay on this site, it has really helped me and I feel like it has been a great tool for my recovery.

pingeye2 07-08-2008 09:36 PM

Re: giving it another try
 
loopman thank you for youru response. Glad to hear you enjoyed your experience in boston and had teh good fortune of seeing a red sox game at fenway. With the recent success of boston sports teams the country seems to be very anti boston and its good to hear someones positive experience. As my suboxone dose had decreased I have noticed a little improvement in my drowsiness in the morning. I agree with you that suboxone has saved my life. I only wish I had considered it earlier. One thing I know is that my savings acount would be a little larger. Keep it up!!!!


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