I've been struggling lately wondering why I don't feel worthy of being happy and healthy and enjoying life? Sometimes I feel as if I was just born this way, with a large hole in my heart that I've tried to fill with SO many things, food, shopping, drugs, compulsive exercise, people pleasing, etc., etc. I have been in talk therapy on and off for so many years and still feel like I haven't been able to reach the "real" issues of what my unhappiness is about.
I have everything in the world to be happy about, a nice home, a wonderful loving family, good job, decent finances, why then, why am I always looking for something MORE that what I have. I know it's because none of these so called material things, or things that look so good on the outside can bring true happiness. I need to learn to live in the moment and be thankful for everything I have and am in that very moment. I know if I am always thinking, "I'll be happy once...I lose 50lbs, I have a summer home, people like me, I'm important in the world, I'm clean and sober and have found "serenity", etc. , then I will never find happiness. I have been struggling lately with all of these philosophical questions and feeeling like perhaps all of the diagnoses I've had over the years, PTSD, OCS, major depression, bi-polar....are all just excuses. Maybe these meds I've been on all these years are stopping me from LIVING my LIFE! I thought I'd feel proud of myself and happy that I stopped using the hydro and now I'm just filled with guilt that I'm on the Suboxone and why can others get clean without this crutch but I need it. lately I've just wanted to stop the sub and all of my other meds and see if I can "fight it out" and go on with life as a person that doesn't need all of this artificial help.
I'm sure it sounds weird because a few months ago when I first started on the sub I felt as if I had a new life, a miracle had occurred that would bring me to a new level of freedom, now I simply feel as if it's another trap trying to keep me tied down to a life of misery. When I see people just happily going about their lives with such EASE....they are happy with any job, happy to get up in the morning and enjoy life, happy with what they have....I wonder, what am I missing?? Am I just weak and don't belong on this earth? Would anyone even notice I was gone....the pain would be gone and perhaps people around me would be grateful to have my misery out of their lives....I don't want to feel like I'm a burden and lately that is exactly how I feel. I feel it at work, at home, with friends (whom I have totally isolated from and never see anymore), with family.....
Strangely, or perhaps not so strangely, I have this recurring fantasy that I could leave my life behind, leave my partner, home, child, job, and just go off and use all the drugs I want and not care and not hurt anyone.....just have one last wild party and end it all.....is that sick or what?
I work in a helping profession and can have so much compassion for others who are struggling with life, drug addiction, family issues, etc. but I can not feel it for myself....if I let myself start to feel a bit of compassion for me, the guilt seeps in like crazy and takes over. What is this all about.....
Well, so sorry to ramble on like this on a Sunday morning, I have no plans today and want to crawl back into bed but I know if I do that, I'll just have to wake up again and feel the crushing pain of the reality of life. Yesterday I told my partner that the only happiness I feel is when I crawl into bed at night to go to sleep. It feels like the only time of day that I can actually FEEL content, to know that soon I will doze off into unconciousness and not have to feel, think, talk, pretend, and then I wake up in fear and it's a new day.....
It's been a week under 3 months since I've started the suboxone. I'm considering just tapering off of it as I haven't felt this depressed in awhile...what should I do?
Kewood, I can't tell you what to do about the sub, but I feel for you with your depression and that feeling of lack of meaning in your life. There are many at this point who would say that what you lack is Jesus or religion or something. I've been told that, too, and been down that road...lots. It was never the answer for me. No matter how much I devoted my life to god, I still had that aching hole that god was supposed to fill.
Something I have observed is that the happiest people are the ones pursuing their true passions. What are YOUR passions? What makes you feel good to the core of your soul? If you could choose any mission in life that you wanted, what would that be? Think on that question, find an answer, and then begin to work on that dream...that passion. So few people in their lives ever follow their passion. It is not an easy road, but is the most rewarding!
I am sorry you are going through hard times. Perhaps discuss with your doctor tapering of the sub. You've not been on it long. If you want to be free of that, too, I would think he would be the best person to advise you on the best way to go about that. Hang in there!
I'm writing to you now while in the throes of powerful craving, so I'm hoping that I can say something that will help us both.
Often those of us who suffer from various mental illnesses can be tricked by the disease itself. And how is that, you ask? Well, the disease whispers either, "I'm doing OK right now, so what do I need the meds for?" Or other times, it'll shout, "I feel like crap, so what are they doing for me?" In the first instance, IMHO, we need to be *aware* that it *is* the disease talking to us, *not* reality. This can be especially true for those of us with BPD. In the second example, I think it's *very* important to communicate with our psychiatrist what we're experiencing. If he/she doesn't know, then there's no possibility for any adjustment in our meds. It can take a very, very long time to get our brain chemsitry properly calibrated, and we haven't helped that poor organ with our over-indulgences. Perhaps, you could make a call tomorrow to your psychiatrist and see about a med adjustment?
