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Old 07-05-2008, 03:00 PM   #1
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eldogg HB User
Thumbs up needin' support

you know i just gotta post this out,know one else to tell.i am so wantin to use rite now,i have had a fewbeer and now the earge is stronger than ever,they never taught me how to deal with this please help,its real hard i don't think i wanna drink anymore is that natural,i mean i am not an alcoholic but i love my budweiser,is this controlable do you think jerr or reach or any1,i really don't want to take that crap,your opinion would be appreciated,thanx
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Old 07-05-2008, 03:10 PM   #2
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Re: need help please,needs help no more,well maybe some

E, some can, most cant.

Alcohol is a drug. Period. Personally, I've never had an issue w/ it, but it definetly can lower your guard, my friend.
Right now you are definetly not in a place to have your guard down.

You know what you need to do.

jerry.

 
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Old 07-05-2008, 03:25 PM   #3
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Re: need help please,needs help no more,well maybe some

yeah i know what i gotta do and i am so sorry i took that first mouthfull now i have to deal w/ this darn beast all nite like before,i mean the withdrawl is k but the cravings r bad, this is hard man,it will be a while till i will drink again i think,but what happens if this sends me the way i used to be?..oh this is weighing hard on my mind,its gonna be a long nite.thanx jerr just for bein there man!!!kinda "sad smile from me"
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Last edited by eldogg; 07-05-2008 at 03:28 PM.

 
Old 07-05-2008, 03:52 PM   #4
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emsmom HB User
Re: need help please,needs help no more,well maybe some

eldogg,

You went through rehab, did the whole w/d thing, remember what that felt like?

One is too many, and a thousand is NEVER enough!!!

Its a vicious circle my friend. All of a sudden, you're back where you started. The beast is telling you "just one more, you'll stop tomorrow" You know exactly what I'm talking about.

Its not worth it. The beast is not worth it. Kick him in the pants!

Hugs my Canadian friend.

 
Old 07-05-2008, 04:01 PM   #5
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Re: need help please,needs help no more,well maybe some

thanx emsmom you r rite when you say 1000 isn't enough,here here,the beast is real strong,and its hard to think of life w/out him really and that hurts alot,i wish i would never have let myself get this far.
although in the back of my mind i know this will get better,but it hard to deal with now.
thanx for lettin me post it out to you! it helps me lots more than you know.sad smile again
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Old 07-05-2008, 05:12 PM   #6
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Re: need help please,needs help no more,well maybe some

Its almost impossible to do it alone, you know that. Do you have the opportunity to go to a meeting tomorrow? Sometimes, we need others who've gone through what we're going through, to help guide us along the way

I'll be thinking of you,
emsmom

 
Old 07-05-2008, 05:49 PM   #7
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Re: need help please,needs help no more,well maybe some

Hey El

What to do with the time that used to be spent zoned out and not worrying about time.... this is something we need to address in sobriety.

I can remember standing in my kitchen one evening around 7 PM thinking to myself, "What the heck should I be doing? I think I should be doing something besides just standing here wonderingabout it." It hit me that for all the 7 PMs for a few years had been up in my bed zoned out for the rest of the night. Now that I wasn't zoned out anymore, I had to think of what I did long before the drugs took over. So I picked up a broom and started sweeping. You know what, El? I couldn't even remember the last time I had swept a floor! So I swept and realized this is the kind of thing 'normal' people do. Evryday after that I wroked on thinking about everyday things to do. I started calling friends... called some relatives to catch up sometimes to. I began to clean a drawer, go through my clothes, throw in a load of wash, take a bit of a walk.

It was a lot of thinking and forcing myself to do stuff like this. I had to rediscover how to actually live normally. How to fill my time with both chores and relaxing.... it took a long time to learn to relax so I did a heck of a lot of chores! Now I am able to do both... I can do some chores and then relax.

I think that this is what you need to work on, El. Learning how to live again and keep busy with the routines of life that need to fill the time we used to use zoned out. Activities. I am not saying it is time to learn to knit
(although that does pass time!). I am suggesting you get off the fanny and go do something. Make yourself take a walk. Go scrub the kitchen floor. Clean the garage. Do things that pass the time so that there is no time to dwell on a craving. The craving will pass and the thinking of what to do with the down time will slowly change and evolve into everyday things. I have written before that living in sobriety is boring... and that boring can be wonderful and happy and peaceful.

Put on some peppy music and get thyself up and about, doing something. Start retraining the brain, my friend. Work it, El, work it.

I am glad you posted. Glad you got the truth out here. Now there is a suggestion on how to work out the craving, how to fill the time, how to retrain the brain. Get it going, okay?

