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Old 12-09-2009, 10:06 AM   #1
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Secrets1983 HB User
It's time for me to come out of hiding....

Hi Friends,

I want to first and foremost start out by saying that I have been reading posts here and there and keeping up on the board as much as I can and you have all been in my prayers. It seems like there are a lot of people hurting right now and there are also a lot of strong inspirational stories that have given me strength to take charge of my own nasty cycle of addiction.

I am not happy or proud to report by any means that I have been using. I am sure it's not a huge surprise to a lot of the regulars here. MIA usually is not a good sign for me. So here is what I have been doing..... I had a Dr's appointment for my knee and new xrays taken because of increased hip pain. They found I have a pretty advanced case of arthritis in my hip and that is what is causing the pain. The Dr. could not believe how much arthritis I had for only being 26.... As soon as I heard that come out of his mouth it was like the addict part of my brain turned on and opportunity to use hit me so hard I could not stop myself. First it started out with Vicodin. Yes, I have pain in my hip and knee but nothing I can't deal with anymore without the narcotics. However, I about fell off my chair when he gave me an RX for 50 of those devils with a refill. That just made my head spin and the cycle started. Went thru those in 5 days, (yes, 10 a day) then I refilled it. 5 days later they were gone. I of course then called for a refill. He gave me 50 more. 5 days later they were gone (150 in 15 days) and they said they wanted to change my meds to something non narcotic. He put me on an arthritis medication peroxicam and Tramadol/ultram. He gave me 50 of those with a refill... I knew the dangers of Tramadol. Did I listen to the good part of my brain screaming "NO, STOP NOW!" No, I didn't. I flew threw those.. Taking 4 at a time 2 to 3 times a day even though I read you can only safely take up to 400 mg a day. However, he put take 2 every 4-6 hours on the prescription so I ran with it. Refilled the next 50 and got one more Rx for another 50 (Total of 200 with 27 left) and here I am..... I have 27 left of that RX and I NEED TO STOP. How did this happen again? I KNEW BETTER! My husband and I are trying to have a baby and I am screwing everything up. I don't know how at this point my body could even be healthy enough with all of these nasty demons in me to become pergnant. It's shameful. Having a baby is the most important thing to me and I have not been acting like that. Until today.

I don't know how I let this happen but I do know that it needs to stop and if I want to have a healthy baby at some point, it starts with me. I would not be able to live with myself if my addiction hurt a baby in any way.

Here is where I am at. Every morning I am waking up in W/D of course. So in order to get up and going to work I have to use. Up until today I would take 4 and go.... Then in the afternoon I would take another 4. Then when I got home another 4 and sometimes even another 4 later in the evening. UGH, shameful.

This morning I took 3 and I only have very minor signs of w/d. I am going to hold out until after work or until the w/d get bad enough I can't stand it and try to get by with 2 maybe? I have to stretch these out as best as I can! I am not sure how my Dr is going to feel about giving me another RX so I may just have to tell him I would like to taper and I need another RX to do so but I can't even fathom calling him before Monday. So at that rate it leaves me with 4 a day until Monday. SO I guess I am going to have to take 2 in the am and 2 in the evening and get by. I got myself into this mess, I have to be a big girl and get myself out of it. If anyone has any advice about Tramadol/ultram tapering please share... I beg of you!

I have been using to deal with stress.. That much I know. My husband is suffering with some sort of lung disease. He see's a specialist next Friday. His other Dr did not want to diagnose what he saw on the CT scan so we have to wait to hear the news then and it sounds grim. He is in a lot of pain and they gave him Dilaudid in the pill form since he has problems with pain control because he metabolizes medication too quickly. Your thoughts are now going to "Have you taken any of those pills from him?" Yes, (head hanging in shame) I have taken a total of 4 out of his bottle (one at a time so he would not notice) How could I take his medication? He is suffering!!!!!!! How could i do this to him? I really am loathing myself right now. I know tonight when that bottle of Dilaudid is sitting there I am practically going to have to cut my arms off to not take one...... He puts them away but I know where his "spot" is.... Then on top of that with my Dad still living with us I am stressed and using that as an excuse to use. Pathetic.

I can't tell him I took his pills and hurt him that way. He doesn't even know I am using. He thinks Tramadol is harmless and since it's non narcotic I get to be in charge of those. He is so niave and trusting and I am sick for taking advantage of that. I am done. This is not who I am as a person and I can't let myself become this anymore. I know I am a good person, caring, generous,strong,loving and dependable but right now I am acting so selfish.

I don't know what else to say.... Any thoughts, advice, whatever please share. You guys are my friends and I know anything you say is said because you care and want the best for me.