As to those of us who don't seem to need the suboxone, we're not special. Believe me. There's nothing special about me, and with what I'm experiencing in terms of the cravings I wish there was something other than just keeping busy that would help. If they get worse, or persist for much longer, I'm starting the sub, and, dear girl, I'll do it proudly, and with relief.
Also, please don't feel ashamed, or blue in anyway about taking the sub. It doesn't mean you're weak. It means you're smart. You knew what you needed to do and you did it to survive. Give yourself a little more time.
Never make decisions, is my motto, when depressed, or during any major life crisis, for that matter. Wait til the dust settles, then in the clear air, weigh all options, look clearly and rationally at the issue, and then make the decision.
Most of us, here and in the real world, have flights of fancy about escape. There's a little Walter Mitty in all of us. We have the ability to dream, sometimes sweetly, sometimes darkly. Our free will is both blessing and curse.
While I'm never tempted to go fetal in bed, at this point I *do* have to force myself to do many of the more menial details of my life, just plod along picking up cereal bowls, laying down the law, sometimes even just getting my right foot moving in front of my left. I think I posted on my thread that I'm having a really tough time working right now, but I've decided to just give myself a little slack for another week or so. I'm too out of sorts physically, not sleeping really well, feeling even more than a little weak and shakey, not able to concentrate.
Our lives are somewhat parallel, as we've previously noted, and I want you to know that I'm here for you, a million cyber-miles away, but yet fairly close.
I *SO* understand how you're feeling with your, as they say in AA, "twisted thinking" about just checking out of it all in one blind, overindulgent druggy fanfare of farewell to all that is miserable in us. But we simply cannot. We must not. Even if we weren't parents, we still have a responsibility to our own selves to be as true and fair as possible.
You *are* worthy. You *are* good. You *have* made the right decision.
Please, please be brave and strong. We really are in this dreadful struggle together. I don't know how I'm going to fare with my cravings. I wish I could say that I KNOW I'll never slip, but I'm not sure that that's the truth. I am discovering that taking this crazy mat-hatter's ride is more a "take it one minute at a time" than a "one day at a time" experience. Sometimes I don't know how I'm going to even breathe I want the hydro so desperately, and then I *do* breathe, and the wretched moment has passed, like just now, and I'm free until the next dang attack.
Keep writing today if you need to. It will help even if you don't get replies right away, just pour out your soul. If you believe in a Higher Power, turn that way and cry out all your pain and know that the promise lives that your burden *will* be shouldered and lifted. Hey, even if you don't believe in an HP, you might give it a try anyway. :>)
Rede4 & Reader,
thanks for the quick & kind replies, they do help....I can't get over this feeling of "if I'm not DOING something productive, I am a loser." I have to be always doing, doing, doing, cleaning, working, producing and if I let myself sit and read then I'm guilty about it. Right now I'm fighting about "should I take a shower, clean the house and go to Costco, or should I curl up with a good book on the couch". I think I know which one would make me feel better, of course the couch & book but then the guilt will come in and the shopping & house will be neglected for a day....who cares? Nobody but me. That's the G-D perfectionist in me! I HATE it!
As for an HP, I consider myself a very spiritual person, more Buddhist than any other religion though I don't belong to any organized religion. That saying, "Religion is for those who fear going to Hell, Spirituality is for those who've already been there", really speaks to me. I believe in a universal force that guides all of us on our own individual paths. I also believe in reincarnation & karma....perhaps this is working off some karma of a past life where I didn't do some of the right things or treat people the right ways. OK, I can live with that if I'm at where I'm supposed to be at and usually I do believe that wholeheartedly.
I do believe in spirit guides who usually are relatives or pets who have passed on to the other side who guide me and protect me. Do you guys know of John Edwards, the psychic medium? He is coming to my town this Thursday and I bucked up and paid the embarrassingly high price of $175 for a ticket just to go and be in his presence. Of course, you are not guaranteed a reading but I just feel a pull to this and that I should go in case there is some sort of a message there for me....whether it is someone I love coming through from the other side, or someone else who may get a message that speaks to me. I love this kind of stuff and I know some people may think it's way, way out there.
I was raised Catholic but never felt that Christianity spoke to me like eastern philosophies and spirituality do....I do cry out for help to my HP, the universe, my spirit guides and I know I'll get that help in time, perhaps not in MY time frame but when I need to....sometimes letting it all go and letting things happen and work themselves out is the best way to go.
RedE, my passion in life is animals, dogs in particular. I would love to do something with dogs that makes money and can pay the bills but it's not realistic at this point in my life. Perhaps after I retire but I could begin thinking of what to do and how to do it and set some goals....uuuuggghh, the thought of that kind of "mental" preparation and work scares the sh#$ out of me!! Not sure why but it just does......more thinking.
I think I'm just going to sit on the couch and read and every time that voice of guilt slips in just say, "F-off, I deserve a break, I deserve some relaxation, leave me alone"!