Hugs
reach

 
Old 07-06-2008, 03:26 PM   #8
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eldogg HB User
Re: need help please,needs help no more,well maybe some

you know reach it is like you always know the rite thing to say,...,and it really helps to have some1 so inspirational as you to chat wit over this,and i thank you darlin i really do,but i have to say i am havein a real hard time changin my thought pattern on this,it is all i have known for so ,so,so long almost three quarters of my life on some kind of pill,so i don't really know the things real people do,is that rite?sounds good,lol.and that is what i am strugling over,and even when i do something it is like there is somethin missing,cause ussually i dose rite up be4 i do anything,,,,oh man it is hard especially after last nite,no sleep and all makes eldogg not a happy camper,but do you think this will get better for me?or will it stick all my life cause of how long i used?,so many things to worry bout now never felt like this before,I guess the drugs used to blur this reality,it really does bring tears to my eyes.
but really thanx for bein there!!!!
great big hugs to you good friend.
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Old 07-06-2008, 06:39 PM   #9
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Re: need help please,needs help no more,well maybe some

Hey Buddy

When I first stopped using, things felt really weird for me. As I forced myself to do things as simple as sweeping the floor, I felt like I was an actress in a play.... you know? Like I was playing a part that wasn't really me. I practiced being social with my sister-in-law and a few friends. A lot of the time my converstaion was forced. "Nice weather, huh? "How are the kids?" I would feel uncomfortable kinda like a wallflower at a party trying to make the time go by and never really enjoying it.

I had to practice. Eventually the flow came more easily, but it was a struggle in the beginning. Something else that helped me was establishing a routine in the beginning. Once I got up in the morning, I needed to have clear that were some things I had to accomplish. I had to get a bit of a walk in, I had to straighten the kitchen or hang some clothes on the line. I had to call a friend or relative. I didn't really feel like doing these things at all, but I knew somewhere inside me it was how I was going to survive... geting some kind of routine going for myself that was about what I thought would be normal, everyday things.

Eventually, doing these kind of things became habit. They began to feel normal and comfortable. For a long time.... many, many months... it needed to be some kind of physical thing, some kind of movement because I was still filled with a kind of vague restllesness, a kind of anxiety I guess. It came to a point where I was just so exhausted that I was forced to try and figure out how to relax again. I had to try and be able to sit and watch a TV show, sit on the back porch and just kind of daydream and try to enjoy just sitting. I still have not found the ability to sit and read a book again. I miss that a lot and keep it as a goal.

You now, El, this is the part of recovery that takes the longest. It is this part that makes many of us say that it can take up to a year to really find restoration in our lives. For so long we marched to a differnt beat in our pill use and now we are trying to learn a new tempo. We just have to stay aware that the tempo is different now and we have to practice a lot how to march to it. We force ourselves to stay in step until it becomes a rote manuever in us. Slowly, slowly, our brains pick up the new beat and strt to work in harmony with what we want to do. It all becomes a more natural rythym for us.

And yes, El, I absolutely believe it is going to get better for you. I really do. This is not just wishful thinking... it is the fact of what I have seen in my own evolution. It is being a few steps ahead of you and saying to you, "Come on along, the way is safe." It is not magic, El, but a series of practical steps that have been walked by a lot of people before us. Withdrawal, finding recovery, living life more fulfilled and happily... it is like a formula when we mix together certain practical steps, we get there.

It is so normal not to quite feel normal at this point! It is normal to not feel comfortable in your new skin yet. It will come, though. It was a leap of faith for me to believe that when others explained it to me. However, I would read what they wrote and decided that they had no reason to come here and spend their time telling me lies. Chuckles. So I grasped the hope in their words and plodded along. I waded through time not quite feeling natural for a while. Today, however, I do feel natural and comfortable in my own skin. I actually like it here. Smiles.

The sleep.... man, I can sympathize on that one for sure. It eluded me for a long time, El. I really had to force a pretty strict routine and even with that it was often hard. I did keep a routine though. Rituals like a bubblebath around the same time, no eating after a certain time, taking Melatonin at a certain time and at least turning the lights off at a certain hour and attempting to fall asleep. Sleep issues seem to be one of the last symptoms to go away for most of us. But, rest assured (haha, a pun there), it does get better.

You are going to be okay, El. Believe it, work it and it will happen.

Hugs
reach

 
Old 07-07-2008, 04:53 PM   #10
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eldogg HB User
Re: need help please,needs help no more,well maybe some

hey reach i can say it is like you r here to hold my hand through all this and i am glad you are please do beleive me.ya know it is like i am not comfortable in my own skin,and i am not quite sure how to modify so that i do you know what i mean?no matter how hard i try to be normal it does not seem to make a diff:i want to join the army so i been workin on the runnin part of it and the rest of the physical part but it is like i am missin something,same as when i eat,now it feels like i am craving that special food and no matter what i eat it won't go away is that norml?i am so glad to have some1 a few steps ahead of me that is as so full of wisdom and insiration as you but i am still havein a hard time comin to grips wit this part of the road my favorite thing in the whole world used to be to curl up wit a good book for 3-4 hours and now i cann't no matter how hard or how bad i want to and it makes me wanna scream,I MISS MY LIFE you could say nothin feels the same,tears,it is like i am alive but barly,i have no joy in lfe now and is it so s&*t#,even as hard as i try to fill that void it don't work,no matter what i DO,i am at a loss of words on how explain to people why i am not smiling,or why i seem not to be there know what i mean and it is frustrating,noone in my family has been through this,cept my girlfriend and she no wanna see me now,but what am i doin sorry to cry on ur shoulder,but this really is hard i find myself in more of a bi%^&y mood and,...well lets just say its hard,but i will post later i gotta go get some grub,not that i eat much.
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Old 07-07-2008, 05:33 PM   #11
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emsmom HB User
Re: need help please,needs help no more,well maybe some

Hey eldogg, if you get a chance, please read my new post...I could use a friend right about now

 
Old 07-07-2008, 05:57 PM   #12
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emsmom HB User
Re: need help please,needs help no more,well maybe some

Hey eldogg,

Yes, very strange coincidence - similar time, similar relapse, similar idiot (no offence).

