Wel, I still am not doing well at staying clean. And an incident that happened the other night really scared me. I had taken a bunch of Soma and klonopin, and my coordination and judgement were both completey shot. My husband knew that I'd taken a load of pills )he eventually counted them), and was predictably angry. He kept yelling at me to stay in bed, I kept getting up, I kept falling. The worse was a fal (or two?) in the bathroom where I seriously banged up my head. No brokes, just a lot of swelling and bruising. Like I really needed another head injury. He was absolutely furious with me, and I was actually afraid he'd leave.
And the worst part of it is that e doesn't even know about the fentanyl, which I've not been good about at all. I even periodcally shoot it or morphine, and everytime, I hate myself for it.
I want out. Even death seems preferable to thiss existance
Yeah, I'm way down on 12-step programs; does anyone have anything to offer?
I've been where you are. I remember clearly how every night after i did something even more dreadful than the last time; i would lie in my bed and write. i would write about how much i hated myself, how much i really wanted to just end it all. how much my daughter deserved a better mother. how much i really was going to do so much better the next day, because i've had it THIS time !
and the next morning started with another pill, another blast, another bag; ANOTHER, then another then another, until this day was just like the day before.
and they just strung all together in a never ending hell on earth.
until one day i finally DID have enough. i finally knew that it wasnt just me in hell. i was pulling everyone else down there with me. but this time i had a baby, growing inside of me. an innocent child who didnt ask for this hell. and i was forced to really look at my life and what i was doing. or lose my children, both the born and the unborn.
but that's what its all about, what it means, to hit bottom.
that was mine...
what is yours?
i wish you so many blessings and so much hope. life is good. i am on suboxone. THANK GOD. this is keeping me out of that other life, that other hell.
going in-patient for detox and treatment would be a very good thing--maybe it will save your life. detoxing with suboxone (2-3 weeks) will make the withdrawl alot easier. if you are getting all these drugs from your doctor--you need to tell him and ask for his help!! addictions lead to jails, institutions and death--if you go get help now, you may avoid all that. have you been going to na? ask for help at a meeting! they can refer you to a treatment center. good luck--the first step is admitting you have a problem--now, go do something about it!