Wel, I still am not doing well at staying clean. And an incident that happened the other night really scared me. I had taken a bunch of Soma and klonopin, and my coordination and judgement were both completey shot. My husband knew that I'd taken a load of pills )he eventually counted them), and was predictably angry. He kept yelling at me to stay in bed, I kept getting up, I kept falling. The worse was a fal (or two?) in the bathroom where I seriously banged up my head. No brokes, just a lot of swelling and bruising. Like I really needed another head injury. He was absolutely furious with me, and I was actually afraid he'd leave.
And the worst part of it is that e doesn't even know about the fentanyl, which I've not been good about at all. I even periodcally shoot it or morphine, and everytime, I hate myself for it.
I want out. Even death seems preferable to thiss existance
Yeah, I'm way down on 12-step programs; does anyone have anything to offer?
I've been where you are. I remember clearly how every night after i did something even more dreadful than the last time; i would lie in my bed and write. i would write about how much i hated myself, how much i really wanted to just end it all. how much my daughter deserved a better mother. how much i really was going to do so much better the next day, because i've had it THIS time !
and the next morning started with another pill, another blast, another bag; ANOTHER, then another then another, until this day was just like the day before.
and they just strung all together in a never ending hell on earth.
until one day i finally DID have enough. i finally knew that it wasnt just me in hell. i was pulling everyone else down there with me. but this time i had a baby, growing inside of me. an innocent child who didnt ask for this hell. and i was forced to really look at my life and what i was doing. or lose my children, both the born and the unborn.
but that's what its all about, what it means, to hit bottom.
that was mine...
what is yours?
i wish you so many blessings and so much hope. life is good. i am on suboxone. THANK GOD. this is keeping me out of that other life, that other hell.
I remember you from another post about spiritual matters and drug abuse. I could be wrong though.
How are you doing?
My hope is that you tell your husband, doctors, and... everything about the drugs so that they can help you. You might be surprised how helpful your husband can be (he'll be mad as hell at first).
Since the narcotics are so strong, tapering or a suboxone substitute sound's like a way out of this horrible addiction. Listen to michelle. She is very good.
going in-patient for detox and treatment would be a very good thing--maybe it will save your life. detoxing with suboxone (2-3 weeks) will make the withdrawl alot easier. if you are getting all these drugs from your doctor--you need to tell him and ask for his help!! addictions lead to jails, institutions and death--if you go get help now, you may avoid all that. have you been going to na? ask for help at a meeting! they can refer you to a treatment center. good luck--the first step is admitting you have a problem--now, go do something about it!
