Hello one and all. I hope this reaches everyone in good health and spirits. Well here I am staring 60 days clean from heroin in the face. I'm really amazed by my progress.(not to pat myself on the back...well kinda) I have used opiates all of my life. My Dad, God bless him, started giving me morphine when I was 14. I was a gymnast and had my fair share of injuries. Not to mention I have horrible OCD. So his solution was to dope me up. I really don't think his intentions were to turn me into a junky. But these things happen. Over the years I have cleaned up long enough to get pregnant,give birth, pass work drug screens,and while waiting for my next script...etc. But I have never sobered up because I wanted to. Honestly I never thought I could. But here I am,clean sober and proud. I have one problem that I'm having a hard time dealing with. I'm not really comfortable talking about it. But I need help with this issue. So here goes... I was the dope girl. I fed other peoples habits. I used to brag about how much money I made,how many customers I had...how good my product was...etc. I'm really struggling with this now. I have begun to have nightmares about people overdosing. Really graphic dreams. I don't know why I'm having these dreams now.But it's scaring me ...bad. So bad in fact that I called a couple of the people I had dreams about just to see if they were alright. I'm getting to the point to where I'm afraid to go to sleep. Which is a total drag because I just got to the point where I actually can sleep. I know what I did was unmoral and disgusting. But how do I deal with this? I can't afford to let this get to me. I've come way too far. 60 days is a lifetime to me right now. I almost bought some Norcos the other day just so I could sleep. But knew what kind of hell that would've been. So I didn't. I feel like I'm losing this fight. Anyone with any similar experiences? I'm sorry I'm rambling. Well 60 days and counting. ...
I really hope you realize how proud I, and everyone else here is of you. No bull, I am very, very proud of you. You have come so, so far and from what I have seen have grown so much. I know how hard this is, been there done that.
You cant beat yourself up over the past, hon. We need to let go and move on. I dont even like thinking of the bad places I've been, the bad people I've dealt with, what I have done to get and stay high. We need to move on, and put all the negatives behind us and think positive!
I havent had nightmares, but it seems to me that you need to totally let go of the past. The past was bad. the future is GOOD. You are doing so well after all that you have been thru. I've watched, we've all watched, and I am smiling right now just thinking of how far you've come.
Fill your life with positives. Flowers and sunshine and smiling childrens faces.
The bad dreams will pass. Fill your head with only positives and the negatives will dissapear.
Jerry thank you so much for your uplifting words. I'm really struggling right now and have considered using more times this week than in the last 60 days. I'm still sober ! But at this point it's an hourly fight. I cross my fingers I don't lose this one. Again thanks. You're such a good friend.
Peace Love and Skittles
Have a Grateful Day
I almost forgot to say congrats on your 60 days !
So congrats ! You are an inspiration to many !
Please hang in there. Believe me, I consider using sometimes,too...seems like once the "thrill" of quitting is kinda over the mind tells you it aint a big deal...
But we both know what a big deal it is, so hang in there.
Hey, btw, we are going to go see Phil in Boston Saturday night! *wild grin*
Thats awesome. Who's going you and Althea? I'm thinking Jer, I might go do some inpatient treatment for a week or so,I'm so worried about relapsing. I even went and got a new kit. ~sigh~ I'm gonna make some calls when these places open. I'll keep ya posted friend Big hugs