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Old 03-26-2010, 06:22 PM   #1
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Percocet addict, at wit's end, cannot go on.. severe rage & depression

Hi,
I am a 26yr old female from Ontario Canada. I have been using Percocet on a daily basis for almost 2 years now. I was married to a VERY abusive man, emotional, psychological, financial, just short of physical (only reached the "pushing" phase, pushed into walls, down stairs, light slaps but thanfully never got to the punching or beating phase..)
I am freshly seperated from him (as in within the last week, we were seperated for a month but he managed to suck me in and came back for 4days, then the abuse started back up)
I have basically been bed ridden with depression, isolated, angry, Ive had a few bad breakdowns... Screaming, throwing things, driving erratically, crying uncontrollably, losing all sight of reality.
The pills have gotten worse, I am finding myself reaching for a couple of perks every hour,, I am in a daze. My rages are out of control and out of nowhere. I basically CANNOT function. I don't know what to do.I have zero support as my husband had isolated me from all friends and family, the 2 people I have in my life, 1 is not supportive at all and is a falling down drunk and lives 18hrs away (my mom) and the other is my best friend (an alcoholic as well, with addiction,legal and relationship issues of her own and she is really not the best support either, to be honest we've drifted apart in a big way in the last few months.)
So I find myself here, venting, typing away to strangers, just wanting to get it off my chest. That I am an addict, I am out of control, I am broken, devasted, lost, alone, scared, angry, sad, depressed, exhausted. I know I have to go on and I WILL, i will not give up.. I will not give in. This man has ruined every inch of who I used to be, the pills took the rest. They we're an escape from him, from the name calling, the isolation, the abuse, the pain, the loneliness, the degradation, the life I was living, now that he is gone, my life is worse. I'm BROKE and alone and addicted.

I used to have my life together.. I was succesful, healthy, confidant, beautiful, I had many friends, a great social life, I was happy, laid back and living the life. then I met the man and the pills, that as it turns out, would take it all away.

I've tried to quit, I lasted 2 1/2 days then I almost calledd 911 I was SO sick and thought I was literally dying.. the pain I was in was unbearable. I visited a methadone clinic and was approved for suboxone but never went to my first appointment because I couldn't stay clean for 24hrs before and I didn't want any of my clients or my employer seeing me visit the dirty methadone clinic downtown (it's in plain sight, right smack in the middle of our little downtown, with a ton of scary addicted homeless people hanging around the front doors, the dr even said I was the only one with a job there.. wow..just wasn't for me, or is it? is it worth it? )
lPLease, anyone, just reply, say anything just acknowledge that I am alive

Thank you
xoxoxo

Last edited by miseryluvsme; 03-26-2010 at 06:29 PM.

 
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Old 03-26-2010, 07:23 PM   #2
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Re: Percocet addict, at wit's end, cannot go on.. severe rage & depression

oh, sweet gal....where to start. First, as an intro, I'm a newbie to this Board but, in the last 12 days, have found it to be my hope and Life-line. I don't have words to help you through this hell, other than to let you know that people on this Board (and in "real life!") are there to help you through this! Know that alot of your anger and rage right now is happening because of your unreal focus on the pills and, as I like to say, the "manufactured happiness" they bring to your life. There is hope! You are NOT alone, kiddo! We are all trying to help each other fight this friggin' horror of a gorilla on our back. I have no room to talk or give great advice; my only credentials are that I stand in your shoes as an addict trying like hell to get life back. Read this Board --read old posts of amazing and strong folks! you are not alone! please post back --nobody wants you suffering alone! God, this is tough -- people will help you! Love to you --Ginabird

 
Old 03-26-2010, 09:20 PM   #3
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Re: Percocet addict, at wit's end, cannot go on.. severe rage & depression

Girl, girl, girl......you have your whole life ahead of you. it's not over!! It's just beginning. Getting rid of that creep is your first good move!! You are doing something right....now you need to go to a meeting of some kind. I know they have them everywhere.....AA, NA....get to one. You'll be amazed how much better you feel when you leave. those people are not judgemental, they are just like you. Get to a meeting!!!
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Old 03-27-2010, 07:38 AM   #4
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Re: Percocet addict, at wit's end, cannot go on.. severe rage & depression

I know all too well how you feel. I have been taking large amounts of percocet for many years, but with the support and encouragement of the people on this board, I've managed to cut my intake to less than 1/4 of what I had been using. Recently I've been in a bit of a rut, but am now feeling a renewed resolve to get off the percs.

