I am so sick of myself and my addictions and the chase to keep up supply of meds. I am BP, adhd, anxiety-ridden, depressed and just disgusted with myself and this tangled web of lies and abuse I have created the past 3 decades.
Intellectually, I know have so much going for me, but I can not appreciate it. Maybe I feel I don't deserve it. I don't. I just hurt people. Yet everyone gravitates to me.
I am wasting my life and my families.
I am an addict.
I am currently taking concerta 2-56mg and 2-36 mg daily (prescribed), about 14 mg xanax, (8 mg daily prescribed), just this week detoxed off about 1000 mg daily of Ultram which I had been on for years (nasty stuff and definately narcotic), suposed to be on Abilify but feel it slows me down, but what is sending me over the edge is that I stupidly started supplimenty provigil to this cocktail at a pretty hefty dose (unprescribed.) I feel like I have to constantly be "on".
I just turned 50 and I guess I am struggling with that.
But everyone views me as the princes. I am the one everyone wants to be with. I am unpredicable (duh) and I hurt people. I don't know who I will be in the morning when I wake. I do not return phone calls, not because I want to shun someone, but sometimes I just can't. Because I can not be what they think I am that day and can not pretend.
I want my life back.
I did OK on the concerta and xanax but will the efficacy of the concerta ever work again now that I added the provigil???
Please someone talk to me.
I have never done anything like this before.
Ok, first of all... You are being very hard on yourself like most of us addicts are! I don't want you to feel so crappy about yourself because I am sure you are a great person... Just a person who is struggling with addiction.
I am not an expert on meds by any means but it sounds like you are taking a very wide range of things and no wonder you feel uncertain about everything.
I say this out of respect but it sounds like you have put a lot of pressure on yourself trying to be what everyone wants or expects you to be.... I AM THAT GIRL TOO! So I completely understand when you said what you did about it.
It sounds like you need some support and that is what I am here to give. Are you ready to make a change yet in regards to your drug use? I am proud of you for having the courage to come on and post your story because I know how scared I was when I made my first post.. I think my hands shook the entire time because it was the first time I had ever admitted to ANYONE that I was an addict.
I hate to hear you struggle and I want you to know you will be on my mind, in my heart and most definetly in my prayers. I hope things get better for you. Keep posting. Make yourself at home... you will love it here. I have made some amazing friends here.. Ones that have gotten me thru the worst of the worst and I have never even met them... I don't know what they look like or what some of their real names are but I honestly have love for every one of them in my heart.
Keep posting... Lets try to talk thru some of this.
Hi Janey15~My name is Linda and you will see me here as 1RODFAN! I am sorry it took this much time to respond. I can tell you are living withing your own hell as we all are, you are not alone! We reach out and grasp onto things that we know other people like us addicts are going through. I will keep you in my prayers for I pray for dtrength and guidance and I will for everyone here. <removed> I go in on the 13th of March for detox from alcohol (hangin tough) but I have beeen through painpill adiction also, many years ago. Took me going to a treatment center~but I have replaced one for another <removed> Please~we all have one thing in common on this board~we are addicts which does not make us bad people we are just caught up in the twisted way of "feeling normal".
Thinking of you,
Last edited by mod-anon; 03-02-2009 at 12:28 AM.
Reason: do not discuss off-site contact
Hiya mate.....amd welcome,welcome,WELCOME!!! This is a good place to be right now..we are all in different stages of mess. I admire your courage to finally stand up after 3 decades and try to do something right and good. This will be good for you......it may be a long hard road ahead but please keep focused on the end picture. Imagine yourself sober,enjoying your family and them enjoying you for who you really are.
I sympathise with you and , as I think secrets said so well(as always!!) we are all 'that girl'. I have been abusing street drugs and scripts for 15 odd years now and can relate to not knowing who I really am anymore. But I know that underneath,somewhere,is the good person that I once was. It is exhausting in every way imaginable to live a lie.....the deciet and dishonesty to people around is wearing. We are all here to help.....and you can vent,shout or just talk anytime you want. Someone here will listen.....and of course Im there to.
Take pride in yourself today for you have taken the first step and found us.
Let me know how you're doing
This is Glenn (bucsfan12) and I just joined this board. I am hoping to help people like you because I have been in your shoes. I also know that I can be right back in them if I make the wrong choices but that is simply not an option. My addiction was to GHB (POWERFULL DEMON) and also to Xanax. I too, like all addicts put my family (especially my wife) through hell. I hurt and dissappointed alot of people. I too was living an impossible to hide lie. It's no way to live. You are reaching out which is the most important step. You must get past feeling guilty. There will be time to make ammends to anyone you think that needs it. Focus on being TRUE to yourself. I know it's tough because you even tryu to lie to yourself about your addiction. If I can help you in any way please let me know. You will find that how you got here is irrelevant. I have attended meetings and it seems that everyone eventualy comes to the same place..rock bottom. I would be happy to share my story with you. Let me know what you need from me. I'll be there!
Well kiddo, all i can do is tell ya what i did. I was addicted to opiates for 14 years. oxycontin, dilaudid, etc., etc. As you, everyone thought I was on top of the world, great job, active in everything...but...the real me was a ruthless drug addict that would hurt anyone without a second thought to get a hit. One day, after almost getting caught stealing a car, i decided to get my life back. Here's the first thing I did...... I told everyone what I was, and told them I wanted their help. I called a bunch of my family, called my boss at work, called a few very close friends and invited all of them to my home one saturday. Everyone was confused until I sat them all down and let it all out. There were tears, yells, angryness, shock, etc., etc.,.... to make a long story short, I am now 12 years clean and very happy. When I told everyone what I really was, there was an enormous weight taken off me. It felt so darn good to not hide no more. Not everyone came around at first to help, but I didn't care. I was going to get my life together with, or without them. Now that the hard part was over, (hard part was having to hide) i knew i could do it. To my surprise, my boss understood and helped. As did my family. Only a few friends didn't understand and I haven't seen them since. So......just get all your family and friends and anyone else close to you and let it out and hope for the best. Again, this worked for me, everyone is different. In my case, the hiding and huge worry of certain people finding out what i really was, was killing me worse than the drug. Good luck..