Plus, I think I had mentioned that rash a few days ago....it's spread and turned into an nightmare so I went to the doc on Friday and she told me to use Benadryl 50mg 4X per day and put me on Prednisone, which I've never been on but I have heard can cause some mood swings, etc. So, I'm hoping, perhaps it's the benadryl & prednisone that are making me feel this down right now? I'm on a decreasing dose so I've only got 4 more days to go and I'll be off of it. It's not been pleasant with a swollen, itchy rash all over my back and body for the past week!
Thanks friends and best to you today. Hang in there and we'll all be here for one another, ok?
It does sound like the Benadryl and pred might be part of the culprit. Benadryl does an awful number on me. I can ONLY take that stuff at night, and then I spend the first 3 or 4 hours the next morning in a useless fog, which is why I will rarely even use it to help me sleep.
Your views on spirituality are very similar to mine. I even list my religion as "spiritual" on a social networking site. ...and animals, particularly dogs are my passion, too. I have 5 in the flesh, and a few cherished doggie spirits who I feel are still with me. In fact, the kids and I are pretty convinced that our dog who died a freak, tragic death last year is still with us. We see her out of the corner of our eyes all the time. I know that sounds odd. It had been happening to me and I'd not told the kids about it, because I wasn't sure if it would freak them out, but when they all started coming to me telling me they saw her coming up the stairs...following them into a room...sitting on one of the dogs beds (etc, etc) I knew I wasn't crazy and I told them about my sightings.
I'd love to somehow make animals a career. In fact, I am training my two small dogs as therapy dogs. They are young now and will hopefully calm down in time. I should be able to do that with them within a few months.
I'd love to also use animals to help troubled youths. There are some successful programs where unadoptable shelter dogs are paired with juvenile inmates. During an intense 6 weeks period, the kids, under supervision of a trainer are taught to teach these canine delinquents how to be good citizens. These programs have been very successful in helping the animals and the children get on track to a successful future.
Something I have begun doing myself is volunteering at our county shelter. The animals need it so much! There is noone to walk, bathe, brush, play with them and some of these dogs need this to help give them a better chance to be adopted.
Another thing I do that brings me a lot of satisfaction is I am a volunteer for two breed rescues (for the sake of anonymity, I won't say which one since it is not a very well known breed and I'd hate for someone somehow to figure out who I am!). What I do as a volunteer is search <removed> for dogs of this breed that are in kill shelters. I notify the rescue coordinator in that dog's area of the dog and they hop right on finding local or closeby volunteers to get the dog out of the shelter and into rescue. If a dog in my general area is found, I help transport dogs from their point of rescue (whether it be from a shelter, or a puppy mill bust or an owner surrender) to either another transport driver if the distance is far or to their foster home. I also foster dogs and help do a personality and behavior profile on them, make sure that their vet care is attended to spaying and neutering, and to help know them better so they can be matched with their perfect forever home.
You might find these type things give you great satisfaction. PM me if you want more information on how to go about any of these things.
When you get off the benedryl and pred, I think you will feel lots better.
Then, really soul-search. Get out pen and paper. Be brutally honest with yourself and...write a list of what you really don't like in your life. Write another list of what you do like. Write a list of what you CAN change right now and what you CAN'T. If you can't change something, write a plan for being able to change it in the future...or a plan for dealing with it. Do NOT be afraid to dream. Not dream wild, childlike fantasies, but dreams of your meaningful life and all that it would have in it. Only be afraid of allowing those dreams to go unrealized.
If you need an ear, I am here!
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That's amazing that one of your passions is dogs, too!! Right now I just have 2, a boxer who is 2yrs old and a wild man, and a 12 yr. old Jack Russell/Poodle mix who is trained as a Psychiatric Service Dog. I have trained him and he gets to go to work with me and travel with me, etc. He's such an amazing helper! He gets me through lots of rough times with the PTSD, panic attacks, etc. He is getting up there in age, though, lost an eye to glaucoma last year but he is still going strong.
The boxer is too high energy, at least right now, to be trained as a PSD, so I'm currently looking at what a good dog might be for when my little boy is gone...I can't go there yet, though! Losing my animals is always so very difficult, it's as difficult, if not more, than losing the people in my life.
It sounds like you are doing amazing work with your fostering dogs, training, rescuing, etc. That is wonderful. I can tell already just by writing and thinking about this stuff, it takes my mind off of the other crap that is getting in the way right now.
I had a dog when I was 19 who lived until she was almost 16 yrs. old and she was the most incredible dog I've ever owned. She is always with me. like you said, I see her sometimes, I feel her sometimes and I even went to a psychic who knew nothing about my life and asked if I had a black and white dog, I said I had at one time and she said she's still there with you and comes in and out the sliding glass door. I had never even mentioned a sliding glass door but that's where we let our dogs in and out of.
Anyway, thanks so much ReD for the support. This too shall pass and I know the road to recovery is paved with many ups and downs and truly is a rollercoaster. I have to keep reminding myself that there are no mistakes and I am right where I am supposed to be right now. I can't obsess on why, why, why? I just need to trust the process. Easier said than done but I think I can do it for the next 24 hours. You've helped me through it....You too, Readerroz!! Love you guys!