Blessings to you all!
XOXOX
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~Secrets

 
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Old 12-09-2009, 10:07 AM   #2
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Re: It's time for me to come out of hiding....

OH MY GOSH.. I am SORRY that is so long... If anyone reads that... BLESS YOU!
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Old 12-09-2009, 11:23 AM   #3
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caberg HB Usercaberg HB Usercaberg HB Usercaberg HB Usercaberg HB User
Re: It's time for me to come out of hiding....

Who or what else do you have, besides this board, as a support system? Maybe check out some local, face-to-face options. Ask your doctor?

Personally, the instant I deceived my wife--i.e., went behind her back and stole from her--would be the instant that I got my butt into a serious rehab program, not just an online forum. Forget kids, you are jeopardizing your marriage.

 
Old 12-09-2009, 11:28 AM   #4
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Re: It's time for me to come out of hiding....

Thanks for your reply.

I have nothing but this board and a few friends I have made here. The thing about my husband is that even if I told him, I don't think he would think it was the end of the world. He knows the ups and downs about addiction and he is very forgiving. I am just too ashamed to admit it to him. i have a complex about disappointing people.

I know I need to seek outside help, I just am too afraid to do so. I am not okay with my addiction to be out and open. That may make me a coward but that is how I feel.

Thanks for your message.
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Old 12-09-2009, 11:44 AM   #5
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caberg HB Usercaberg HB Usercaberg HB Usercaberg HB Usercaberg HB User
Re: It's time for me to come out of hiding....

Have you ever looked at Rational Recovery? It's designed to be done on your own. It may give you some perspective.

Either way, you should take pregnancy off the table for now, don't you think?

Last edited by Administrator; 12-09-2009 at 05:06 PM.

 
Old 12-09-2009, 12:39 PM   #6
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Re: It's time for me to come out of hiding....

Thank you for the information. I will certainly check it out right away!!! Thank you so much.

As for pregnancy.... We will restart the trying process once I am completely sober. I chart so I know when my most fertile days are..... The last month I have been making sure to steer clear of those days as I am not niave to the fact that I need to take care of this situation before a baby comes into the picture. Hence me starting this thread today and starting my taper plan. Plus, with my husband feeling under the weather, we have not been the most active recently. That is a lot of information but for some reason, I felt I needed to defend myself and that may just be because pregnancy is a touchy topic for me.

I appreciate your information.
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Old 12-09-2009, 02:45 PM   #7
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Re: It's time for me to come out of hiding....

Hey there Secrets. Glad you're back. As you said, when a regular goes MIA, there usually isn't good news behind it. But, the main thing is you're back and looking for help. The one person that you need to come to terms with is yourself. There is something inside that is driving you toward your addictive behavior and you need to get to the root of it and solve that problem, or the merry-go-round will keep coming back to get you. I think you should consider some sort of therapy to see if you can identify what the underlying problem is to get it into the open and on the table, so you can beat it with a stick until it goes away. In the meantime - taper and take it one day at a time.

 
Old 12-09-2009, 04:04 PM   #8
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Re: It's time for me to come out of hiding....

Hello Secrets,

I haven't posted in ages, but have been lurking. I'm so glad you posted.
I was worried about you. I've watched you help so many people over the
past year. Although I'm glad to see you posting again, I'm sorry to hear of
your relapse.

I don't have any words of wisdom for you. I suffer from the same addiction and my addictive mind works exactly like yours. I too keep my addiction secret from one and all. I don't usually have enough pills (Thank God) to work up to quite the addiction most people do. When I have them, I think about them all the time and always take one or two on days I had told myself I wouldn't.

I'm sorry that you struggle with pain. I do hope you can learn to control it without the meds. You're a smart, sensible girl and I have no doubt you can beat this monster. I know just when things seem to be going okay, life happens. Family, health, money problems. It's so easy to find solace in a pill. That is what we need to learn. How to live life without giving a thought to another damn pill. I wonder if hypnosis would work LOL

I'll be thinking about you and your battle. Hold strong!

JB

 
Old 12-10-2009, 08:47 AM   #9
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Re: It's time for me to come out of hiding....

JB~ IT'S SO GREAT TO HEAR FROM YOU!!!!!! Thank you for what you said to me. I know I have one heck of a battle on my hands and you are right.... I can fight this and win... I just have to dig deep to find my old self and let her kick some butt. Plus, I "know" I am using my pain as a crutch to use because when things get stressful I am reaching for my pills and when something FUN comes up, I am reaching my pills so I can be miss personalility. I never needed the pills before to be Miss Personality. I just was. JB, thank you for understand my addictive brain, it makes me not feel so alone. This cycle sucks and I want out. You take care of yourself and as always, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers!