Last edited by mod-anon; 03-02-2009 at 12:29 AM.
Reason: removed quote
Everyone is different and what works for some doesn't for others. You could try to taper of the med you didn't get from your Dr. You know what I have relized is EVERYONE knows that narcotics are addictive, but when we get addicted to them we feel like there is something wrong with us. Were ashamed of it. It's so stupid to feel this way , yet we all do. Getting it out in the open with whom ever is in your life that you love and trust might be what you need. Take all that presure off yourself. Talk to your Dr. it might take some time for the extra drugs to get out of your system, but when they do you should get some releif. Most importantly tell your self it's OK to ask for help and get it. Keep posting here and you won't fell so alone it has helped me get off percocet. 21 days so farand my back is fine its likely been fine for a long time but the withdrawl from the perks kept me taking them. 1 week of hell to get my life back, it's sooooo worth it. Carrara
Oh my God, there are angels that walk the earth. Thank you all soooo much. Not only for replying to my cry for help, but for the love, concern and UNDERSTANDING that was so obvious in your words. And you did not judge me, you embraced me. Thank you.
I was not able to look back at this board for a day or two because my depression was so bad I have been in bed under the covers. I checked it once about a day after posting and just kept rereading your messages with tears pouring down my face. Then I crawled to the floor yesterday from my bed to the computer and read that you want to know how I am?! Again, tears overflowed.
My husband left me last night. I am impossible to live with. Especially when I have abused my meds and have run out.
Yesterday I called psych. and told her what was going on. She recently underwent major surgery for cancer at a very young age, shortly after having her 4th child. I have not seen her subsequently, for a while, as she won't even turn me over to a counselor because I have decades of messing with docs for scripts and messing with health professionals to get what I want. But with her I have given something I guard with my life...vulnerability. And with that comes truth. How could I bother her with my crap when I'm a self-medicating junkie and she could have died. She needs chemo but with prayers may be OK. anyway, I guess I lost my support temporarily and now that she is back to work I feel that I have no right to impose my bad choices on her when she never had a choice. Does that make sense??
Anyway, I did call and I see her Friday morning. I also got my concerta refilled today (she has me on a 7 day fill at a time). Hence I am able to semi-function.
No cheating on ultram about 10 days.
Husband gone. We have 6 kids between us. Two mine, and 3 of his four live with us as mother abanded them 4 years ago and took the youngest and moved home with mommy across the country. Our youngest left for college this fall but they all end up home every weekend starting to trickle in on Thursdays. It's overwhelming and our parenting skills are 180 degrees. It's terrifing trying to pull it together for them. I just don't know. I really do try though, but they call me crazy (the steps) but not in a bad way, but, well get get a job dude and pick up your own pop cans and chewed gum! sorry, deviating a bit.
I'm weary, my new friends so I bid you goodbye for now. I would say adei, adue, but I do not know how to spell it!
God bless you all, I am praying for you all. I want to say I love you but I've only spoke to you once. I guess that's not the worst thing though. I love you
I am so sorry for the situation you are in. I feel terrible for you and if I was there.. boy of boy would I hug you so hard and just let you cry it out. I just feel terrible and I wish there was something I could do to help you.
We are here for you though. The depression situation is terrible! I know I have my days of deep sadness and I don't wish that upon anyone so I am sorry you are dealing with that.
Just know we are here for you at any time.... We can all try to get thru our struggles together. Just know, you are NOT alone.. You have us. I am so sorry that your husband left you... If you want to talk more about it... vent away...
Sending you warm hugs and lots of prayers!
I love you right back!
Janey......I was so pleased to turn on today and see that you've posted. I have had you in my prayers,matey,and will continue to do so. Sorry to hear about hubby...thats a tough break. Someday you will see a silver lining in all this....I know that you'd probably think Im mad for saying that but what I mean is that sometimes our struggles strip us to our core. With that comes the bear bones of who we really our...you will now have to embark on a journey of self discovery. I hope your kids will be supportive...and pick up their own bloody gum!!
I get what you were saying bout your counsellor but,poppit,yes she has her own struggles but that doesnt take away from yours. By you confiding in her you are not saying...'hey,you are worse off than me and I dont deserve your help'...you are just wanting some guidance. That , my friend,is what she is there for. At this time,more than ever before, you need to be able to offload and let it all out. Its part of healing. Sorry this sounds so 'hippy' but its true.
Accept the help shes offering...she would not be back to seeing you if she was not ready to deal with it.
Please take as much time to post on here and talk to us all. We will be your rock. We are here for you.
Janey, I wish you well today and hope that the depression isnt to overwhelming right now. Focus on whats ahead....you're worth this and you deserve happiness.
with love and prayers........CC
When you find you can, post us an update please. We are thinking and praying for you. We know that right now everything seems to be falling apart and I am sorry for that! However, we are here for you in any way we can be.
Just know that no matter what.. you are not forgotten and in our thoughts and prayers. I am only on the computer for less than 2 more hours and then I don't have computer access again until MONDAY! I know.. how will I survive?
Hang in there love... You are in my prayers... I am wrapping you in a nice warm hug right now.