Well, we'll go through this together - meaning, we'll beat this together. What happened just before you used? What were you doing? Did you try to talk yourself out of it?

I was sitting on the couch (something I do alot of lately) thinking and thinking, talking myself out of it, then thinking again. All of a sudden, I got off the couch and started looking. I KNEW they were in the house, but never had that feeling to go look until today. I mentioned, to hubby, that sometimes I think about the fact that they're in the house, but never got the feeling to go looking. He told me he was proud of me. Guess I screwed that up.

When I found them, I poured them onto the carpet, stared at them for about 2 minutes, then put them on my coffee table and went to put the sock back. After I got back, I broke them up, and left them in my mouth for, what seemed like, forever...

As soon as I swallowed them, I started crying and came straight to the computer to post about it.

Why didn't I post "before" I started looking? Why didn't I call hubby (who, I might add, is THE most supportive person I've ever met)?

I'll tell you why...

Its cause I knew someone would talk me out of it. Whether it was someone on here or hubby, I knew. I am going to Rehab one week from today and figured what the heck. I regreat it now, but its too late

I'm sorry you feel bad about using eldogg. I'm sorry you're feeling so crappy. I wish I knew something better to say but I'm just as bad...


Last edited by emsmom; 07-07-2008 at 05:59 PM.

 
Old 07-07-2008, 05:58 PM   #13
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eldogg HB User
Re: need help please,needs help no more,well maybe some

i just got home,and have to say i am back to my old ways got a few pills and now am waked out of my gord,love to read a book rite now,lol,ha guess i got nuttin to laugh bout look at me,i screwed up good now look at me i took two 100's and i think i took too much cause i feel weird,not like b4,more intense,WOW,what a feeling,sorry every1 but i can't help it i feel great but bad all at the sametime,SORRY,sorry it happened to you to emsmom,i read ur post and i am sorry u feel like me
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Last edited by Administrator; 07-07-2008 at 06:19 PM.

 
Old 07-07-2008, 06:13 PM   #14
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Re: need help please,needs help no more,well maybe some

Hey There to Both of You

Sigh. I am not going to berate either of you because I am sure you can do that very well for yourselves. However, even though I care very much about both of you, I am not going to sympathize either.

Just gonna tell you straight up... it needs to be the last time. We start from where we are, so get back on the horse and start riding again. There is no excuse, just acceptance that it has happened and needs to not happen again.

To find sobriety and to restore our lives means we need to fight and fight hard. This won't be the last time temptation hits. It has to faced head on each time and fought down until the response not to use becomes automatic.
It will become automatic not to use with time under the belt... but to get time under the belt, you have to keep determination strong.

With prayers for strength
reach

 
Old 07-08-2008, 03:03 AM   #15
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Re: needin' support

Morning, Mr El

New day, new start. Good day to start finding new places to go when you go out. Smiles.

We need to find some things for you to do, discover ways to fuill the voids...have you considered some NA meetings? It's a way to meet new friends and have some good support.

Gotta work at filling those voids. I know you are feeling empty right now. I sure did in the beginning. Empty and robotic. Unsure of myself and lost. I just kept plodding along and little by little my steps became surer with more bounce in them. It happens, El.

We put so much effort and hard work into the withdrawal and then.... and then what? We find ourselves still not feeling complete yet. That's okay, El. There is just a little more way to go. There is a kind of excitment in us in withdrawal because we have a clear cut goal of getting off the pills. There is almost a rush in us because for the first time in a long time we feel like we are doing something worthwhile. Then we get there and it is like, "Now what?" This is when we have to start making new goals, Buddy. Life is a whole series of new goals. The goals need to be simple at first...like working our way back into society with family and friends. Talking with them, maybe a little excursion to the store together, a time in a park together. Baby steps, baby steps.

For me, I find a lot of peace out in the dirt. Chuckles. I weed the garden and work in the dirt. It is calming, it is peaceful. Gives me time to reflect and plan new goals for myself. Nothing lofty, just new goals. Like one of them is I am going to find a place to start volunteering. I can not work steady anymore, but I have times when I am pretty good physically. I am thinking maybe I will work at a soup kitchen a couple of hours a week, maybe I will rock babies at the local hospital. It has taken me a long time to be ready to move out a little wider, but I am ready now.

Live goes on, El, and each day is a new opportunity to live it again in a good way, in a way that makes us feel okay about ourselves and others. Starighten up the back, lift the head and take today's opportunities.

Love
reach

 
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