I know others struggle with this issue so I am going to talk about it.
While I work, I am such a better Sales Person and my boss loves my production. He just doesn't know why I seem to just "have it" recently. I mean, I KNOW I am a good sales person without the drug. I have shown myself thru the years I have no problem making my numbers with out the drug. I have even broken records and made my company news for being the 1st to achieve certain goals.. blah blah blah.... NOW.... I don't feel as confident, as talkative, as interested in people to really find their need to sell them the right product for them. I hate that this has happened. I hate that as a wife I feel I have no energy to be the cheery person I normally am to my husband. I hate that I am horribly crabby with out my pills and when I don't have them, I obsess over them. I hate that when I don't have them, I feel like utter death. I know in time all of this will pass.... I know it will. I have done it before.

I broke a promise to myself and that really bothers me. Addiction sucks so badly.

Well, that is that for now.....
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Old 12-10-2009, 08:50 AM   #10
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Re: It's time for me to come out of hiding....

Oh, by the way.... Today I am down to 4 total pills. (tramadol) 2 days ago I was taking 10-16 (50mg each) a day.... It's a horrendous jump so things could get a little ugly. Bear with me my friends.... I guess I don't really know what to expect.
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Old 12-10-2009, 12:25 PM   #11
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Re: It's time for me to come out of hiding....

Quote:
Plus, I "know" I am using my pain as a crutch to use because when things get stressful I am reaching for my pills and when something FUN comes up, I am reaching my pills so I can be miss personality.
I think you hit the nail on the head right there Secrets. It's a crutch! Sometimes we need a physical crutch to walk if we hurt ourselves (dependency), but when the injury heals, we don't need the crutch anymore and we can walk on our own. But, some people still use the crutch to get a closer parking stop at the mall, to get people to feel sorry for them or they just get used to walking with it (addiction). Crutches only slow our lives down - we need to be able to run freely though life to be able to experience it fully. That applies to me, you and everyone else.

Monday you can get an Rx for more pills or ask the physician for just enough to taper off of them. Something to consider. Taper off and be done with it and regain your life. Personally, I hate the pills because they damper my personality, especially at parties. People have even noticed it that I'm not myself being the busy little bee at parties talking to everyone, instead I'm sitting in a chair pretending to be drinking something. They ask if I'm feeling OK. I want to be off of the pain pills so I can allow my real self out of the bottle. I think you really want that also.

 
Old 12-10-2009, 12:39 PM   #12
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Re: It's time for me to come out of hiding....

You are right. I do want my old self back. Unlike you, taking the medication does not leave me quiet and sitting in a chair pretending to drink something. It leaves me perky, happy and even more outgoing that I used to be which I thought was impossible

I know I need to do this for myself and for my family and future family. I need to throw the crutches away because everybody else has to deal with life's struggles sober why shouldn't I? Plus, I feel guilt because it's people like me who take advantage of the system and make it harder for chronic pain patience to get adequite pain control and that makes me feel horrible.

I am focusing on my taper right now and at this point in the day..... I am suffering and that too I think I deserve for what I have done. I am so tired when I am used to being wide awake... My muscles are getting sore and I look so horrible. My boss even asked me if I was okay because I came in wearing jeans, a sweater, warm ugg boots and hardly a stitch of make up and no jewlry. Well, that is so far from how I usually come in... He said it looked like I had pulled an all nighter... That made me feel great but I know it's true. I didn't have the energy to try and look good today. I just didn't and right now, I don't even think it's something I should be focusing on anyways. I just need to focus on getting better. I just told him I was ill.

I will call the Dr. on Monday and see what he has to say. I hope he will help me with a taper. Going from 10-16 pills a day or (500mg to 800mg) down to 4 a day (200mg) has not been a fun transition by any means!!!!

I appreciate your words of wisdom and your support.
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~Secrets

Last edited by Administrator; 02-12-2010 at 11:48 PM.

 
Old 12-10-2009, 12:48 PM   #13
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Re: It's time for me to come out of hiding....

I think you have the right mindset to get through this. Just keep moving toward your goal.

 
Old 12-10-2009, 12:59 PM   #14
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Re: It's time for me to come out of hiding....

Thanks D. Sometimes I feel so strong and sometimes i feel so weak and in those moments I try to focus on what I want the most out of life... Children with my husband. I think if I stay focused on that.... it will pull me thru.

The mind is a powerful thing..... I need to start using the right part of my brain and keep focused on what I want.

I don't know what I would do without this place.
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Old 12-10-2009, 04:51 PM   #15
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Re: It's time for me to come out of hiding....

That vision of your husband holding your baby should consume your thoughts and you will overcome anything. Nothing will stop you from making that vision come true.

 
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