Don't have time to write now, but will try to this afternoon. In the meantime, know there are many of us in the same boat - and we can all help and support each other.

You have a lot going for you! Hang in there -- things will get better!

TF

 
Old 03-27-2010, 08:15 AM   #5
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Re: Percocet addict, at wit's end, cannot go on.. severe rage & depression

You girlie have taken the first step towards recovery. I only wish my daughter were where you are. Go to a meeting! Know that the pain from the w/d is only temporary. From what I hear, it feels really bad but it does go away. Try to stay as busy as you can. I go to a support group to help me cope with my daughters addiction. You can follow my story on the board..."you can't fall asleep smoking, rehab or move"). I will watch for future posts from you. Oh, keep the creep away, he is as bad as the pills! GET TO A MEETING! The support will be amazing. The support here is truly great but I can 't help but believe that talking, really talking and listening also would be a great benefit at this time. I will pray for you!

mydaughtersmom

Last edited by mydaughtersmom; 03-27-2010 at 08:15 AM.

 
Old 03-27-2010, 09:03 AM   #6
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emsmom HB User
Re: Percocet addict, at wit's end, cannot go on.. severe rage & depression

Hello misery,

Wow, you have been through alot lately. It is evident that your self-esteem is suffering. When we are in an abusive relationship, we tend to let ourselves go. Not intentionally. We don't always recognize it right away, but over time we look back and wonder "Where did it go wrong?"

You need to find yourself again. Sign up for a women's sports team (baseball, soccer) or find a new hobby (cooking, scrapbooking). You'd be surprised how much fun these can be.

Regarding your addiction, are you able to find a meeting in your town, or is it such a small town that you would be recognized? When we initially admit we are an addict, it is VERY hard to walk into that first NA meeting, let alone worrying that you'll be recognized by someone.

Keep posting - there are some really wonderful people on this board who are always willing to help. Listen to all suggestions you're given, and do what makes you confortable. Everyone is different, so some suggestions may work for you, some won't.

Good luck,
emsmom

 
Old 03-27-2010, 10:25 AM   #7
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Re: Percocet addict, at wit's end, cannot go on.. severe rage & depression

RUN, don't walk, away from your ex boy"friend" and anyone else who is a substance abuser. They will try to influence you to keep using, like them. (He sounds awful - you deserve better than that!)

I agree that you need to try some new things (maybe some classes - learn to quilt, join a reading group through the library, try lessons in some kind of craft, learn to play golf - there are lots of possibilities.) You probably don't feel like doing anything like that right now, but force yourself to do it anyway. Then you 'll give yourself the opportunity to meet a different group of people. And do go to meetings if you can - I found an NA group a distance from where I live to "be safe" - but then I realized if I met anyone there, they would be in the same boat I'm in, so what did it matter?

I have found the support of people on this board to be incredibly important in my recovery. Knowing you can come here and talk to others who have "been there, done that" and want to help you in any way they can is so comforting.

Good luck. Keep reading and posting. You will get your life back.

TF

 
Old 03-27-2010, 08:05 PM   #8
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Re: Percocet addict, at wit's end, cannot go on.. severe rage & depression

i was just checking in to see how you are doing tonight....i tought about all day stay on the right path did you find a meeting

 
Old 03-27-2010, 08:11 PM   #9
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Re: Percocet addict, at wit's end, cannot go on.. severe rage & depression

Who is prescribing you all of these percodan? If you are getting them from a doctor, you should ask him for help stoping them.

If not, you need to slowly reduce the dose over 7 days - say if you are taking three every foor hours, cut it down to 2 1/2 every four hours for 2 days, then 2 every four hours for 2 days, then 1 1/2 every four hours etc.

You obviously have big issues to work through - a psychiatrist might be the best person to help you.
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Old 03-27-2010, 10:23 PM   #10
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Re: Percocet addict, at wit's end, cannot go on.. severe rage & depression

I'm really sorry that you are going through such a bad period in your life. I wish I could take away your hurts with couple of keystrokes but you know I can't. No one deserves to go through what you are going through. I'm not a professional, just a caring person, so I'll try to give you some advice.

I think the first thing you need to do is to get some inpatient help. If your afraid of people at work finding out then take some vacation time or personal days off...sick days if you have to. I've been on high dosage opiate pain relievers for a long time myself (5 years) for severe chronic back and nerve pain, so I know what it is like to be dependant on these drugs.

From what I've read it sounds like you made the first and most important step by separating from your abusive husband. I think you should try to get inpatient help because a friend of mind (may god have mercy on his soul) was an addict. He was on norco, oxycontin, xanax and some other prescription drugs when he decided to get help.
He checked himself into a hospital for phsyciatric treatment to try to get clean. He only stayed for three days until he checked himself out, but the help and information he got in that short period of time was enough for him to get opiate free for a while.

Don't worry about going in for help because form my understanding, at least where i live, by checking yourself in, it's not put on your record as if you were committed. Therefor there is no stigma to follow you. That's what happened to him.

It sounds like you have some phsycilogical problems as well as opiate dependentcy issues from your abusive spouse, which they will really be able to help you with. Remember that the opiates cause you to be euphoric as well as take away physical pain. That's the reason why many people get addicted to the in the first place.

You seem to be a very strong person so just know that self medicating is not the answer to your problems right now...you obviously know that or would not have post for help.

I'm not sure your gonna be able to do this on your own because it's not just an opiate problem. There seems to be a lot more to it. Stay strong and put yourself first right now! I will pray for you and I hope you find a way to help yourself!!!

This is just my opinion...my two cents. They may be the extra two cents in your pocket taking up space and you don't care if you have them or not...or they could be the two cents your short and desperately need.

Keep your head up and remember that everything happens for a reason. God wouldn't put you through this troubling time if there wasn't something equally great waiting for you in your future. I recently went through mine and the tide is starting to change for me. I wouldn't say this if I didn't mean it.

Sincerely,
MyBadBack

 
Old 03-28-2010, 03:24 PM   #11
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Re: Percocet addict, at wit's end, cannot go on.. severe rage & depression

Hi misery,

Just wondering how you're doing. I've been thinking of you.

Hope today was better than yesterday...

emsmom

 
Old 03-28-2010, 08:52 PM   #12
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Re: Percocet addict, at wit's end, cannot go on.. severe rage & depression

there are plenty of people who care about you and love you. many of us are in the same situation. i've been hooked on percocet for 9 years and it completely destroyed my life. at first, it's good and gives you energy, but eventually it becomes the problem and we end up depressed and isolated from everyone. i've basically dumped all of my great girlfriends. i am fortunate to have a husband who loves me but is doesn't know how to handle the addiction and my mood swings. enough of me. i did 26 years in the military and i want you to know that you do not need any man that is abusive, verbally or physically. you are worth more than that. pull yourself up by your bootstraps and tell him to get lost. once you are feeling well from detoxing, you can move on with your life; get financially stable on your own w/no man. once you do that, you dictate what man is privileged enough to be a part of your world. may take some time, but be patient.

 
Old 09-12-2010, 10:17 AM   #13
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Re: Percocet addict, at wit's end, cannot go on.. severe rage & depression

PLEASE PLEASE go get the suboxone it WILL work miracles for you. I don't know who invented it but they are a genius!!! It absolutely takes away your cravings for the perocet and it will stop your leg cramps almost instantly. i'm sorry that the clinic is in the middle of town but maybe you could disguise yourself a little bit, wear a hat,put your hair up ANYTHING but PLEASE go get it!!!You will give you your life back,i know it gave me mine back!!TAKE CARE drop me a line anytime you would like.

 
Old 09-15-2010, 05:47 AM   #14
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Re: Percocet addict, at wit's end, cannot go on.. severe rage & depression

I hope you are still haning in....yes you are still alive...

 
Old 09-15-2010, 11:29 AM   #15
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Re: Percocet addict, at wit's end, cannot go on.. severe rage & depression

Hi it's tinkerbell AKA(rose) i was just checking in on you.i hope this chat finds you doing sum better.i want 2 apologize for sum of my last post because i didn't mean for it 2 sound like suboxone will cure you like magic but it WILL give you sum immediate relief for like the leg cramps and such. please drop me a line back and let me know how you are doing.until next time TAKE CARE!

 
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